Hi I'm Neil. Never posted in new member intros before. I'm a believer in the resurrected Lord Yeshua Christ. Good to meet you!
I have some fun quotes that I'd like to share with everyone. Some suck, some are extremely funny. Enjoy! If you are interested in being friends, just PM me with your life story or something. =)
Your friend in Christ,
Neil B
*******************************
Experience is what enables you to recognise a mistake the second time you make it.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity (anonymous)
God is a comedian, playing to an audience that's too afraid to laugh.
(Voltaire)
A cynic is a man who, upon smelling flowers, looks around for a coffin. (Mencken)
Culture is, roughly, anything we do which the monkeys don't. (Raglan)
Blow your mind. Smoke gunpowder.
History is the sum total of things which could have been avoided.
(Adenauer)
Humankind cannot bear very much reality. (Elliot)
Never attribute to malice what can be explained by stupidity.
(Hanlon)
Democracy is... the worship of jackals by jackasses (Mencken)
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny (Hubbard)
... a place where the money falls apart in your hands,
but you can't tear the toilet paper (Wilder, on France)
An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all (Wilde)
``A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery
and folly. If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.''
(Carlyle, looking at the stars)
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
The trouble with the rat race is that, even if you win, you're still a rat
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking
(Mencken)
``It is much easier to apologise than to get permission.'' (Grace Hopper)
Politicians are like nappies. They should be changed often,
and for the same reason.
In view of the fact that God limited man's intelligence,
it is a pity that He did not also limit his stupidity (Adenauer)
War is Peace Freedom is Slavery Ignorance is Strength
(1984)
The English people are like the English beer--froth on top, dregs at the bottom; the middle, excellent (Voltaire)
A language is a dialect that has an army and a navy (Max Weinreich)
That all men should be brothers is the dream of men who have no brothers
That all men should be brothers is the dream of men who have no brothers
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
Cats are intended to teach us that not
everything in nature has a function (Garrison Keillor)
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do -- and always a clever thing to say
(Will Durant)
Gentlemen! You can't fight in here! This is the War Room!
(from `Dr. Strangelove')
``How come we play war and not peace?''
``Too few role models.'' (Calvin And Hobbes)
Diplomacy is the art of saying `Nice Doggie!', until you can find a rock (Wynn Catlin)
Brain, n., apparatus with which we think that we think (Bierce)
Never has one man's death brought so much pleasure to so many people (newspaper obituary of Stalin)
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.(Calvin and Hobbes)
Life-- some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant
(Anonymous)
``... during slow news periods the major networks kill celebrities
and make it look accidental. Personally, I won't board an airplane
unless the newspaper is packed with good stories.'' (Scott Adams)
I have a sure-fire idea for a hit TV show... it will be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten By A Shark.' (Dave Barry)
``We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute
poverty equally.'' (Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese Foreign Minister)
``The effect of a bisection will in effect create
two separate monopolies.'' (Judge Jackson, Microsoft antitrust hearing)
A half-truth is like half a brick-- you can throw it further
``Any design problem can be solved by adding a level of indirection,
apart from having too many levels of indirection.'' (Cargill)
Never wrestle with a pig.
You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
If you see a long line of rats streaming off of a ship, the correct
assumption is not `Gosh, I bet that's a real nice boat now that those
rats are gone.' (Mike Sphar)
Television is a medium, so called because it is neither rare nor well done.
``Some of you may have had occasion to run into mathematicians,
and to wonder, therefore, how they got that way.'' (Tom Lehrer)
``Smile,'' someone said. ``It could be worse.'' So I did, and it was.
``A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in
human history -- with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.''
(Mitch Ratcliffe, in `Technology Review', 1992)
The trouble with conspiracy theories is that they assume the government is organised.
``... the reason soldiers retire early is that, at about age 40 - 45, they realise that war is dangerous.'' (anon.)
An Englishman thinks that 100 miles is a long way; an American thinks that 100 years is a long time.
``What lawyers call intellectual property is no more than theft from the public domain.'' (Alex Mueller-Maguhn)
``I won't let you in until you explain the ending of the movie.''
(unknown US immigration officer, to Arthur C. Clarke, 1969)
(nb: movie 2001 and 2010)
``There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.'' (C. Hoare)
``Listen three eyes, don't try to outweird me.
