I understand what it is like to go through the holidays, and see people drinking and face temptation. I am in recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous, and know about that.
I hope you are active in either AA or NA. I find the support of people who understand, and working the 12 Steps to be freeing for me. I have not missed drinking since I surrendered 22 months ago.
I understand that you would like someone to be in your life, to make you feel special around the holidays. I have been divorced for ten years, and miss the companionship and specialness of a relationship. But, I have learned that my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ finds me very special and is the love of my life now. He has thoroughly met all of my needs in the past 10 years, and I really am content not dating, and living alone right now.
Being a young mom, your main focus and concern should be on the care and nurturing of your three year old. His emotional development at this age is crucial.
Instead of feeling sorry for yourself for your inability to drink, or loneliness, get to work on building a social support system. Go to AA or NA meetings a lot, and find out what special activities they will be doing on the holidays. MY AA clubhouse has marathon AA meetings on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, so people have a safe place to go where the emphasis is on sobriety and recovery.
Also, seek out a Ladies Bible study, where you can connect with other Moms and women who can empathize with being a mother in today's society. There, you should seek a mature woman who can disciple/mentor you as a Christian woman and Mom. My church has two such studies, both having childcare. In addition to digging into God's Word, we pray for and encourage each other in our growth in the Lord.
Finally, this is an exhortation/admonishment concerning your language. I am not being critical here. I just believe that as a Christian Mom, you need to watch your language because you are supposed to be a Christian role model for your son. As believers, we are supposed to be using words that bless, not curse, others. Instead of making reference to something p***ing you off, just say, "I find it very frustrating and tempting."
Ephesians 4 discusses what our language and overall attitude should be. "29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Romans 12:1 and 2 supports this. "1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of Gods mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to Godthis is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what Gods will ishis good, pleasing and perfect will."
I do not judge you, because I used to act and feel the same way as you. I am bipolar, borderline personality disordered, alcoholic, and used to curse like a truck driver, and feel sorry for myself for not being able to drink socially. Unfortunately, I learned that the disease of alcoholism is progressive, and my last relapse, after a six year sobriety in AA, was horrific. I would drink a liter and half of wine every night for a week to ten days, then quit, go back to AA, and stay off it for a month or so, just to start all over again. Even outpatient rehab treatment did not help. I wound up first in a psych ward, after slicing my legs with a razor blade 30 times each. After a week in the psych ward, I went to an inpatient drug/alcohol treatment center for two weeks. There I learned I had never worked all 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. That was 22 months ago.
Today, I rigorously work my AA program, attending four to five meetings a week. I also attend a Ladies Bible study weekly. I have been in psychotherapy for 22 years. I am also being discipled in my walk with the Lord, and have been for about 15 years.
God bless.
Trish
