Hello New Here needing prayer

[sweetladyaz]

Hello! I was so excited to find this forum, I am not in Canada, but in the US. But after reading through a few forums here I had to join. My name is Amber, and I am in Arizona, and been a Christian my entire life.

Here is what I need prayers on. Friday was my anniversary but it wasn't a happy day. It's been a long, difficult struggle.

My my husband and I met, we didn't date. I had been engaged twice before to luke warm, or non christian men. We abstained from sex before marriage, we never even so much as kissed, or touched. We spent time together, and loved each other. We knew each other less than a year when we married.

Well, before we married or were engaged, I sat and had a talk with him one night. I laid everything on the table because I was determined the next time I fell in love with would be with a godly man who shared my faith and love of the Lord. I told him that in a husband I wanted a man who would fellowship with me in church, who would pray with me, read our bibles and study the word together.... that we would share God in every part of our marriage. Now that might seem idealistic and I myself am not perfect, but is it really too much to ask that my husband hunger for and seek God?

Well, he 'agreed' with everything I said, saying he wanted that too. I wanted to homeschool my children and really make sure their life is focused on growing in Christ. He said that was a terrific idea. I told him that I wanted him to know those things before we became serious, as a way out before it was too late. That if he didn't want those things in his life, then he was looking at the wrong woman.

Well as I said, he agreed with me and said he wanted the same. Well, it was hunky dory for about 2 months. Then it changed. I can't listen to christian music around him without him turning off or the volume all the way down. He won't study the bible with me, and won't even let me read it TO him. And he told me never to ask him to go to church again. He said he felt like my asking these things or just doing them and wanting him to take part felt like nagging. That they just aren't 'his thing'. That he believes, but doesn't have to do more than just that. And pray when things are tough...but never any other time.

So in a sense, I love him, there are alot of wonderful things about out marriage. But I feel very decieved. I feel like I was trying to steer clear of an unequal marriage, I did my best to upfront and honest, saying I wanted nothing less. And I feel like I got it anyway. And he refuses to walk a Christian walk and now it's beginning to hurt other parts of our marriage. He doesn't want me to leave, but yet he wants me to keep that part of my life separate from our marriage. How can I be happy separating my marriage, my life, from the Lord?

I have tried many many many things. I have done all I can do, and now I feel mostly I need prayer. He wants to work things out, but said nothing of making God the center. I have not been happy in our marriage ever, even though I love him, this is something that has been eating me up inside since the beginning.

I am sorry for the REALLY long post...lol, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this far!

In Him,
Amber

 

[SuzQ]

Hello! I was so excited to find this forum, I am not in Canada, but in the US. But after reading through a few forums here I had to join. My name is Amber, and I am in Arizona, and been a Christian my entire life.

Here is what I need prayers on. Friday was my anniversary but it wasn't a happy day. It's been a long, difficult struggle.

My my husband and I met, we didn't date. I had been engaged twice before to luke warm, or non christian men. We abstained from sex before marriage, we never even so much as kissed, or touched. We spent time together, and loved each other. We knew each other less than a year when we married.

Well, before we married or were engaged, I sat and had a talk with him one night. I laid everything on the table because I was determined the next time I fell in love with would be with a godly man who shared my faith and love of the Lord. I told him that in a husband I wanted a man who would fellowship with me in church, who would pray with me, read our bibles and study the word together.... that we would share God in every part of our marriage. Now that might seem idealistic and I myself am not perfect, but is it really too much to ask that my husband hunger for and seek God?

Well, he 'agreed' with everything I said, saying he wanted that too. I wanted to homeschool my children and really make sure their life is focused on growing in Christ. He said that was a terrific idea. I told him that I wanted him to know those things before we became serious, as a way out before it was too late. That if he didn't want those things in his life, then he was looking at the wrong woman.

Well as I said, he agreed with me and said he wanted the same. Well, it was hunky dory for about 2 months. Then it changed. I can't listen to christian music around him without him turning off or the volume all the way down. He won't study the bible with me, and won't even let me read it TO him. And he told me never to ask him to go to church again. He said he felt like my asking these things or just doing them and wanting him to take part felt like nagging. That they just aren't 'his thing'. That he believes, but doesn't have to do more than just that. And pray when things are tough...but never any other time.

So in a sense, I love him, there are alot of wonderful things about out marriage. But I feel very decieved. I feel like I was trying to steer clear of an unequal marriage, I did my best to upfront and honest, saying I wanted nothing less. And I feel like I got it anyway. And he refuses to walk a Christian walk and now it's beginning to hurt other parts of our marriage. He doesn't want me to leave, but yet he wants me to keep that part of my life separate from our marriage. How can I be happy separating my marriage, my life, from the Lord?