I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal.''
(Zaphod, from `The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy', by Douglas Adams)
``The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision making ability to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee.''
``I'd like to see anyone-- prophet, king or god--
who could get a thousand cats to agree on anything.''
(Neil Gaiman)
``It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.'' (From `Edpress News')
I believe the apparent legitimacy [of the curve] is enhanced by the fact that I used a complicated computer program to make the fit. I understand this is the same process by which the top quark was discovered. (Lucas Kovar)
``I wouldn't call Civil Service delays `tactics', Minister,'' he replied smoothly. ``That would be to mistake lethargy for strategy.''
(Humphrey Appleby, from `Yes, Minister', Jonathan Lynn and Anthony Jay)
``Man, not God, made Man's laws. And God's, too.''
(anonymous, graffito seen on the East London Line)
``Knock hard. Life is deaf.''
(Arnold Wesker)
``The irony of the Information Age is that it has given new respectability to uninformed opinion.'' (John Lawton)
``... you've left the lens cap on your mind again.''
(from `Pinky and The Brain')
Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else.
``What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.'' (Richard Harkness)
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
(tr. ``Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.'')
``I have a sneaking sympathy for Belgium, as a land where, by accident of geography, too often other people have chosen to hold their wars.''
(Alan Follett)
``The only reason [George W. Bush] gets lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.'' (newspaper editorial)
``Man is an exception, whatever else he is. If it is not true that a divine being fell, then we can only say that one of the animals went entirely off its head.'' (G. K. Chesterton)
``History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely when they have exhausted all other alternatives.'' (Abba Eban)
``The jawbone of an ass is just as dangerous a weapon today as in Samson's time.'' (Richard Nixon)
``[American] football combines the two worst features of American life: violence and committee meetings.'' (George Will)
A person is only as big as the thing that makes him angry.
``Pray: v, To ask that the laws of the Universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.'' (Ambrose Bierce, from `The Devil's Dictionary')
``If we let people see that kind of thing, there would never again be any war.'' (US spokesman, on news film of Iraqi soldiers killed by helicopter gunfire)
``The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.'' (George Bernard Shaw)
``Making canned cola requires millions of dollars in abstruse gear
and manufacturing gizmos. It's easier to make nerve gas than
manufacture cola.'' (from the OpenCola.com soft drink recipe)
``The peak years of our intellectual development are between the
ages of four and eighteen. At age four, we knew all the questions;
at eighteen, all the answers.''
``Warning-- do not look directly into LASER with remaining eye.''
``Note that you do not need a parachute to sky-dive. You need a parachute to sky-dive twice.''
viral marketing doesn't work... tell everyone you know
``The Fifth Law of Pipes: The outside diameter must exceed the inside
diameter; otherwise the hole will be on the outside of the pipe.''
``I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, `Whoa, I'm way too high'.'' (Bruce Baum)
``Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think.''
(Scott Adams, from `Dilbert')
``Listen-- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.'' (Monty Python)
Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how
sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
(from `Monty Python and the Holy Grail')
``Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.'' (Groucho Marx)
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he gets hit by an American nuclear submarine.
(seen on the internet)
Never criticise somebody until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, they're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
``R2-D2 clearly couldn't give a toss about anything, and tells
everyone exactly what he thinks of them (why else do you think
the editors insisted on bleeping out everything he says?)'' (J. R. Searle)
``I am Ozymandias; look upon my toaster and despair!''
(graffito on toaster, found in a student kitchen)
``Do we really need two North Dakotas?
I mean, we already have South Dakota as an emergency spare.'' (Scott Adams)
``If you're of average intelligence, you've already outwitted most burglars.'' (Chris MacKenzie)
To an optimist, the glass is half full.
To a pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To an engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
``Maybe this world is another planet's hell.'' (Aldous Huxley)
``...we must explain to our friends and allies, as well as Russia, ....''
(George W. Bush)
``Normal people work, eat, breed, sleep and excrete.
