Having Second Thoughts On My Boyfriend: HELP!

[rita727]

I'm very grateful to any of you who give me advice! In short, I've been talking to 2 guys: "Damon" and "Khalil". 3 days ago, I agreed to be Damon's girlfriend, but now I'm having second thoughts an am unsure why. I'm unsure if I made a mistake, or if I have "grass is greener syndrome".



Ok, please be gentle I've been talking to these two guys: "Damon" who lives about 2 hours away right now, and "Khalil" who lives overseas.



With Khalil,we've spoken for 5 months. We talk easily. I've shared very, very personal things with him, and he with me. We have the same beliefs, career interests, and life goals. Khalil wants to be exclusive. And if all goes well, to get married, in 2 years. My two concerns for him though is that he's struggles (but is recovering) from porn and masturbation addiction. And also that he'd find someone else in his own country



With Damon, we've spoken lightly for 3 months. After our second date, I agreed to be his girlfriend 3 days ago. But after thinking it over, I'm unsure if we'd be going in the same direction spiritually. Plus when we talk we have moments of dead space--I dont know if it's a negative sign, or if its because we're both introverts or if I'm just used to free-flowing convo like my past relationships.


I'm confused. My mind stays on Khalil, on us, and how he'd feel. Tthe more I think about it, the worse I feel about being in a relationship right now. (I'm unsure if I feel bad over already agreeing to be Damon's girlfriend, or bad for possibly hurting either of their feelings or both). When I've shared my problem with others, they said that it'd better to stick with Damon since we're closer and isfrom the same culture. But, to me, Khalil is a great guy and is willing to make things work also; plus, there's few guys like him

I know I'm horrible for thinking of Khalil when I'm with my new boyfriend. I dont know if I have a case of "is the grass greener syndrome" or, if in my heart, I really want Khalil instead. Please help me!

 

[iamauthentic]

dont beat urself about thinking about the one dude while dating the other. my advice is to break up with damon tho. if you guys keep dating and end up in a relationship for an extended period of time and ur still thinking about the other dude, then that is emotional cheating. but right now, yall just started a relationship. things are still casual. no worries.

my advice, however, is to break up with him. i mean whats the point? honestly, it seems like you are REALLY wanting to be in a relationship. why? ur 23! ur settling for this damon dude cuz hes convenient and the other guy who u like more is not as convenient. never settle. NEVER settle.

me .02

 

[goddard12]

It sounds to me like your heart is trying to tell you to be with Khalil, yet you are afraid of trusting that relationship because of the distance so you have settled on Damen instead. You don't feel like you have the same connection with Damen as you do with Khalil. Not only that, but your conscience seems to be telling you the same thing. Good luck with your decision, but even if you aren't with Khalil, I think that you should end the relationship with Damen anyway since the feeling don't seem to be there. Better to hurt him a little now than stick with him and hurt him later on since you are so unsure.

 

[rita727]

dont beat urself about thinking about the one dude while dating the other. my advice is to break up with damon tho. if you guys keep dating and end up in a relationship for an extended period of time and ur still thinking about the other dude, then that is emotional cheating. but right now, yall just started a relationship. things are still casual. no worries.

my advice, however, is to break up with him. i mean whats the point? honestly, it seems like you are REALLY wanting to be in a relationship. why? ur 23! ur settling for this damon dude cuz hes convenient and the other guy who u like more is not as convenient. never settle. NEVER settle.

me .02

Thanks for your honesty. Wow, that really went over my head: as far as convience. I really do like Khalil but sometimes I'm not sure if my uncertainty is because of... my likeness for him, or because I know he'd want us to be together and I know it'd break his heart now. ...Also he's told me he's recovering from sexual addictions. I know we all have hangups, yes. But, as far as long distance relationships, I'm unsure if it'd be wise to add that also. Masturbating and porn can only do so much before you want more.....

:-/

It sounds to me like your heart is trying to tell you to be with Khalil, yet you are afraid of trusting that relationship because of the distance so you have settled on Damen instead. You don't feel like you have the same connection with Damen as you do with Khalil. Not only that, but your conscience seems to be telling you the same thing. Good luck with your decision, but even if you aren't with Khalil, I think that you should end the relationship with Damen anyway since the feeling don't seem to be there. Better to hurt him a little now than stick with him and hurt him later on since you are so unsure.

