Having difficulties... severe guilt

[GoggleEyes18]

Hi everyone! I'm new here, but I'm in the need of some counsel/advice from some fellow Christians.

Basically this all goes back to about 5 weeks ago to the week before I got married. I was in my church service and my pastor was teaching on a series about affair proofing your life. He had said a statement that "if you think about a person while you're doing your hair, you're emotionally attached to them". My mind immediately went to a time where I was doing my hair before work and thought what a person at work would think about my hair. I do not have any interest in this person at all, which is what really threw me for a loop. This sermon happened the week before I got married, and it was really taking a toll on me (I couldn't concentrate on anything else except for this whole situation) so I talked to my fiance. He told me it was okay and I can't control a thought and that just because I had a thought I wasn't somehow cheating on him (which is what was bothering me), and for a bit the feeling of guilt went away. Then the day after we got married, the guilt from this whole situation came back.

I talked to my husband again and he said that it could be a form of spiritual warfare from the devil since we're a young Christian couple that serves the Lord and just got married. That being said, I continue to feel guilt about this, and about many other things, every single day. It's not a conviction of the Lord because even after presenting this situation to the Lord, I continually felt condemned and actually started feeling depressed. That being said, I really feel like its an attack of the devil, but no matter what I do, I can't escape a day without thinking about this or escaping the guilt I feel. I think I feel the guilt because I feel like since I had this thought, I am somehow lusting after him and am somehow cheating on my spouse. The thought of cheating sickens me though, so the fact I had this thought that according to my pastors statement could lead to an affair makes me feel absolutely sick to my stomach. Any advice would be great! Thanks and God bless!

 

[Autumnleaf]

Maybe your hair is stylish and you're just wondering if people will recognize it.

 

[Girlee]

I think you are taking this a bit too far, as to what your pastor said.
Saying you are emotionally attached to someone does not mean you are cheating, or that you are even thinking of cheating. You should not take this as that you did anything wrong. Take it as a warning sign if anything.
Think of it this way:
You thought about this person while you are doing your hair. Which means you care about this person's opinion. Which means you have (innocent) feelings for this person. However, there is a possibility that this COULD turn into something more. So just watch it with that person. Be more diligent of your feelings, keeping a watch over them.
Basically, don't take that comment as you actually DID something wrong. After all, being emotionally attached to someone is a good thing--we are emotionally attached to good friends, and family. That is a wonderful thing. But just be aware of that emotional attachment, and don't let it turn into anything more. Things like that could sneak up on you. You're married--not dead. Just take it as a warning sign, take appropriate precautions, and move on with your life. You have actually not done anything wrong here. No guilt necessary.

 

[Girlee]

and congrats on the new marriage!!

 

[ub4me]

I've had worse thoughts that never lead to an affair... when we have bad thoughts we are to take them captive, but that wasn't even a bad thought, sounds like a fairly innocent one. now it would be different if your fixing your hair in a way to become more alluring to this person, but as you said you have no intrest that way.
And God knows the inent of your heart.

Hbr 4:12 For the word of God [is] quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and [is] a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

Rom 8:1 [There is] therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.

 

[Faith Hope& Love]

I agree with the other ladies who have posted so far. I think you are being a bit hard on yourself and over-analyzing what happened. It seems like you were not even aware of thinking of the other individual until the pastor mentioned it and suddenly now you are afraid that you have done something wrong. It doesn't sound like you consciously had intentions toward this other man, but even if you had, you have repented and now it is time to forgive yourself as you have already been forgiven by God and your spouse.

 

[DoctorJosh]

I think you are feeling some guilt because it is not what you would want your boyfriend (now your husband) to do. When women are single they are used to trying to look good and get other peoples attention, for the most part just looking good and hopefully get some good reviews on your styles, hair, makeup, and the over all appearance. So, now you are married and you still feel guilty. You should look only forward since the day you were married, that is the day you committed yourself to one man (your husband). Don't let the past affect you, as everyone has a rippled past for the most part and when they marry someone the past is forgiven if they just forgive themselves and ask God for Forgiveness it is like a clean new slate. The only one it might affect is your new spouse, but if they didn't know about all the past events before you got married and then find out, that is something that should have been shared in the getting to know you part. However, this is just a thought and nothing of action took place other than you did your hair. You have nothing to feel really guilty about seriously.
There was no date with the hair stylist, there was no sin committed, so put it in the past and enjoy your new marriage with Honor, Dignity and Love.