I have tried many many many things. I have done all I can do, and now I feel mostly I need prayer. He wants to work things out, but said nothing of making God the center. I have not been happy in our marriage ever, even though I love him, this is something that has been eating me up inside since the beginning.

I am sorry for the REALLY long post...lol, thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this far!

In Him,
Amber

Hi Amber! Welcome to CF!! I found this site a few months ago for the exact same reasons! I knowlingly married an unsaved person, but we had been best friends and knew each other for over 15 years. He believes Jesus existed, and told me before we were married he would support my beliefs and be open-minded. Most of time things are great, other times I get down a little about it.

You can read through a great thread (started by my FABULOUS sister in Christ, Washed Clean ) about how some of us found ourselves unequally-yoked. I've also recently started a "Power of a Praying Wife" study on here. You can feel free to join & participate, or just be a "lurker" if you like!

At any rate, I will pray for your situation. I like to always remember what my mom tells me - "God does not close a door in your life without opening a window". It's our job to "look outside" and see all the great possibilities!

 

[sweetladyaz]

Thank you, I am definitely seeing God's light in my life. I feel though, that I UNknowingly married into this. He was not just open minded and accepting, but professing he was a christian. He would read his bible with me, and talk with me, and my family. He appeared to be exactly what I was seeking. And then when he got tired of 'acting' his real colors showed through.

I know he loves me, and I don't feel he intentionally decieved me to be cruel. But I do feel he intentionally deceived me to win my affections. Maybe he figured he could get used to acting... or figured, that I would change my mind and just accept it once we were married. I don't know and he offers no explanation.

The struggle I am having is that he pretended to be something, and now he has told me to stop bothering him and he wants nothing to do with it.

I am at a loss and unsure of what to do. There are other things also, that are beginning to affect our marriage. Perhaps it sounds like I am seeking approval... perhaps I need to vent to a few fellow believers.

In either case, thank you for you encouragement and prayers.

Amber

 

[KleinerApfel]

Dear Amber,

you are very welcome here

Everyone on this patch is so encouraging and supportive, so you're sure to get more replies soon.

It sounds like you've been very badly let down. You must be so disappointed with how things have worked out at the moment.

Which wedding anniversary was this? I wasn't sure how long you'd been married.

I just want to reassure you that this is not the end of the world.
These "unequally-yoked" marriages are not ideal, (but then what relationship truly is?), but many, many people are living with them, making them work, even enjoying them despite the wrinkles.

Yes, it's hard, and painful at times, in different ways for each of us, but we're surviving, and I hope you will find ways to survive, and even to thrive, as you wait for your husband to fully let God into his life.

Do come back and talk some more.

(By the way, I'm from UK - you don't have to be from Canada to come here thankfully!)



God bless, Susana

 

[KleinerApfel]

Hello again Amber,

just responding to your second post, which appeared while I was getting my first one done!

The struggle I am having is that he pretended to be something, and now he has told me to stop bothering him and he wants nothing to do with it.

I'd say two main things to take care of here:


1/ Don't nag him about coming to church, praying etc. Hard, I know, but it seems always to be counterproductive, and harden rather than soften the attitude of those who are resisting Christ.

However:

2/ Don't give in to him so much that you stop going to church and having meaningful involvement there, especially with supportive Christians.
And do make sure you stick to the agreed plan of bringing up your children in a Christian manner.

In other words, think you need to be very gentle and not pressure him, yet make sure he knows that you aren't compromising on the way of life he originally agreed to.

And, most importantly, keep on praying, and try to relax and enjoy the good things too.

God bless, Susana

 

[sweetladyaz]

Thanks Susana. I understand completely what you are saying. But I perhaps am explaining badly. His version of 'nagging' is asking 3 or 4 times over a few months "would you like to come to church with me, sweetheart?"

I have asking him a couple times and when he turns it down, I stop. I don't want to anger him, and most importantly I don't want him to do something because he is being forced to. In the last two years, he went to church with me once and said to never ask him again. It's the same with everything else, his requests to leave him alone were at the beginning... and I don't request them since. I just keep on doing them, but he hounds me when I do them in his presence.

And he doesn't want me to go to church, he's rather not spend our day off there. So he wants me to stay home with him. Do I go and follow myself? Or do I be a good wife and stay home?

