Hello, I need your thoughts(a look into my life)

[millennial crusader]

I just turned 30 and I been drinking,smoking,drugs(uppers) on and off since I was 14.

The past 5 years I would say that I've definitely stepped up my drinking and cocaine addiction.Monthly bi monthly 2 day binges are not uncommon.Cocaine and Booz and E is the worst because of how great it mixes. It wouldn't be anything for me to down 12 beers and a bottle of scotch and a 8ball.I've had friends od and die, I know many people that are locked up in prison for getting into dealing drugs for a long time. I've always some how escaped by the skin of my teeth.

I always drive home. I've been pulled over drunk, prolly if I had to guess, 5 times in my life drunk and some how talked my way out of it. I learned along time ago that if it wasn't for my good genes I would of been dead already.I guess I've selfishly enough taken advantage of that fact.

Whats the most dangerous alcoholic,Addict? The ones that get violent and rage bar fights? Wrong. Its people like me that remain totally pure hearted while using, abusing.It's this type of mentality that endures time.

I dj electronic dance music on the side and it invites me into this type of godless lifestyle.There is a very strong lure for me to do this.Money,travel,lust,vogue..etc

As a christian by faith this is very hard for me. I know that I'm putting these things before Christ but I do them any way out of boredom.Lately I been feeling more of a depressed "come down" that I've never personally experienced but have witnessed others experience.I walked into my first NA meeting in a church, I was coming down from a 2 day binge and was looking for like minded people. However just as I thought it was totally unfulfilling for me... and I feel its the same type of people in all the other groups,(I admit that's prolly ignorant)but its mostly true. Most people at these groups are still trying to figure out why and if they are addicts and its very annoying for me to have to listen to these people try and figure things out. Its like being a college grad having to be forced to watch barney reruns or something.

I guess its the same,I almost want to say confused, mentally that people have in church. I cant find a church I like either.

When with all this still said I still believe that I'm a soldier for christ and he has a special plan for me.I want to be alive for this. It's just a matter of time before I get a DUI for real or get arrested with drugs on me or worse.

I feel that I'm a very unique case and I just wish that I could meet other people that are around my age and think they way I do.But, I been around long enough to figure out now that if there are they are far and few between. I'm desperate for a change but at the same time I don't believe,or have found, that there is a sufficient subsitute lifestyle for me.
Maybe it is because I'm not a strong enough christian or some would argue that I might be a christian at all.

I'm a hopeless romantic. I mean that in the way that I'm in love with being in love with a woman that I will never meet.

lol, I just looked back and read all this and it just seems so pathetic to me.
I drew a couple conclusions from what I typed.

1.I'm lonely
2.Depressed
3.suffer from delusions
lol I could go on but I wont.

Whether or not I gain anything from anyone's replies from this post, I admit, it feels good to type this out, to share it. In a way I'm starting to feel that its medicating right now. Therapeutic even. I'm smiling right now.

 

[davidkiwi]

Hiya there

I spent a long time doing the "live a worldly life while professing a Christian faith" thing, and I can only describe my own experiences and what I've done, anecdotally.

Firstly, to be a Christian ultimately requires our making Him Lord of our life. There is actually a world of difference between professing faith and actually developing a relationship with Jesus and trusting Him to direct all areas of our life. From my experience, if we don't do that the easy way, He will allow us really screw up our lives doing it our own way until we can literally see no hope but to honestly seek Him. Think about this. Do you want your lesson in life to be killing someone while you are DUI? Because it could happen, and there won't be any greasy grace quick fix to the consequences of that.

There's something I've observed, and I believe there is a very obvious scriptural basis for it. The unhappiest people on earth are backsliden Christians. The unsaved who simply do not believe sometimes seem to get away with sin with impunity. We don't, and the consequences are usually a life in total disarray. Looking back, I cannot believe the extent to which I refused to surrender to His will, given how obvious it was that my own plans were so obviously not working.

But I have experienced exactly what you are, and these are some thoughts concerning each point...

Loneliness - Forgetting for a moment about the fact that is desirable, in fact a requirement, to fellowship, there can be a time of healing in really seeking God by oneself, with no confusing theories that everyone else might have and none of the seeker-sensitive feel-good experiential faith that some churches now seem to flourish on. Turn simply to your Bible and prayer. Let the commitment to fellowship be something that you are guided in later. Perhaps if you feel the need, sometimes just walk into a church anonymously to be able to worship and hear teaching. But the big one is to read the Bible for yourself. Simply read it for what it is plainly saying, maybe revisiting the Gospel of John and forgetting all of the complicated interpretations that you may have heard. Rule 1 of Bible study, scripture usually says what it is plainly saying. And begin honest dialog with God. Tell Him what you've told us, and then be still and let Him begin the process of sanctification in you.

Suffering from delusions - There is a Keith Green song that I love that has a verse...
Like waking up from the longest dream, how real it seemed
Until your love broke through
I've been lost in a fantasy, that blinded me
Until your love broke through
I can vividly recall a startling sense I had when I finally got real with God, like shaking my head and wondering what on earth I'd been thinking up till then. It was literally like stepping out of a fantasy, and I believe that the world is literally living a fantasy. By way of pleasure, denial, drugs it blocks out the realities of life, such as true love, pain, death. And blocks out the reality of God and eternal issues.

