He Cheated

[Happyhippie2018]

I hope I have come to a good place for encouragement. To make a very long story short, my boyfriend of 2 years (We just celebrated 2 years in July) cheated. It started out as emotional and he met with her to hang out twice. All of this happened just after we celebrated our anniversary. It was just about a week and a half long, everything fell apart pretty quickly because the pastor's found out. The most jarring part of all of this is that for however briefly, he considered leaving me. It's been about 2 weeks, I feel less shell shocked than the night I found out, but there are still a lot of feelings I am dealing with. I am trying to figure out if I want to forgive and stay or forgive and move on. After everything, I want to forgive and stay this time. Even after forgiving there is still going to be emotions I have to work through. Is there any scriptures I can read, any books I can read that can provide me with further clarity?

 

[Willie T]

What is being called, "cheating?"

 

[tampasteve]

I am sorry to hear this. That said, it is good that it happened before you were married. Is this a person you have discussed marriage with? What was the circumstances that led you to find out? Was he remorseful at all? Has he broken contact with the other woman? What was the "cheating"? There are many scriptures on comfort, but as to cheating in a relationship that is not marriage there are not many (or any really, but there are scriptures on lying). There are scriptures that show divorce is allowable under adultery, but you were not married.

Personally, after going through a marriage that ended due to years of cheating, repentance, cheating and hiding it, repeat....I wish I had ended it as soon as it became clear she was not really going to change. But without more details it is hard to give pointed advice in your situation.

 

[nonaeroterraqueous]

Courtship is the time for figuring out whom you wish to marry, if anyone. One of the biggest mistakes I see courting couples make is to get locked into a relationship while courting, preventing them from freely assessing whether there is a better match out there, or whether this relationship is workable. If you're going to expect exclusivity of each other then you might as well be married, or at least engaged and in the process of planning the wedding. If not, then it doesn't make sense to waste years of your life being exclusive to each other. If you're uncertain enough about each other to remain unmarried, then you're uncertain enough to keep your options open. This is something you're going to have to live with for a long time, so you'd better do everything you can to make sure it's the right choice.

 

[Jon Osterman]

Courtship is the time for figuring out whom you wish to marry, if anyone. One of the biggest mistakes I see courting couples make is to get locked into a relationship while courting, preventing them from freely assessing whether there is a better match out there, or whether this relationship is workable. If you're going to expect exclusivity of each other then you might as well be married, or at least engaged and in the process of planning the wedding. If not, then it doesn't make sense to waste years of your life being exclusive to each other. If you're uncertain enough about each other to remain unmarried, then you're uncertain enough to keep your options open. This is something you're going to have to live with for a long time, so you'd better do everything you can to make sure it's the right choice.

I completely disagree. The courtship period is a chance to see how you operate as a team without the burden of sexual intimacy. This is nullified if you are not going to be exclusive in your courtship. It is a chance to really try out your relationship before making a binding commitment to one another. In this case, that test has failed, and the OP should recognise that and move on.

 

[Dave G.]

This is not a time to make you feel good, the word is Caution You. Once a cheater always a cheater, if just in the heart but not in actions. That's my view of such things. The question is can he gain control of that nature through Christ Jesus ? And the second question, are you willing to work with him on that nature knowing it is there and can flare up at any time ( I used to photograph wedding and can tell you some horror stories about cheaters, seriously it's in their nature ) ? The only one who can really address this inside him is Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit. Forgive but move forward cautiously and if marriage was on the horizon think carefully on that now. You now know a flaw in his nature, you have to decide if you can live with that and function with that. Thank God you are not married to him or worse yet, married with kids. This was a warning shot accross you bow and it's no coincidence about any portion of thjis event as much as it hurts you. One foundation all couples need is loyalty if they are to feel secure in that relationship. On the other hand our hearts are deceitful but Christ's is not. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you ( Jesus). Both of you need to draw near if you want to stick this out. If it were me it would be over with though.
Jeremiah 17:9 New King James Version (NKJV)
9 “The heart is deceitful above all things,
And desperately wicked;
Who can know it?

James 4:8 New King James Version (NKJV)
8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

 

[tampasteve]

Courtship is the time for figuring out whom you wish to marry, if anyone. One of the biggest mistakes I see courting couples make is to get locked into a relationship while courting, preventing them from freely assessing whether there is a better match out there, or whether this relationship is workable. If you're going to expect exclusivity of each other then you might as well be married, or at least engaged and in the process of planning the wedding. If not, then it doesn't make sense to waste years of your life being exclusive to each other. If you're uncertain enough about each other to remain unmarried, then you're uncertain enough to keep your options open. This is something you're going to have to live with for a long time, so you'd better do everything you can to make sure it's the right choice.

I completely disagree. The courtship period is a chance to see how you operate as a team without the burden of sexual intimacy. This is nullified if you are not going to be exclusive in your courtship. It is a chance to really try out your relationship before making a binding commitment to one another. In this case, that test has failed, and the OP should recognise that and move on.

I think you are both right, in a way. To me, much depends on the age. College age and younger people should not be in a long term mini-marriage. However, once we are older a long term, committed monogamous relationship can be a good way for us to maintain our independent life and grow in our careers, while also testing if a person might be marriage material. Also, for people that are divorced, a long term monogamous relationship can help them heal before they are ready to marry again.

If a person is in a committed relationship, and that relationship is exclusive, there are some good reasons to wait to marry. However, there are no good reasons to cheat physically or emotionally in that relationship - if one wants to do that then one may as well just end the relationship and go your separate ways.

 

[CowardlyLion]

From my personal experience, it was better to forgive and move on, even though it was harder. He does not seem to be secure in his relationship with Christ. From what I'm understanding, he is not ready to commit to you. Again, I am making a lot of assumptions here, but it's just from my experience being a man and also being cheated on myself. I've seen all sides of it. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is a thing for a reason. Once you pass that threshold the first time, you are more likely to do it again. "I've done it once already...I'm already a bad person" etc. Sometimes people need to learn lessons the hard way (him, not you) and you will be better off in a relationship in the future that is free from infidelity.

The key thing here though is that you forgive him. Forgive, but never forget. If you don't forgive him, it's something you will hold on to for the rest of your life. It is going to feel incredibly hard to move past him, but you will be able to get through it.