Hello All

[Addy]

Hello,

I am Addy, I am have been with my husband for 11 years and married for 4. He is a non-believer. We have had our problems in the past. Now we are at a cross-roads when it comes to having children...

I have been patiently waiting for 4 years now and he still does not want to have children. I began to think that he was just stringing me along, so I left. After much talking, he said that he would have kids but they are not allowed to go to church and he does not want them to be labeled Christian. He said that I can teach them about God, and morals but he does not want them part of any organized religion.

I have no idea what to do with that... That would be like denying my faith, right.

Well at any rate, I need Prayer!!!

 

[AbidingInHim]

Hi Addy.

Welcome to UY section.

You might check out the running threads at the top. The check in thread is for fellowship. The intro to give you an idea about who we all are.

I might say, I would pray to the Lord to not give you childrent if they are not going to be saved. Pray for your child's salvation before any conception. And teach them from the beginning about God. If you lead a Godly life in front of them and lead them in the paths of righteousness when they are old they will not part from it. Church is a wonderful support for your teachings but not as neccessary as leading a Godly example.

It's like the school systems, people expect the schools to teach their children eevery thing but in reality, all thier education should begin with a firm foundation at home. When they are old enough, and ask to go, maybe he will relent or even be saved by that point, I would make sure though that he plans on watching them while you go though. If his Sundays he is compelled to be the babysitter, he might tire of it and relent, but I would not count on that.

Feel free to join us in fellowship, in your journey and struggles.


God Bless,
Roxanna

 

[Addy]

I got so fed up that I left. I have been away since Thanksgiving. I just could not spend another Holiday, not another year with these problems. Sigh. Everyone tells me I need to go back. But I feel like I can think much clearer away.

When we talk, all he wants to do is debate and cause confusion.

 

[AbidingInHim]

Addy, It sounds like your struggling with much more then just the children debate. May I ask where you are currently staying, do you have good support. Does your church have any kind of support?

 

[AbidingInHim]

Up above in the Recommended reads thread is a list of great Godly books and Bible studies that can help in your situation.

 

[AbidingInHim]

The first and most important thing I would say is focus on learning what God expects from us as wives. The power of a praying wife also comes to mind immediately as something that might offer you much needed guidance.

 

[AbidingInHim]

I have to go out and run some errands. I will check this thread later tonight. I will lift you up in prayers and others will also jump in here before the end of the day I"m sure.

There is no marriage that can't be saved if you are following Jesus' teachings. There is no Problem or difficculty that can't be worked out.

 

[Addy]

Im staying at a hotel.

I have been on constant prayer since I left. It has been nice and quite without him in my ear. I need to pray and try to hear from the Lord instead of debating and arguing.

 

[kayd1966]

Welcome to our little corner of CF Addy

It sounds like you are in quite a struggle and I am going to agree with Rox...its sounds like its more than just children.

How long have you been gone? Is he looking for you? Asking you to come home?

I am going to spend some time in prayer for you right now, then will post again.

God is faithful and He is walking through this with you...God Bless

 

[Addy]

We have been together for a long time. I think that his pretty selfish. He is comfortable and sees no need to change our life. When we got married, after 7 months of pre-marrital counseling, it was the same thing. Dragging thing out. The counseling was a big joke because half of what he said he has not kept to.

Just time and time of compromise on my part and dissapointment caught up to me and I just can not take it anymore.

Yes he called in the beginning but when I said that i do not agree about the children not being Christian, he cooled down.

I think he is stealing my joy.

 

[AbidingInHim]

Addy, I'm glad to see you poking around getting familiar with us.

I know you are under a lot of stress just now, but you need to look at this through the Biblical perspective and realize that you need to go back. We are told that we are not allowed to leave when we are unequally yoked, that we are bound to stay only if the spouse goes we should let them go.

I thin you need to let go of the children issue for a moment and focus on what God want of you right now.

May I ask when you were saved?

How much focus have you put on a woman's role as a wife according to the Bible?

The scripture I quoted you I will post in a minute, it's throughout these threads if you look.

 

[AbidingInHim]

Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband.
1Cr 7:11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.
1Cr 7:12 But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her.
1Cr 7:13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him.
1Cr 7:14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.
1Cr 7:15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace.
1Cr 7:16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?
1Cr 7:17 But as God has distributed to each one, as the Lord has called each one, so let him walk. And so I ordain in all the churches.

 

[AbidingInHim]

I believe God is calling on you to strengthen your walk with Him just now.

Don't argue back with him, when he says something that hurts or upsets you, begin to pray, you don't need to fall on the floor and make a production out of it, but just lean on the Lord.

If the discussion about children is too difficult to discuss rationally right now, try writing him a letter or even emailing him.

I'm still holding you in prayer.