I have deeper feelings for Khalil because we've spoken more consistently and talkabout deeper personal things. I'd hate for him to disappear, especially since I've told him things I havent even shared with my family. With my conscience, I dont know what it wants: whether its really telling me to be with Khalil or if my conscience is beating me because me and Khalil talked about being together romantically before he formally asked if we could. It's possible I could develop a deeper connection with Damon, but I'm unsure. When we talk, like I said, there's dead space. I hate dead space. With my ex boyfriends conversation flowed. I didnt feel like I had to scrape up things to say sometimes. :-/

You bring up a good point Goddard. It's possible that neither of them are it

 

[dysert]

With Damon, we've spoken lightly for 3 months. After our second date, I agreed to be his girlfriend 3 days ago. But after thinking it over, I'm unsure if we'd be going in the same direction spiritually. Plus when we talk we have moments of dead space--I dont know if it's a negative sign, or if its because we're both introverts or if I'm just used to free-flowing convo like my past relationships.

Granted it's been a while since I've been in your shoes, but it seems to me that going exclusive after the 2nd date is somewhat premature. Regardless of the connection you have with Khalil, it doesn't seem like you're off to such a good start with Damon. Like a previous poster advised, I'd back out of the exclusivity arrangement and take some time to see what develops.

 

[turkle]

It doesn't sound like you are ready for any kind of relationship.

You haven't known either for long, it sounds like you've never even met one of them, and you can't decide what you want. It sounds to me that you just want to have somebody, and the perception that you can choose between the two has you confused. It's clear that there is no love in any of it.

I think you would benefit from stepping back from both of them and spend time asking God what He has for you.

 

[rita727]

It doesn't sound like you are ready for any kind of relationship.

You haven't known either for long, it sounds like you've never even met one of them, and you can't decide what you want. It sounds to me that you just want to have somebody, and the perception that you can choose between the two has you confused. It's clear that there is no love in any of it.

I think you would benefit from stepping back from both of them and spend time asking God what He has for you.

What gave the impression that I hadnt met either of them? I've met Damon. As for Khalil, I havent met him because he lives overseas right now.

I believe I have to choose because that's what I'd want a guy to do if the shoe were on the other foot.

You're right. I will do that. Thank you for your kind words

 

[iambren]

I wouldn't bet a nickel on either one. K. lives to far away and has too many "issues". Damon doesn't have the spark and lives far away too.

Phase them both out, talk less, and find a guy closer that makes your heart sing!

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I don't think either of them are right for you.

 

[seashale76]

I wouldn't bet a nickel on either one. K. lives to far away and has too many "issues". Damon doesn't have the spark and lives far away too.

Phase them both out, talk less, and find a guy closer that makes your heart sing!

^This. 'Nuff said.

 

[turkle]

What gave the impression that I hadnt met either of them? I've met Damon. As for Khalil, I havent met him because he lives overseas right now.

That's exactly what I said.

The truth is, this is an extremely immature way to go about a relationship. Love grows when you spend lots of time together getting to know each other on a deep level. What you are doing, from what you've said, is finding guys who show any level of interest in you and trying to pick one.

If either "relationship" was as God intended, you would not have the quandary of trying to figure out one to choose. You don't shop for men like you do for a car. A mature relationship is based upon God's will, a deep connection and sharing of values, love and deep respect. None of that appears to be even a possibility here.

It is so important to choose a mate based upon values. To do otherwise is a desperate impulse that sets you up for heartache. Please respect yourself more and allow God to show you the right partner. Not the most convenient one.

 

[shiftyQ]

When it comes to any relationship in life, whether it is romance, friendship or work, there is a piece of advice that I give myself and live by. If you are wondering whether something is right or wrong, it is wrong. This is because when something is right there is no room for doubt to dwell.

 

[Wagonmaker]

I think you need to remain non-committed. That way you are not doing anything wrong. You are obviously not sure who to be with, so play the field. Nothing wrong with that!