Healthy LDR ?

[ka393]

Iam in a long distance relationship and Iam completely inlove with him and relationship was going great until this weekend.. Its already hard with the whole distance thing but we deal with it and get through it, he is a great guy and I can say he is the one..and he feels the same way..we even got to talk about the future and the possibility of alot of things us togather..

Only thing that kind of ruins all the good things ..is ofcourse arguments or fights. I know there is no relationship that exists without fights and I know that its an experience that has to happen so it can teach us. We dont argue alot..we end up having small arguments ( dont like to call them fights) like once or twice in a while.However, I think I've been overreacting about little things and got him to start getting sick of me in a way..when I act that way and get mad at him for something he did or didnt do. For example, every weekend its like our long nights to talk until mornings (not supposedly but it happens alot) and tonight he was very tired and he told me that by a text. I wasnt very happy coz I was excited to talk to him tonight and stuff, and I tried to understand that tonight i wont have the time to talk with him and such. What bothered me was him not calling and careing to hear my voice before him going to sleep and to tell me goodnight and that he loves me and actually say it instead only on texts. That made me mad and I started thinking that he doesnt love me as much as I do..because I wouldnt be able to sleep one night without hearing his voice (we talk in the mornings as well)..and specially that we are in LDR..its not like we see each other everyday and hang out.

After few texts back and forth and kind of arguing about why iam mad and I shouldnt coz he wanted to sleep. He tells me that he is getting sick of how I do things and how I accuse him of not doing this or that. I agree with him..maybe it was wrong of me to be acting like that specially knowing he was tired coz he had to wake up early and did alot of things, but I couldnt help it feeling not loved as much as before from him and felt like I do more and would do more if I was in his situation just coz I care and love him more than anything...

I end up calling him and we talk for few mins...he was quiet coz he was too tired to even think right about what was going on, and we were both tired of how things were going. Tired of him not caring as much and making me feel like that and him being tired of how I react over things and should be more understanding..but he still loves me and nothing changed..which was good to know..but now I feel like he is sick of me in a way..and not sure what to do here. Tonight I felt like I was almost losing him and I knew deep down it wouldnt happen..because he wouldnt break it off and Iam not worried about that..but the feeling of him being tired and he might not want to talk for sometime or whatever he decides on..is what scares me. Its like the relationship now is a little bit damaged and I never wanted it to be...never wanted it to get even close to that..

I know we should not talk every single day and give ourselves a space. A day or two for ourselves and away from each other and that might help, but what else I or we can do to have a healthy relationship and never have to deal with these kind of things and feel that way again towards each other? I dont want to lose him..and I dont want to lose what we have. Girls and guys , any advice on whats best to do to have and keep relationship healthy and kind of avoid these or any arguments?

Thanks all.

 

[IndomitableAmy]

It's an unreasonable expectation that it's possible to "never have to deal with these kind of things and feel that way again towards each other". If you two stay together, you're not going to get that. You will get hurt, he will get hurt, and sometimes both those together. That's not, in itself, a sign of a less than healthy relationship.

"the feeling of him being tired and he might not want to talk for sometime or whatever he decides on..is what scares me."

So.. he was tired one night, thought he'd just go to bed, and sent you a message telling you this. And for that you're scared. As far as I can tell, this happened one time.. and you know it's basically legitimate, I mean, he was really tired. Maybe, just maybe, he didn't know how important it was to you? Not necessarily something to be scared over.

It is a good thing to remember that he isn't you. If he does things you think show love differently or less often than you would, that doesn't mean he loves you less.. he isn't you, he's not going to act like you, he's not going to think like you. You can just talk to him about these things. Better than arguing.

Um, I also wonder if you have boundaries for relationships.. what's not allowed but can be worked out and what's not allowed and would dissolve any amorous relationship. If nothing else, those are necessary to ensure a relationship doesn't get too unhealthy.

The perfect relationship is like a frictionless surface, a Newtonian fluid, or an ideal gas.. It doesn't exist, the world does not work that way. But if you know that, if you know why your experiments work just fine on paper (or in your head) but fail in practice, then you can see there's no reason to freak out unless it goes horribly wrong.

My boyfriend and I talk at least (and usually) once a day, generally at night. And our (LD) relationship has been going over two years. Seems talking every day does not, in itself, ensure failure. *shrug*

 

[ka393]

What you said makes sense and we've been talking everyday for a very long time and nothing happened, but it was something that I thought could or would be a reason. After all I think I will give him his space and I will have mine and talk the other days, this way at least it wouldnt be too much. We talked about it before and he didnt mind talking everyday but I think its best to decide on giving ourselves time away from anything that has to do with us.

 

[puddleoffaith]

I think you guys talk to each other waaaay too much. Spending too much time on the phone with one person can be enough to make anyone annoyed/grouchy. I know that even during LDRs, I keep phone calls to half an hour and emails to once a week. You need to have a life besides each other.
I realize that this is much less time than a normal relationship but that's only natural. When you live closeby with someone, you don't spend all of your time together alone-you spend lots of it with friends, going to church, going to dances/parties, etc. You two have spent a LOT of "alone time" together and your bound to run into some arguments.
Also, guys in general have different brains than us girls. Be very specific about what's important to you and how he can help achieve those things.

