Healing after a Christian breakup. Your story

[fmarc]

Hi everyone,

This will be my first post. I'm really glad I found this site!

Exactly two months ago, my then boyfriend broke up with me after 4.5 years together. I am 27...I am still hurt and in the healing process. I was with him through stage 3 cancer, through his unemployment, through him going to jail (I bailed him out, etc.). I did so much for him because I loved him. The problem was, I loved him more than I did God.

The breakup has caused me to seek God first and I am forever grateful of that. The hard part is seeing my ex at church. I am there for God but going to a church with less than 50 members per week - I see the dude and can't avoid him. My human emotions get riled up. Sundays are the best and hardest days right now.

We were not doing things right. Because of his cancer, he had absolutely nowhere to go and no money so he lived with me. He then went to a Christian university and when he broke up with me, he met a new girl while still living in my house. I had him move last week. What makes it hard is he wants to bring the new girl to church too. I am all for people going to church...it would just suck even more at this time to see him and her at a place I love so dearly (my safe-haven).

My ex has been acting differently lately. He is not his usual lively self. In turn, I've grown quite a bit in the last two months and hopefully will continue to grow.

I do need advice on how to deal with him at church and in the near future, the new woman too.

I've been reading and taking biblical courses everyday for the last couple of months (more so now than ever). I still find Sundays hard. I pray about it. I ask God. I read. This is very hard and hurts very much... I figure the answer is really to just give to our Lord.

I suppose I need encouragement or maybe stories from others that have been through something similar. I'm hopeful I will meet a Christian man...sometimes I am hopeful we will get back together but I'm still very hurt and I don't want to think this.

Any one have stories?

 

[Nanopants]

Hi everyone,

This will be my first post. I'm really glad I found this site!

Exactly two months ago, my then boyfriend broke up with me after 4.5 years together. I am 27...I am still hurt and in the healing process. I was with him through stage 3 cancer, through his unemployment, through him going to jail (I bailed him out, etc.). I did so much for him because I loved him. The problem was, I loved him more than I did God.

Ok, pause right there. This is what God says on the subject:

"Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends."

Loving God leads us to putting others' needs first. Note that it does not say loving others leads to making foolish decisions or consenting to being used by others whose motives are not right, in the name of love. We're not super human though, we can make mistakes and be in need of getting out of situations, so while you may need to get out of that situation, if your experience is leading you to walk away from the God of the Bible under the guise of loving God more, how is that good? What other people do, no matter how terrible, warrants a redefinition of God or of the message of the Gospel.

The breakup has caused me to seek God first and I am forever grateful of that. The hard part is seeing my ex at church. I am there for God but going to a church with less than 50 members per week - I see the dude and can't avoid him. My human emotions get riled up. Sundays are the best and hardest days right now.

We were not doing things right. Because of his cancer, he had absolutely nowhere to go and no money so he lived with me. He then went to a Christian university and when he broke up with me, he met a new girl while still living in my house. I had him move last week. What makes it hard is he wants to bring the new girl to church too. I am all for people going to church...it would just suck even more at this time to see him and her at a place I love so dearly (my safe-haven).

My ex has been acting differently lately. He is not his usual lively self. In turn, I've grown quite a bit in the last two months and hopefully will continue to grow.

I do need advice on how to deal with him at church and in the near future, the new woman too.

I've been reading and taking biblical courses everyday for the last couple of months (more so now than ever). I still find Sundays hard. I pray about it. I ask God. I read. This is very hard and hurts very much... I figure the answer is really to just give to our Lord.

I suppose I need encouragement or maybe stories from others that have been through something similar. I'm hopeful I will meet a Christian man...sometimes I am hopeful we will get back together but I'm still very hurt and I don't want to think this.

Any one have stories?

It sounds like you were used by someone whose motives weren't right (Judas comes to mind, and there's no indication that Christ laid down His life for him). I'm sorry to hear that, and that's a tough situation, but two lefts don't make a right. I'd say get out of that church if you have to and go somewhere new. Staying with a single church isn't a bigger deal than protecting yourself from the environment in that church, and there are plenty of others.

Healing is always difficult. I wish you the best.

 

[Bobthemotorcycle]

.

