He left me b/c of my past

[needsforgiveness]

When I met my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend), I knew I wanted to marry him. I told him everything about my past so that there won't be any surprises later on. He was furious. He has never had a girlfriend before so he felt robbed that I had already lost my virginity. But through much prayer, he was able to forgive me. He asked me to be his girlfriend shortly after forgiving me. I had been nothing but faithful and loving to him. I never once let anything I do make him question my love for him. I reassured him every day that I love him and there is no one else. He loved me very much and did everything for me. I could not ask for a better man.

Although he forgave me, he kept bringing it up. For two years, my past kept showing itself and won't leave us alone. Finally, he called it off because he felt that he couldn't live with my past and that he would be lying to himself that he could. I am devastated. My heart hurts so much-- its unbearable. I feel so helpless that I cannot do anything about this. I could really use your wisdom and encouragement to make it through this. Please help me make sense of all this

1. Maybe he never really loved me because he gave up too soon on us (how can he say that 2 years is enough for him to know that he could never fully forgive me?).

2. I was his first girlfriend and I am scare to admit that he may be wondering what else is out there. I had my fun... now he wants his? (Yes, he is a believer)

3. I am being punished by God for my past...?

I am writing this in tears. Please please respond. Anything from you (my brothers and sisters in Christ) would help.

 

[Wanderer13]

I'm fairly new to my faith as well as the dating world, but I felt I should comment and I hope you don't mind.

I have lots of girlfriends as well as myself who have experienced break ups. When you care about someone, especially when you've been with them for two years, there is bound to be pain unfortunately. Not only for the loss of the one you love, but also for the lost connection; having a person who you can always turn to. When this happens though, you can always turn to Jesus. Regardless of your past, present or future, he forgives you and loves you (Answer to #3, Jesus forgives you of your sins, I don't believe he would punish you for your past. If you haven't yet asked for forgiveness yet, do so, but I still doubt He would punish you for your past).

Have faith and your heart will mend in time; not quickly, but steadily. My prayers go out to you.

 

[Melethiel]

I know it must be hard. Just know it's hard for your boyfriend too - I've been in his shoes. My boyfriend is my first serious relationship, and I was very upset when he told me about his past. With God's help, I was able to forgive him, but it's something that I have to do every day.

It sounds like he really does love you, if he tried to continue the relationship for 2 years. I can't say if he'll ever truly forgive you - that's something between him and God. However, if marrying a virgin is truly that important to him that he couldn't get over it, then perhaps the breakup is for the best - you'd never truly be happy together if he kept bringing up your past. Just trust in God - he wants what is best for you. If you are truly meant to be with this man, then you will be, eventually. If not, then God has something better in mind for you.

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

Here's my 2 cents.

You were honest with him & told him about your past.....you were a loving gf, who gave him 100% of your heart. You did all you can do, you were yourself. So, continue to be the person you are.....you WILL come across the right guy, that either may have a bit of a past too, or may not, but can 'look past' yours. That is the guy you want to be with. You want to be able to come to a guy that will accept you for who you are, faults and all. And Lord knows, we ALL have them!!!!! Even you ex has faults, that he may not have shared with you.

It doesn't sound like your ex TRUELY loved you......because any good man, who loves you will do whatever it takes to stay with you, faults and all. Because, all they know is they love you and can't live without you!

PLEASE, don't take this break-up all on your shoulders.....who knows, there could be other factors, other than your past, that lead to it? Maybe he had a 'weak moment'?

Just continue to be strong, in your faith and know that God has someone better for you!

 

[Luther073082]

When I met my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend), I knew I wanted to marry him. I told him everything about my past so that there won't be any surprises later on. He was furious. He has never had a girlfriend before so he felt robbed that I had already lost my virginity. But through much prayer, he was able to forgive me. He asked me to be his girlfriend shortly after forgiving me. I had been nothing but faithful and loving to him. I never once let anything I do make him question my love for him. I reassured him every day that I love him and there is no one else. He loved me very much and did everything for me. I could not ask for a better man.