 

[alfrodull]

It's easy to have insecurities about being in an LDR. I know how an evening where he can't call you can go from "What if I said something that hurt him?" to "What if he doesn't love me anymore?" to "What if he's actually got six other women and forgot about me?" to "What if he's lying dead somewhere after one of his six other psychotic girlfriends found out about us?!"

Of course, it's really just that he fell asleep or can't find his cell phone. What it boils down to is that you have to trust. Everyone (yourself included, I'm sure) gets tired or misplaces their phone or makes mistakes at one point or another, and it's by no means a sign that a person has suddenly fallen out of love. It seems like such an obvious thing, but it's hard to see clearly sometimes. Like Amy said, there's no perfect relationship. Ups and downs will happen, whether you're together or thousands of miles away.

The fact that you want to spend LESS time together while already being long distance does not bode well to me. Communicating less does not solve problems (unless you're checking up on him so often that he literally has no privacy or personal life.) It merely lets you ignore them. I hope everything works out for the best.

 

[FOG]

I have an idea; tell him what you've told us, ask him the same questions your asking us.

I've gone through something VERY similar. I'm in an LDR - we've been together for 2 yrs 3 months, and about 3 months of it has been LDR. The past month, though, she moved off to college. She's had lots of homework, and she's got a crazy hectic schedule. We usually talk an average of an hour a day (some days only 30 minutes, some days closer to two hours, usually on weekends). However, especially while she was getting used to her schedule (and me to mine) there were days that we just weren't able to talk.

It hurts, i know. We talked about it, I shared all my feelings and she shared hers. even the "awkward" ones - about trust and stuff. yet our relationship is just stronger for it. we've worked together, and now the level of trust in our relationship has been taken up a notch. plus, i've learned to be less self centered as i reminded myself that I had done the same thing to her plenty of times - it's not something meant to hurt the other, it's just life.

sorry for the huge wall of text, but like the others said, it takes trust. i don't think you need to drop daily talk time - but you need to learn to be more flexible and realize that it may not happen 100% of the time, and you have to trust them. talk about it with him. the "tough conversations" will make your relationship stronger for the future.

 

[K9_Trainer]

To be honest I do think you over reacted a bit. It was nothing you did that made him not want to call you that night, he was tired. It wasn't meant to be taken personally.

When your in a relationship, there are going to be things about him or things he does that just bug you. But before you confront him or raise a fuss about it, you have to ask yourself basically two main things: Is it really that big of a deal? Will bringing it up even do any good? If you answer no to either of those or both, then it's probably best just to leave it.

It's one of those pick your battles type things. Arguing over little things that essentially don't matter will get your relationship no where; it'll only create a strain.

And yes, LDR's bring up a lot of insecurities and if you an insecure person to begin with, it's extremely difficult. Like said a few times above though, it's all about trust. Your man has told you he loves you, don't forget that. He may not call you some nights because he's tired, but it's not because he doesn't love you. He may cut conversations short because he needs to go to bed, but it's not because he doesn't love you. And I'm sure at one point, he'll decide to do something else instead of talking to you.....Yeah, that'll annoy you, it'll annoy any girl, but it still doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Just take it in stride....He's a guy, he's bound to do things like that.

 

[Blank123]

okay let me preface what i'm about to say by telling you i'm also in an LDR and have been for over 2 years. i know exactly what its like to not get to see the person you love all the time or how hard it is not to hear his voice all the time.

that being said i do think you need to let him have his space and back off a little bit. talking once a day is great, if both people are in the mood to talk (and one or both not feeling like talking isn't a sign that any interest is being lost on either side, thats important to keep in mind) talking twice a day i think might be pushing it, and it sounds like your bf is feeling like its too much. There's nothing wrong with texting or IMing or emailing in place of that second phone call (just don't go too overboard of course) and use the extra time for yourself. Go do some devotional, or work on a hobby, or homework, or take a class, or do something thats just for you. and develop a little more of a life for yourself outside your boyfriend to learn how to be more secure in yourself rather than take so much validation from how much your boyfriend does or doesn't talk to you.

 

[HisLittleHazelnut]

I have been in an LDR for about 4 years now, and we do talk an hour a day, pretty much every day. Neither of us would have it any other way.

We also don't even have little squabbles except maybe once every six months or so at this point.

 

[JesusFreak2008]

LDR's stink, and sometimes it might not even be love, it may be what you call infatuation. I had this with Dustin, and am now going through hell realizing that I need to focus on myself..

good luck with the LDR thing..

 

[ka393]

Thanks all , It got solved and Now we made plans to give our selves time for ourselves and talk for as much as we want on the other days. Things are going good =) thanks all for your help.

 

[ka393]

Two posts, my bad.

 

[Blank123]

awesome