Part of your process I think is to allow yourself to feel. I can remember a point where I really opened my eyes and had a revelation of my whole life. What I'd really felt as a child, my disappointments, the depth of the hurt I'd experienced throughout my life. It was actually horrible, and it was a real revelation of what sin really is. But God had to show me that a choice to yield to Him as Lord is a black and white decision (interestingly, something I'd often said was, "Life is not black and white, it is all grays.") The world as it is in its present form is a total antithesis of God's kingdom. When I faced reality I began to heal.

Not sure if I am of any help. There is so much could be said. But in a nutshell, it requires a decision. You will still have temptations, you might ocassionally fail... but you have to set your will to accept Jesus' rule in your life. We cannot live serving two kingdoms. It requires a decision on your part! Then let Him be the architect of the solutions to your problems. Hard to explain, but things then begin to fall into place one at a time. You find peace.

Praying for you, all the best and give me a holler if you ever have specific questions that I may be able to answer, because I have largely been where you have.

 

[paul becke]

Just few words of advice given to me or I've picked up, you might find useful:
We're not asked to do ostensibly grand, epic things. It's better to pick up a scrap of paper from the floor and drop it in the waste-paper basket, if that's what God wants of us at that moment, than to give our body up to be burnt at the stake, if he doesn't want it of us at that moment.

Common sense is where God works with us much of the time. You might be interested in Pierre de Caussade's book, The Sacrament of the Present Moment.

Whatever you do, no matter how humble the task, do it to the best of your ability. Common sense to most people, but it wasn't to me.

Continually build on the personal relationship with God you seem to have, though I expect church attendance can help with that. There is a certain discipline in going, if you don't get a social buzz from it. Parishioners are good and bad like the rest of us. Christ's tried to throw him over a cliff, but he didn't go to the synagogue for their approval. I once heard a quote: "If you ever find a church with no hypocrites, whatever you do, don't join it, because you will surely spoil it."

Make a real effort to stop the drugs thing, because if you avoid prison and harming others, you may die a death by inches, as your organs and body, generally, fail.

Also, always remember, everything takes time.

The good news is that you are at a wonderful turning point in your life. It's good to see that you seem to recognise it.

 

[millennial crusader]

David, thank you for taking the time to reading and answering my post.
Again thanks for your post.

One thing that I do have is what I feel to be a strong relationship with jesus,god via holy spirit.. with that being said you can imagine the convection that I'm under at times. But I wonder things like, is there any end to convection?
Like, for example, if you eliminate a particular sin in your life, wouldn't it be replaced with something new?
I have a strong feeling that my questions aren't really unique..lol. I'm sure if I spent more time looking around this forum its going to help answer a lot of them.

"Put Jesus first"
See I feel I do this in many ways, I feel that I'm always in direct commutation with him.. even when I party. I'm not saying that he agrees with these choices that I make but he is aware that I'm aware that I know he is aware..whoa.. that's a tricky one.
Anything for the past 10 years of my life that I've ever received has a gain in life I've thanked him for.Even when I'm on my way home from these wild parties.But I know where you are trying to take me with that..put his will first..I get it. But don't we all fall short though?
I know that there is scripture talking about Christians that turn there back on god and how dangerous of a game that is.. and I admit that very much frightens me. You are right in the fact that god will really screw our lives up
to gain our attention.This is a everyday struggle that I would like to have a permanent fix to but I feel we can never get. Maybe we can?

I feel I definitely look at the world through the spiritual side of things.In many ways things are very much only black and white. The idea of that we cant serve two kingdoms. I think about this a lot. I wonder is it that we cant fully gain what we truly want out of either, by serving, if that is indeed what is going on? Yes, your post has been a help.


paul becke,
Thank you for that book reference. I have it saved in my amazon account and I'll look for it the next time I visit the library.
Yes, I have a very hard time dealing with the typical church goers. I cant ever seem to find anyone that's like me or is rooted deeply enough in their relationship with god and at the same time with sin.I will pray more about it.
Also thanks for pointing out that I might be working toward a different path.I feel like you may be right this is all sorta just coming to me right now.

 

[davidkiwi]

Hmmm, there is a whole lot I'd like to get chatting about concerning your original post and this one.

As it happens it is late afternoon New Years eve and I have out of town visitors arriving soon so I am madly cleaning the house up.

But I'm very interested in this discussion.

Tonight I'll probably end up at a pub amongst revellers, really as part of having guests as I'm not into that lifestyle now. And I'm always the sober driver which I enjoy, and I like the freedom of relating to people without being wasted.

Funny, last time I went to a party amongst old friends many of whom were smoking dope, drinking and so forth, a group of us got into quite an interesting conversation as to why we'd abused everything so much when younger, like what we thought the underlying psychology was. It was revealing. And something that really struck me was the degree to which collectively I could almost see the scars of life etched on the faces there (we're all around our fifties now).

Anyway, have a great day and as I said I will be praying for you. Something about the nature of what you're saying in your posts makes me sense you are really at a crossroads. That's good!