Hello everyone! This is my testimony which I have shared many times, and still love to share:
I grew up in a Buddhist family, with no knowledge on Christianity at all. When I was a teenager, a close friend of mine was invited to a church service and she asked me along because she didn't want to feel left out. So I went, and during the altar call I felt this strange urge in my heart telling me it was time to come home. I didn't quite understood the significance of "coming home" at that time, but I raised my hands and prayed. I continued attending church and was very excited to share the gospel. But it soon became a burden as we were expected to bring newcomers to church almost every week. We would, in a way, even be made to go out to the streets and persuade complete strangers to join us for service. There were a lot of expectations heaped onto us. After about a year I stopped attending church altogether because I felt that I was not good enough. Not holy enough, not enthusiastic enough, not perfect enough, just not good enough to be in church. But when I left I made a promise - one day when I am good enough, I will return to church.
Unfortunately that didn't happen and I started hanging out with the wrong crowd, and even got myself pregnant as a very, very young adult. In the Asian culture (and to my strict parents) this was extremely shameful, I might have been better off dead - but they loved me very much and tried their very best to be supportive. I got married hastily, without even considering if we were ready. Things were bad, he turned out to be abusive and unfaithful. A number of years later I applied for divorce.
I was scarred, but I met a seemingly decent and good man and we dated for a couple of years. The relationship ended however, because his parents couldn't accept that I was a single mom. I became very depressed and indulged in self-destructive habits which I tried to hide from friends due to fear of judgement. It was a terribly lonely and dark time. I was entertaining suicidal thoughts daily and to make matter worse, I felt guilty that I had brought my child into a hopeless world and wanted to "save him" by ending both of our lives together.
Eventually a close friend got concerned and spoke to me about seeing a therapist who diagnosed me as having severe depression and made me see a psychiatrist to put me on medication. Things got better, but it was an empty kind of better. One day I was just sitting in my room, crying to myself when I finally cried out to God. I told God that if this is how life was going to be, then please take me away. Nothing happened, but here is where it gets exciting - a few days later, out of the blue, a friend whom I was not particularly close to suddenly invited me to church! I was fearful and reluctant but I thought ugh screw it. Might as well give it a try. So I went, and heard a message on that day about grace which touched my heart so deeply. I realized no, it doesn't matter if I am good enough, if I am dirty or whatsoever. God loves me and He will never let me go. And I felt that same urge from years ago once again telling me it's time to come home. Finally I understood what it meant. I belong here, right here in my Father's arms. This is home. All the years, when I thought I was being hurt and when I was hurting myself, it was His heart which hurt the most.
I no longer try to change myself to match up to the expectations of others. All I do is focus on the love of Christ and indirectly, I have changed from the inside out. I am a better daughter, a better mom and a better friend now - all because I am finally at where I belong.
I grew up in a Buddhist family, with no knowledge on Christianity at all. When I was a teenager, a close friend of mine was invited to a church service and she asked me along because she didn't want to feel left out. So I went, and during the altar call I felt this strange urge in my heart telling me it was time to come home. I didn't quite understood the significance of "coming home" at that time, but I raised my hands and prayed. I continued attending church and was very excited to share the gospel. But it soon became a burden as we were expected to bring newcomers to church almost every week. We would, in a way, even be made to go out to the streets and persuade complete strangers to join us for service. There were a lot of expectations heaped onto us. After about a year I stopped attending church altogether because I felt that I was not good enough. Not holy enough, not enthusiastic enough, not perfect enough, just not good enough to be in church. But when I left I made a promise - one day when I am good enough, I will return to church.
Unfortunately that didn't happen and I started hanging out with the wrong crowd, and even got myself pregnant as a very, very young adult. In the Asian culture (and to my strict parents) this was extremely shameful, I might have been better off dead - but they loved me very much and tried their very best to be supportive. I got married hastily, without even considering if we were ready. Things were bad, he turned out to be abusive and unfaithful. A number of years later I applied for divorce.
I was scarred, but I met a seemingly decent and good man and we dated for a couple of years. The relationship ended however, because his parents couldn't accept that I was a single mom. I became very depressed and indulged in self-destructive habits which I tried to hide from friends due to fear of judgement. It was a terribly lonely and dark time. I was entertaining suicidal thoughts daily and to make matter worse, I felt guilty that I had brought my child into a hopeless world and wanted to "save him" by ending both of our lives together.
Eventually a close friend got concerned and spoke to me about seeing a therapist who diagnosed me as having severe depression and made me see a psychiatrist to put me on medication. Things got better, but it was an empty kind of better. One day I was just sitting in my room, crying to myself when I finally cried out to God. I told God that if this is how life was going to be, then please take me away. Nothing happened, but here is where it gets exciting - a few days later, out of the blue, a friend whom I was not particularly close to suddenly invited me to church! I was fearful and reluctant but I thought ugh screw it. Might as well give it a try. So I went, and heard a message on that day about grace which touched my heart so deeply. I realized no, it doesn't matter if I am good enough, if I am dirty or whatsoever. God loves me and He will never let me go. And I felt that same urge from years ago once again telling me it's time to come home. Finally I understood what it meant. I belong here, right here in my Father's arms. This is home. All the years, when I thought I was being hurt and when I was hurting myself, it was His heart which hurt the most.
I no longer try to change myself to match up to the expectations of others. All I do is focus on the love of Christ and indirectly, I have changed from the inside out. I am a better daughter, a better mom and a better friend now - all because I am finally at where I belong.
