Hello everyone! I'm looking for some christian dating advice

[Poliskis]

Hey everyone! I'm excited to be a part of this community! I'm here because I'm a bit confused about my relationship. I've been dating someone for close to 3 years now and it has been a roller coaster of a ride. It started off great (as most do) then got really rough during which we almost broke up. But we've worked through a lot of it and we're doing a lot better. And still growing. There's just one issue that has been more of a recent problem... and that is attraction. When I first met her I was not immediately attracted to her but once I got to know her more, I was really attracted to her personality and I could see the beauty in her. However, I don't know if I can say I ever became physically attracted to her. That didn't seem like an issue at first since I was more interested in personality than physical appearance. But as time has gone on and the reality of marriage has dawned on me, I feel like I find myself thinking about this more and more and I'm wondering if it is unwise to marry someone you are not physically attracted to. I've heard it said that if you are not longing for your wedding night, then there might be something wrong with your relationship. Not that, as Christians, we should be obsessing about sex and physical pleasure but we are wired to desire that and I'm not sure I desire that with her.

My real confusion here is whether my thoughts are reasonable/healthy/appropriate for a Christian. I must admit that I am attracted to a woman's breasts (as most guys are!) and my current girlfriend doesn't have much of a figure, she's quite thin. Is this shallow to think this way? Should I be denying myself in this area of life? Is physical attraction something that we should give a lot of importance? Would it be dishonest to marry someone I am not attracted to?

I believe the purpose of marriage is to have someone to help you grow and serve the Lord to your best ability. If I can do this with her then am I wrong to be having these thoughts?

Sorry for all the questions, I've just really been struggling with this! Any help is appreciated! Thank you!! God bless!

 

[Albion]

Hi. You're probably going to get a lot of personal "takes" on the issues you brought to us, so that may not help YOU as much as might be hoped.

That said, here are mine.

I find that a range of body types can be attractive (and more) so long as the person is physically appealing to you overall. Slim or curvy, they're both in the game. If that is completely untrue of you, however, I'd worry about this particular relationship's future.

Sometimes, that person's style, behavior, and so on can be so sexy in itself that it offsets what the partner finds appealing or not appealing body-wise. BUT how does that relate to you?

In my opinion, you are probably on shaky ground with this relationship if none of this refers to you in the present circumstances.

And it doesn't help if someone says something that's meant to be consoling, like "it's all in your head." Well, yes, physical attraction is largely mental. But it's got to be there!

This is the situation with a lot of men, so you're not looking abnormal in what you've told us. But the problem might be more or less impossible to overcome. Other people who reply to your post will most likely seem more supportive and less candid than I have been, so let's hope that's the case and that they are right. All I can do is be honest with you, which is what I've tried to do.

I don't, by the way, think your feelings are in conflict with your religious faith.

 

[Darkhorse]

When I first met her I was not immediately attracted to her but once I got to know her more, I was really attracted to her personality and I could see the beauty in her. However, I don't know if I can say I ever became physically attracted to her. That didn't seem like an issue at first since I was more interested in personality than physical appearance. But as time has gone on and the reality of marriage has dawned on me, I feel like I find myself thinking about this more and more and I'm wondering if it is unwise to marry someone you are not attracted to. I've heard it said that if you are not longing for your wedding night, then there might be something wrong with your relationship. Not that, as Christians, we should be obsessing about sex and physical pleasure but we are wired to desire that and I'm not sure I desire that with her.

My real confusion here is whether my thoughts are reasonable/healthy/appropriate for a Christian. I must admit that I am attracted to a woman's breasts (as most guys are!) and my current girlfriend is quite slender. I try my best to not dwell on these ideas and not allow attraction to become lust but I must admit that it's something that catches my attention and is desirable for me. Is this shallow to think this way? Should I be denying myself in this area of life? Is physical attraction something that we should give a lot of importance? Would it be dishonest to marry someone I am not attracted to?

I believe the purpose of marriage is to have someone to help you grow and serve the Lord to your best ability. If I can do this with her then am I wrong to be having these thoughts?

Sorry for all the questions, I've just really been struggling with this! Any help is appreciated! Thank you!! God bless!

It seems to me that the two underlined passages are contradictory. I suspect that the "attraction" that you say you don't have is the hypnotizing, captivating effect that beautiful women have on us guys. Obviously you are attracted to her personality and to some of her physical features.

I'm an old guy in my 60s and have been married for 30 years. My wife never stunned me with her physical beauty; she's actually quite plain. What initially attracted me was 1) her common sense; 2) her grasp on reality (including her appearance); 3) the interests and values we had in common; and 4) how easy she was to talk to (which was unusual for me).

Things like sexual appeal do not depend on society's idea of beauty. They depend on the quality of your relationship, and how truly intimate the two of you are with each other.

You should be thinking about these things, and not denying your enjoyment of female attraction.
The love between a man and a woman is a gift from God, and it begins before you are married.

 

[GodsGrace101]

Your thoughts are reasonable and healthy.
If there's no passion now,,,what will it be like 10 years from now?
It's a healthy part of life.
Especially when it has to last a life-time.

 

[Jimdubu]

I understand what you are going through. The thing to remember is God will supply you with a mate that is according to his will, what He finds attractive, not your's or a worldly definition of attractive. I have included an interesting article on this subject. Settling for a Spouse - Focus on the Family Prayer my friend.

 

[Paidiske]

Well, I read this from a woman's point of view, and I think this question of whether and how she's attractive to you... that's going to change over time.

Even if your potential wife were the most stunning person you've ever seen, she would age over time, things would sag and wrinkle and gray. Think beyond the wedding night; can you imagine loving someone until she is eighty?

On the other hand, in your case it might work out well. If your only objection is her small bust, time and life (and pregnancy) may well shift her appearance in that area.

So my point is that it's good to be attracted to your spouse, but focussing on how someone looks at a particular point in time is to invest in something that is simply not going to last. Can you make your peace with that? If not, you might have some maturing to do before being ready for marriage with anyone.

I hope that doesn't come across as harsh, but I do hope it's a helpful perspective.

 

[gabriellaaaaa]

I don't think physical attraction is necessary or even desirable. In fact, I think it's probably better that you love her for her personality, and not for physical reasons - it shows you truly care about her and that the relationship is actually deep. I find it disingenuous when people pretend they "care" about someone when in reality the truth is that had that gal or guy not been beautiful / handsome, they wouldn't have even noticed them in the first place and probably wouldn't even think about them.