I grew up in a non-religious home; I dont think my parents have ever set foot in a church in their lives. I guess Ive never really had the best relationship with my parents - they do their thing, I do mine.
I had a pretty normal childhood; I was a bright, bubbly kid but then during High School that all changed The first couple of years of High School were really difficult for me. My first boyfriend was depressed and suicidal, and when he started treating me really badly, I guess I felt kind of obliged to put up with it. (It was always in the back of my mind that if I ended the relationship, or even stood up for myself and told him to treat me with some kind of respect, that he could hurt/kill himself, and that I would be to blame.)
I felt like some kind of "object". I lost all the confidence I had, and became so quiet and withdrawn. I completely lost the ability to stand up for myself, because everything I said was wrong. He'd say "Is it OK if I do this?", I'd say "No", and he'd do it anyway. He called me things like "the I dunno girl", because after a while I gave up on sharing my opinion about anything, and would answer "I dunno" to everything.
It was around this time that I start cutting myself. At first, it was only small cuts and I rarely did it - only when things got really bad, but then it turned into an obsession, I guess. I couldn't stop. Several times a day I'd hack at my arms or thighs with a razor blade. A few friends found out, and I ended up having to see the school counsellor. With my confidence completely shattered, I wouldn't talk to her about anything.
You know what she did? She told my parents. They didn't have the slightest clue what I was going through, and were completely unsupportive. Basically, "stop doing it!" was all they said. Well, let me tell you... it's not that easy to just stop! I felt so alone, and the lack of support from my parents made things even worse. My dad got angry at me all the time and I remember several times when he yelled and hit me for self-harming.
I hated who I was. I was so sure that there was something wrong with me. This person who told me that he loved me, had made my life not worth living, and I blamed myself for it. I felt so worthless and alone. Suicide crossed my mind many times, but I never went through with it.
In 2005 I was accepted into Geelong Grammar School's "Timbertop" (a boarding school) which was an amazing experience, and that's when things started looking up. Things ended with my boyfriend, who was then in a psychiatric hospital, so the fear of him hurting himself wasn't as strong. I was also introduced to religion for the first time, with the compulsory chapel services... but I still didn't completely accept it. I was cutting myself less, mainly because I didn't have the time too, with the hectic schedule, and living in a boarding environment, I was sure that others would notice, and I didn't want them to think I was some kind of freak; I just wanted to fit in.
The next year things went downhill again...I suppose it's as a result of the bad relationship I had previously had and the fact that I still disliked the person I was, but I so badly craved love and acceptance from others, and went the wrong ways about finding it. I was part of the "emo" culture for a while, as some silly attempt at making me feel better. I would often get drunk, I gave up on school work, and basically I didn't care what I did. I gave up on the emo thing after a while - it wasn't making me feel any better, but I continued to look in the wrong places for "love" and was in some really hurtful relationships.
I don't really even know how it happened; I kind of just gradually wanted to find out more and more about God. All my research had me convinced, but I didn't want to accept it, because the fear of what other people would think, and my desperate need to just fit in and be accepted. Looking back now, I realise how stupid it was, but all I wanted was to fit in, to have people like and accept me to make up for the way I hated myself (...maybe then I could stop hating myself?)
I found myself spending countless hours on the internet reading about Gods amazing love and how it had transformed peoples lives. It was then that I realised how stupid it was to go blocking it out like I had been. Many stories I read had me moved to tears with how much their lives had been turned around, and I wanted that too. I realised then, that I had to stop caring so much what other people thought, and just do what I know is right.
So that night, I told God how I wanted things to change... how I wanted to let go of all the things that were bringing me down... and live my life for Jesus Christ.
And since that moment my life has completely turned around! I started going to church with my friends mother, and basically just trying to be a better person; the kind of person that God made me to be. A few friends gave me a bit of a hard time, but it was still the best thing to ever happen to me.
And you know what? ...My desperate need to be loved and accepted by others that had affected my life for so many years has gone! I can just have fun being me - the crazy, hyper person I am, without worrying what others think. Not once since that day when I let Him into my heart have a cut myself. Yes, I still feel tempted to at times, but God brings me through it. He is beyond amazing!!