Although he forgave me, he kept bringing it up. For two years, my past kept showing itself and won't leave us alone. Finally, he called it off because he felt that he couldn't live with my past and that he would be lying to himself that he could. I am devastated. My heart hurts so much-- its unbearable. I feel so helpless that I cannot do anything about this. I could really use your wisdom and encouragement to make it through this. Please help me make sense of all this

First let me say I'm sorry you went through all of this. I'll tell you I was a virgin til I was 24 and I can sort of relate to the guy's feelings. But not his actions.

If you are virgin and with someone who isn't there is a general insecurity and hurt involved. I guess perhaps it is part of the "they had their fun" type of feeling. But I think its mostly the feeling that being a virgin because of its difficulty entitles you to marry another virgin. However thats not a realistic thing to believe. The number of virgins at older ages is small.

1. Maybe he never really loved me because he gave up too soon on us (how can he say that 2 years is enough for him to know that he could never fully forgive me?).

I would say that 2 years is enough to know how you are going to feel about something. But I would also agree that I don't think he ever really loved you. Love would see past and be able to get past such a thing. It would be difficult, but it could be done.

2. I was his first girlfriend and I am scare to admit that he may be wondering what else is out there. I had my fun... now he wants his? (Yes, he is a believer)

I already went over this. It could be. But I think its more a feeling of being a virgin entitles you to marry a virgin. In a way being a virgin in a sense makes him feel a bit betrayed in the fact that you arn't.

3. I am being punished by God for my past...?

No, God isn't doing this to you. Its this guy thats doing it. It is a logical result of your past, when you are with someone who can't get past it. So while God has forgiven your past, you will still have to deal with it.

I am writing this in tears. Please please respond. Anything from you (my brothers and sisters in Christ) would help.

I know how hard this is, but its not the end of the world. Don't try to be friends with this guy and for the most part avoid him as much as possible. The seperation will help you.

Don't blame yourself for this. First of all because there is nothing you can do to change this. But secondly because the majority of the problem is that he can't get past this. Sometimes otherwise good relationships don't work out because of some things like this. For example, I could never date or marry anyone who isn't a Lutheran or at least willing to become a Lutheran. This has nothing to do with me feeling as though Lutherans are somehow better then others. It has to do with the fact that I believe firmly in Lutheran doctrines and I would not be able to accept the doctrines of another denomination nor would I ever get over the differences either. I will only be a part of a church that teaches Lutheran doctrine.

Unfortunutly often enough, love is not all you need.

 

[olympic]

i think he never "forgave" you if u can use such a word who is he to forgive you only god can.you could say he was never comftable with your past wich in my opinion was better now to brake up then later after a m,arrage and kids.
i know it dosnt seem like it but there will others probaply better than him

 

[dobieman0488]

this is on him, not you. If you repented of it and gave your sin over to christ, it's over. God's not punishing you

 

[Sketcher]

Maybe he thought he could move past it when he asked you out. It turned out that he could not. Why not? Well, you said your past kept coming up - I don't know if he was bringing it up all the time or if it was just a natural consequence. I know for me personally, and it sounds like I have some common ground with him, that I wouldn't care about someone's past IF it didn't remain in the present. But there's plenty that usually does remain in the present. Continue to be transformed by God, you would need to do that anyway. And God's not punishing you. If he forgave you, he forgave you.

 

[The Nihilist]

When I met my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend), I knew I wanted to marry him. I told him everything about my past so that there won't be any surprises later on. He was furious. He has never had a girlfriend before so he felt robbed that I had already lost my virginity. But through much prayer, he was able to forgive me. He asked me to be his girlfriend shortly after forgiving me. I had been nothing but faithful and loving to him. I never once let anything I do make him question my love for him. I reassured him every day that I love him and there is no one else. He loved me very much and did everything for me. I could not ask for a better man.