 

[colorblindlover]

I agree that you don't have to stay at that church, especially given the fact that your ex was so insensitive. Of course, if you feel like the stress of moving to a new church would only exacerbate the pain right now... wait a little and see how you feel.

My ex had a past life that he didn't really share with me or even know much about himself. He found out, one month into our relationship, that he had a young child out of wedlock. This, in and of itself, did not upset me. However, the way he dealt with our relationship after he found out was upsetting.

He kept getting worse and worse at communicating with me to the point where he wouldn't even tell me he had a headache one day when I assumed he was upset at me. He wanted to "fast" from me, which basically meant he didn't want me to talk to him for three days. It hurt. I thought, I'll give him some space to deal with it, and we'll get through this. He kept asking me if this was too much for me to deal with. He said he didn't want to burden me. I told him, honestly, that even though it was tough that I wanted to work through it with him.

A month went by and we stopped holding hands and he told me we were hanging out too much (we saw each other once a week at best, and texted at least once a day). Then he wanted to "Fast" from me again. This time he said he didn't know how long. Near the end of his "fast", I texted him and said we needed to sort out our relationship.

At that point, in my heart, I'd already started to break up with him. I understood that he was having a tough time, but it was like he was taking it out on me instead of asking me for help in dealing with it. I felt rejected. Over the course of a weekend, I told him I thought it was best if we break up. He agreed.

We made the mistake of texting a lot during the month after we broke up and telling each other we were sorry a lot (in detail, and crying over our text messages). Instead of a clean break, we dragged it out unintentionally by saying we'd be there for each other in the middle of our pain.

About that time, I went to see a counselor at my school. For 8 weeks I talked to her about the break up and she really helped me see a lot of mistakes I had made during the breakup. She also encouraged me to get rid of all the reminders I was keeping of him (letters, gifts, etc.) Once I got rid of the stuff, I felt so much better. Now, almost 2 years later, I no longer miss him or regret the breakup (even though it was my decision).

A breakup is a mild form of grief. Look up symptoms of grieving and note that not everyone experiences it in the same way. You will feel sad on certain days and happy on others. Sometimes you just can't help but cry and remember the good times. Eventually, over time, the intensity weakens. You will start to be open to seeing someone new. You will look back and see how the breakup was good for you in ways. Eventually, you won't have moments when you can't imagine life without that person.

Right now, it's hard to imagine moving on. It seems harder than what you think you can bear. But just know that God is your comforter and if you need someone to talk to, find a trusted friend or mentor to express your feelings to. Someone who won't judge you and who is less involved in the situation ( for example don't just talk to your mom if you know she will be biased).

I hope this helps. I know breakups are never easy... but that's normal what you're feeling. It will pass and all will be well.

 

[SnowyMacie]

Hi everyone,

This will be my first post. I'm really glad I found this site!

Exactly two months ago, my then boyfriend broke up with me after 4.5 years together. I am 27...I am still hurt and in the healing process. I was with him through stage 3 cancer, through his unemployment, through him going to jail (I bailed him out, etc.). I did so much for him because I loved him. The problem was, I loved him more than I did God.

The breakup has caused me to seek God first and I am forever grateful of that. The hard part is seeing my ex at church. I am there for God but going to a church with less than 50 members per week - I see the dude and can't avoid him. My human emotions get riled up. Sundays are the best and hardest days right now.

We were not doing things right. Because of his cancer, he had absolutely nowhere to go and no money so he lived with me. He then went to a Christian university and when he broke up with me, he met a new girl while still living in my house. I had him move last week. What makes it hard is he wants to bring the new girl to church too. I am all for people going to church...it would just suck even more at this time to see him and her at a place I love so dearly (my safe-haven).

My ex has been acting differently lately. He is not his usual lively self. In turn, I've grown quite a bit in the last two months and hopefully will continue to grow.

I do need advice on how to deal with him at church and in the near future, the new woman too.

I've been reading and taking biblical courses everyday for the last couple of months (more so now than ever). I still find Sundays hard. I pray about it. I ask God. I read. This is very hard and hurts very much... I figure the answer is really to just give to our Lord.