Thanks for taking the time to read this, and sorry for the length of it.
God bless!
I had a pretty normal childhood; I was a bright, bubbly kid but then during High School that all changed The first couple of years of High School were really difficult for me. My first boyfriend was depressed and suicidal, and when he started treating me really badly, I guess I felt kind of obliged to put up with it. (It was always in the back of my mind that if I ended the relationship, or even stood up for myself and told him to treat me with some kind of respect, that he could hurt/kill himself, and that I would be to blame.)
I felt like some kind of "object". I lost all the confidence I had, and became so quiet and withdrawn. I completely lost the ability to stand up for myself, because everything I said was wrong. He'd say "Is it OK if I do this?", I'd say "No", and he'd do it anyway. He called me things like "the I dunno girl", because after a while I gave up on sharing my opinion about anything, and would answer "I dunno" to everything.
It was around this time that I start cutting myself. At first, it was only small cuts and I rarely did it - only when things got really bad, but then it turned into an obsession, I guess. I couldn't stop. Several times a day I'd hack at my arms or thighs with a razor blade. A few friends found out, and I ended up having to see the school counsellor. With my confidence completely shattered, I wouldn't talk to her about anything.
You know what she did? She told my parents. They didn't have the slightest clue what I was going through, and were completely unsupportive. Basically, "stop doing it!" was all they said. Well, let me tell you... it's not that easy to just stop! I felt so alone, and the lack of support from my parents made things even worse. My dad got angry at me all the time and I remember several times when he yelled and hit me for self-harming.
I hated who I was. I was so sure that there was something wrong with me. This person who told me that he loved me, had made my life not worth living, and I blamed myself for it. I felt so worthless and alone. Suicide crossed my mind many times, but I never went through with it.
In 2005 I was accepted into Geelong Grammar School's "Timbertop" (a boarding school) which was an amazing experience, and that's when things started looking up. Things ended with my boyfriend, who was then in a psychiatric hospital, so the fear of him hurting himself wasn't as strong. I was also introduced to religion for the first time, with the compulsory chapel services... but I still didn't completely accept it. I was cutting myself less, mainly because I didn't have the time too, with the hectic schedule, and living in a boarding environment, I was sure that others would notice, and I didn't want them to think I was some kind of freak; I just wanted to fit in.
The next year things went downhill again...I suppose it's as a result of the bad relationship I had previously had and the fact that I still disliked the person I was, but I so badly craved love and acceptance from others, and went the wrong ways about finding it. I was part of the "emo" culture for a while, as some silly attempt at making me feel better. I would often get drunk, I gave up on school work, and basically I didn't care what I did. I gave up on the emo thing after a while - it wasn't making me feel any better, but I continued to look in the wrong places for "love" and was in some really hurtful relationships.
I don't really even know how it happened; I kind of just gradually wanted to find out more and more about God. All my research had me convinced, but I didn't want to accept it, because the fear of what other people would think, and my desperate need to just fit in and be accepted. Looking back now, I realise how stupid it was, but all I wanted was to fit in, to have people like and accept me to make up for the way I hated myself (...maybe then I could stop hating myself?)
I found myself spending countless hours on the internet reading about Gods amazing love and how it had transformed peoples lives. It was then that I realised how stupid it was to go blocking it out like I had been. Many stories I read had me moved to tears with how much their lives had been turned around, and I wanted that too. I realised then, that I had to stop caring so much what other people thought, and just do what I know is right.
So that night, I told God how I wanted things to change... how I wanted to let go of all the things that were bringing me down... and live my life for Jesus Christ.
And since that moment my life has completely turned around! I started going to church with my friends mother, and basically just trying to be a better person; the kind of person that God made me to be. A few friends gave me a bit of a hard time, but it was still the best thing to ever happen to me.
And you know what? ...My desperate need to be loved and accepted by others that had affected my life for so many years has gone! I can just have fun being me - the crazy, hyper person I am, without worrying what others think. Not once since that day when I let Him into my heart have a cut myself. Yes, I still feel tempted to at times, but God brings me through it. He is beyond amazing!!
Thanks for taking the time to read this, and sorry for the length of it.
God bless!