Although he forgave me, he kept bringing it up. For two years, my past kept showing itself and won't leave us alone. Finally, he called it off because he felt that he couldn't live with my past and that he would be lying to himself that he could. I am devastated. My heart hurts so much-- its unbearable. I feel so helpless that I cannot do anything about this. I could really use your wisdom and encouragement to make it through this. Please help me make sense of all this

1. Maybe he never really loved me because he gave up too soon on us (how can he say that 2 years is enough for him to know that he could never fully forgive me?).

2. I was his first girlfriend and I am scare to admit that he may be wondering what else is out there. I had my fun... now he wants his? (Yes, he is a believer)

3. I am being punished by God for my past...?

I am writing this in tears. Please please respond. Anything from you (my brothers and sisters in Christ) would help.

Don't beat yourself up over this so much. I know it sucks now, but it sounds like you dodged a major bullet. I'll address your concerns point by point:

1. You never needed his forgiveness. He wasn't in the picture when you became a woman, you owe him nothing. He said he could accept it, and he kept you in a relationship under false pretenses for two years. He is a coward and a liar.

2. Dude sucks, but I don't think that's the case.

3. Whoa whoa whoa, christianity does not work that way. Don't you know that the rain falls on the just and the unjust alike? (In fact, all kinds of bad things happen to christians. lions, etc.) Moreover, your God is one who forgives, not one who punishes the repentant.

 

[needsforgiveness]

Hi all, I am so thankful for you-- for taking the time to reply. I asked for His forgiveness six years ago and I believe that He isn't punishing me for my past sins. I shouldn't let that thought get into my head anymore. Thank you for reminding me I am loved and forgiven.

I know it isn't the end of the world and if it isn't in His will for us to be together then surely there is someone else. I am taught to be so patient during this time (patience is one of my weakest areas... you have no idea!). Again, thank you. You responses helped very much. I pray that we continue to encourage each other... through our time, replies, and prayers.

 

[latteda]

How painful. I believe you've gotten some excellent answers to your questions here. I will pray for you.

 

[sekir]

HI,

I am someone who had a past when i started being with my bf.I was not saved then and now I am ..You know what Jesus came for the sinners.He died for those who sinned and he came to heal us and make us whole-what a privilege!!!!

What is true love..it is like the love of Christ -accepting and cleansing...truly washing our sla eclean..Do u think Jesus would bring up the past always...NOOOOOOOOoo

That means he never forgave completely..and moreover why do u need his forgiveness you are not sinning against him..if you had cheated on him i wud understand ...but this...

You are a new person in CHrist and a boy in Christ shud know that ..I feel sadend that christians behave like this...bringing up the past of others....somehow it is like putting on trial the sacrifice of Christ..read the below story...you deserve a better man dear and God just delivered you ...cause he knows you deserve someone who loves you completely.Moreover he is gonna be with the present you ...not the old you....I think he was an insecure man who couldnt trust you enouhg or he felt he deserved a virgin...All the best to him..he can marry a virgin and end up being more hurt in future

Seriously I know how u fell ..I have gone thru this...but I am so happy that you are delivered so fast.God wll heal and guide you

Sekir


THE BLOOD
One night in a church service a young woman felt the tug of God at her heart.
She responded to God's call and accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior.
The young woman had a very rough past, involving alcohol,
drugs, and prostitution.
But, the change in her was evident. As time went on she became a faithful member of the church.
She eventually became involved in the ministry,
teaching young children.
It was not very long until this faithful young woman had caught the eye and heart of the pastor's son.
The relationship grew and they began to make wedding plans.
This is when the problems began.
You see, about one half of the church did not think that a woman with a past such as hers was suitable for a pastor's son.
The church began to argue and fight about the matter. So they decided to have a meeting.
As the people made their arguments and tensions increased, the meeting was getting completely out of hand.
The young woman became very upset about all the things
being brought up about her past.
As she began to cry the pastor's son stood to speak.
He could not bear the pain it was causing his wife to be.
He began to speak and his statement was this:
"My fiancée's past is not what is on trial here.
What you are questioning is the ability of the blood of Jesus to wash away sin.
Today you have put the blood of Jesus on trial.
So, does it wash away sin or not?"
The whole church began to weep as they realized that they had been slandering the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Too often, even as Christians, we bring up the past and use it as a weapon against our brothers and sisters.
Forgiveness is a very foundational part of the Gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ.
If the blood of Jesus does not cleanse the other person completely then it cannot cleanse us completely.
If that is the case, then we are all in a lot of trouble.
What can wash away my sins?
Nothing but the blood of Jesus!
End of case!!!!
"Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved."
Psalm 55:23

 

[BranwenUerchLlyr]

He was arrogant to think that you needed forgiveness from him, as if you harmed him in some way. That is pure hubris.