I suppose I need encouragement or maybe stories from others that have been through something similar. I'm hopeful I will meet a Christian man...sometimes I am hopeful we will get back together but I'm still very hurt and I don't want to think this.

Any one have stories?

For my sophomore and junior years of high school, I went to a Charismatic and fundamentalist school. We were told it was "non-denominational". Anyway, there was this girl that I fell for fairly quickly. She was incredibly beautiful, intelligent, and a great personality. While I thought she was this great girl, no other guys really showed any interest in her, and do this day I still can't figure out why. Eventually we started talking more, and I ended up asking her to homecoming my junior year and she said yes. After that, our relationship started to look much more like a dating relationship, and by January we were officially a couple. We were a great couple, even other people at our school were excited we were dating. Things went along super great until March.

So, anyway, her and I got along well. However, at this school, I had a very negative reputation of not being a Christian because I didn't believe in Dispensationalism. According to them, was worse than simply not being Christian because I was someone who claimed to be a Christian but denied the Bible. I was sort of a "wolf in sheep's clothing." Her dad knew that, but never made the connection under after my junior prom when another mom said to her mom "you know your daughter's boyfriend is that one boy". When he did make the connection, he set her up on another date. According to her, during that conversation, she told him that she knew and part of the reason she was dating me was to bring me back to Christ. Regardless, I only found this out through her friends during this awkward stage where we weren't really dating, but still were. We ended it, and she was mad at me for getting mad at her.

It took a very long time to get over her, and I really wasn't in a very good place for a long time. I left the school for other reasons, but I couldn't leave the image of us behind. In fact, I don't think I was completely over her until college. Also, I think I've said something to this affect before, but I think that the emotional place the break up put me in helped lead me to losing my virginity about six months later to a girl I barely knew.

 

[JojotheBeloved]

Hi everyone,

This will be my first post. I'm really glad I found this site!

Exactly two months ago, my then boyfriend broke up with me after 4.5 years together. I am 27...I am still hurt and in the healing process. I was with him through stage 3 cancer, through his unemployment, through him going to jail (I bailed him out, etc.). I did so much for him because I loved him. The problem was, I loved him more than I did God.

The breakup has caused me to seek God first and I am forever grateful of that. The hard part is seeing my ex at church. I am there for God but going to a church with less than 50 members per week - I see the dude and can't avoid him. My human emotions get riled up. Sundays are the best and hardest days right now.

We were not doing things right. Because of his cancer, he had absolutely nowhere to go and no money so he lived with me. He then went to a Christian university and when he broke up with me, he met a new girl while still living in my house. I had him move last week. What makes it hard is he wants to bring the new girl to church too. I am all for people going to church...it would just suck even more at this time to see him and her at a place I love so dearly (my safe-haven).

My ex has been acting differently lately. He is not his usual lively self. In turn, I've grown quite a bit in the last two months and hopefully will continue to grow.

I do need advice on how to deal with him at church and in the near future, the new woman too.

I've been reading and taking biblical courses everyday for the last couple of months (more so now than ever). I still find Sundays hard. I pray about it. I ask God. I read. This is very hard and hurts very much... I figure the answer is really to just give to our Lord.

I suppose I need encouragement or maybe stories from others that have been through something similar. I'm hopeful I will meet a Christian man...sometimes I am hopeful we will get back together but I'm still very hurt and I don't want to think this.

Any one have stories?

Yes, I have a break-up story. I dated someone for a while that I had to see all the time after we broke up. We went to a Christian college together, and since we had gone to high school together we had a lot of the same friends, went to the same church service, and had some of the same classes too. He started dating my roommate. It really hurt to see them around campus together all the time and know that we weren't friends anymore and that they had gone behind my back about their feelings toward me and each other (yeah, that was why we broke up - his interest transferred from me to her and he never had the courage to break up with me either... she had to tell me they were dating before I ended all contact with him). It was really difficult to have to see them all the time.

