Having a hard time

[Gnarwhal]

The last eight months have been very difficult. For 1-2 years up until last August I had spent a lot of time researching, exploring, experiencing, talking and generally familiarizing myself with a few different apostolic churches. First Orthodoxy, then Roman Catholicism and then Anglicanism.

In August my wife and I split up and last March the divorce was finalized. Throughout the last eight months I've found that I've been unable to make a commitment to anything. I thought being on my own would remove some of the former obstacles I was encountering in joining an apostolic church, but once those "obstacles" were no longer there, my drive disappeared.

I've been struggling to affirm things that I've always believed, and even wrestled off and on with agnosticism - never fully willing to reject the existence of God.

I'm just not sure where I align best? I struggle with my position on sin and morality and I'm unsure whether that's because I'm trying to vindicate myself somehow or if I truly believe a more liberal view. I kind of occupy a centrist view on most social issues, I tend to like more traditional worship but I'm not sure how I feel about being "bound" to tradition itself. I like scholasticism, and evaluating all the titans of the faith from Irenaeus to Thomas Aquinas to Martin Luther, but I also appreciate the social focus some contemporary churches and teachers like Mars Hill Bible Church and Rob Bell, respectively, have - especially when it comes to helping others.

I come from an evangelical background that got really weird near the end of my 22+ year tenure at my old church. Before it went all whackadoodle charismatic they had a strong emphasis on global missions, which is what I grew up with and is very important.

I don't know if any of that pieces together well, but I'm seeing the toll on my faith that I'm taking for not having a "home". I resolved to refrain from seeking a church until after I'm laid off from my job - which is looking like mid May. Until then it's just too difficult to go to church Sunday morning when I work until 1am.

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions?

I posted this thread here because I felt it would be the most objective, nobody criticizing apostolic Christianity or trying to deliver a sales pitch on their church.

Thanks all!

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[Thekla]

Don't know if this is good advice or not, but it sounds like you need a "rest". You've been through a rough time, and trying to force a decision at this point wouldn't be possible for me at least, unless I had a clear indication from God. And given the circumstances, it seems the "aaaargh" (complete with holding one's head while arghing) factor just adds to the issue (creating a greater aargh). (Pardon me for inadequately translating myself from comic-book panel )

If I were you, keep to prayer and healing a bit. Sometimes, just "shutting up" (not thinking too much with a deadline in mind) allows things to get clearer ...

Not much to offer, but will add prayer fwiw

 

[Gnarwhal]

That's excellent Thekla, thank you. I think you're right, I do need to take a break, I just don't know how to "shut off". My minds always on theological stuff.

Oh and I totally got the "aaaagh" reference, made me think of The Peanuts.

Thanks for the prayers too, I really appreciate them.

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[Tigger45]

Seriously I've been right where you're at so I went to talk to a priest about it. I told him I had a lot of stress and explained to him all the theological concepts I had tried to cure my situation. He told me to quit all of the theology and just "read" the gospels and take a half an hour of quite time for myself a day and it has helped. Contemplative prayer helps also. I use the Rosary but find what works for you. Sometimes we need to explore the Lord more with our spirits rather than with our minds. Hope this helps

 

[Gnarwhal]

Seriously I've been right where you're at so I went to talk to a priest about it. I told him I had a lot of stress and explained to him all the theological concepts I had tried to cure my situation. He told me to quit all of the theology and just "read" the gospels and take a half an hour of quite time for myself a day and it has helped. Contemplative prayer helps also. I use the Rosary but find what works for you. Sometimes we need to explore the Lord more with our spirits rather than with our minds. Hope this helps

I hear ya, that's where I've been going wrong - my pursuit has been 100% intellectual, 0% spiritual but I think I almost forget how to be in tune with my own spirit, let alone the Holy Spirit. I like the advice your priest gave you, I need to set aside more quiet time. Between my job (50hrs/week), class, and everything else my world has been absolute chaos. Having quiet time and simply reading the gospel sounds sublime.

Was the contemplative prayer your priest suggested something like Lectio Divina? I've read a little about that on the local monasteries website but that's all.

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[Doctor Strangelove]

I agree with what the others have said. You have had quite a stressful, hurtful time. Just allow yourself some time to rest. Don't pressure yourself to make a decision real soon about church. Maybe go on a vacation if you can afford one and just get away from your surroundings for awhile. It does not have to be anything expensive or really busy or special or anything.

 

[Erose]

The only thing I would add here, is that somehow and someway you should try to go to Church. Christians are not made to be alone. We need our brethren, and without our brethren we eventually stumble and fall. We speak of Christ being there for us when we fall; but many times we forget or don't realize that normally Christ comes to us in our brothers and sisters. Catholic theology speaks of persona Christi, when referring to priests and the Sacraments; but it should also be pointed out that all Christians are called to act in the Person of Christ as well. Right now it doesn't matter which Church you go to on Sundays, but you should go. You speak of having to work early in the morning, but many Catholic Churches have Saturday and/or Sunday evening services you can go to if it is more convenient. I think that this would be more difficult with an Orthodox Church, but you may find one with an evening Vespers service. I am not sure about Anglicans though, maybe someone else can advise you on this.

There is more than one reason why Christ used the imagery of us being sheep in a common sheepfold. We are safer together, and not very safe when we are apart. Wolves chase down the loners, don't forget that.

Anyway, if this is impossible, then I would highly recommend finding someone to talk to. Particularly a priest or deacon or spiritual advisor. You need to get this stuff off you chest, and let someone else help you carry your burdens until you are strong enough to do so yourself.

 

[graceandpeace]

I agree with others, give yourself some rest. I do understand about having theology on the brain - I had been (& to some extent still have been) seeking to learn more as I looked for & now move forward with a church home. I know when one is a "thinker" it is hard to just turn that off, but maybe just taking quiet time to find peace in prayer & reading Scripture is the best right now. I hope you find healing & rest.

 

[Joseph Hazen]

This is a really common issue, and my advice is always the same: take a bath. Do something really relaxing. Take a really hot bath, or watch some stupid TV show that cracks you up, or eat a dinner you really like, or read a book that has nothing to do with theology.

C.S. Lewis described theology as the map, whereas the actual road is life. The map is only helpful if you apply it to the road, but its also possible to pursue the road with just the road and experience. In fact, that can be better, because staring at a map will never get you to town, but working it out on the road will. Don't get too caught up on the map.

If my mind gets so wound up on intellectual things that I can't sleep and keep running over the same thoughts again and again, I have to sit quietly and consciously imagine my brain relaxing, or being washed, to sort of rinse my brain of "too much." I know, it sounds crazy, but it works if you just can't quit.

All joys are spiritual, everything legitimately good is of God, so don't feel guilty about not applying yourself to the Big Issue if you're just drinking a glass of wine or having a smoke - you're still experiencing the Issue, but in a different way. Don't, however, start analyzing your rest and applying a theological lens through which you're experiencing pleasures; that's the same problem you're having and it's an insidious trap. If the thoughts come up, just recognize and accept the thought, but don't fight it or feed it. Let it wash over you. Ultimately though, try to focus on relaxing your mind and body and do something completely stupid and fun.