He basically feels he doesn't 'need' anything of 'that christian stuff'. He was raised to believe that he believes in God and Jesus and is saved. End of story. Leaving the house without telling your wife, going to the bar and drinking and stumbling in at 3 or 4 am is ok, because it's a priority for him to have a guys night and 'me' time. And no he shouldn't have to call me, because he's 'head of the house'. He smokes, and swears and drinks alot.

And it is to the point now where everywhere I go with or without him, we seem to run into these women who know him. He's only lived here since we were married. When I ask who these women are, when they greet him (only) in the restaurant/gas station/bank/hair salon/theater/etc he tells me it's someone he met at the bar.

And he is constantly going places, without calling.... and comes home at all hours of the night. Last weekend, he went to a rodeo 2 hours away with his friends.... and never came home until the next day. He said he was too tired to drive back and didn't think he should call.

And when I finally last week confronted him about these things... he said that he has other priorities in life, like work, eating sleeping, 'me' time, friends, hunting.... and that maybe we can focus on us, and our marriage someday when things slow down, but in the mean time he doesn't have the time or energy to worry about us or me.

Whew.... man, I am not doing well for a new poster here.:o These are some long posts, lol. I just feel like I am going to burst. He thinks he IS being a good christian just because he acknowledges God. Anything else is ridiculous in his eyes.

And he lives as if he is single. There are girls who are 'friends' who only call his cell phone, and won't talk to me. He tells me about them, but I haven't met them. He says they are only friends.... I just don't know.

Thanks you two, I am still sorting things out with God.

In Him,
Amber

 

[KleinerApfel]

whew!

It sounds worse than I thought. I'm sorry I didn't grasp how bad things are for you. My advice seems pretty irrelevant - you're doing the best you can already.

Is your church giving you any support? I know it can be lonely when your beloved doesn't go along.

I'm going to bed now (don't know what time it is in Arizona, but it's 11:30 pm here!)

I'll remember you in my prayers, and see you again soon?

God bless, Susana

 

[sweetladyaz]

wow! 11:30? LOL, it's quarter to 4 in the afternoon here. I will be here, thank you.

I feel timid here, and don't want to appear to be bashing my dh or making him out to be a horrible man... I do love him very very much, and we do have some good times together. But we were raised in very very very different cultures. I was raised in a devout Christian home. And he was not, in any way.

He does have a large, but fragile ego I noticed. As alot of men do hee hee, jk. But seriously, he thinks highly of hisself, his intelligence. He has some maturing to do as well, and has come along way in some areas, while completely deteriorating in others. I try hard, and am not perfect as we have all fallen short.

Right now I feel like everything BUT this could be reconciled. And in turn, in my situation without this being reconciled, it will cause other problems again. I am interested and happy to see those happily married to unbelievers. But I feel I am in a different situation.

I am married to a man who thinks he is a believer. Who has been 'saved' by saying the magic prayer. So there is no convincing him. And when I have once or twice used scripture to show him things he is doing wrong, his opinion is

"I feel i am a better person than alot of people, there are others worse than me, and i don't feel wrong doing these things. if god is going to send me to hell... well, i guess i will find out. but i don't believe he will"

beating my head against a wall? sometimes.

Thank you again. I will be here!

Amber Jean

 

[Racheal]

Wow thats probably even harder then having a clear cut non Christian husband.
God is good and will show your husband his wrong doing one day.
You are in my prayers also...
Luv Racheal

 

[SuzQ]

Wow....just catching up on your follow up posts. I think you & I both know he is not a "true" Christian, as it's pretty apparent that he does not have a relationship with our Lord. I know he made it seem like that to you, and it sucks that you laid out your expectations & that he agreed to something he knows he could not live up to. You did the right thing, yet are getting short-changed. That's not fair, you're absolutely right.

I'm sure he wasn't "lying" and probably did have the best intentions. I was once told by someone that it doesn't matter if someone has "good intentions" and believes that Christ existed. Even Satan believes that Christ exists, right? Some of the most "religious" people I know who attend church regularly, etc, I can see are NOT saved!! Also, I was told that 50% of marriages end in divorce because 50% are truly godless. We all have the best intentions by getting married in a church, but then God is absent the rest of our lives in a lot of our marriages these days, unfortunately.

As far as his "friendships" with other women & his disappearing acts, that's tough. I would put my foot down and let him know that focusing on the marriage in the future does not help you NOW. (I honestly can't believe he said that to you, my goodness!). Maybe the two of you can go for a drive (get out of the house), and really have a heart-to-heart? Lay it out on the line & then leave it alone for a little while. During that time, pray, pray, pray & take care of YOURSELF. You know you are a Christian, so turn to Christ in this need. He's always there for you!

