Having a real issue bringing up my son. HELP

[Guyfromni]

I am married with 2 kids, a son 6 and daughter 2, Me an my son are having real issues, and he regularly says he hates me, I put it down to the way I was brought up and I admit I am a bad father but don't know how to change.

My parents where strict, I wasn't allowed outside to play on Sundays for example as it was the Lords day, I could never do anything right and never got any praise, this resulted in me developing depression and anxiety and using drugs to make myself feel better.

Now its my turn to be a parent and I'm turning out exactly like mine, I'm not strict like they where but I do shout at my son alot and then I feel so guilty after it, I never give praise and even my wife notices he seems to set out to set me off as I am so easily annoyed, My wife says we are to alike

I just don't know what to do to do right, If I keep going like this he will grow up hating me like I still do my parents, The ironic thing here is my kids adore my parents and my parents adore my kids.

HELP, I'm fed up being the bad guy.

 

[McScribe]

I found these things helpful.

1. I pray about being a Dad and about being a husband regularly; I do my best to bring my concerns before the Lord and open my heart and mind to His instruction and advice.

2. I apologize if I lose my temper; I make it clear that it is not acceptable behavior and take responsibility before my actions.

3. I make clear rules with clear consequences, and expect that the kids will need them. For example things like disobedience, rudeness, etc should be given known consequences; things that the kids could not possibly have known about must be explained to be wrong and given consequences in future if necessary.

4. Remember you are in charge; the kids MUST obey for their own good. Gradual independence is what is needed--one day your son will be a man for example and it's your job to teach him to have character and make good decisions. So believing this means that you don't have to lose your temper; you know you are in charge and so you can be calm even if being screamed at with defiance.

5. Have humility--you will make mistakes. It's not making no mistakes that is the issue but rather whether or not you have the humility to learn better.

 

[PolarBear3]

You don't sound like a bad father to me. You know your son is having a hard time and you want to be a better father to him - I think that's the sign of a good father.

I think something to ask yourself is, what did you want from your parents that you didn't get? How do you wish you were raised differently? And then try to give that kind of parenting to your son.

You said you didn't receive praise from your parents. I think kids really crave that from their parents. And if they can't get praise, they will usually settle for any kind of attention they can get - even if it's negative. So you might want to start by finding something positive to say to your son each day about something he has done. If you're having trouble finding something, ask your wife to point out something to you. Sometimes these things can be hard to notice if you're not used to looking for them and/or if your son is setting you off.

The other thing I would suggest is that if you find that you're shouting at your son, give yourself a timeout. I used to do this when my son was going through an angry stage (he was 5 or 6) because I didn't like shouting at him so much and yet it was really hard not to. Going into my room and closing the door for a couple of minutes helped me get calm again so that I could talk to him instead of shout. And I think it showed him a healthy way of handling anger.

Does any of that help?

 

[Inkachu]

You already know what the problem is - your parenting. The problem isn't your 6 year old child; a child of that age's behavior is based on 1) what he can get away with and 2) what he sees demonstrated by his caretakers.

Therefore, you know what the solution is - to change your parenting. You've admitted you shout at your son and don't praise him. Start there. Make it a purposeful choice to praise something he does every day, turn it into a habit just like brushing your teeth. When you find yourself raising your voice, make another purposeful choice to stop in your tracks, close your mouth, take a breath, and if you need to, leave the room until you calm down. Don't be too proud to ask your son to forgive you, too.

You know what the problem is. You know what the solutions are. You don't really need advice, you need to make some hard choices about yourself and your conduct. It's all going to boil down to you and what you decide to do.

 

[tiredwalker]

Here are a few things I've gleened from my own experiences that might help you:

1. When I'm about to yell, I realize it's not going to fix the problem. What will fix the problem is consistency. I get up, get down on my child's level, and speak very firmly (not angry and not yelling). Then we do a time out or whatever is appropriate.

2. I realize that children often misbehave when they a) are bored b) feel like they don't get enough attention. They didn't ask to be born, but we made them. So, we must put our interests/busy lives aside for an hour or so a day and spend time with them. DH and I do the following on a regular basis: coloring, reading, rough housing, playing with playdoh, going outside and kicking a ball, going to a park, going to a museum (spending money on a yearly membership is worth every penny), and playing monster of course.

