Thank you for accepting me into the group, I literally have no one else I can reach out too, and feel my life has been turned upside down. Im typing this after another night of no sleep and I’m in desperate need of advice, and Biblical guidance.
Apologies in advance as the backstory will be long.
I’ve been married for 14 years, and we had problems with our intimate time from the beginning. DH is very anxious type of person, so I put it down to nerves with us being inexperienced newlyweds. As time went on, I tried absolutely everything to relax him, and be a good wife. Nothing changed, and he didn’t seem that interested, or seem to have that ‘need’ /desire for intimacy as I expected. He would oblige if I initiated, but something felt off.
Through conversations, I learnt he prefers much much larger breasts, compared to mine. He then claimed he likes mine, just has a preference. I asked if this is why we rarely have sex , and he said not at all, just sharing preference. He said if he suddenly had a fit body/six pack, wouldn’t I get turned on more easily? In the same way, bigger breast is more feminine and that’s his preference.
I of course was hurt & confused, but didn’t know what to say as on one hand he said he likes me, but at the same time he never seem to have that ‘need’ for intimacy like a husband surely should.
I never felt at peace so one day asked, what is the problem? Why doesn’t he want intimacy? After I wouldn’t stop asking, he finally brought it back to the breast size issue again. He said he went to his pastor before marriage asking him if my lack of breast size would cause an issue in the bedroom. The pastor told him not to be silly. My husband thought to himself not to be so shallow, and married me. Anyway turns out he was never satisfied with me after all.
At first I was in shock, feeling stuck and tricked into this marriage. After a few days, he said no no he does like me. He didn’t know why he asked his pastor that. He said I kept asking, so felt he had to bring up something.
I never fully understood his answer, and still felt things didn’t add up. After about a decade going round in circles about our lack of intimacy life (average 7 times a year), he started to show more interest. It was still very infrequent, but he started to initiate and seemed less anxious. I thought maybe he’s finally maturing, the breast size isn’t an issue. I thought we are finally getting to a better place now as he seems not anxious in the slightest, and happy to have intimacy although sometimes didn’t seem super turned on. I put that down to tiredness due to season of life we are in.
Well to my absolute shock I found a picture of a naked woman’s very large breast on his photos last week downloaded from DuckDuckGo. My mind took me back to 7 years ago when a live chat pop up came up on his laptop. I asked him what that was, and he said must be a dodgy link from a music forum. I never saw it again, so believed him. I felt to not say anything and to see what happens. We are always open about everything, and thought we were super close, eachothers best friends. The only issue we always had is the lack of intimacy. I was shocked, but couldn’t accept he would lie to me. I checked his phone next day, and saw he typed up ‘why has photos I deleted reappeared on recent photos’.
Waves of shock hit me. I couldn’t believe what I was reading, and i knew then it was intentional. I decided to do digging rather than confront.
The very next evening I found the app DuckDuckGo, saw on screen time he was on it with 17+ content rating, and if it can’t any worse typed, ‘freechatnow’. No idea what it was , I found out it seems to be a sex talk/nude photo and video exchange forum. He deleted all evidence, and DuckDuckGo app by the next morning.
The following day saw another photo of a naked woman possibly from a porn site. He is always glued to his phone so very difficult for me to look. He still doesn’t know I found out.
It’s been a week of no sleep, and my mind can’t believe this is real. I’ve got small children who I homeschool, and no way to support myself. I just don’t understand how a Bible believing Christian who prays with me, reads the Word … hears from the Lord can then do all this behind my back for goodness how long. He is known to be the kindest, most empathetic man, I thought very honest…. We are open to each other about absolutely everything. I’m still shaking with disbelief, and can’t stop crying when he’s not around.
Has anyone experienced this? Any advice? I’m trying to look on his phone to see if I could find anything else, but not sure how much longer I can hang on without loosing my mind. The one person who I go to for hugs, to make me feel better is the person who is doing this to me. Any prayers, and Godly advice is most welcome.
Apologies in advance as the backstory will be long.
I’ve been married for 14 years, and we had problems with our intimate time from the beginning. DH is very anxious type of person, so I put it down to nerves with us being inexperienced newlyweds. As time went on, I tried absolutely everything to relax him, and be a good wife. Nothing changed, and he didn’t seem that interested, or seem to have that ‘need’ /desire for intimacy as I expected. He would oblige if I initiated, but something felt off.
Through conversations, I learnt he prefers much much larger breasts, compared to mine. He then claimed he likes mine, just has a preference. I asked if this is why we rarely have sex , and he said not at all, just sharing preference. He said if he suddenly had a fit body/six pack, wouldn’t I get turned on more easily? In the same way, bigger breast is more feminine and that’s his preference.
I of course was hurt & confused, but didn’t know what to say as on one hand he said he likes me, but at the same time he never seem to have that ‘need’ for intimacy like a husband surely should.
I never felt at peace so one day asked, what is the problem? Why doesn’t he want intimacy? After I wouldn’t stop asking, he finally brought it back to the breast size issue again. He said he went to his pastor before marriage asking him if my lack of breast size would cause an issue in the bedroom. The pastor told him not to be silly. My husband thought to himself not to be so shallow, and married me. Anyway turns out he was never satisfied with me after all.
At first I was in shock, feeling stuck and tricked into this marriage. After a few days, he said no no he does like me. He didn’t know why he asked his pastor that. He said I kept asking, so felt he had to bring up something.
I never fully understood his answer, and still felt things didn’t add up. After about a decade going round in circles about our lack of intimacy life (average 7 times a year), he started to show more interest. It was still very infrequent, but he started to initiate and seemed less anxious. I thought maybe he’s finally maturing, the breast size isn’t an issue. I thought we are finally getting to a better place now as he seems not anxious in the slightest, and happy to have intimacy although sometimes didn’t seem super turned on. I put that down to tiredness due to season of life we are in.
Well to my absolute shock I found a picture of a naked woman’s very large breast on his photos last week downloaded from DuckDuckGo. My mind took me back to 7 years ago when a live chat pop up came up on his laptop. I asked him what that was, and he said must be a dodgy link from a music forum. I never saw it again, so believed him. I felt to not say anything and to see what happens. We are always open about everything, and thought we were super close, eachothers best friends. The only issue we always had is the lack of intimacy. I was shocked, but couldn’t accept he would lie to me. I checked his phone next day, and saw he typed up ‘why has photos I deleted reappeared on recent photos’.
Waves of shock hit me. I couldn’t believe what I was reading, and i knew then it was intentional. I decided to do digging rather than confront.
The very next evening I found the app DuckDuckGo, saw on screen time he was on it with 17+ content rating, and if it can’t any worse typed, ‘freechatnow’. No idea what it was , I found out it seems to be a sex talk/nude photo and video exchange forum. He deleted all evidence, and DuckDuckGo app by the next morning.
The following day saw another photo of a naked woman possibly from a porn site. He is always glued to his phone so very difficult for me to look. He still doesn’t know I found out.
It’s been a week of no sleep, and my mind can’t believe this is real. I’ve got small children who I homeschool, and no way to support myself. I just don’t understand how a Bible believing Christian who prays with me, reads the Word … hears from the Lord can then do all this behind my back for goodness how long. He is known to be the kindest, most empathetic man, I thought very honest…. We are open to each other about absolutely everything. I’m still shaking with disbelief, and can’t stop crying when he’s not around.
Has anyone experienced this? Any advice? I’m trying to look on his phone to see if I could find anything else, but not sure how much longer I can hang on without loosing my mind. The one person who I go to for hugs, to make me feel better is the person who is doing this to me. Any prayers, and Godly advice is most welcome.
