- Sep 22, 2004
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- US-Democrat
I was raised up in a Baptist church and my whole family attended. Those were wonderful days, but then my parents fell out of church and darkness settled upon our home. My mother became an alcoholic and my father became an abuser. From the time I was eight years old until I left home at 16 I was molested by the man I always believed would be my protector. For years afterwards the horror, hate and distrust ruled my life. I was intimadated by all men and angry at my mother for not knowing what was going on.
I tried throughout the years to get back into church, but I could find no peace in any of them. I was struggling in the storm thinking I had no where to go. I guess I was also angry at God, because I couldn't understand why He was letting this all happen. The pain and anger ate at me like an uncontroled cancer and I was in and out of mental hospitals for much of my life.
When my father died in 1977 I frlt sadness and relief. I believed that I was finally free of him, but this was not so. He continued to haunt me until 1995, when the trust about Jesus moved from my head into my heart.
Because of my mental state I hardly slept and it was during the wee hours of the morning that God began to work on my heart. I was incomplete and so lonely even though I was surrounded by family that loved and cared for me. Watching TV one late night I was switching the channels when I came upon an evangeliacel program and I began to watch it. Night after night I was drawn back to the show, but a great war began to insue in my heart. God was calling me back to Him and Satan didn't want to let me go. I spent a horrible year in this situation, then one day my grandchildren started asking me to go to church with them. I told them no at first, but they were persistent so I went with them. Sitting in the church I got a strong sense of being home. After several Sundays I decided to recommit my life to the Lord, but the war within me didn't suside. One Sunday after church I talked to the Pastor of this particular church and told him I felt the need to be re-baptized, but he scuffed at me and told me that I was commiting sin by not believing that I had been saved.
I went home that day and started praying that God would lead me to a church where I would learn about Him and grow in Him. Around this time my daughter's father in law died and they had a memorial service for him at a local church. The warmth and love that came from these people drew me close and I had a strong desire to attend their church. About a month later I was sitting in my kitchen and the Spirit and Satan were again battling within me. I felt as though I was going to die. I called the Pastor of the new church and tried to briefly explain to him what I was feeling. He told me to come on into the office and talk with him. I couldn't get there fast enough. That day I laid out my heart to the Pastor about all my past and the struggle that was going on within me. He never said a word just sat there and listened. When I was through he asked me very gently if I would like to say the sinner's prayer and I responded yes. I cannot describe to you the feeling of complete peace I felt as I ended that prayer. It was a if a lifetime of heartache rose from my feet and out through my head. I was baptized the very next Sunday. All the anger, pain and guilt that I had felt through the years were gone wiped away in a second. Today I am assured that I am saved and if I died in the next moment I know that I will be with my Lord. I no longer fear the unknown for I know my God knows all.
I tried throughout the years to get back into church, but I could find no peace in any of them. I was struggling in the storm thinking I had no where to go. I guess I was also angry at God, because I couldn't understand why He was letting this all happen. The pain and anger ate at me like an uncontroled cancer and I was in and out of mental hospitals for much of my life.
When my father died in 1977 I frlt sadness and relief. I believed that I was finally free of him, but this was not so. He continued to haunt me until 1995, when the trust about Jesus moved from my head into my heart.
Because of my mental state I hardly slept and it was during the wee hours of the morning that God began to work on my heart. I was incomplete and so lonely even though I was surrounded by family that loved and cared for me. Watching TV one late night I was switching the channels when I came upon an evangeliacel program and I began to watch it. Night after night I was drawn back to the show, but a great war began to insue in my heart. God was calling me back to Him and Satan didn't want to let me go. I spent a horrible year in this situation, then one day my grandchildren started asking me to go to church with them. I told them no at first, but they were persistent so I went with them. Sitting in the church I got a strong sense of being home. After several Sundays I decided to recommit my life to the Lord, but the war within me didn't suside. One Sunday after church I talked to the Pastor of this particular church and told him I felt the need to be re-baptized, but he scuffed at me and told me that I was commiting sin by not believing that I had been saved.
I went home that day and started praying that God would lead me to a church where I would learn about Him and grow in Him. Around this time my daughter's father in law died and they had a memorial service for him at a local church. The warmth and love that came from these people drew me close and I had a strong desire to attend their church. About a month later I was sitting in my kitchen and the Spirit and Satan were again battling within me. I felt as though I was going to die. I called the Pastor of the new church and tried to briefly explain to him what I was feeling. He told me to come on into the office and talk with him. I couldn't get there fast enough. That day I laid out my heart to the Pastor about all my past and the struggle that was going on within me. He never said a word just sat there and listened. When I was through he asked me very gently if I would like to say the sinner's prayer and I responded yes. I cannot describe to you the feeling of complete peace I felt as I ended that prayer. It was a if a lifetime of heartache rose from my feet and out through my head. I was baptized the very next Sunday. All the anger, pain and guilt that I had felt through the years were gone wiped away in a second. Today I am assured that I am saved and if I died in the next moment I know that I will be with my Lord. I no longer fear the unknown for I know my God knows all.
