Hate everything about myself

[Migdala]

I hate Bipolar disorder with a passion. It's ruined my life, and my relationship with God.

When I got saved, God literally poured His love and blessings out on me and I was so incredibly happy and peaceful and had full assurance of my salvation...no doubt in my mind whatsoever. I was a new creation and could not stop praising God, and I had SO much love for Him and other people. It was incredible.

I saw visions of Jesus, had dreams, and the miraculous acts God was doing in my life was amazing.....I felt His Presence constantly, and it was weird-people were "drawn" to me and they would tell me that they could "see God all over me" whatever that meant. People would walk up telling me that my face would glow like an angel.

Well, little by little all that went away, and I started hearing demonic voices in my head, cussing out God, Jesus and Holy Spirit. I know now that it is probably OCD, but I've never had anything like that before, but it's horrible.

So this is added on top of already having Bipolar Disorder, and serious physical health conditions.

Ok, so my problem is that when I stopped "feeling" God's Presence around me, stopped having the dreams and visions, and He stopped doing miracles in my life.....I started freaking out, thinking I had lost my salvation.

Realistically I know this is untrue....the fact that I don't "feel" God's Presence, and the fact that I hear demons in my head cussing God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit out every minute of the day, in addition to my other physical health issues has nothing to do with the fact that Jesus died for my sins.

But I am unable to "separate" those things when the Bipolar depression hits.

Basically, I am totally unable to handle any sort of stress in my life at all because I feel like the Holy Spirit has left me. I have no more love, I have ZERO amount of faith in God anymore, and when the depressive moods hit, I complain and complain about God-just like the Israelites did.

And I know that God kicked them out of going into the Promised Land because of their unbelief. And since I'm doing the same thing every time the bad moods hit, then I'm no better than they are.

For instance.....I was trying so hard to have faith in God, but 6 months ago my husband walked out on me, my hot water heater busted, and I had to spend a lot of money buying a new heater, and it flooded my bedrooms and I had to take all the carpets up. I went in the hospital with a lot of stomach problems, 4 days after my husband left, my car broke down week after week after week with different things, and after spending hundreds of dollars, it blew a head gasket and I had to buy another car. I have a very low income and am living off my savings, which has fast been dwindling. I have no job skills (Hubby was the breadwinner) and am already working a full time job and have nowhere to squeeze in a part time job IF I was lucky enough to find one. My hot water unit went out a couple of weeks ago and I had to buy a new unit, which was another thousand dollars. Now I've been getting in trouble at work a lot lately, and my job is seriously on the line. I was counseled at work today and told that I was about to be terminated if I kept making mistakes.

Like I said, I have NO faith when it comes to these Bipolar lows and stress. I start screaming at God to kill me right in front of my boss. I cried and cried and said that if I lost my job and my house and bank account, I would kill myself. My boss looked at me and said...."You know, you're real good at pretending you're a good Christian, but honestly, you don't really believe in your heart". In other words, she was telling me that I'm not really saved....

Which is what I have been terrified of more than anything. I have cursed God, screamed at Him for causing me to have way more than I can handle. I'm dealing with severe physical, mental, and financial problems....way more than I can handle.

And if one more person tells me that God never gives us more than we can handle, I'll scream. Because He HAS given me way more than I can handle.

So every time I get in these moods, I doubt my salvation and start blaming God for everything wrong in my life. I look around at other Christians, and I see all the blessings that they have in their lives, and how strong and victorious they are in Christ....and I HATE them with a passion because I want SO BADLY to have a strong relationship with God, but it's impossible for me when I have all these demonic voices in my head, doubts and fears.

I feel that I have totally messed up my salvation with my fear of losing my salvation, and the things that have come out of my mouth when I get in these moods. I have asked God's forgiveness and repented more times than I can count for my words....and I'll do good for a few days, but then I'm right back at square one the next time the moods hit.

Yes, I know how important our words are. But I feel that God has some kind of curse on me-my whole life, but especially the last 6 months. It's hard to talk about God's love when you keep getting blow after blow of His wrath, over and over and over. A girl at work told me that she told her Mom that she was "working with Job's sister!" and she was laughing because she thought all my tragedies were so funny.