The only advice I could offer regarding such a situation is try not to intentionally put yourself in places you know he'll be. Try not to focus on him even when you are in the same room. Try to pretend they aren't even there. Honestly, it takes time for wounds to heal. And sometimes it takes time away to get over someone. For me, I did some healing by guarding my own thinking and behavior regarding the ex and his new gf. I was civil when I had to speak to them, and I didn't hide from them, but I didn't intentionally put myself in places where I knew it would get to me either. That only did so much though. I was more fully able to heal when both of them went off campus for a year in mission work and I was on campus by myself. During that year, I also intentionally made new friends that weren't a part of our high school group. So you may have to go to a different church for a while or do whatever you feel you have to do to get space away to heal.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

 

[ReesePiece23]

I loved him more than I did God.

I could be wrong, but...

The love between you and God is entirely different to the love between you and your ex. It's like saying you love your ex more than your father - how can that possibly be? The two aren't even equal.

If you were literally worshipping him, praying to him, living life through him, and fasting for him, then yes, you loved your ex more than God.

As for the post, I'm not sure how much I can help, as I've always had a very good moving on capability - so I don't tend to dwell on things for too long. But I do know that heartbreak is an excellent motivation tool to improve your own life and to better yourself.

No distractions, no ties, just you and your goals, with all the time in the world to achieve them. Find out what it's like to love life from the heart, rather than a man.

Maybe this now, is God's way of nudging you into that direction.

 

[Messy]

I could be wrong, but...

The love between you and God is entirely different to the love between you and your ex. It's like saying you love your ex more than your father - how can that possibly be? The two aren't even equal.

Of course it's possible, otherwise Jesus wouldn't say you're not worthy of Him if you love your family or a spouse more than Him. If you love someone more than Him, value human love above His Love, you compromise. Loving Him is keeping His Word. I loved men more than Him. I had to have a man, also if that meant compromising, giving in when he wanted sex before marriage because otherwise he wouldn't want me.
Or giving a guy all your time, no time to pray anymore: idolatry.

 

[Nanopants]

But, then Paul also said some not-so-nice things about people who abandon families, and Christ would have contradicted Himself with the bit on no greater love than laying down one's life for his friends, and His new commandment to love one another as He loved us.

Here's how I make sense of it: the bit about loving Him more than family is more difficult to understand, because it is situational. He came to "bring a sword" and to divide households. But why were they being divided? Well, we know that some people were rejecting Him and His message, and the Father through Him. In that context, to side with one's spouse who rejected Him (and rather violently I think is important here) would be to remain friends with His enemies, which would be to become an enemy of God. The story about Lot and his wife is similar.

 

[SarahsKnight]

So, anyway, her and I got along well. However, at this school, I had a very negative reputation of not being a Christian because I didn't believe in Dispensationalism. According to them, was worse than simply not being Christian because I was someone who claimed to be a Christian but denied the Bible. I was sort of a "wolf in sheep's clothing." Her dad knew that, but never made the connection under after my junior prom when another mom said to her mom "you know your daughter's boyfriend is that one boy". When he did make the connection, he set her up on another date. According to her, during that conversation, she told him that she knew and part of the reason she was dating me was to bring me back to Christ. Regardless, I only found this out through her friends during this awkward stage where we weren't really dating, but still were. We ended it, and she was mad at me for getting mad at her.

It took a very long time to get over her, and I really wasn't in a very good place for a long time. I left the school for other reasons, but I couldn't leave the image of us behind. In fact, I don't think I was completely over her until college. Also, I think I've said something to this affect before, but I think that the emotional place the break up put me in helped lead me to losing my virginity about six months later to a girl I barely knew.

Dude, that's messed up. "Bringing you back to Christ" just because you didn't adhere to dispensationalism? I'm sorry things turned out that way.

 

[SnowyMacie]

Dude, that's messed up. "Bringing you back to Christ" just because you didn't adhere to dispensationalism? I'm sorry things turned out that way.

I think it was more out of trying to convince her dad to not break us up. While most students knew, my bad reputation was more among the parents than other kids. She did believe in Dispensationalism like everyone else (I wouldn't be surprised if others agreed with me, but just didn't voice it). On the other hand, If one of the reasons she was dating me was due to that, then I'm glad it ended. I'm inclined to believe the first because none of my friends really cared, plus her friend reached out to me, I didn't say "what's up with her?". I wasn't at the school much longer after that, but I don't really think anyone supported her actions.