I'm sorry this happened, but don't think its your past that is at fault. It is his arrogant and naive attitude that kept the relationship from progressing.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

First let me say I'm sorry you went through all of this. I'll tell you I was a virgin til I was 24 and I can sort of relate to the guy's feelings. But not his actions.

If you are virgin and with someone who isn't there is a general insecurity and hurt involved. I guess perhaps it is part of the "they had their fun" type of feeling. But I think its mostly the feeling that being a virgin because of its difficulty entitles you to marry another virgin. However thats not a realistic thing to believe. The number of virgins at older ages is small.



I would say that 2 years is enough to know how you are going to feel about something. But I would also agree that I don't think he ever really loved you. Love would see past and be able to get past such a thing. It would be difficult, but it could be done.



I already went over this. It could be. But I think its more a feeling of being a virgin entitles you to marry a virgin. In a way being a virgin in a sense makes him feel a bit betrayed in the fact that you arn't.



No, God isn't doing this to you. Its this guy thats doing it. It is a logical result of your past, when you are with someone who can't get past it. So while God has forgiven your past, you will still have to deal with it.



I know how hard this is, but its not the end of the world. Don't try to be friends with this guy and for the most part avoid him as much as possible. The seperation will help you.

Don't blame yourself for this. First of all because there is nothing you can do to change this. But secondly because the majority of the problem is that he can't get past this. Sometimes otherwise good relationships don't work out because of some things like this. For example, I could never date or marry anyone who isn't a Lutheran or at least willing to become a Lutheran. This has nothing to do with me feeling as though Lutherans are somehow better then others. It has to do with the fact that I believe firmly in Lutheran doctrines and I would not be able to accept the doctrines of another denomination nor would I ever get over the differences either. I will only be a part of a church that teaches Lutheran doctrine.

Unfortunutly often enough, love is not all you need.

But, my foursquare church is just about perfect even with the imperfect people! Just a joke...... sort of.

Very good insight into why this guy may have baled-believing he "deserved" a virgin because he was one. Sounds like he has some maturing and growing to do or he wouldn't have let things go for 2 years.

To the OP-I had my heart badly broken by an older virgin about 4 years ago. I have 2 kids so he knew I wasn't a virgin, but this area was one reason for him to break up with me. I saw him as God's choice for me and didn't see the break up coming. I do remember how badly it hurt and how I had trouble just breathing. Now I'm engaged to a man who was just supposed to be a friend and I have a few years of dating under my belt and am very happy that things turned out how they did.

The guy who broke up with me goes to my church and we have run into each other in classes and it's all good. I don't think he was the best fit for me even though he is a godly man; we weren't the best for each other and I can see it more clearly after getting to know my fiance.

I am glad you realize that you aren't being punished continually for forgiven sin even though our sins do often need to be dealt with in the future. You may find that you were spared from this relationship, not being punished for it ending.

 

[cutekid 4 Jesus]

You had a lucky escape, imagine if you had married him, he would have kept bringing it up and hanging it over your head, the wedding night would be awkward to say the least. It's his loss, hold your head up high and be thankful that you are loved unconditionally by the only One who can.

 

[The Nihilist]

God did....

A. You a favor.
B. Him a favor.
C. Both of you a favor.

1 of these is the correct answer.

I would say...C.

God didn't do anything. Her exboyfriend is some jerk, he's not Pharaoh. He hardened his own heart.

 

[marshallII]

If he is that immature and judgemental-you are better off. Sheesh.