I will also continue to pray for you as well.

 

[WashedClean]

Hi Amber Jean,

I just want to give you a big hug and welcome you to CF and this forum in particular! OK Ladies, group prayer for Amber .

First of all, I can see why you feel deceived and mislead. You are in a challenging situation, but God is bigger!

When you were talking about your husband saying he "believes", I'm sure you pointed out the verse that says even Satan and his demons "believe" in Jesus, and they aren't saved.

As far as going to church, I think you need to put God first, especially on Sundays. You need to be a good witness for your husband and if he can go off to rodeos, bars, etc, then surely you are entitled to worship time. I will admit that I am careful about signing up for too many church activities. I do some Bible studies once in a while, but I try not to get so involved at church that my marriage suffers. But I never miss church unless I'm sick or have some engagement that can't be helped.

Please get a copy of The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. It's not very expensive and there is a study guide that goes along with it. We've just started a study group this week on this forum. My wonderful sister in Christ, SuzQ's idea.

Amber, I wish I had all the answers, but I don't. I can certainly offer you prayer, encouragement, love, understanding and a shoulder to cry (or rant ) on.

Looking forward to seeing more of you. Feel free to vent whenever you want.

Love in Christ,

Jill (WashedClean)

 

[sweetladyaz]

Thanks gals. I am trusting in the Lord, definitely. It is a tough situation, and yes I do clearly see that he is NOT a Christian despite what he thinks. It's hard to be angry and he is never 'mean' to me. At all. I do love him, and we have talked much over the last couple years. There is much much more here... almost so much, it's overwhelming.

I am seeking God and what he wants. But I somehow feel that being deceived, intentionally or not (not i think) is putting me a real bind. I am unsure of what to do as of yet, but have alot of support.

And yes, hearing that he feels our marriage needs a back burner what quite a shock. I almost couldn't say anything. He was very sweet explaining it, and the problem is he feels that it's ok, and right for him to feel that way. I feel sorry for him and scared for him alot.

It's quite a mess! LOL. But As I have read here before, it is the Lord who is to be #1 in all areas of our life... and I am trying to make it so.

Thanks and God Bless! I will be back tomorrow~

Amber

 

[SuzQ]

to you, Amber!! We're here for you!

 

[KleinerApfel]

Hello again Amber,

just catching up on the posts since my last visit here, and one thing which could be important springs out at me:

I somehow feel that being deceived, intentionally or not (not i think) is putting me a real bind. I am unsure of what to do as of yet, but have alot of support.

I don't want to put you under any more pressure than you already feel, but I believe that if you can forgive your husband for those early promises which now lie broken between you, maybe things can begin to move.

It's not a "magic formula" that will suddenly change him or necessarily bring him to faith.
BUT it will change things in your heart, and in the spiritual realm.

Your phrase: "putting me in a real bind" was the red button for me. You need to have God break that power, and forgiveness is His way.

You have every right to be angry, hurt, bitter, and all sorts of horrible feelings. I don't dispute that at all.

However, if you can obey the command to forgive, I do believe you will find some relief in that.

Remember; forgiveness is not an issue of emotions, it's an act of obedience, of the mind and the will. You may well still feel a lot of pain for some time after you've done it, but the battle will have shifted in your favour.

It's hard to accept the limitations we have when we long for someone to change, but you know only God is able to do that. I'm sure you are not nagging him, but if his ego is so fragile, he may well interpret ANY mention of God as nagging, and react with hostility.

Give yourself a break, and just live for God as best you can, leave your husband with his own thought for God to work on, and don't beat yourself up.

I have gone on a lot about forgiveness, and I apologise if I'm "barking up the wrong tree", but I know from personal experince how powerful this can be.

You may well need to call on that support you speak of. I'm glad you have that. I needed a lot of encouragement and prayer to be able to forgive.

God bless, Susana

 

[sweetladyaz]

Thank you Susana. We talked last night, for a long time. I explained to him how I felt, and he told me how he felt....and he wants to give things another try before calling it quits. He wants to try really making God a part of our life, and he wants to do it so I won't leave.

I am unsure how to feel about it but agreed. I was excited, because I know that doing to for the wrong reason still allows God a foot in the door. But I was scared, because I know doing it for the wrong reason doesn't always work, and he can become resentful, feeling he has to 'put on this act' in order to make things work.