 

[fmarc]

Thank you everyone for the support. This is my first real breakup and it has been VERY hard. I still stay at my church because my pastor's wife is my mentor. So...what makes this situation even more difficult is I see him at church twice a week AND I'm going to the same university he's going to this August. This is also where his new girl goes. Yeah...and since we loved the same places like restaurants (because we have similar cultural backgrounds), I've seen him twice already in the last month. I ended up seeing his mom too who spoke to me for three hours at a bookstore and crying that we broke up. Yeah...not easy at all but all in all, I'm doing better than what people would expect. Thank you, Jesus! =]

 

[fmarc]

Instead if dwelling on the pain and betrayal and hurt, I'm flipping this around and more and more I'm trying to see this as an opportunity to focus in school (a top Christian apologetics university), know God more, practice being more Christ-like (or rather, more like Paul as he is imperfect such as myself) and just DO God. I mean, that's a pretty awesome trade-off. I am still hurt, I still get nightmares and wake up in the middle of the night. I'm hoping less and less as time goes on. I'm praying on that! It's been three months now. He's moved on with his rebound chick. I just can't let him take over my mind and heart anymore. I've been depressed. I lost 10 lbs on an already petite frame. Two weeks I started eating again and today I'm going to work out and lift weights. Got to move! God is too great for me to waste my time dwelling on the past when I can take care of myself to better do His work. =]

 

[sundewgrower]

Instead if dwelling on the pain and betrayal and hurt, I'm flipping this around and more and more I'm trying to see this as an opportunity to focus in school (a top Christian apologetics university), know God more, practice being more Christ-like (or rather, more like Paul as he is imperfect such as myself) and just DO God. I mean, that's a pretty awesome trade-off. I am still hurt, I still get nightmares and wake up in the middle of the night. I'm hoping less and less as time goes on. I'm praying on that! It's been three months now. He's moved on with his rebound chick. I just can't let him take over my mind and heart anymore. I've been depressed. I lost 10 lbs on an already petite frame. Two weeks I started eating again and today I'm going to work out and lift weights. Got to move! God is too great for me to waste my time dwelling on the past when I can take care of myself to better do His work. =]

I have never been in your situation before but I remember reading this thread a while ago. Unfortunately, as you know thinking about it never helps, and by doing so you'll be your worse enemy.
I'm glad you're pressing through it, and are trying to move on.
God does work in strange ways. For instance I'd like to start my life (work is about it, no good churches, and etc) but I'm stuck in a holding cell almost and although I don't like it it's helping me.
Hopefully you can look back, and someday realize it helped you out in the long run even though you're stuck pushing through this until it melts away.


Ah and my story. No breakup, no dates, nor interest for many years since this place is a barren rock.
Just a beautiful girl I knew in person and the sort of met again years later online.
She really wanted to know if it'd work after a month of lots of communication/catching up and although the logistics were a stretch what she said was a surprise..
So she got the courage to ask her Mom, and a good part of why she said no is because I'm 1/8 Jewish.
That burned rather nicely, and if that's the first time then even though it seems pathetic it'll burn for a good while.
With that, it sort of created an ensued depression, and I kept looking for somebody to just speak to that was decent.
So months went by, and it took 8 months to make a full circle but I'm very happy it happened even though it created an avalanche of things.

 

[Gnarwhal]

Okay... first, you clearly dodged a bullet. You were a faithful and loyal girlfriend over many years through some hardships that many girlfriends wouldn't stick around for. Then when things start going well for him, he breaks up with you. That's not an indication of a quality guy, so you're better off without him.

Second, how attached/committed are you to this church you go to? If you're anywhere on the fence or not particularly committed at all, consider finding a new one. It's just easier spiritually to go somewhere else where your thoughts can be more on the reason you're there (God) than your surroundings.

I would also advise finding a solid counselor and sitting down for a few sessions to unpack all of the thoughts, emotions and confusion that are probably running through your mind. These are complicated life experiences and it really takes the help of a professional (and by professional I mean someone with an actual counseling degree and the clinical hours to back it up) to really dig through those issues and find emotional health.

