He Called

[tryingtobe]

He called my job at lunch and left a message. I don't know what to think of this. I feel like he's playing games now. I said I'm not emailing anymore and now he calls. I'm so confused. then just to confuse me more, he replies to my emai that said I wasn't emailing him anymore, that I'm here for him when /if he returns home and that I'm happy for him in his new life. He replied "Thank you". What does that mean? I'm praying that God give me some clairity on this situation

 

[c1ners]

"Thank you" could mean so many different things right now. It could mean that he is truly greatful that you are giving him his space, or it could mean "thank you" for all you've done, and I'm sorry. But I would take it as the first one.

Give him his space right now. See what comes of it.

By the way, what did he say when he called?

 

[AirForceTeacher]

He may be toying with you - or he might just be confused right now - don't necessarily attribute it to malice because if you find out your wrong, you'll still have those bad feelings hanging around.

Thank you could be very sincere - he feels reassured that you are indeed there if he feels safe enough.

I'm not saying this to try to influence you one way or the other - I really don't have enougj information. I'm just telling you that hope doesn't have to be lost yet.

 

[gracefaith]

I really don't think you need to be talking to him until something changes. I don't mean to be harsh, but I would tell him that you don't want to hear from him again unless it's to reconcile or to get the name of your lawyer. He asked for space. He's getting space. No games. He can talk to you when he has something new to say.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

I really don't think you need to be talking to him until something changes. I don't mean to be harsh, but I would tell him that you don't want to hear from him again unless it's to reconcile or to get the name of your lawyer. He asked for space. He's getting space. No games. He can talk to you when he has something new to say.

 

[GutterRat]

Sooo.....I assume I'm missing something....wut happened? He just..left? I mean, Iread the other thread - but why did he leave? did he cheat on you? Or....wut?

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I really don't think you need to be talking to him until something changes. I don't mean to be harsh, but I would tell him that you don't want to hear from him again unless it's to reconcile or to get the name of your lawyer. He asked for space. He's getting space. No games. He can talk to you when he has something new to say.

I'd like offer the other side of this, or maybe the middle rather than one of the sides. See, I'm the messed up one in my relationship - I'm needy and insecure and wrapped around the axle a lot. Sure, my wife has issues, but mine control me more than hers control her. So, I kind of understand where he may be at, or where I'd be at if I were him.

IMHO, not accepting his calls at all is a mistake. Letting him call and then allowing him to control the conversation would be. If you want him back, this is a time to be tender toward him. Tender, not a doormat and not allow him to abuse you. Let him know that you miss him and you do want him back, but you guys must go to counseling, preferably before he moves back in. If he gets abusive, you need to say goodbye and let him go - for that call.

It is possible to fix this, but like others have said he has to be willing to change. I do think though that there are things you can do that invite him to want to change, and things you can do to discourage him from change.

 

[InTheFlame]

There's a book I'd really recommend right now. It's called Love Must Be Tough, by James Dobson. Funny, I'm not a big fan of anything else he's written or done, but I found this book very insightful and useful when it comes to dealing with a spouse who wants 'space'. In it, he talks about the need to take your own step back when a spouse takes a step away... because it lets them know that you respect their need, and if they're playing games, kills the game dead.

I'll repeat my previous advice on another thread - change the locks on your house, stop contacting him. I know the sheer need to know what's going on will be KILLING you... but you need to let go of him and focus on you and your daughter right now. Be prepared to let him back into your life if and when he's honestly committed to doing so... but not before. Otherwise you'll both go through a lot of extra pain.

 

[InTheFlame]

PS. I think AFT has a good point... be prepared to talk if he calls, be caring and sympathetic, but don't put up with any rubbish. A lot of people don't really understand the damage they're doing to others when they're deep in an emotional crisis - all their energy is taken up in getting through it. They can do a lot of damage if others let them, all unintentionally. Encourage him to talk to a counsellor about the problems that've caused him to run away, and don't let him get into repetitive 'feeling sorry for himself' type conversation.

 

[MaraPetra]

There's some really great advice here

Another thing which needs to be considered is a personal aspect of your marriage.

Look back over your marriage...Did you pursue, always wishing he would show more affection? Or was he the one more affectionate, and you the one more distant? Was there an addiction to porn, or other problems which would have taken his intimacy away?

(no need to answer here, but do answer it in your heart)

I ask this because it can make all the difference in how you respond to things now. First and foremost, as I said in another thread, take measures now to protect yourself. If your marriage time was spent with you trying to always get him to be more affectionate, open, etc., then now would be the time to distance yourself.

Again, this is a part of your marriage which you will have to answer to yourself.

His calling makes it sound as if he doesn't know what he wants. And, as others here have said, if he's hurting he's going to unintentionally hurt you further, if you're not careful.

 

[tryingtobe]

To answer your questions:
His phone call really said nothing. Just that he was calling and he'd be in touch another time.
As far as I know he did not have an affair.
We have been going through a tough time adjusting to married life and cultural differences and I just came home and he was gone. All his things are gone.

I spoke with a pastor last night and she really reassured me and gave me some options. We prayed together for a long time and that gave me a lot of needed strength.

I got to work this mornig and he sent me another email saying that he wants to meet with me to talk next week. I told him I will be home. I don't know what to say or do when we actually do talk.

 

[gracefaith]

Well, it sounds like you may be getting somewhere.

I think I'm being overly protective of you (maybe). Airforceteacher is probably right - that some compassion and tenderness may be the right way to take your husband's calls. In the end, you will probably both need a lot of humility and forgiveness to reconcile, so it makes sense to practice it from the outset.

Still, be careful with yourself. Part of me wants to counsel you to ask that your meeting with him be mediated by a pastor or, at least, alone in an office at the church or someplace with people nearby. My only fear is that this might scare him away. Still, at some point he WILL have to own up to everything in front of another person if you go to counseling together (which would be a good idea if you try and reconcile.)