haunted and cursed....

[Musician4Jesus]

To be honest this is how I've felt with my life since 2005. Yes I know I've made previous posts similar to this, but that's because in the past two years, my life has essentially eroded and been uprooted from what I knew for years.

In 2005, all the close fellowship I had with brothers and sisters and Christ vanished. People became married and pursued their own paths for their careers. They became so absorbed with their lives that essentially the relationships I had have vanished into dust. Yes I am referring to Christians. Either this, or they went to college out of state to prepare for the career they believe "God had called them to".

As much as I attempted contact with them, the relationships have been steadily drifting since 2005. By this I mean, I call them and if they're not available I would leave a message on the voice mail
of their cell and request for them to please return the call. Shock
of all shocks they were (and still are) so busy with their own lives
they can't even bother to return a call.

I know for the past couple of years in my life my happiness has
vanished as well. This is because everything I love, my old life that was semi-decent to me, has been uprooted in every aspect of the word. I will not lie and say I'm fine; in many ways I've abandoned hope, I'm lonely, I'm angry, I'm cynical, and I'm tired.

This is mostly because of where I live. I haven't liked living here since I moved. Unfortunately due to financial circumstances at the time, it wasn't feasible for me to continue living where I used to reside.

With the job I had, the income I made wasn't enough to
cover cost-of-living expenses and living in an apartment. It wasn't
feasible for me to find a roommate, because all the friends I knew
had gone to college out-of-state or we're married and building
a future for themselves. I asked around at church if it was feasible
for somebody to help me find a place to live, and that went over
like a lead balloon. It's not that they didn't want to help; it's just
that it wasn't feasible for them.

I have felt like I'm in wasteland ever since I moved where I currently
live (this was in August of 2006). Everything that could go wrong, DID go wrong. By this I mean I had a decent job (income was good, except when my hours were cut), a church where the sermons
preached were biblical and I could apply the message taught
to my life, and there were various ways for me to serve God.
I also was able to take music lessons which I loved.

Ever since I moved here, ALL of that has been taken from me.
I don't have any friends and making friends here proves to
be quite difficult because I don't know anybody here.

I can't take music lessons because the only place I can take lessons
is not close to where I live, and because of the distance is a hassle
to get to and from them. The places that offer music lessons are only for guitar, piano, and/or percussion instruments, which doesn't help me because I don't play any of those instruments.

My dad died and we didn't have the greatest relationship. I have no closure as to where he is spending eternity because although
I believe he wasn't saved that I know of, there IS the possibility
he did accept the love of Christ in his heart before he passed.
Essentially though, that's between him and God, and it annoys me
to no end that I have no closure.

I feel sad because I know I acted like a hypocrite at times in sharing the love of Christ to him Still it was difficult to know how to love him when our lifestyles were so different. He believed God was merely religion, I believed God was a personal love relationship and should encompass every fiber of your being (if you're truly saved and truly love him).

I am more worried for my mother and family members then anything else. None of them are saved. She's "angry at God' (this is a quote from her). I try to provide solace the best I know how, but
I feel so inadequate about this. I haven't a clue how to go about sharing the love of Christ to her ever since my dad passed. I have
had a wretched guilt trip regarding my relationship with him ever since he passed.

I am unable to go to church because none of the churches close by are appealing to me. They're traditional (nothing against traditional, I just prefer contemporary). There are also Pentecostal churches, which I don't care for due to personal convictions with my walk with God. The churches that do sound appealing to me, are far away; too far away to walk to. As a result, I have no fellowship at a local church, no sermons I can actually apply God's word to my life, and no way to serve God in ministry within a church like I would desire to do so.

Regarding my job I thought it was a blessing from God. I applied
for one position and they judged me and said I wasn't suited for
it without even giving me proper training for it. I received horrible
hours and no matter how many times I requested I needed better hours, they failed to comply or consider the request. This is because the amount of hours given was so mediocre, I couldn't make
enough to provide for myself.

I'm not saying there are no good things in my life. I would like
to start a garden in September of this year (right now is the worst possible time to do so where I live). I would like to sell baked goods and other products at a fleamarket; I'm currently in the process of
studying to receive my food management license. I hope this will
eventually develop into a small business.

Last but not least, I would like to share the love of Christ to Japan. God has called me there in various ways.

However now I feel extremely discouraged. Yes I know that I'm not happy and I'm not positive. However the quality of my life for the past 2 years well it has been dirt. Although God has sufficed to meet my physical needs, I can't say otherwise for the other needs in my life. All I desire is a friend who is a genuine Christian who lives in the same state, city, and county as me, and doesn't allow the relationship to drift just because they become busy with their lives.