I spent well over eight months following my divorce having bi-weekly sessions with a wonderful counselor that has her own practice. Without a doubt I came out on the other side of it all healthier than I ever have been before. In fact, she told me when we wrapped things up that I was one of the most well-adjusted people she's worked with. So you see, it can be a beneficial thing - even if there's no catalyst, I'm always a huge advocate of therapy. It does wonders for people to work out issues with an objective third party.

 

[sundewgrower]

That's a good point to say the least DarthBagel.. (and not to sound weird. But I always find your posts noteworthy)
I guess that's what I was sort of given. Not that I had a divorce or any broken relationships that compare.. But I had enough issues, accumulations of crappy experinces, and things I needed to work through. So I guess the friend I was gifted with like 6 months ago was a lighter duty concealer I guess. Nowadays she keeps saying that I'm a LOT better than before and I'm a new person in many ways.

 

[fmarc]

So she got the courage to ask her Mom, and a good part of why she said no is because I'm 1/8 Jewish.
That burned rather nicely, and if that's the first time then even though it seems pathetic it'll burn for a good while.
With that, it sort of created an ensued depression, and I kept looking for somebody to just speak to that was decent.
So months went by, and it took 8 months to make a full circle but I'm very happy it happened even though it created an avalanche of things.

I'm sorry that happened. I hope you really are alright. We always have Hope! The whole being part Jew seems so ridiculous to me. God does work in ways that seem strange to us. I hope He provided you with more peace and joy. =]

 

[fmarc]

Okay... first, you clearly dodged a bullet. You were a faithful and loyal girlfriend over many years through some hardships that many girlfriends wouldn't stick around for. Then when things start going well for him, he breaks up with you. That's not an indication of a quality guy, so you're better off without him.

Second, how attached/committed are you to this church you go to? If you're anywhere on the fence or not particularly committed at all, consider finding a new one. It's just easier spiritually to go somewhere else where your thoughts can be more on the reason you're there (God) than your surroundings.

I would also advise finding a solid counselor and sitting down for a few sessions to unpack all of the thoughts, emotions and confusion that are probably running through your mind. These are complicated life experiences and it really takes the help of a professional (and by professional I mean someone with an actual counseling degree and the clinical hours to back it up) to really dig through those issues and find emotional health.

I spent well over eight months following my divorce having bi-weekly sessions with a wonderful counselor that has her own practice. Without a doubt I came out on the other side of it all healthier than I ever have been before. In fact, she told me when we wrapped things up that I was one of the most well-adjusted people she's worked with. So you see, it can be a beneficial thing - even if there's no catalyst, I'm always a huge advocate of therapy. It does wonders for people to work out issues with an objective third party.

Thank you Darth_Bagel. The people that I have spoken to about this all say that same line, "You dodged a bullet." They all say I'll find someone better and so forth. I just don't ever want to be used again like this... I guess that's fear speaking. I will take your advice and try to find a professional counselor. I may see someone at my university. As far as church, I am committed to my particular church. I've been there for four years now, since it's beginning. I go there to hear the Word, to fellowship with my women (all of whom I have a very strong bond with), and I try to avoid the ex. It's hard, no doubt, because he speaks every Sunday but I have to deal with it. I figure it'll make me stronger in some way. I don't speak to him, he doesn't speak to me. I'm still human and all I could do right now is avoid him, no eye contact, no greetings, no anything. I'm not giving up my church life because of this dude. I'm not giving up going to my school because if him either.

The dude currently sleeps in his car, can't get an apartment because of his bad credit, can't even pay his debt to me right now. I have to be so over this. He started out this relationship with his new lady on horrible terms. She knew it, he knew it too. I just can't anymore. God, deal with me and deal with him, please. I desire for more discernment next time around if there is a next time.

 

[Gnarwhal]

Thank you Darth_Bagel. The people that I have spoken to about this all say that same line, "You dodged a bullet." They all say I'll find someone better and so forth. I just don't ever want to be used again like this... I guess that's fear speaking. I will take your advice and try to find a professional counselor. I may see someone at my university. As far as church, I am committed to my particular church. I've been there for four years now, since it's beginning. I go there to hear the Word, to fellowship with my women (all of whom I have a very strong bond with), and I try to avoid the ex. It's hard, no doubt, because he speaks every Sunday but I have to deal with it. I figure it'll make me stronger in some way. I don't speak to him, he doesn't speak to me. I'm still human and all I could do right now is avoid him, no eye contact, no greetings, no anything. I'm not giving up my church life because of this dude. I'm not giving up going to my school because if him either.

