Hello, having a very tough time

[MatthewBoB]

Hello my name is Matthew, I am a faithful Christian. Presently I'm at a weak point in my faith however. I am 20, nearly 21 years old. I am going to school, working on my second degree and am a fairly emotional man. I tend to repress my feelings though, I grew up in a Pastors family, though my parents argued nearly non stop, so I pretty much hid in my room. They got divorced at the end of my Freshman year in high school. I've deal with a lot of depression issues, pretty much since I was 10-12, though have never told anyone about it. I still fight it all the time, usually in faith, and up until now I've managed to pull through.

I'll sum up a few events, you've all heard this story told before though.

As usual it starts with a woman. She is a class mate, have known her for about a year now. We became very good friends and presently I'd consider her my best friend, I talk to her either every night, or every other night, and most days. I developed a romantic interest in her, I asked her out, she said yes happily. The date was planned after a road trip me her and a few other classmates took (I kept everything proper, I made sure she had her own room) She flirted with me on and off throughout it. Though shes expressed her feelings of not wanting to be in a relationship before (in general conversation before this)... I asked her before the trip about the date, to make sure it was still on, she said yes. On the trip I asked her again, when we were alone, she said yes again. It came to the date, things came up (now im thinking it mightve been more)... it didnt work out, we planned it a week later, same thing happened, then a week later... i finally sent her an email with some concerns and she ignored me for a week... we talked afterwords and she wanted to just remain as friends.

Well I care deeply about her, being just friends is the last thing I want to be, but then again as you all know, caring means sacraficing. So I told her whatever made her happy. I felt pretty bad for a couple weeks... then got stressed with work the past two weeks... this weekend I've been taking it harder than I have ever taken anything before...

I sent her an e-mail venting some things, she read it and was very supportive. I'm finding I care much more deeply about her than I thought I did. Its becoming very hard for me to be around and talk with her and force myself to think of her as a friend, the idea of her dating another guy is beyond what I can bare even. I've never been hit this hard before, even being very emotional....
I'm feeling very depressed and have had about an hour of sleep the past few nights, and about 3 each night the past month... I don't know what to do... I've hinted at some of what I feel, but I can't tell her all of it, it will just make her feel bad, and thats the last thing I want. Though I still feel horrible... please any help or advice would be appretiated... anything

 

[Rafael]

Hello Matthew. I've been in those situations when I was young too. The best thing is to concentrate on making the Lord number one in your life and then He will make everything fall into place for you concerning a mate. I know you heard the verse that tells us to seek first the Kingdom of God and all things will be added unto you..... well it is true, and when we force the issue, then we just aren't fully trusting our Lord. If the time is right, God will move on your behalf, but never forcing. Before you get anxious about this situation, take it to the Lord and place it before Him. Be satisfied to leave it there and patient to wait for His answer. Great blessing awaits those that can wait upon the Lord, but much regret if we make mistakes by getting in a hurry.
May you be blessed and grow in God's grace while at college, and may you always remember your first love is Jesus.

Mt 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Php 4:6 In nothing be anxious; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.

Ro 8:25 But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.

Rev. 2:2 I know thy works, and thy labour, and thy patience, and how thou canst not bear them which are evil: and thou hast tried them which say they are apostles, and are not, and hast found them liars:
3 And hast borne, and hast patience, and for my name’s sake hast laboured, and hast not fainted.
4 Nevertheless I have somewhat against thee, because thou hast left thy first love.

 

[braeden]

one of my guy best friends confided me about his feelings that day he asked me out (which i thought it was just a friendly date).
of course i felt really awkward cos he's a best friend.i was the usual nice person that day (after he said it) but was careful of not being extra sweet or somethin-- it might give him false ideas that i like him back that way.he's been more nicer than ever after his revelation. then i finally told him that i dont wanna risk what we have--the friendship. it took awhile before he got to hang around with me without that total eerie feeling, he said he had. & he also told me he got really depressed for like weeks thats i had not seen him around or heard from him.
well now, im just gonna say it to you the same thing i said to him... let God be the author of your love story. and that means, trusting Him.
focus your mind to Jesus. make Him number 1 (FIRST LOVE) and make sure that between first and second love there's a huge gap, i hope u get what i mean. u see, i fell in love with some guy as in i c0uld hardly sleep, i pray just for the sake of it (not from my heart prayer), i thought about him all the time...and it's just not right. so now i made sure that something like this wont happen again...and yeah, take it from raphne too. God Bless!