 

[Addy]

I was saved when I was 14. Stopped going to church and came back to the church when I was around 34.

I think I will just follow this one for now:
1Cr 7:11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.

I'm not going to divorce him. I just need some space to think and hear from the Lord. Right now it is too distracting at home.

I see this as a test. If I agree, it is like loosing my soul. So I have to say no. I just can't be up under him right now. I mean he wont let me rest or have a complete thought.

I'm telling you, it is like spritual warefare. Pray for me. Although he does not practice, he has a Muslim background.

 

[AbidingInHim]

So let me understand better, you are at a stand off because you want them to be able to go to church and you feel if you give in now they won't be saved?

I think you need to really evaluate if you want to have children. You are called to obey your husband and he will consistently deny you permission to raise them in a Christian way, you should probably not make children an issue at all.

I guess in other words, unless he will give you free riegn and you are sure he will not go back on that, I would not have children.

He may not practice his religion now, but a person has a way of going back to thier roots so to speak, once they have children, I believe the battles would only become more arduous and heartbreaking, and in the end, you are called to obey.

Lifting you up in prayer to have clarity and wisdom in the matter.

If it makes you feel any better, I kind of know how you feel, I desperately want just one more child and had my tubes tied and so there is little hope.

 

[free4all]

Hi Addy,

Welcome to CF and the Unequally Yoked forum.

It sounds like you are in a difficult position. I've known of several ladies married to Moslems, and none of their lives are easy. I would not expect him to embrace Christianity. I would expect him to later forbid you to teach your children about Jesus Christ.

I'll share the thoughts that came to mind as I read your posts.

he said that he would have kids but they are not allowed to go to church and he does not want them to be labeled Christian.

For me, this would be a deal-breaker. I cannot fully put myself in your position or a mother's position, but as much as I can, I would not have children with a man who says this.

He said that I can teach them about God, and morals but he does not want them part of any organized religion.

Who's God, his? Allah, but not Jesus Christ?

And there will be many good, moral people who do not make it to heaven.

I got so fed up that I left. I have been away since Thanksgiving. I just could not spend another Holiday, not another year with these problems. Sigh. Everyone tells me I need to go back. But I feel like I can think much clearer away.

When we talk, all he wants to do is debate and cause confusion.

I understand the verses about a believer staying if the unbeliever wants. I also understand that it may become so bad that you feel you must leave. I understand that. If it is that bad, and your life is a living hell when you are there, and you are willing to not marry until he dies or abandons you, I believe this also can be Biblical obedience. I believe God is aware that there are times a believer is better to leave. I believe that's why Paul had that word for those believers who do leave. If you are willing to not divorce him, yet stay separated, I see that as obedience to God's word.

Only those who have been in truly difficult marriages can understand how bad they can be.

Personally, I would not live with a domineering Moslem under any circumstances. Period.

And I certainly wouldn't have children with one. I've seen too many instances where a Moslem man eventually takes the children back to a Moslem country without the mother. I've seen too many instances where the Moslem fights against any influence of Jesus Christ. It is a spiritual battle thousands of years old, and they are steeped in their blindness.

I would not live with a rigid Moslem. There is no peace in that. God has called us to peace.

I understand about you needing space and room, and not wanting to debate or argue.

I absolutely agree with you not wanting to live with him, even considering the Biblical passages.

I agree with you not seeking a divorce at this point. If you can live close enough where you can both attend counseling, that would show you making an effort. If he then leaves the country, I would consider that abandonment. Of course, I hope you are or will be speaking to a good Pastor about all this.

I only know a bit about your life, what you have told us here. I know about difficult marriages, constant arguments, and Moslem men.

I would not live with him if he would not be peaceful or respect my desire to serve the Lord.

I know you are in a tough spot. I understand you getting out if it is so bad. How are your finances? Can you do this indefinitely? Or do you need to look for an apartment?

God does not call us to live with unbelievers under all circumstances. How about an unbeliever who beats his wife? Does God expect a believing wife to stay under those situations? I doubt it. How about if an unbeliever is engaging in criminal activity that threatens the wife and children? I think the verses about staying with an unbeliever are a general rule, that apply to the vast majority. In my limited opinion, you may be one of the few exceptions. Paul makes allowances for exceptions, that you do not marry someone else.

Again, I only know a small bit of your life. But if it is as bad as you say, not only would I not have children with him, I would consider not returning until he participated in counseling and showed some tolerance for your beliefs.

Stand your ground, and maybe he will divorce or abandon you.

Unusual advice, and I don't think I've ever given anyone that advice. But if what you say is true, and he will give you no peace in your own home, I would consider living elsewhere.

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

Do not deny your faith in Jesus Christ. Stand strong. Let him be the one to divorce, if that's what he wants.

I pray for peace in your life.

Wayne

 

[kayd1966]

I haven't forgotten about you....I am praying for you.