The dude currently sleeps in his car, can't get an apartment because of his bad credit, can't even pay his debt to me right now. I have to be so over this. He started out this relationship with his new lady on horrible terms. She knew it, he knew it too. I just can't anymore. God, deal with me and deal with him, please. I desire for more discernment next time around if there is a next time.

Well the good news is, you're "winning the breakup".

If you feel like you can weather the potential awkwardness at church, then by all means continue to enjoy your community. I would just suggest that you do consider the possibility that you may leave at some point in the future. It may not be tomorrow or next week or even six months from now, but at some point you may find that his presence there gets in the way of you experiencing the life of the church and that the best move for you spiritually would be to find a new community.

What I've seen, and experienced first-hand, is that sometimes when couples breakup, they play chicken with each other. So, for example, if both people go to the same church, they try to drive each other out in subversive ways - whoever can't tolerate the others presence anymore leaves and the other "wins". It's diabolical, but it happens occasionally. When I was finally available to attend church again after my divorce, I texted her and asked where she and her new husband were going so that I didn't go to the same place. Luckily they had moved to the next town over, so it was a non-issue, but I've had to share that space with ex-girlfriends when I was younger and it can be a challenging thing to do.

I'm glad you're going to seek counseling, I think you'll really enjoy it. It's liberating on so many levels, even beyond just relationship woes.

 

[com7fy8]

I had a lady who was gorgeous and charming and Bible smart. And I got crazy about her, but she did not even seem to really "get" my being in love with her. Then she told me she was involved with someone. I "got" it and got away from her. Then I kept noticing how she could show up in church with another guy, and then another, and then another. I got the impression she did not know what she was doing.

May be she was not making sure with God.

But she could dress to show herself and drive you crazy.

So, I realized my interest in her really was a "toys for boys" thing, and I needed to get real in love so I wasn't attracted to an act and a show.

It was my own character, then, that made me able to be attracted to her. I do not need to blame her and criticize her.

And now that I have another lady, in a very different relationship, much more personal and affectionate and sharing about spiritual things and praying and the word together and sharing with different churches and serving in ours , still I realize my own character can have a lot to do with my being interested in her, and how I see her and do things with her. So, I pray for God to make me real and honest and see what develops with . . . light We need to grow and find where God wants us.

If your church has been very good for you, I would say be careful about leaving them. You might have more regret and hurt, about leaving your church, than the hurt you might suffer about him. And you seem like you are growing and learning. It can be good to learn how to relate with problem people, so you become stronger in the LORD and not under the power of things wrong people do.

And as you become strong for loving and relating with him, this can help you be ready for a real relationship with whoever you really belong with.

But I would consider that your own character at the time helped make you able to get with him, which seems to me like that was a "mistake". So, most of all trust our Father to correct us . . . so we all become honest and humble and obedient so we do what He wants that He knows is good.

And, like I said, do not let him have power over you to hurt you or make you suffer or to get you out of your church if it is very good for you And have hope for him and her. Possibly, God has blessed you, that you yourself have not just gotten into a "rebound" thing. But be wise to whatever in you helped to get you with him, I consider. And those kind of misguiding ways are what you really need to break up with . . . so they don't effect how you choose a companion in a future relationship!

I got over my toys for boys thing (1 Corinthians 13:11), and that helped make me ready for a much more real and personal sharing, with a different woman, plus relating better with various other people.

I think someone you belong with will obviously help you get real with God and learn to love any and all people like Jesus wants us to. And you will obviously be so good for him, also, as his "help-mate" helping him like this.

However, there is a reason "why" we need "longsuffering" with other Christians >

"with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love," (Ephesians 4:2)

So, you do need to be ready to forgive someone you belong with, because we all are not perfect, we all can be wrong, somehow, whenever.

My toys for boys lesson does not seem really different; so I be kind to her, communicate, and stay with being prayerful and a good example, but not wishing for anything with her. And my lady friend is plenty.