He wants more input in what happens with my child.

[dawnsday]

Very long story short - I got in a fight with my BF (who I plan to marry) and he brought something up.

I have been a single parent for most of my child's life and just recently decided to remove her father from her life.

My BF is hurt that I don't go to him more when deciding things for my daughter. He wants more input, he wants to be more like a parent to her...which when he becomes step-dad will obviously happen.

Has anyone dealt with this? I am used to it being MY child and MY decisions - and my daughter loves him and sees him as her friend, not her parent.

Any advice for this transition would be great.

 

[Athene]

I sympathise, this was me a few years ago.

How old is your daughter?

 

[dawnsday]

she is six (and a half).

 

[Athene]

Same age as my daughter when I got married to my husband.

I would start getting his input for smaller things, you're not married yet so you're under no obligation to seek his input for anything major .. . like punishments. It isn't easy factoring in another person, it's something you have to get used too. For the first year or so of marriage I didn't go to my husband much when something was up with the kids, I had to work on it and actively remember to discuss things with him.

 

[lovesdolphins]

If you plan on marrying this guy - he will become a father to your daughter. It will be easier to start including him more in decision making now than it will be when she is 15 and fighting everything you and he say.

 

[dawnsday]

well i talked to him and he admitted that he hadn't noticed this, but i have been letting him have the small things. "sit up", "don't talk back" "clean your room" etc. and i included him in the Report Card Discussion (we hold a meeting to praise the good and make a plan to fix the bad) but i think i was actually trying to make my BF feel like he is NOT required to be a father...and don'tcha know it...he wants to be...

one problem i do have is that i have been a parent for years and he seems to think his experience with his younger siblings make him an expert and he has tried to trump things i say or correct my choices - which frankly just makes me mad (as it would if any non-parent tried to tell me how to be a mom). is this my problem or legitimate?

 

[lovesdolphins]

I don't think any parent should correct a punishment or disipline in front of a child - if that's what he is trying to do you may need to talk to him about taking you aside if he doesn't agree with what you are doing.

 

[dawnsday]

I don't think any parent should correct a punishment or disipline in front of a child - if that's what he is trying to do you may need to talk to him about taking you aside if he doesn't agree with what you are doing.

I will do that. Good idea. But I am also concerned with him trying to change rules I have already in place. I like how my kid is and it's my rules that made her that way --- am i being too controlling?

 

[lovesdolphins]

I will do that. Good idea. But I am also concerned with him trying to change rules I have already in place. I like how my kid is and it's my rules that made her that way --- am i being too controlling?

The status-quo will change when y'all get married, your daughter will see that, and hopefully the three of you will grow together, he's wanting to be a father to her - which I think is wonderful, but knocking him down every time he makes a suggestion is not going to help. (not saying that you do that).

He should also respect the rules you have in place - but you should also be willing to see his side if he sees something differently than you.


As she ages the rules will change, and new rules will come into play - that both of you will need to agree on.

 

[RedTulipMom]

i was in the same boat. i married my 2nd hubby when my son was 6 also. I am not gonna lie to you and say its an easy situation...it is NOT. The step parenting thing is hard for both adults. You are used to doing certain things with your children and your spouse probably wont agree with alot of it. He will probably want to intervene on certain things and then on other things you want him to intervene on he won't. LOTS of communication between the two of you is necessary. Make sure you do the talking in private and not in front of your child. Even with two parents who are both the bio parents it isnt wise to usurp the other parent IN FRONT of the child. That is not good for the child. Tell you fiance if he disagrees with something to take you aside privately to talk about it. Your child needs consistency. Pray lots and make sure God is number 1 in your life and your marriage and it will turn out ok. hugs

 

[Leanna]

Not a stepparent, but I was a stepchild.... my stepmom married my dad when I was 8, and I was raised by my dad and living with him. I can tell you the worst thing she did was to instantly try to be authority and my mom. It caused so many problems its not even funny. From a stepchild's perspective it would be better if he left the disciplining to you for at least a couple years, until he has clout and longevity in her life.

 

[dawnsday]

Did any of you sit down with your kid to discuss this new "authority"?

 

[Robinsegg]

Maybe something fun you and bf can do together is watch the movie "Freaky Friday" (the new Disney version, not the '70's version). It might help both of you to see how a family intending to blend can handle things before the wedding Mark Harmon really does this role well. The girl is a teenager, but many of the principles will apply, and give you guys a base point to start really talking about this?
Rachel

 

[dawnsday]

Not a stepparent, but I was a stepchild.... my stepmom married my dad when I was 8, and I was raised by my dad and living with him. I can tell you the worst thing she did was to instantly try to be authority and my mom. It caused so many problems its not even funny. From a stepchild's perspective it would be better if he left the disciplining to you for at least a couple years, until he has clout and longevity in her life.

What about enforcing house rules and would you say this applies for a child who may no longer see their father?

 

[dawnsday]

Maybe something fun you and bf can do together is watch the movie "Freaky Friday" (the new Disney version, not the '70's version). It might help both of you to see how a family intending to blend can handle things before the wedding Mark Harmon really does this role well. The girl is a teenager, but many of the principles will apply, and give you guys a base point to start really talking about this?
Rachel

I like that idea. I wonder if there are any christian geared videos that cover that. heck or books.

 

[gengwall]

I agree with what everyone is saying. At this point in time, he has to accept that his role is as friend and advisor to you and nothing more. (That makes no assumption about whether or not his advice is good, practical, or acceptable to you). You should be willing, and let him know, that his role will certainly change once you are married. But for now, you call the shots.

Your daughter is a little young for him to have any better perspective than you. It would certainly be different if it were a son.

 

[dawnsday]

I agree with what everyone is saying. At this point in time, he has to accept that his role is as friend and advisor to you and nothing more. (That makes no assumption about whether or not his advice is good, practical, or acceptable to you). You should be willing, and let him know, that his role will certainly change once you are married. But for now, you call the shots.

Your daughter is a little young for him to have any better perspective than you. It would certainly be different if it were a son.

i'm confused - why would it be different?

 

[gengwall]

i'm confused - why would it be different?

LOL - because boys are significantly different than girls and a man may better understand what a boy needs and wants.

 

[Leanna]

I'm just saying it was ugly, and if my stepmom had been wise she would have let my dad do the disciplining for a few years until she had gained my respect as a parent. That doesn't mean she needed to back down or let me walk over her, that means she shouldn't try to do things differently than my dad did and all the stuff she chose to do. The kind of respect needed for a parent-child relationship is earned, not inherent just because the person happens to marry the parent. It concerns me that your boyfriend already thinks he should be changing things and being overly involved in discipline....

 

[dawnsday]

LOL - because boys are significantly different than girls and a man may better understand what a boy needs and wants.

you would think so...right? but my bf and my daughter want to go shopping for new clothes and i want to go fishing and camping. Hmmm maybe I should listen to his advice more LOL