 

[kanga22]

I believe that we don't choose when to have children or with whom. That's God's job. Afterall, he knows our name before we are born. He knows what our date of birth, and date of death will be. He knows every thought we will have. So, even though I don't think you should have children with this man, I don't believe that it's your decision.

You do have control over your actions. You have decided that you are better off seperated from your husband right now. I think that sounds completely reasonable. You have a chance to focus on your relationship with God. To figure out who you are and what you want/need. That's fantastic!

I lived with my dh for nine years before we were married. When we married I knew we were unequally-yoked, but didn't realize how very difficult it would be. But, that was nothing compared to the difficulties of having children with someone who doesn't share my beliefs.

I'm not sure what to advise you to do. I believe that much of it is in God's hands. My advice is for you to ask God what He would have you do. "In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:6. God bless.

 

[Addy]

Rox:
Yes, I am at a standoff because I want them to be able to go to church and know Jesus Christ. He is saying that I can teach them my morals and about God, but he does not want me to put a label on it. In other words he does not want me to say that Jesus said etc...
Also he does not want me to take them to church. He does not want them in organized religion. He said that if they decide to become Christians after he has no problem. But he wants them to be old enough to understand.
This is just breaking my heart. I have been waiting for 4 years to have children. I have been saving money for 4 years to have children. Next year I will be 40 and I know that I do not have much time. I am so close. This is why I feel this is a direct attack from the devil. The child is the carrot. Yes, I want it soooooo bad. And now this ultimatum. But I feel if I agree to this, it would be like denying God. It is some sort of trap or snare that I can not seem to get out of. As you know the devil is never direct. He works on your mind with little lies. I feel so weak. One part of me is trying to figure out how to compromise and find a way. The other part of me says to flee.
Right now I feel like I only have 2 choices. The first, is to tell him I am not in agreement with what he wants and that he can leave. The other is to give up my hopes of having children and stay with him. Both will cause me great sorrow and pain. I am thinking more about the former because I don't want to end up being bitter. Although I am sure that is just what the devil would love.

He does not practice Muslim faith. He thinks they are a bunch of crackpots and are as foolish as Christians.
Thank you for praying for me. Lord only knows I need every prayer that I can get, this is going to be a battle for sure.

 

[Addy]

Free:For me, this would be a deal-breaker....
***And this is the part that hurts so bad. Before we were married we went to premarital counseling. He said that he was not religious and that I could raise the children in my faith. He did not have a problem. And now he has done a 180.
I want to have kids so bad. I have been preparing for so long. I know this is a test. And a test that I must pass. But it is so hard. It is so near. I feel tempted. Tempted to lie to him, like he lied to me. Have the child and once it gets here just ignore his wishes and raise the child as I should.
You know when you get to these situations, you wonder, how did I get here. Well it is a long road of small lies. As you travel down this path taking on small deceits, like small vines. They cover you. But you don't worry for they are small. Finally, they overcome you, and stuck in your tracks and can not move. At that point to release yourself you much cut at the vines, but also doing injury to yourself.
I have come to realize that is how evil works. It does not hit you all at once. It is very subtle. You make concessions, you overlook thinks, you let things have more time. But all the while the vines are creeping and creating strongholds.
Free:It is a spiritual battle thousands of years old, and they are steeped in their blindness. If he then leaves the country...
Although he is not practicing any faith. Yes, this is a battle. I doubt if he leaves the country. He has been here since the age of 6. And yes, he also thinks that the ways of his country are stupid. He said he would never go back there as long as they are blinded by religion. He is now 35.
Free:How are your finances? Can you do this indefinitely? Or do you need to look for an apartment?

Financially, I am ok. Remember, I have been saving for 4 years. lol. Eventually, I need to think about what I want to do. The house is mine. I purchased it before we go married. I just need peace. Most of my pain is mental. There is always some problem that steals my joy. For the most part he is a gentle and sweet man. Until he want to start debating.
He does not beat me or abuse me in anyway. But what is happening now that I look back is something more sinister and subtle. He influences me in small ways. For example:
* keeps me just busy enough not to notice I am not giving that time to God.
eg - vacations, going out to dinner,
* when I go to church he says little things to show his disapproval.
In general, your spouse knows you the best. They know what buttons to push. They know how you get you to cave in. If Satan can not get to you. Please believe he will use others around you, to break you down.
I thank God that I found this forum. I have no family here. I am all alone. But I don't care. I am going to keep praying and stick to my guns and not give in. This is going to cut deep and hurt a lot, but did I not walk the path? I guess we are blinded until we get to certain point.
Right now I only have two choices if he insist:
1] no children and live with it
2] live apart and wait until he leaves me
Both fruitless paths in my mind at this time. But you never know what Glory God has in store for you.
Please keep me in your prayers.