 

[Ram24]

When God seemingly pulls back he does not go away. It seems as if you are stuck, people / friends have moved on, you should be willing to move on also and not hold onto your past. God works in great ways, but first we have to trust Him. God Bless you and keep the faith for it is your commandment.

 

[abigale]

umm, I don't know where you got the story of my life but,.
With your dad, there's a big difference between guilt and shame. Your not guilty of where he or anyone else spends eternity. I'm sure your lifestyle alone was an example that he had a choose to follow. People that don't get to heaven are there because of bad chooses they made. But I believe the prayers of the righteous availeth much.
There's a song that says
God took my everything and left me in the dirt for all my friends to see
Oh yes, God's been good to me.
Then the bridge is
Taught me compassion through my tears
Yes God's been good to me.

Why are your desires so important to you? Contentment no matter what means that you know God is doing what's best and He's not being unkind in His dealings with you.
Hang in there, don't stop praying (for His will not yours) and keep watching for answered prayer. You find it in the most unlikely places.

 

[Musician4Jesus]

Okay fist I don't appreciate the assumption being made that I'm holding onto my past. I'm trying to forget what happened in the past. However it's not peaches and cream to forget the past, when I've been through ten years of emotional and verbal abuse. I wish I could forget the past, really I do. However that is extremely difficult to impossible to do because it affects my life currently. Evidence
of this is in the character flaws I have.

These are....

cynical (hard to be positive when you have received the short
end of the stick for most of your life)

low self esteem (yes I realize that when people abused me emotionally and verbally what they said was lies for the most part).
However your heart believes these lies to be true after you've been told them over and over again, and eventually they become ingrained in your skull due to monotony.

Defensive (this is a natural reaction to me when I've been through emotional and verbal abuse for ten years of my life). It's very difficult for me to trust people, because at times whether they meant to or not, people have treated me like dirt. Learning to trust is
an extremely difficult and very gradual process for me; it's my weakest area.

You're also assuming I'm making no attempt to move on. If I was stuck in the past, I would not be making goals for myself, and I wouldn't have dreams I desire to accomplish, and yet I do have dreams and goals. I know God has called me to Japan to share the love of Christ to the Japanese people, because Japanese is the only oriental language I've made progress with studying. Also as said before, I've always been drawn to the oriental culture and I can't explain why; I believe this is a desire God has planted in my heart.

I'm trying to have faith and hope. However it's extremely difficult when my life has essentially been a desert for the past 2 years. When I tried to make things better by using the resources God made
available to me, things backfired and I ended up right back where I started. No I wasn't depending on my own strength; I was praying and trusting God and being dependent (and still am dependent on )
his provision.

I desire to be content because things have been difficult, full of pain, sorrow, loneliness, and everything that I love has been uprooted from me. I'm not a [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. I desire to be content because I'm discouraged and frustrated. If even one of these desires became reality, I would be very happy. I don't think it's asking a huge request with what I desire. I desire to be involved with learning music again, because it's a part of how God has called me to ministry. Yet because I don't have resources available for progressing with music, I cannot become more proficient with it, and I can't prepare myself in that respect. As a result, it's driving me insane (then there is the fact that I also enjoy learning music).

Fellowship and attending a local church and learning from God's word aren't just optional things. It's not mandatory to attend church, but it is
essential for growth and survival in your walk with God. People long for communication and social interaction with other people. Also going to church where the sermons preached are biblically sound, helps you apply God's word to your life in a way that will help sanctify you. I really
don't think desiring to have a friend who is a genuine Christian who lives in the same, state, and county as me is a huge request. It even
says in Scripture, as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. You're making it sound like that some of the these circumstances
have already passed when they haven't. Some of them I'm still dealing with.

 

[ThorninHiscrown]

One of the hardest things to do is wait on God. It seems like you have to shut down everything, thinking feeling wanting, and in a way you do. It's dying to self. Lean not on your own understanding is great if and when Christ has already transformed your mind to His way of thinking, but the death of self is scary because it knocks the foundations out from under you. It SEEMS like everything that held true not long ago is no longer true. But that's not true. You have been led to truths but now they're going deeper. That's why He says to hold fast to the things that you have been given. Things will appear like all is lost. But the mind of God imo, works like a whole concept coming out of nowhere, that suddenly fills your mind with unmistakable truth. Then comes the job of reconciling it with what was known previously. "Come, let us reason together"

It's so hard when the Father takes so the He may give. Friends, family, job, good standing in the community, those are all the things that matter, right? To God the only thing that matters is His marriage to you. Right now He has a very unhappy wife. And she's not at all happy with His meager provisions. Not only that but He seems abusing and dominating, witholding His pursestrings and chasing her friends and family away. I honestly think He's knocked a few of mine off just to get His point across, but that's making Him out to be a VERY demanding and JEALOUS God, so we won't go there. The point is He's got that all under control and if He calls someone into the party and grounds me to my room, well, loving Father He says He is, so I must beleive Him.