The rest of the time they're watching other people eat, breed, sleep and excrete on reality TV.'' (seen on the internet)
``This game is played in the same way as Musical Chairs, without, however, using chairs.'' (D Minter)
``The reason that the sun never set on the British Empire is that God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark.'' (Duncan Spaeth)
``It doesn't matter how you vote, either way your planet is doomed.'' (from `The Simpsons')
``I had one [good seventh grade teacher]. Smart, witty, excellent
communicator, young, and beautiful. Naturally, she fell over dead in class from a brain haemorrhage.'' (seen on the internet)
``Sure, we humans pulled the levers and poked the chads, but in the
end the machines did the counting and elected one of their own.''
(Scott Adams, on Dick Cheney)
The Boss: What makes you think my mother is a moron?
Dilbert: She fed you.
(Scott Adams)
``If ignorance were cornflakes, you'd be General Mills.''
(Cecil Adams, berating a correspondent in a newspaper column)
``People fought in two World Wars for a society in which a
committee could be free to bring us Unicode symbol 0x2619, the Reversed Rotated Floral Heart Bullet.'' (Andrew Bolt)
Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun.
``Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.''
(Rick Polito, describing film `The Wizard Of Oz')
Luck can't last a lifetime unless you die young
One thing is for sure: the sheep is not a creature of the air. They have enormous difficulty in the comparitively simple act of perchin'.
(Monty Python)
``Faced with a choice between a bald man and a fat man, Conservatives
naturally chose a bald man because the last Conservative leader was a
bald man. It's in their nature-- they're Conservatives.'' (Steve Kimberley)
``Zero completely messed up Roman mathematics by its absence.''
(Simon Singh)
``After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.'' (P. J. O'Rourke)
``If you owe your banker a thousand pounds, you are at his mercy.
If you owe your banker a million pounds, he is at your mercy.''
(John Maynard Keynes)
``If an alien came from space and studied the bacterial counts,
he probably would conclude he should wash his hands in your toilet and crap in your sink.'' (Charles Gerba, microbiologist)
``... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful
termination of their C programs.'' (Robert Firth)
`Evans boldly put 50 atm. of Ethylene in a cell with 25 atm. of oxygen. The apparatus subsequently blew up, but luckily not before he obtained the spectra shown in fig. 8.' A J Merer and R S Mulliken, Chem. Rev. 69, 645 (1969)
Stupidity, the gift that keeps on giving (seen on the internet)
``I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit but it wouldn't matter.''
(Steve Wright)
``I grew up with cartoons the way cartoons were meant to be: mice jabbing hat pins into the anuses of venal felines, tie-wearing bears confounding federal employees, squirrel-and-moose teams foiling Communist plots.'' (James Lileks)
``... and the crowning example, the Mongols! You don't get much
scruffier than that. They didn't even live in houses, and they
conquered half the world.'' (Anthony Mayer)
``Television is to news as bumper stickers are to philosophy.''
(Richard Nixon)
``We've heard that a million monkeys at a million typewriters could produce the complete works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.'' (Robert Wilensky)
``Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy.'' (Kafka)
``The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, `You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done'.'' (George Carlin)
''I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.''
(Jack Handey)
``Journalism mostly consists in saying `Lord Jones is dead' to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive.'' (G K Chesterton)
``Television enables you to be entertained in your home
by people you wouldn't have in your home.'' (David Frost)
``Many people would sooner die than think. In fact, they do.''
(Bertrand Russell)
``Serendipity is looking for a needle in a haystack and finding the farmer's daughter.'' (Hans Kornberg)
``Some people, when confronted with a problem, think, I know, I'll use regular expressions.' Now they have two problems.'' (Jamie Zawinski)
``I believe I am the only living man to deliberately place his hands in the mouth of an attacking cougar.'' (Clarence Hall)
The computer is only a tool. Unfortunately, so is the user.
(seen on the internet)
``If you can tell good advice from bad advice, you don't need any advice.''
DRINK COFFEE -- Do stupid things faster with more energy!
``Treason doth ne'er prosper / And what is the reason?
If treason should prosper / None dare call it treason.''
``What we are looking at is bringing the gambling laws up-to-date --
the existing law is from 1968 when man hadn't even landed on the moon.''
(Penny Cobham, British Casino Association director of non sequiturs)
What do we want? Gradual change!
When do we want it? In due course!
(from Hom Sap, Private Eye)
``Is there no beginning to your talents?''