I no longer sense the Holy Spirit in me at all, and bad things have been happening over and over and over. I snap every time and scream at God, rather than remaining strong and riding out the tribulations.

I can't take anymore of my life. All I want is to go to sleep and not wake up, but then I know that I would go to Hell because I no longer think I am saved-I believe that God has blotted me out of His Book of Life because of my lack of faith and the horrible things I say to Him every time my moods hit.

I cannot take anymore. I'm as broken as I can get. I have only one friend to my name, no husband, no family, horrible credit now because all the creditors and hospitals are suing me, and I no longer seem to have God's Spirit in me anymore.

No, I'm not suicidal.....I just wish I had never been born, because I truly feel that I have some freaky curse on my life.

Just wanted to vent.

 

[thunderbyrd]

Migdala: i have had years and years of fighting much of the same things you are talking about, though it seems the things you are dealing with are a bit more extreme than mine - maybe not by much, though.

"No, I'm not suicidal.....I just wish I had never been born, because I truly feel that I have some freaky curse on my life." Sister, i understand that statement through and through. i have felt that through much of my life also.

so i know just how little most Christian platitudes like "God won't give you more than you can handle" mean to you. and Migdala, i SO MUCH understand your anger - i have been through that anger and depression so much in my life.

instead of me acting like i've got all the answers (i am sure you are sick of people presenting "all the answers" to you), here are some things i definetly can address for you: Christians and their blesings, strong and victorious in Christ - some of those people are "strong and victorious". some just know how to present a good Christian front. some of them are hurting in ways much like you are.

messed up and blown your salvation - NO Ma'am. you haven't lost it, you are in a battle in a war. the battle is hell where you are, it don't look good, but the war for you is not over. satan is doing everything he can to keep you from seeing what the situation truly is - that Jesus Christ loves and values you. oh, i understand that this last statement can be seen as a platitude, but reach past that and grasp it alittle firmer. He has NOT given up on you, Migdala, it is not His nature to give up on us.

your boss telling you that your faith isn't true etc -she doesn't know what she's talking about. if some of what is being thrown at you was thrown at her, she'd possibly learn some sympathy. (but i'm not asking for that and you probably shouldn't either). PEOPLE WHO AREN'T BIPOLAR THINK THEY UNDERSTAND WHAT BIPOLAR IS LIKE - BUT THEY DON'T! everybody is a junior psychologist.

Israelites kept out of the promised land - remember that you have a better covenant than they had. yes, the old testament God is the same God as the new testament God, but the new testament gives a so much deeper view of the complexity of His Love and how He works. He has not given up on you.

 

[thunderbyrd]

if i thought it would penetrate past all the hurt and discouragement, i would sit here and type it one million times: HE HAS NOT GIVEN UP ON YOU. HE WILL NOT GIVE UP ON YOU. IT IS NOT HIS NATURE TO GIVE UP ON US. HE DOESN'T QUIT. GOD HAS SPOKEN GOOD THINGS OVER YOUR LIFE AND YOU WILL SEE HIS GLORY IN THE LAND OF THE LIVING. JESUS CHRIST HAS NOT AND WILL NOT QUIT ON YOU.

 

[Stephen Kendall]

May God bless you and heal you my sister. The world has been crumbling with me, but yet it keeps going. I pray to God for my family and self. Things creep along with small tibbits of help. That is enough and I thank him. Counting my hardships is amazing, but much more amazing is to have made it. We have all but to cling to our Father. He does listen. Have compassion for others, even when you need it as well (probably much more so). I think it is all focus and not fearing / hating Bipolar disorder. If a person focuses on others instead of his own needs, God must focus on him. We don't trick God into noticing us, but instead noticing those we love. We are blessed in following our Father through Christ, for even the son is blessed to follow his Father in Heaven. Christ should have felt for himself on the cross, but instead cared about others around him. Were our love tested so, would it still focus on others like him? Love you sister and brother. May our Father bless you both.