I have felt like I'm in wasteland ever since I moved where I currently
live (this was in August of 2006). Everything that could go wrong, DID go wrong.

When that happens, know what I do, I sleep. Seriously, nothing I can think about, feel or do is going to do me any good anyway, so I sleep. I figger if He's moving the world to get things to His way then I better get out of the way. I mean that literally and figurativly. I put my trust in Him and go into autopilot mode. The wasteland of the desert seems to change faster when I don't opt for staying where I'm at for next 40 years.
I hope this helps some. Praying for you.

 

[Laloni]

One of the hardest things to do is wait on God. It seems like you have to shut down everything, thinking feeling wanting, and in a way you do. It's dying to self. Lean not on your own understanding is great if and when Christ has already transformed your mind to His way of thinking, but the death of self is scary because it knocks the foundations out from under you. It SEEMS like everything that held true not long ago is no longer true. But that's not true. You have been led to truths but now they're going deeper. That's why He says to hold fast to the things that you have been given. Things will appear like all is lost. But the mind of God imo, works like a whole concept coming out of nowhere, that suddenly fills your mind with unmistakable truth. Then comes the job of reconciling it with what was known previously. "Come, let us reason together"

It's so hard when the Father takes so the He may give. Friends, family, job, good standing in the community, those are all the things that matter, right? To God the only thing that matters is His marriage to you. Right now He has a very unhappy wife. And she's not at all happy with His meager provisions. Not only that but He seems abusing and dominating, witholding His pursestrings and chasing her friends and family away. I honestly think He's knocked a few of mine off just to get His point across, but that's making Him out to be a VERY demanding and JEALOUS God, so we won't go there. The point is He's got that all under control and if He calls someone into the party and grounds me to my room, well, loving Father He says He is, so I must beleive Him.

When that happens, know what I do, I sleep. Seriously, nothing I can think about, feel or do is going to do me any good anyway, so I sleep. I figger if He's moving the world to get things to His way then I better get out of the way. I mean that literally and figurativly. I put my trust in Him and go into autopilot mode. The wasteland of the desert seems to change faster when I don't opt for staying where I'm at for next 40 years.
I hope this helps some. Praying for you.

Praise the Lord, what an excellent post!

 

[Risenonthethirdday]

Musician4Jesus I am currently going through the exact same thing you are experiencing now in fact almost every point you mentioned ive been going through in some form or fashion. I definitely would like to share my side of the story as im sure you will see that we are experiencing the same things but I would rather do it by PM as to not interrupt your current thread. I most definitely would keep in touch with you in some sort of way if you wanted to do so. Just send me a PM if you wish or on here is fine, however you would like. Ill keep you in my prayers

hairston

 

[Musician4Jesus]

Risenonthethirdday, I just attempted to send you a private message; I hope you receive it. I don't mind if you respond to this post because it's nice to know somebody can sympathize with what I'm going through.

If you don't receive my private message then please send me a private message after you read this. That's why I'm posting this to give an explanation that I tried to contact you. Unfortunately you had no link to your profile or a private webpage, so I'm unsure if you'll receive my private message as a result.

 

[xxkingskidlmxx]

the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. what more is there to say?

 

[Risenonthethirdday]

Risenonthethirdday, I just attempted to send you a private message; I hope you receive it. I don't mind if you respond to this post because it's nice to know somebody can sympathize with what I'm going through.

If you don't receive my private message then please send me a private message after you read this. That's why I'm posting this to give an explanation that I tried to contact you. Unfortunately you had no link to your profile or a private webpage, so I'm unsure if you'll receive my private message as a result.

For some reason I did not get it yet but I am here to listen. Im hoping I will get the message from you in my pm but until then I have other methods of contact...here, aim, email, yahoo mess, etc

 

[JPPT1974]

Remember the song Be still and
Know that I am God
That says it all as we need to
Be stil land know that God is in control.

 

[thenewageriseth]

To be honest this is how I've felt with my life since 2005. Yes I know I've made previous posts similar to this, but that's because in the past two years, my life has essentially eroded and been uprooted from what I knew for years.