(Clive Anderson, to Jeffrey Archer)
``Self-barbering became practicable when the crisp, tapered look of the '50s gave way to shaggier styles.''
(Peter Nowak, winner, Philadephia Inquirer Cheapskate of the Year, 2002)
``That Ariel Sharon. Boy, he sure is controversial. Most Western countries would have to have a military coup before they enjoyed a leader of that caliber.'' (Sydney Webb)
`I told all of my friends how they were losers for running UNIX. They should switch to NT.... That was more or less my constant refrain until a single pivotal event changed my life: I actually tried to use NT.' (Philip Greenspun)
`Today's youth should be as morally upright as are the leaders of the free world, and should never consider violence as a way of settling disputes, regardless of provocation, any more than NATO does.'' (Dan Rutter)
``There is a providence that protects idiots, drunkards, children and the United States of America.'' (Otto von Bismarck)
- Jump in the air [...] Why did you come down again?
- I live 'ere.
(explaining gravity: from `The Goon Show')
``My secretary said she once found an open umbrella under all the piles of rubbish on my desk.'' (Kenneth Clarke, on tidiness)
``Religion is what the common people see as true, the wise people see as false, and the rulers see as useful.'' (Seneca)
``Any time you skip a commercial, you're actually stealing the programming.''
(Jamie Kellner, of television station Turner Broadcasting)
``Computer games don't affect kids. I mean, if Pac-Man affected us as
kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching pills
and listening to repetitive music.'' (Marcus Brigstocke)
``I never make predictions. I never have, and I never will.''
(Tony Blair)
``... entrepreneurs with minimal state oversight, like dot-commers with muskets.''
(Doug Muir describes the Spanish Conquistadors in Central America)
Don't argue with idiots-- they drag you down to their level, and then they win because they're playing on home ground.
... nothing you will ever do in that car will ever be as cool as when a courier buddy of mine wrote, in his own blood, on the door of the car that ran him down, ``LEARN TO DRIVE *******.''
(Mike Linkovich, `Why Do Drivers Suck?')
``You can't make what you can't measure because you don't know when you've got it made.'' (Irving Gardner)
Some things have to be believed to be seen.
I have some fun quotes that I'd like to share with everyone. Some suck, some are extremely funny. Enjoy! If you are interested in being friends, just PM me with your life story or something. =)
Your friend in Christ,
Neil B
*******************************
Experience is what enables you to recognise a mistake the second time you make it.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity (anonymous)
God is a comedian, playing to an audience that's too afraid to laugh.
(Voltaire)
A cynic is a man who, upon smelling flowers, looks around for a coffin. (Mencken)
Culture is, roughly, anything we do which the monkeys don't. (Raglan)
Blow your mind. Smoke gunpowder.
History is the sum total of things which could have been avoided.
(Adenauer)
Humankind cannot bear very much reality. (Elliot)
Never attribute to malice what can be explained by stupidity.
(Hanlon)
Democracy is... the worship of jackals by jackasses (Mencken)
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny (Hubbard)
... a place where the money falls apart in your hands,
but you can't tear the toilet paper (Wilder, on France)
An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all (Wilde)
``A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery
and folly. If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.''
(Carlyle, looking at the stars)
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
The trouble with the rat race is that, even if you win, you're still a rat
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking
(Mencken)
``It is much easier to apologise than to get permission.'' (Grace Hopper)
Politicians are like nappies. They should be changed often,
and for the same reason.
In view of the fact that God limited man's intelligence,
it is a pity that He did not also limit his stupidity (Adenauer)
War is Peace Freedom is Slavery Ignorance is Strength
(1984)
The English people are like the English beer--froth on top, dregs at the bottom; the middle, excellent (Voltaire)
A language is a dialect that has an army and a navy (Max Weinreich)
That all men should be brothers is the dream of men who have no brothers
That all men should be brothers is the dream of men who have no brothers
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
Cats are intended to teach us that not
everything in nature has a function (Garrison Keillor)
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do -- and always a clever thing to say
(Will Durant)
Gentlemen! You can't fight in here! This is the War Room!
(from `Dr. Strangelove')
``How come we play war and not peace?''