Either way, I can't tell the future and am just leaving it up to God. We will try again. I am trying to be patient and forgiveness is something I am really really working on and is definitely a weakness of mine, I admit.

I have a hard time forgiving and then not bringing it up again... or being angry still. But I am praying the Lord will help us both.

I can't thank you all enough, this is really something that has helped. I have alot of friends, who are not necessarily believers and talking to them or getting advice is not usually helpful. But I really feel stronger today.

*hugs*

Amber Jean

 

[KleinerApfel]

That's good news Amber. God is answering prayers!

Blessings, Susana

(BTW, just noticed it's Racheal's birthday - Happy Birthday Racheal!)

 

[SuzQ]

Thank you Susana. We talked last night, for a long time. I explained to him how I felt, and he told me how he felt....and he wants to give things another try before calling it quits. He wants to try really making God a part of our life, and he wants to do it so I won't leave.

I am unsure how to feel about it but agreed. I was excited, because I know that doing to for the wrong reason still allows God a foot in the door. But I was scared, because I know doing it for the wrong reason doesn't always work, and he can become resentful, feeling he has to 'put on this act' in order to make things work.

Either way, I can't tell the future and am just leaving it up to God. We will try again. I am trying to be patient and forgiveness is something I am really really working on and is definitely a weakness of mine, I admit.

I have a hard time forgiving and then not bringing it up again... or being angry still. But I am praying the Lord will help us both.

I can't thank you all enough, this is really something that has helped. I have alot of friends, who are not necessarily believers and talking to them or getting advice is not usually helpful. But I really feel stronger today.

*hugs*

Amber Jean

I'm glad you're feeling better today! Just take your right hand and give a backhand smack at the air behind you in Jesus' name. That'll keep that nasty 'ole satan away for a bit, lol! Marriage is a gift, yet it does take a lot of hard work - I know it seems unfair right now that your husband isn't as passionate about the Lord as you are (and even professed to be, though he's not). However, you know in your heart that God would not have put you two together if He didn't believe you could still "sanctify" the union (as we all know from reading about the letters to the Corinthians in the Bible).

It makes me wonder if God is using this situation as a way to some day bring you & your hubby even closer together in faith, and in marriage. I wouldn't be surprised - He amazes me at how he takes something "tragic" and transforms it into a blessing. I'm always in awe.

Remember that we sometimes have to go through the fire to come out even better than we were before. Hang in there - don't give up. You will be rewarded, and you will find yourself rejoicing when God rewards you for your faithfulness. He doesn't expect you to be perfect - only Jesus was a perfect human being. The rest of us have to work at it more.....

Stay strong & keep that wonderful attitude!! Satan's greatest weapon is making us question ourselves and our lives on a daily basis. Shoo him away and stay close to Jesus - God will take care of the rest....

 

[charligirl]

I have just seen this thread and want to add my agreement to the other posts and encouragment for the Power of a Praying Wife book (awesome!)

One thing strikes me, when we as Godly wives suggest spiritual things to our husbands (as in 'Let's pray' Come to church' etc) it often provokes a negative response, I have been seeking God on this and Have come to some understanding. God called the husband to be 'spiritual head' of the marriage and if he is not fulfilling that role and WE step in, we are actually undermining our husbands position, on some level they know that and it makes them feel even more insecure because we are almost poitning out that they are not doing what they should be doing. That's not to say we can never suggest spiritual things, and a secure mature christian husband would probably be doing them anyway, but there is a fine line here and we should pray for wisdom before we suggest things.

BTW Power of a praying wife is excellent!! (did I say that already?? )

 

[KleinerApfel]

One thing strikes me, when we as Godly wives suggest spiritual things to our husbands (as in 'Let's pray' Come to church' etc) it often provokes a negative response, I have been seeking God on this and Have come to some understanding. God called the husband to be 'spiritual head' of the marriage and if he is not fulfilling that role and WE step in, we are actually undermining our husbands position, on some level they know that and it makes them feel even more insecure because we are almost poitning out that they are not doing what they should be doing. That's not to say we can never suggest spiritual things, and a secure mature christian husband would probably be doing them anyway, but there is a fine line here and we should pray for wisdom before we suggest things.

That's a very good point charligirl.

Blessings, Susana

 

[sweetladyaz]

Thanks Ladies.. I do have the book power of a praying wife, have read it once already.

We decided to take our time and give things a second shot. I think it will work itself out this time, I really do. Thank you ladies, for everything!!

Amber