In 2005, all the close fellowship I had with brothers and sisters and Christ vanished. People became married and pursued their own paths for their careers. They became so absorbed with their lives that essentially the relationships I had have vanished into dust. Yes I am referring to Christians. Either this, or they went to college out of state to prepare for the career they believe "God had called them to".

As much as I attempted contact with them, the relationships have been steadily drifting since 2005. By this I mean, I call them and if they're not available I would leave a message on the voice mail
of their cell and request for them to please return the call. Shock
of all shocks they were (and still are) so busy with their own lives
they can't even bother to return a call.

I know for the past couple of years in my life my happiness has
vanished as well. This is because everything I love, my old life that was semi-decent to me, has been uprooted in every aspect of the word. I will not lie and say I'm fine; in many ways I've abandoned hope, I'm lonely, I'm angry, I'm cynical, and I'm tired.

This is mostly because of where I live. I haven't liked living here since I moved. Unfortunately due to financial circumstances at the time, it wasn't feasible for me to continue living where I used to reside.

With the job I had, the income I made wasn't enough to
cover cost-of-living expenses and living in an apartment. It wasn't
feasible for me to find a roommate, because all the friends I knew
had gone to college out-of-state or we're married and building
a future for themselves. I asked around at church if it was feasible
for somebody to help me find a place to live, and that went over
like a lead balloon. It's not that they didn't want to help; it's just
that it wasn't feasible for them.

I have felt like I'm in wasteland ever since I moved where I currently
live (this was in August of 2006). Everything that could go wrong, DID go wrong. By this I mean I had a decent job (income was good, except when my hours were cut), a church where the sermons
preached were biblical and I could apply the message taught
to my life, and there were various ways for me to serve God.
I also was able to take music lessons which I loved.

Ever since I moved here, ALL of that has been taken from me.
I don't have any friends and making friends here proves to
be quite difficult because I don't know anybody here.

I can't take music lessons because the only place I can take lessons
is not close to where I live, and because of the distance is a hassle
to get to and from them. The places that offer music lessons are only for guitar, piano, and/or percussion instruments, which doesn't help me because I don't play any of those instruments.

My dad died and we didn't have the greatest relationship. I have no closure as to where he is spending eternity because although
I believe he wasn't saved that I know of, there IS the possibility
he did accept the love of Christ in his heart before he passed.
Essentially though, that's between him and God, and it annoys me
to no end that I have no closure.

I feel sad because I know I acted like a hypocrite at times in sharing the love of Christ to him Still it was difficult to know how to love him when our lifestyles were so different. He believed God was merely religion, I believed God was a personal love relationship and should encompass every fiber of your being (if you're truly saved and truly love him).

I am more worried for my mother and family members then anything else. None of them are saved. She's "angry at God' (this is a quote from her). I try to provide solace the best I know how, but
I feel so inadequate about this. I haven't a clue how to go about sharing the love of Christ to her ever since my dad passed. I have
had a wretched guilt trip regarding my relationship with him ever since he passed.

I am unable to go to church because none of the churches close by are appealing to me. They're traditional (nothing against traditional, I just prefer contemporary). There are also Pentecostal churches, which I don't care for due to personal convictions with my walk with God. The churches that do sound appealing to me, are far away; too far away to walk to. As a result, I have no fellowship at a local church, no sermons I can actually apply God's word to my life, and no way to serve God in ministry within a church like I would desire to do so.

Regarding my job I thought it was a blessing from God. I applied
for one position and they judged me and said I wasn't suited for
it without even giving me proper training for it. I received horrible
hours and no matter how many times I requested I needed better hours, they failed to comply or consider the request. This is because the amount of hours given was so mediocre, I couldn't make
enough to provide for myself.

I'm not saying there are no good things in my life. I would like
to start a garden in September of this year (right now is the worst possible time to do so where I live). I would like to sell baked goods and other products at a fleamarket; I'm currently in the process of
studying to receive my food management license. I hope this will
eventually develop into a small business.

Last but not least, I would like to share the love of Christ to Japan. God has called me there in various ways.

However now I feel extremely discouraged. Yes I know that I'm not happy and I'm not positive. However the quality of my life for the past 2 years well it has been dirt. Although God has sufficed to meet my physical needs, I can't say otherwise for the other needs in my life. All I desire is a friend who is a genuine Christian who lives in the same state, city, and county as me, and doesn't allow the relationship to drift just because they become busy with their lives.

Yes. I can relate some about The part about people drifting away because they have become busy-I think that's what has happened to me with some of my relationships. It really sucks bad.

 

[JPPT1974]

It is hard to wait on the Lord
But we need to
As He knows what is best!