1 Peter 5:7 - Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you

 

[cyberwood]

Matthew,
Raphe and Braeden both offer sound wisdom. Thank you both, as it speaks to me as well, and affirms the only true hope I will ever have.

I believe that we are currently in similar situations Matthew. About a month or so ago, I called off an engagement - we were to be married in July. It's been a battle - every day is life-or-death, sink-or-swim, survive-or-die mentality (which is as it should be - Christians are at war with themselves). I love her deeply, and still do, but it is not the Lord's plan for us to be together.

Like you, the thought of her dating another is heart-breaking. Also, like you, I want her to be happy, even if that is not with me. Like you said, caring means sacrificing. If I love her, then I will give her up to the Lord.

This situation has taught me something extremely valuable. Fall on the Lord or die. My hopes in the world are fading to the extant that I am growing in the Lord. When I hope that I may have a marriage with a woman, my heart is dislocated. This is what I did. But when my hopes are in the Lord, when I am led to a woman, I will be unshakeable, since I have first loved the Lord. Basically, you and I both must take our heartache before the Lord. Together we may be strengthened.

As to handling the situation, let me ask this: how much are you benefiting her by continuing your close relationship? Even more, how much are you benefiting by maintaining your close relationship? My ex-fiance has told me that if I ever want to talk with her, I may, but I know all-too-clearly that I would only be a downer, and it would set me back in moving on from her toward the Lord. There is also a more sinister reason why I would continue any relationship with her - a part of me that still clings to her, and puts down the Lord. The part of me that exalts Creation over the Creator, and hopes in her and not the Lord. It is not that I do not like her - no, I love her, and I know that I do - but it is that I must be honest in recognizing that I have a romantic tie with her that I would be powerless to stop if I were with her. But I must break, and so I (out of love) break away and go before the Lord instead.

Here is another tactic that I have used to keep from spiraling downward: exercise. There is much energy placed into our heartache - we think about it, we ache about it, we fight it inside. There are times when it hits me, and it hits me hard, and it is *right then* that I immediately change, throw on shoes as fast as I can, and get out of my apt. and run. During these runs I *cry out* to the Lord for strength - and as my body wears down, my spirit finds rest in Him. I am brutally honest, and I expose myself before Him. The result is patience and peace that I did not have before. Of course, the pain comes back, but we must continually fight it by taking it before the Lord, and submitting ourselves to His mercy. You may find, then, after exercise, that the nights leave you too exhausted to think - you just crash.

Now, I am not saying this is what you should do, please don't get me wrong, but I am only offering that as tactics from another in the trenches. If you would like support, please feel free to PM me - I will go with you as far as you want.

Like Raphe said, seek first the Kingdom of God, and all things will be added to you. Raphe's on the other side, and can see much more clearly than we can. Even more, the Lord is on all sides, and sees us completely, and *knows* what is best for us.

-Chris

 

[desi]

Matt you are the captain of your ship of destiny, as a man it is up to you to define what you want and work with God towards making it manifest. If God leads you in another direction so be it but until then chin up and take what you deserve while trusting God to provide. If you want this woman and are confident in your manner you will not fail as she will submit to you. I pray for God to guide you.

 

[Rage4Christ]

MattewBob, you've got alot of work to do. From reading this post it looks like you are a victim of your emotions. You use them as an excuse to feel bad and down on yourself.

Now if you are clinically depressed individual that is a different story. So first off-- GO SEE A THERAPIST. Be honest and open. See if you need medical attention for clinical depression.

If that is not the case, brace yourself, because it is alot of work.

You need to discover who you are and learn to master your emotions. Learn to describe your emotions to yourself, learn from them, let your body and your soul tell you things by listening and interpreting them. This is not easy. Emotions are a unique way to understand the world and CHrist, but don't let them take over, don't play victim to your feelings.

From your post it looks like your parents weren't their to coach you in emotional intelligence. THe key of emotional intelligence is learning what your body and soul is saying to you and reading emotions off of others. Clearly this girl is giving you emotional signals and you've picked up on them a bit, but not entirely.

If your the bookish type I recommend Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goldman.

You can do this. Its part of growing up. It is often said men don't completely understand what their emotions are telling them until they are 30 years old.

Try not to look at this in the negative. This is an adventure. THink positive. Look to CHrist. Christ's love is unconditional, he will always be there for you.

 

[MatthewBoB]

Thank you everyone who has posted in reply. The weekend was dreadfully long and that night I posted I had another 1 hour night of sleep; however, the last two nights I've had nearly a full nights sleep and am feeling much better.

It is still hard since I see her and talk with her every day, though with your inspiration and strength from the Lord I am pulling through.