3. You need to praise your son. Make a conscious effort to do it at least 10 time a day (seriously, keep count) until it becomes second nature. Just do it for everyday things like tying his shoes, brushing his teeth with out being asked, coloring a picture, or saying thank you.

4. Children's lack of maturity can be annoying to many people, but they are learning maturity. Quite frankly, being annoyed at a small child for doing what small children do is immature on the adult's part. You need to squelch that and learn to enjoy this stage in his life.

5. Give your son and daughter affection! Chase them around the house, catch them in your arms, and give them a kiss in between tickles! You have no idea how much love they will feel and how much self confidence that will give them.

My husband also had issues with his parents in a similar way to you. It spurred him to do just the opposite. Though he does work a lot, he makes sure that he plays with our daughter everyday. They have a night time routine that she just adores. He chases her around the entire upstairs and she chases him. He rough houses with her and gives her big kisses and reads to her. Then she goes to bed and is the most contented child.

You can do it, it just takes a thoughtful effort.

 

[TaterFaith]

I am married with 2 kids, a son 6 and daughter 2, Me an my son are having real issues, and he regularly says he hates me, I put it down to the way I was brought up and I admit I am a bad father but don't know how to change.

My parents where strict, I wasn't allowed outside to play on Sundays for example as it was the Lords day, I could never do anything right and never got any praise, this resulted in me developing depression and anxiety and using drugs to make myself feel better.

Now its my turn to be a parent and I'm turning out exactly like mine, I'm not strict like they where but I do shout at my son alot and then I feel so guilty after it, I never give praise and even my wife notices he seems to set out to set me off as I am so easily annoyed, My wife says we are to alike

I just don't know what to do to do right, If I keep going like this he will grow up hating me like I still do my parents, The ironic thing here is my kids adore my parents and my parents adore my kids.

HELP, I'm fed up being the bad guy.

You don't sound like a bad father to me either! You know how many of us parents have shouted at our kids and felt horrible after? 99.9% we are just human. I am sorry you came up like that. Parenting is hard especially when they hit puberty. I have a 16 year old and a 13 year old. 2 teens!!!!! I'm gonna tell you, it's hard. My upbringing was not the greatest either but I realize that I can't base my parenting skills on how I was raised. If I do that, then my kids are in big trouble. It is a choice. Why that little fella is saying he hates you, I don't know. Mine may say it under their breath if the truth were known. But they would not say it to my face. This is tough and maybe if you just talk to him and hopefully he will open up as to why he is lashing out at you. Be sure and spend time with him, it's so important. I have 4 kids and 1 on the way. Ages 2, 7, 13, and 16. I make it a point to do something with each one individually. It's means so much and gives us time to talk and one does not feel like he is competing with the other. We don't do it often, but we try. God bless you and I'm gonna keep ya'll in my prayers. Please keep us posted.

 

[LovesToBless]

You've been getting really good advice here already.

I glanced through what people said and may have missed this, but in case I didn't, I'd like to add a bit.

Plan something fun for just you and your son. Something he especially likes to do. Hopefully you like to do it too...but throw yourself into it, even if you don't. Rough and tumble if that's what he's like...if he's a quieter kid, then maybe the playground or a walk in the woods or something. Just some special dad and son time. (I'd plan it with your daughter too, not meaning to leave her out, but another time for just her.) A lot of boys like to get dirty...but they don't all, so just really notice what he likes to do and go with that.

I totally agree with saying your sorry when you've done something wrong. Say a small prayer with him and give him a hug and tell him you love him...even if he doesn't say it back.

My husband was NOT close to his dad at all, sadly. And you know what....he is super close to our son, who is now 22. He worked at being different than his parents were and now he and our son both work at it...so don't give up hope. It's great that you want to improve and take it one day at a time. We all want to be loved, but no one does it perfectly...we all make mistakes.

Most of all, ask God to help you do the right things. He will for certain.