``Too few role models.'' (Calvin And Hobbes)
Diplomacy is the art of saying `Nice Doggie!', until you can find a rock (Wynn Catlin)
Brain, n., apparatus with which we think that we think (Bierce)
Never has one man's death brought so much pleasure to so many people (newspaper obituary of Stalin)
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.(Calvin and Hobbes)
Life-- some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant
(Anonymous)
``... during slow news periods the major networks kill celebrities
and make it look accidental. Personally, I won't board an airplane
unless the newspaper is packed with good stories.'' (Scott Adams)
I have a sure-fire idea for a hit TV show... it will be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten By A Shark.' (Dave Barry)
``We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute
poverty equally.'' (Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese Foreign Minister)
``The effect of a bisection will in effect create
two separate monopolies.'' (Judge Jackson, Microsoft antitrust hearing)
A half-truth is like half a brick-- you can throw it further
``Any design problem can be solved by adding a level of indirection,
apart from having too many levels of indirection.'' (Cargill)
Never wrestle with a pig.
You both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
If you see a long line of rats streaming off of a ship, the correct
assumption is not `Gosh, I bet that's a real nice boat now that those
rats are gone.' (Mike Sphar)
Television is a medium, so called because it is neither rare nor well done.
``Some of you may have had occasion to run into mathematicians,
and to wonder, therefore, how they got that way.'' (Tom Lehrer)
``Smile,'' someone said. ``It could be worse.'' So I did, and it was.
``A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in
human history -- with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.''
(Mitch Ratcliffe, in `Technology Review', 1992)
The trouble with conspiracy theories is that they assume the government is organised.
``... the reason soldiers retire early is that, at about age 40 - 45, they realise that war is dangerous.'' (anon.)
An Englishman thinks that 100 miles is a long way; an American thinks that 100 years is a long time.
``What lawyers call intellectual property is no more than theft from the public domain.'' (Alex Mueller-Maguhn)
``I won't let you in until you explain the ending of the movie.''
(unknown US immigration officer, to Arthur C. Clarke, 1969)
(nb: movie 2001 and 2010)
``There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.'' (C. Hoare)
``Listen three eyes, don't try to outweird me.
I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal.''
(Zaphod, from `The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy', by Douglas Adams)
``The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision making ability to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee.''
``I'd like to see anyone-- prophet, king or god--
who could get a thousand cats to agree on anything.''
(Neil Gaiman)
``It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.'' (From `Edpress News')
I believe the apparent legitimacy [of the curve] is enhanced by the fact that I used a complicated computer program to make the fit. I understand this is the same process by which the top quark was discovered. (Lucas Kovar)
``I wouldn't call Civil Service delays `tactics', Minister,'' he replied smoothly. ``That would be to mistake lethargy for strategy.''
(Humphrey Appleby, from `Yes, Minister', Jonathan Lynn and Anthony Jay)
``Man, not God, made Man's laws. And God's, too.''
(anonymous, graffito seen on the East London Line)
``Knock hard. Life is deaf.''
(Arnold Wesker)
``The irony of the Information Age is that it has given new respectability to uninformed opinion.'' (John Lawton)
``... you've left the lens cap on your mind again.''
(from `Pinky and The Brain')
Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else.
``What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.'' (Richard Harkness)
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
(tr. ``Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.'')
``I have a sneaking sympathy for Belgium, as a land where, by accident of geography, too often other people have chosen to hold their wars.''
(Alan Follett)
``The only reason [George W. Bush] gets lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.'' (newspaper editorial)
``Man is an exception, whatever else he is. If it is not true that a divine being fell, then we can only say that one of the animals went entirely off its head.'' (G. K. Chesterton)
``History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely when they have exhausted all other alternatives.'' (Abba Eban)
``The jawbone of an ass is just as dangerous a weapon today as in Samson's time.'' (Richard Nixon)
``[American] football combines the two worst features of American life: violence and committee meetings.'' (George Will)
A person is only as big as the thing that makes him angry.
``Pray: v, To ask that the laws of the Universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.'' (Ambrose Bierce, from `The Devil's Dictionary')
``If we let people see that kind of thing, there would never again be any war.'' (US spokesman, on news film of Iraqi soldiers killed by helicopter gunfire)
``The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.'' (George Bernard Shaw)
``Making canned cola requires millions of dollars in abstruse gear
and manufacturing gizmos. It's easier to make nerve gas than
manufacture cola.'' (from the OpenCola.com soft drink recipe)
``The peak years of our intellectual development are between the
ages of four and eighteen. At age four, we knew all the questions;
at eighteen, all the answers.''