 

[thunderbyrd]

we are told in the Bible that the 3 great things are faith hope and love. it seems that for some of us who have this bipolar problem, it's "hope" that satan knows to attack harder than anything else. he is such a cheap person.

the Word of God says "if our hearts condemn us, know that He is bigger than our hearts".

 

[michael714]

Hi Migdala -

We will lose our house to foreclosure in early February, I have customers who aren't paying my small business (one hung up on me today when I called him - as soon as he heard it was me), and I hear the same horrible thoughts in my head that you do. Some of these thoughts are bi-polar/OCD, some are from the enemy.

I could never make it through all of this stress without God and the help and prayers of others. It keep me on my knees, and there are times when I have to call a friend and ask for prayer when I'm feeling beat up (which I did about an hour ago.)

3 years ago I went through some terrible fears that the Lord might have left me, but He kept showing up and revealing His faithfulness. I think He's been teaching me that humility, surrender and trust are critical - and to keep seeking Him no matter how I feel. I've been hearing a lot of sewage in my mind this week and have been going through a horrible time.

I don't know all your story or your heart, but maybe the fact that the enemy is trying to destroy your faith is proof that you still have it. Maybe your suffering is proof you're a Christian and are dangerous to the enemy. I hear that the enemy might be trying to trick you into believing that the Lord's bailed on you. From what I see in Scripture and have experienced, God doesn't abandon men, men abandon God.

By the way, John Bunyan, who wrote Pilgrim's Progess, wrote of having been assaulted with blasphemous thoughts. You're not alone.

 

[thunderbyrd]

"I don't know all your story or your heart, but maybe the fact that the enemy is trying to destroy your faith is proof that you still have it. Maybe your suffering is proof you're a Christian and are dangerous to the enemy. I hear that the enemy might be trying to trick you into believing that the Lord's bailed on you. From what I see in Scripture and have experienced, God doesn't abandon men, men abandon God. "

yes, yes yes. a thousand times yes.

 

[Migdala]

Migdala: i have had years and years of fighting much of the same things you are talking about, though it seems the things you are dealing with are a bit more extreme than mine - maybe not by much, though.

"No, I'm not suicidal.....I just wish I had never been born, because I truly feel that I have some freaky curse on my life." Sister, i understand that statement through and through. i have felt that through much of my life also.

so i know just how little most Christian platitudes like "God won't give you more than you can handle" mean to you. and Migdala, i SO MUCH understand your anger - i have been through that anger and depression so much in my life.

instead of me acting like i've got all the answers (i am sure you are sick of people presenting "all the answers" to you), here are some things i definetly can address for you: Christians and their blesings, strong and victorious in Christ - some of those people are "strong and victorious". some just know how to present a good Christian front. some of them are hurting in ways much like you are.

messed up and blown your salvation - NO Ma'am. you haven't lost it, you are in a battle in a war. the battle is hell where you are, it don't look good, but the war for you is not over. satan is doing everything he can to keep you from seeing what the situation truly is - that Jesus Christ loves and values you. oh, i understand that this last statement can be seen as a platitude, but reach past that and grasp it alittle firmer. He has NOT given up on you, Migdala, it is not His nature to give up on us.

your boss telling you that your faith isn't true etc -she doesn't know what she's talking about. if some of what is being thrown at you was thrown at her, she'd possibly learn some sympathy. (but i'm not asking for that and you probably shouldn't either). PEOPLE WHO AREN'T BIPOLAR THINK THEY UNDERSTAND WHAT BIPOLAR IS LIKE - BUT THEY DON'T! everybody is a junior psychologist.

Israelites kept out of the promised land - remember that you have a better covenant than they had. yes, the old testament God is the same God as the new testament God, but the new testament gives a so much deeper view of the complexity of His Love and how He works. He has not given up on you.

Thank you for your comment-it's very good to hear a fresh view...you telling me about how some Christians are just better at putting on a good front really helped a lot!

 

[Migdala]

Hi Migdala -

We will lose our house to foreclosure in early February, I have customers who aren't paying my small business (one hung up on me today when I called him - as soon as he heard it was me), and I hear the same horrible thoughts in my head that you do. Some of these thoughts are bi-polar/OCD, some are from the enemy.