 

[Avniel]

The fact that you are going so hard on this I think your husband is a lucky guy most women wouldn't have thought twice about. But I do respect that you want your thoughts as well as your body to honor God. That is amazing I think from the sounds of it you are a virtuous woman. Just dont think of my answer while you're brushing your teeth lol.....just trying to lighting things up a little. But naw dont worry marriage is something to get used to...I'm actually thinking about asking the question any ways good luck

 

[heron]

My mind immediately went to a time where I was doing my hair before work and thought what a person at work would think about my hair. I do not have any interest in this person at all, which is what really threw me for a loop.

You thought about this person while you are doing your hair. Which means you care about this person's opinion.

It is not necessarily about desire -- sometimes it is fear-based. Still about approval, but you might also be concerned about living up to standards.

We fear being insulted by people that we respect, or people that we have heard criticize others before. That is not lust in the slightest, but we can even misinterpret that into wanting their attention -- even to the point of ending up in abusive relationships.

Look at the teen dynamics of wanting to befriend people who insult others. They set high standards. We want to prove that we meet those high standards, and take this on as a challenge. Being popular means you have beat the condemnation and have risen through the ranks.

Take this into adulthood and doing your hair. Maybe it's innocent desire, but maybe it's keeping your standards high. Staying approved.

The pastor does have a point, though. Look at how many people fall for leaders and celebrities. People want to attach themselves to something great. The pastor sees it all in counseling, including people who are obsessed about him/her.

Totally on a different track -- sometimes God brings people to mind so that you will pray for them. Write these thoughts down, and you will probably see they correspond with struggles the people are going through.

 

[vesperluna]

I agree with Heron- to me, it sounds like your problem here is fear, whether that be fear for your own or your husband's faithfulness.

Thinking about someone whilst doing your hair is certainly not a sin! If the Bible does not say it's sinful, then it isn't So your guilt is unnecessary. Your pastor may simply be cautioning, however it is more important to read God's word to work out what is and isn't faithfulness in marriage, that should make your confusion clearer.

The real question you need to ask yourself if why are you so afraid? Why are you so concerned about your own ability to be faithful to your husband? Or perhaps, are you concerned about his faithfulness? I think this is the real discussion you and your husband need to have with each other and with God.

And remember, we no longer need to feel guilt, because through Christ we have been forgiven. Feelings of guilt and condemnation burden us, but we must remember that sin is no longer our master, we are forgiven. Christ took away our guilt . So ask for God to take away your guilt, and try to get to the root of the problem. Pray for wisdom and guidance!

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus
Romans 8:1

 

[heron]

Feelings of guilt and condemnation burden us, but we must remember that sin is no longer our master, we are forgiven.

So true. What was the main difference between Christianity and Judaism? God provided a way of forgiveness for our sins! That is good news. Take hold of it and hang on.

 

[sleavie]

Your pastor is wrong to say that.

Allowing the thought of lust to stay there in your head and to think about it, that's the bad thing. Day dreaming about cheating is bad. Because what you focus on, your mind automatically gets to work on making it happen. It's a law of the brain which God has created. It's why God scattered all those guys that were making that temple and God made them all speak different languages. It's because their belief made them able to do things.

Ok. satan will make you feel guilt. Guilt is a weapon he uses often. He can even use bible versus to guilt you into doing something that God doesn't want you to do. So be mindful of what God wants for you.

Now, the battle agasinst satan can take hours even days. But the instant that negative thought comes into your head, rebuke satan. Tell the truth to satan and point out that his negative thought is a lie. Then reafirm your thankfulness to God for the deliverance and blessing that he has for you. Fill your mind with thankfulness to God for all the blessings he has given you.

Your communication with your husband is God blessed and awesome. I have holy spirit chills just thinking about how blessed you are. And you have nothing to worry about at all. Just enjoy slapping down satan's attacks and fill yourself with the joy of the lord for he is with you and leading you to blessing in abundance, always.

 

[Emmy]

Dear GoggleEyes18. You had some good replies, and you need Jesus to free you from these crafty satanic insinuations. Take all to the Lord, explain to Him and leave All at Jesus` feet. And then be strong and do not pick those thoughts up again. Imagine our Lord and keep laying these harrowing thoughts back at His Feet. Do NOT pick them up again. Ask for the Lord`s strenght und tell those demons to leave you alone: do it again and again if necessary. And always remember: at the name of Jesus the Devil and all satanic beings will flee. Jesus has vanquiished Satan at Golgotha, yet Satan will try and try again to pretend that he is still strong, and Satan is no danger to those who love our Saviour. I say this with love, GoggleEyes. Greetings from Emmy, your sister in Christ.

 

[Johnnz]

Real guilt yields to confession - false guilt (ie not from God) stays with us. Seems you have the latter. Why?

a) preaching can be a rich source of unnecessary guilt.
b) we are sensitive and want to please God, so we are open to it.
c) we haven't fully sorted out really sensible values. Thus we can get a bit confused or uncertain and that feeds a)-c)

John
NZ