 

[lifetheuniverse]

When I met my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend), I knew I wanted to marry him. I told him everything about my past so that there won't be any surprises later on. He was furious. He has never had a girlfriend before so he felt robbed that I had already lost my virginity. But through much prayer, he was able to forgive me. He asked me to be his girlfriend shortly after forgiving me. I had been nothing but faithful and loving to him. I never once let anything I do make him question my love for him. I reassured him every day that I love him and there is no one else. He loved me very much and did everything for me. I could not ask for a better man.

Although he forgave me, he kept bringing it up. For two years, my past kept showing itself and won't leave us alone. Finally, he called it off because he felt that he couldn't live with my past and that he would be lying to himself that he could. I am devastated. My heart hurts so much-- its unbearable. I feel so helpless that I cannot do anything about this. I could really use your wisdom and encouragement to make it through this. Please help me make sense of all this

1. Maybe he never really loved me because he gave up too soon on us (how can he say that 2 years is enough for him to know that he could never fully forgive me?).

2. I was his first girlfriend and I am scare to admit that he may be wondering what else is out there. I had my fun... now he wants his? (Yes, he is a believer)

3. I am being punished by God for my past...?

I am writing this in tears. Please please respond. Anything from you (my brothers and sisters in Christ) would help.

There is something to be said in selecting a mate that has a similar background to you. Similar educational background, similar career potential, similar life goals, and yes, similar sexual experiences. People break up at the 6 month, 1 year, and 2 year mark for many reasons. This is one of them. Other issues are money or finding out your mate doesn't want kids or they have 'fallen out of love with you' or hundreds of other excuses.

It may be easier for you to find a match with a man who has 'had a past' like you and who also repented of it.

One of the consequences of the whole 'true love waits' thing the church has been pushing is that we now have a lot of virgin dudes in the church.

And those virgins tend to expect that of potential mates. The true love waits thing tends to reinforce itself over time and for those who have had the 'victory' of never having sex before they tend to expect something for their effort. They have sown chastity in their lives and now expect to reap a wife that has also waited for him.

It really does make dating in the church harder.

As a woman gets older in the church the good ones tend to be taken. There is a church scarcity in christian men above a certain age.

This means men have a wider choice of mates then women. It boils down to him knowing he could leave you as a boyfriend and possibly 'do better' from his perspective. This is very painful for you and mean of him to string you on for two years because he couldn't be up front from you from the very beginning that he had this on his 'make or break' list for a wife.

God is not punishing you, but this man could not love you as a wife. It is this man's failure and not yours. God loves you so much! You are a favored daughter in his eyes. There are many good Godly men out there.

I encourage you to walk in healing- to realize the roots of your desire to have a relationship with a man and receiving affection from him even if he has issues with fully loving you the way you should be loved. You sound like a good hearted woman and I am very sure that if you stay active and continue with your life and being social that you will meet more Godly men, better ones for a relationship with you.

 

[needsforgiveness]

Hi all, thanks for your replies. It has been over three months and I am still hurt from this experience. God is slowly healing me and drawing me closer to Him. =) I've learned so much about myself and Him through this and am happy to say that although its painful, it's def. necessary for growth. A quick update (for those interested)... my ex and I have exchanged emails, text msgs, and a couple of phone calls but other than that, I am trying to keep our distance. I still love him, and its very hard for me to not keep in touch with him (although one of you recommended I should avoid him). He shows little interest in staying in touch with me and yes, I know that should be a sign that I should just let him go. I feel so foolish for being unable to let him go so easily. Believe me, I am doing my best. If you could pray for me, I would appreciate it. Thanks all for reading and replying. I am doing better and I have you to thank =)

 

[lifetheuniverse]

Blessings be upon you! May the Lord who has saved you also give you healing. May the people you meet be healed of anything that stands in the way of them loving God and being able to love you. When we are saved we are saved however some people out there still have old unsaved strong holds and judgments that prevent them from loving. May you find guys without strongholds and judgments! I encourage you that there are many decent men still out there who will love you. I pray for you, blessings on you, may you find the right mate for you.