I could never make it through all of this stress without God and the help and prayers of others. It keep me on my knees, and there are times when I have to call a friend and ask for prayer when I'm feeling beat up (which I did about an hour ago.)

3 years ago I went through some terrible fears that the Lord might have left me, but He kept showing up and revealing His faithfulness. I think He's been teaching me that humility, surrender and trust are critical - and to keep seeking Him no matter how I feel. I've been hearing a lot of sewage in my mind this week and have been going through a horrible time.

I don't know all your story or your heart, but maybe the fact that the enemy is trying to destroy your faith is proof that you still have it. Maybe your suffering is proof you're a Christian and are dangerous to the enemy. I hear that the enemy might be trying to trick you into believing that the Lord's bailed on you. From what I see in Scripture and have experienced, God doesn't abandon men, men abandon God.

By the way, John Bunyan, who wrote Pilgrim's Progess, wrote of having been assaulted with blasphemous thoughts. You're not alone.

I am so sorry about your house. I know that it's not easy to hear, but God does have another plan for your life. I'm terrified of the same thing if I don't find either a part-time job or a roommate.

So what do you do when those thoughts come to you? I try so hard to focus on Jesus, but it's so very hard when those thoughts hit. I'd love to talk to you on IM if you'd like.

 

[Migdala]

Hi Migdala -



By the way, John Bunyan, who wrote Pilgrim's Progess, wrote of having been assaulted with blasphemous thoughts. You're not alone.

Yes, I've read a couple of his books-he's amazing! One book-I can't remember the name, but it's something about Grace abounding.....just reading it, you can really tell that he had OCD too.

 

[SinkingShip]

Migdala: Your experiences sound similar to mind regarding the psychosis taking the form of voices - my voice used to answer me everytime I prayed; at first it was encouraging, then the voice turned flat-out sadistic and my faith fractured and then shattered under the stress, eventually leading me to attempt suicide. After years of anger, therapy, medication, and the "emotional roller-coaster from Hell that is BiPolar", I realized that the only portion of my belief in God was that I was saved. The rest is immaterial on that one topic - I gave God my soul (or whats left of it, it feels like) and now he's stuck with it. When I die, I WILL go to Heaven and God WILL get an earfull - I'm still angry at him about my life and the feelings of betrayal I have whenever I hear the "God will never give you more than you can handle (obviously not the case for me), and I may be angry for the rest of my life. Thats ok, God knew all about all of this when he created me; everything I think and feel is *at least* just as much his problem as it is mine.

I will confess that I have a similar "suicide pact" with God when it comes to certain areas of my life being disrupted. I view it not as some attempt at bargaining with God, but as the simple reality of my situation: there's only so much I can endure. I don't know what God's plan is for my life, and my faith has yet to regrow enough for me to care. This is me being as honest with God as I can - we both know whats at stake now, and God and I can either debate (via the voices in my head) the theology of Christians committing suicide, or we can both move forward with whatever time and sanity my life has been allotted.

At the end of the day, regardless of how I feel about his actions (or lack thereof in my life), part of me holds onto the belief that He "gets it", and maybe even "gets me", and that regardless of what actions I may eventually take, he know's why. Jesus said all we needed was "faith like a mustard seed"; maybe our ability to hold and carry it is irrevelant. Maybe its ok when we drop it or some mental or mood disorder knocks it out of our grasp and we have to search for it, or maybe when God sees how much we have on our hands, He decides to carry it for us. The important reality is that when it comes to salvation, your seed is always there and will always be there.

 

[Migdala]

Migdala: Your experiences sound similar to mind regarding the psychosis taking the form of voices - my voice used to answer me everytime I prayed; at first it was encouraging, then the voice turned flat-out sadistic and my faith fractured and then shattered under the stress, eventually leading me to attempt suicide. After years of anger, therapy, medication, and the "emotional roller-coaster from Hell that is BiPolar", I realized that the only portion of my belief in God was that I was saved. The rest is immaterial on that one topic - I gave God my soul (or whats left of it, it feels like) and now he's stuck with it. When I die, I WILL go to Heaven and God WILL get an earfull - I'm still angry at him about my life and the feelings of betrayal I have whenever I hear the "God will never give you more than you can handle (obviously not the case for me), and I may be angry for the rest of my life. Thats ok, God knew all about all of this when he created me; everything I think and feel is *at least* just as much his problem as it is mine.

