I posted this tonight, but will share it with you...Lots of people live with doubts about Gods love, and acceptance.
I can only share with you what God has done for me, in hopes that it will cause you to look to him. I met Jesus in the 1970's I had a rare and dramatic conversion (at least that is what Christians tell me).
But by the end of 75 I had accidentally disobeyed a spoken word... Let me explain.
I had gone to visit a dearly loved Christian brother, he was like a father to me. He and his wife were like my spiritual parents. Anyway, the weekend I went to see him, his wife was gone away to school for 3 weeks. He was so lonely for company, he asked me to go to dinner with him
Immediately the Lord spoke (just like hearing someone standing next to you, and speaking to you, but no one else hears it) and the Lord said "do not go". Immediately I told Bob "I can't go" he said "Oh Rod please go with me, I don't want to eat alone".
Now this restaurant served liquor, and I thought that was what the Lord was worried about. So, I said "Oh Lord you know me I don't drink"... So off we go to the restaurant.
Soon after we get there, a brother who was really struggling with alcohol, came into the restaurant, his name was Augie, he immediately started proclaiming we didn't like him because he was Puerto Rican, we claimed that was silly, and not true.
Well this started a fight, I was just a kid, and he took a swing at me, Bob stepped in between and got hit, they were fighting. I couldn't believe it, and couldn't watch it. I started to walk away, but when I did Bob felt betrayed, and said "If you walk, you might as well go all the way home". Oh man that cut like a knife.
The next morning, I had to leave, but the Lord spoke and said "tell Bob you forgive him, and give him a hug". But I refused, I said "Lord I can't, it hurts to bad". So, I left for home 3000 miles away.
Oh man, when I got home, what a mess I created. My life seemed to fall apart. I felt like Hudson Taylor the missionary to China, who said one day sin and troubles became so apparent, so overwhelming he didn't know what to do. Well that was me, sin and lust in total control, and it just wouldn't let up, nor let me go.
I spent (30+) years in this sin and a spiritual wilderness that seemed God had died or left me completely alone, as if He hated me for disobeying Him. (Of course, none of this was true, I know that now). I was crushed, I confessed my sins to God and anyone who would listen. I felt for sure I was on my way to hell.
I even fasted for 30 days one time, I wrote men of God, I cried, shouted, pleaded with God, got angry, desperate, I just can't share enough what this did to me. The silence was killing me.
But I continued on, working, raising my family, going to school, going to church, tithing, and nothing helped.
But never once was I unaware of two things God wanted to change, one was my sin, the other was the fact that I wasn't trusting Him as I went thru this wilderness and sin trial. Then…
One day Jesus shows up, His presence so real you though he was going to appear bodily. And then He spoke.... It happened like this.
I'm driving, and lusting. I cry out to God, where are you, why aren't you helping me with this!
All of a sudden, I hear this statement "why don't you tell me the truth". I say "what truth"…Then my understanding is opened and I SEE!
I say OK Lord… "I don't want you to interfere, I love my sin and while I'm troubled about it, I don't want you to interfere" leave my sin alone.
Do you know what happened? I somehow forgot all those thoughts about sin and lust, if they came back I would confess this new-found truth and somehow my mind would be distracted again.
This went on for a few days, and then I found myself free.
This reminds me of a guy named Tommy Williams from the 70's…A brother walks up to Tommy complaining that he can't stop smoking.
Tommy says "brother when Jesus is ready for you to stop, then you will. A few days later that brother was so excited, because he found himself free a few days later.
NOW what does all of this show me…
It shows me we do NOT know truth UNTIL it is revealed to us, and most importantly "Truth is a person", and that person makes us free.
Now onto the issue of Trust.
I just couldn't do it, I agreed I needed to, but I just couldn't find it, I had no emotional connection to this issue of trust. Oh, I could say the words "I trust you Lord". But not with emotion, not with a full heart.
You know what I mean, about an emotional connection, so they just weren't empty words right?
Look it's like a man saying to a woman "yea sure I love you" she knows he doesn't mean it.
BUT if he says "I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART" and If I live, and I live without you, then I will surly die. My day begins with you, and it ends with you. Life is nothing without you.
That is a statement with emotion behind it, and it's real.
This is why God wants us to experience Him. Do you think after the walls of Jericho fell that those men ran home, and said "the walls fell down, big deal"? No, they were telling everyone the mighty works of God and how wonderful He was.
So back to my story… It happened similar to the sin issue, I was driving, and was again all alone. I was listening to a CD (Led Zeppelin) it was blaring loud.
Once again, I heard Him speak. He said "You still aren't trusting me". I said "I know it Lord, I just can't find it, I don't have the strength or will" ALL of a sudden, it's as if something was poured into me and I understood.
*Remember I hated this empty spiritual wilderness I was in, I just HATED IT with a passion.
To my surprise I hear myself say "Lord this place, this wilderness, it is the perfect place for me, it was the best choice that you made for me" (yes, I sinned, and it was my fault… But I for some reason needed to learn to trust him, by going thru this).
I finished by saying "Lord I just trust you, with all my heart"
So that is what God did for me, he removed these two mountains out of my life, when I could not.