I took the suggestion on exercising and that helped a great deal, it wore my body down enough that my mind couldn't keep me up and now I'm coping better due to the rest.

I am the bookish type and will definately check that book out, thank you for refering it to me.

I've heard it said before that to truly be ready to love someone you must love yourself first and you are right about me not being in control of my emotions. I need to learn to love myself first, and I beleive she suffers from the same problem, she has a very low self esteem, which Is why I am determined to remain friends, so I can uplift her in at least that manor.

I have a lot of growing and learning to do and am prepared to do it, I have placed it in the Lord's hands and am struggling to keep my faith, though I am. Any further inspiration or further replies would be greatly appreciated, though what you all have said and helped me with has helped a great deal so far.

I know even though I beleive she has feelings for me, I must not be dependent upon that, I must not be controled by my emotions like you say... that is what I'm trying to do.... your right its a lot of work and I'm taking it one step at a time.

Again thank you, and any further advice or inspiration is more than welcome

God bless you all

 

[MatthewBoB]

I had a very tough two days... these two days in class she was dressed up and look so beautiful. I also sit right next to her, considering shes still my best friend.... I'm struggling to keep my head above the water, to not let depression consume me... I know I need to trust in the Lord and he will grant me the self control...
I just dont know what to do.. whats the first step from the place I'm in. Its so hard to motivate myself when I don't want to live without her... but I know I must.

 

[MatthewBoB]

All day long I've been rushed with it... each time I turn to the lord and give it to him....

now I am more confused than ever...

I love her. I knew it the whole time, just couldn't admit it, I knew what that meant to admit it, if I am to move on in any direction I must admit it though, I love her and ohh how much I love her.

The problem is im pretty sure she doesnt love me in the same way... I know she has, or had, some feelings for me, but at the moment I have no idea how she feels. Though I beleive she wouldnt want a relationship with me, if anyone....

I keep handing it to the Lord, I've prayed over and over and this is how I feel... I feel different than before, but my mind, soul, and heart feels like its going to explode....
I want to tell her, I feel like I need to tell her... but I don't know what that will do to our friendship, I think that will make her feel bad.... I dont want that, I love her.... I... I feel like im going to die if I dont at least tell her... but that just seems like it will make everything worse.
I don't think she loves me, I really dont think she does.... but after every prayer this is what my heart tells me.....
Ohh lord please guide me.... please advise me, please give me your wisdom... I am so unsure... I have faith and I trust in you... tell me if this is the path you want me to go....... I admit I have doubts, I feel I will only inflict more pain and suffering on her ... and on me.... Lord help me.

 

[MatthewBoB]

Well an update, for any of those that read this, I sent her an e-mail sharing some of my feelings with her. I beleive I did this in a non aggressive way...


in the least I got some of this off my chest, now I think I can rest knowing I did all I could to show how I feel... the rest I leave up to the Lord... whether he chooses to bring us together or leave us as friends.

Of course I would choose and hope for us being together, but I think I'm finally faithful enough to accept us as just friends, even if it will be a hard road.

 

[desi]

MB, you either like her or you don't. The man she will end up with will go up to her in person and and ask her out, bottom line. It will progress from there. You must be decisive. Don't use feelers in the form of emails or asking others what she thinks, or even asking her what she thinks because what she tells you is of little use if you want her to be with you. When a man gives a woman what she didn't know she wanted he becomes her man. If you do this for her she will cherish you. Go for it... go up to her in class with a rose, tell her you don't usually date friends but in this case you'll make an exception the suggest ditching class for coffee, ice cream, a pic nic under the apple tree. If she says no, say you're right ditching class is a bad habit. We'll do it after class instead. Be specific (dinner, movie, ice cream as opposed to chick talk 'what do you want to do'), women want a decisive man who knows what he wants. Be unexpected and charming. If you are not fake it until you are. If you severely doubt yourself practice on other girls until you are where you can function reasonably well. Rent High Fidelity if you have not seen it, it should at least entertain you but hopefully more. Many Christians disagree with me on my dating advice because it is not pc in many churchs. I'll leave you with this: I picked the woman I wanted to marry and married her, the woman of my dreams. Our sixth child is due in July and August will be our 10 year anniversary.

The Christian male of this day and age is often 'feminized' which stinks to high heaven to most nondesperate women. Its why good girls date bad guys. If we good guys can learn from the bad by employing confidence we can get the good girls too! If anyone knows of a Christian book which jibes with my advice please PM me because I could make a mint teaching this stuff.