I will confess that I have a similar "suicide pact" with God when it comes to certain areas of my life being disrupted. I view it not as some attempt at bargaining with God, but as the simple reality of my situation: there's only so much I can endure. I don't know what God's plan is for my life, and my faith has yet to regrow enough for me to care. This is me being as honest with God as I can - we both know whats at stake now, and God and I can either debate (via the voices in my head) the theology of Christians committing suicide, or we can both move forward with whatever time and sanity my life has been allotted.

At the end of the day, regardless of how I feel about his actions (or lack thereof in my life), part of me holds onto the belief that He "gets it", and maybe even "gets me", and that regardless of what actions I may eventually take, he know's why. Jesus said all we needed was "faith like a mustard seed"; maybe our ability to hold and carry it is irrevelant. Maybe its ok when we drop it or some mental or mood disorder knocks it out of our grasp and we have to search for it, or maybe when God sees how much we have on our hands, He decides to carry it for us. The important reality is that when it comes to salvation, your seed is always there and will always be there.

Thank you so much for your reply.....I do know how you feel, and yeah, our lives are hellish. I do believe that Bipolar disorder is demonic though, and that Jesus can heal us.

I know a guy that I used to go to church with. He was Bipolar and had been sexually abused as a child by his father, or maybe it was his stepfather. Anyway, he was really bad off, and his pastor prayed for him for years for deliverance, with no luck. But finally, after the guy forgave his dad for what he did, Jesus totally healed him and he does not take medication at all anymore.

Same thing happened to a friend who had a severe anxiety disorder. Same thing happened to another friend who had major depression. When they forgave, they were healed.

 

[madison1101]

What I have had to do is attack those lies about myself with the truth of God's Word. Here is a link to a website where there is a list of "Who I Am In Christ." Copy these statments and meditate on one a day. Scripture does not return void.

Freedom in Christ Ministries

Hugs,
Trish

 

[Migdala]

What I have had to do is attack those lies about myself with the truth of God's Word. Here is a link to a website where there is a list of "Who I Am In Christ." Copy these statments and meditate on one a day. Scripture does not return void.

Freedom in Christ Ministries

Hugs,
Trish

Thank you! I actually have a lot of copies of "who I am in Christ" I have a poster in my bedroom, a copy of it in my bathroom, and a bookmark, as well as the "Victory over darkness" book by Neil Anderson. It is helpful!

 

[thunderbyrd]

"Thank you for your comment-it's very good to hear a fresh view...you telling me about how some Christians are just better at putting on a good front really helped a lot! "

if one little thing i said helped you at all, that absolutely makes my day!

 

[michael714]

> So what do you do when those thoughts come to you? I try so hard to focus on Jesus, but it's so very hard when those thoughts hit. I'd love to talk to you on IM if you'd like.

When I can tell that my mind is tripping on it's OCD trigger, I do my best to let the thoughts go. Sometimes I quote scripture in my mind. Others, I remind myself that I want nothing to do with this and refuse to take ownership of them. There are times when the oppression is so dark and ugly that I know it's the enemy. I either pray or read Scripture out aloud. And I also ask for the prayers of friends. Sometimes I say something out loud commanding the enemy to leave in Jesus' name.

>Yes, I've read a couple of his books-he's amazing! One book-I can't remember the name, but it's something about Grace abounding.....just reading it, you can really tell that he had OCD too.

I just finished reading Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners. This is the book where he details his mental torment - and how God led him through it. So often, when Bunyan was struggling with the fears over a loss of salvation, the Lord would bring Scripture to his mind that would lift him up and strengthen his faith. God's worked the same way with me.

This past week has been a nightmare with the mental battle. But God is faithful.

 

[Migdala]

> So what do you do when those thoughts come to you? I try so hard to focus on Jesus, but it's so very hard when those thoughts hit. I'd love to talk to you on IM if you'd like.