``Warning-- do not look directly into LASER with remaining eye.''
``Note that you do not need a parachute to sky-dive. You need a parachute to sky-dive twice.''
viral marketing doesn't work... tell everyone you know
``The Fifth Law of Pipes: The outside diameter must exceed the inside
diameter; otherwise the hole will be on the outside of the pipe.''
``I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, `Whoa, I'm way too high'.'' (Bruce Baum)
``Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think.''
(Scott Adams, from `Dilbert')
``Listen-- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.'' (Monty Python)
Arthur: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how
sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
(from `Monty Python and the Holy Grail')
``Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.'' (Groucho Marx)
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and he gets hit by an American nuclear submarine.
(seen on the internet)
Never criticise somebody until you have walked a mile in their shoes.
That way, they're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
``R2-D2 clearly couldn't give a toss about anything, and tells
everyone exactly what he thinks of them (why else do you think
the editors insisted on bleeping out everything he says?)'' (J. R. Searle)
``I am Ozymandias; look upon my toaster and despair!''
(graffito on toaster, found in a student kitchen)
``Do we really need two North Dakotas?
I mean, we already have South Dakota as an emergency spare.'' (Scott Adams)
``If you're of average intelligence, you've already outwitted most burglars.'' (Chris MacKenzie)
To an optimist, the glass is half full.
To a pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To an engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
``Maybe this world is another planet's hell.'' (Aldous Huxley)
``...we must explain to our friends and allies, as well as Russia, ....''
(George W. Bush)
``Normal people work, eat, breed, sleep and excrete.
The rest of the time they're watching other people eat, breed, sleep and excrete on reality TV.'' (seen on the internet)
``This game is played in the same way as Musical Chairs, without, however, using chairs.'' (D Minter)
``The reason that the sun never set on the British Empire is that God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark.'' (Duncan Spaeth)
``It doesn't matter how you vote, either way your planet is doomed.'' (from `The Simpsons')
``I had one [good seventh grade teacher]. Smart, witty, excellent
communicator, young, and beautiful. Naturally, she fell over dead in class from a brain haemorrhage.'' (seen on the internet)
``Sure, we humans pulled the levers and poked the chads, but in the
end the machines did the counting and elected one of their own.''
(Scott Adams, on Dick Cheney)
The Boss: What makes you think my mother is a moron?
Dilbert: She fed you.
(Scott Adams)
``If ignorance were cornflakes, you'd be General Mills.''
(Cecil Adams, berating a correspondent in a newspaper column)
``People fought in two World Wars for a society in which a
committee could be free to bring us Unicode symbol 0x2619, the Reversed Rotated Floral Heart Bullet.'' (Andrew Bolt)
Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun.
``Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.''
(Rick Polito, describing film `The Wizard Of Oz')
Luck can't last a lifetime unless you die young
One thing is for sure: the sheep is not a creature of the air. They have enormous difficulty in the comparitively simple act of perchin'.
(Monty Python)
``Faced with a choice between a bald man and a fat man, Conservatives
naturally chose a bald man because the last Conservative leader was a
bald man. It's in their nature-- they're Conservatives.'' (Steve Kimberley)
``Zero completely messed up Roman mathematics by its absence.''
(Simon Singh)
``After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.'' (P. J. O'Rourke)
``If you owe your banker a thousand pounds, you are at his mercy.
If you owe your banker a million pounds, he is at your mercy.''
(John Maynard Keynes)
``If an alien came from space and studied the bacterial counts,
he probably would conclude he should wash his hands in your toilet and crap in your sink.'' (Charles Gerba, microbiologist)
``... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful
termination of their C programs.'' (Robert Firth)
`Evans boldly put 50 atm. of Ethylene in a cell with 25 atm. of oxygen. The apparatus subsequently blew up, but luckily not before he obtained the spectra shown in fig. 8.' A J Merer and R S Mulliken, Chem. Rev. 69, 645 (1969)
Stupidity, the gift that keeps on giving (seen on the internet)
``I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit but it wouldn't matter.''