When I can tell that my mind is tripping on it's OCD trigger, I do my best to let the thoughts go. Sometimes I quote scripture in my mind. Others, I remind myself that I want nothing to do with this and refuse to take ownership of them. There are times when the oppression is so dark and ugly that I know it's the enemy. I either pray or read Scripture out aloud. And I also ask for the prayers of friends. Sometimes I say something out loud commanding the enemy to leave in Jesus' name.

>Yes, I've read a couple of his books-he's amazing! One book-I can't remember the name, but it's something about Grace abounding.....just reading it, you can really tell that he had OCD too.

I just finished reading Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners. This is the book where he details his mental torment - and how God led him through it. So often, when Bunyan was struggling with the fears over a loss of salvation, the Lord would bring Scripture to his mind that would lift him up and strengthen his faith. God's worked the same way with me.

This past week has been a nightmare with the mental battle. But God is faithful.

Yes, He is faithful! Let me ask you this...have you ever just flat out said stuff like..."I don't have the Holy Spirit anymore!" or "Forget it! I just can't do this Christian stuff anymore!" Or "I've lost my salvation!" or "maybe I've never been saved!" and stuff like that? Or have you ever gotten so mad at God over these mental afflictions (Bipolar, OCD, etc) that you've yelled and screamed at Him? Do you still sense the Holy Spirit in you? For instance, do you still have spiritual gifts, love for other people, the Holy Spirit convicting you of sin, or leading you to do something?

I don't sense Him in me at all, and I'm wondering if it is because I've actually lost my salvation, or if it's just my Bipolar, depression, etc., etc., or if it's somehow Satan keeping me from feeling God's presence?

I just can't seem to "connect" with Him anymore like I used to.

 

[michael714]

> have you ever just flat out said stuff like...

No, but I struggled big time with fear that God had abandoned me.

> Or have you ever gotten so mad at God

I had problems with anger towards Him a year or two ago. I didn't yell, but instead typed out all of my anger and frustations in a series of letters. It was more controlled that way. Worked with a Biblical counselor and got into some lies I'd been fighting against about the Lord, His discipline, etc. It took time but eventually the anger over that stuff died down. A lot of it was anger I'd carried for years but didn't realize. My pride was there too. For me, the anger came down to the fact that I'd bought into lies about God, myself and others and needed to deal with them.

> Do you still sense the Holy Spirit in you? For instance, do you still have spiritual gifts, love for other people, the Holy Spirit convicting you of sin, or leading you to do something?

The medication makes it hard for me to feel emotionally, so I've been learning that I can't base my faith on my feelings, only what God says in His word. Yes, He convicts me of sin - and I invite Him to. I struggle with loving people like I should because the medication tends to make me numb, which I hate. I trust the thoughts in my head very little, it's the promises in God's word and who He is that my faith must be based on.

This mental torment makes faith a greater effort than it was before all the medication and when I got diagnosed 3 years ago. I'm forced to seek Him more than ever before.

 

[Migdala]

See, I don't have the conviction of sins anymore. That terrifies me. I've said so many horrible things against God-I know I have grieved His Spirit horribly. I've occasionally fallen into deliberate sin when the pain of my situations has gotten too bad. I'm terrified that I have grieved Him so much by my words, thoughts, and actions that I have lost the Holy Spirit for good.

 

[thunderbyrd]

"Let me ask you this...have you ever just flat out said stuff like..."I don't have the Holy Spirit anymore!" or "Forget it! I just can't do this Christian stuff anymore!" Or "I've lost my salvation!" or "maybe I've never been saved!" and stuff like that"

i've definetly said/felt those things., many times. it took me awhile, but i've learned that my feelings lie an awful lot. i think a main thing to know is: i really very much believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins, then was resurrected. no matter how i feel or what's going wrong with me, that belief never ever changes, i believe it as much as i believe in this chair i'm sitting on. satan has a million games he can run on us, but he cannot touch that stone fact. "Jesus Christ came into this world to save sinners, of whom i am chief." that fountain filled with Blood never stops flowing, no matter how raunchy i've been. The Lord knows your sincere heart within it all, Migdala, He knows you love and want Him - He will not give up on you.