(Steve Wright)
``I grew up with cartoons the way cartoons were meant to be: mice jabbing hat pins into the anuses of venal felines, tie-wearing bears confounding federal employees, squirrel-and-moose teams foiling Communist plots.'' (James Lileks)
``... and the crowning example, the Mongols! You don't get much
scruffier than that. They didn't even live in houses, and they
conquered half the world.'' (Anthony Mayer)
``Television is to news as bumper stickers are to philosophy.''
(Richard Nixon)
``We've heard that a million monkeys at a million typewriters could produce the complete works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.'' (Robert Wilensky)
``Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy.'' (Kafka)
``The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, `You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done'.'' (George Carlin)
''I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.''
(Jack Handey)
``Journalism mostly consists in saying `Lord Jones is dead' to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive.'' (G K Chesterton)
``Television enables you to be entertained in your home
by people you wouldn't have in your home.'' (David Frost)
``Many people would sooner die than think. In fact, they do.''
(Bertrand Russell)
``Serendipity is looking for a needle in a haystack and finding the farmer's daughter.'' (Hans Kornberg)
``Some people, when confronted with a problem, think, I know, I'll use regular expressions.' Now they have two problems.'' (Jamie Zawinski)
``I believe I am the only living man to deliberately place his hands in the mouth of an attacking cougar.'' (Clarence Hall)
The computer is only a tool. Unfortunately, so is the user.
(seen on the internet)
``If you can tell good advice from bad advice, you don't need any advice.''
DRINK COFFEE -- Do stupid things faster with more energy!
``Treason doth ne'er prosper / And what is the reason?
If treason should prosper / None dare call it treason.''
``What we are looking at is bringing the gambling laws up-to-date --
the existing law is from 1968 when man hadn't even landed on the moon.''
(Penny Cobham, British Casino Association director of non sequiturs)
What do we want? Gradual change!
When do we want it? In due course!
(from Hom Sap, Private Eye)
``Is there no beginning to your talents?''
(Clive Anderson, to Jeffrey Archer)
``Self-barbering became practicable when the crisp, tapered look of the '50s gave way to shaggier styles.''
(Peter Nowak, winner, Philadephia Inquirer Cheapskate of the Year, 2002)
``That Ariel Sharon. Boy, he sure is controversial. Most Western countries would have to have a military coup before they enjoyed a leader of that caliber.'' (Sydney Webb)
`I told all of my friends how they were losers for running UNIX. They should switch to NT.... That was more or less my constant refrain until a single pivotal event changed my life: I actually tried to use NT.' (Philip Greenspun)
`Today's youth should be as morally upright as are the leaders of the free world, and should never consider violence as a way of settling disputes, regardless of provocation, any more than NATO does.'' (Dan Rutter)
``There is a providence that protects idiots, drunkards, children and the United States of America.'' (Otto von Bismarck)
- Jump in the air [...] Why did you come down again?
- I live 'ere.
(explaining gravity: from `The Goon Show')
``My secretary said she once found an open umbrella under all the piles of rubbish on my desk.'' (Kenneth Clarke, on tidiness)
``Religion is what the common people see as true, the wise people see as false, and the rulers see as useful.'' (Seneca)
``Any time you skip a commercial, you're actually stealing the programming.''
(Jamie Kellner, of television station Turner Broadcasting)
``Computer games don't affect kids. I mean, if Pac-Man affected us as
kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching pills
and listening to repetitive music.'' (Marcus Brigstocke)
``I never make predictions. I never have, and I never will.''
(Tony Blair)
``... entrepreneurs with minimal state oversight, like dot-commers with muskets.''
(Doug Muir describes the Spanish Conquistadors in Central America)
Don't argue with idiots-- they drag you down to their level, and then they win because they're playing on home ground.
... nothing you will ever do in that car will ever be as cool as when a courier buddy of mine wrote, in his own blood, on the door of the car that ran him down, ``LEARN TO DRIVE *******.''
(Mike Linkovich, `Why Do Drivers Suck?')
``You can't make what you can't measure because you don't know when you've got it made.'' (Irving Gardner)
Some things have to be believed to be seen.
