Has Anyone Been Here?

[oat02351]

To start, I had a beautiful relationship with fiancee. He's a good guy, very supportive all the good things any one would want in a partner. We have a cute little house and everything was going very nice... then I got pregnant... woops!:o We are still together, as of now but, he never wanted children... this was kind of an accident. I've thought of giving the child up for adoption but, I can't decide what to do. It's My baby now (though I'm only in my 1st trimester). I feel an attachment to the baby already. I'm afraid if my fiancee and I split up I'll be in a bad way. I'm afraid I'll not be a good mother and won't be able to provide for it. My family is very supportive of me though and I know they'll help but, I'm at a complete loss. I know my fiancee is trying but, I don't know if he'll ever accept it. He's been so stressed and hasn't been sleeping too good. I'm dying here! (figuratively speaking). As for putting the child up for adoption, I'll never know if he is having a good life or if his foster parents are molesting him... There are so many things to think of and I can't think!
I thought of seaking counseling but, my insurancewould only pay 1/2. So I can't even do That! Not to mention... my poor sister is in the psyche ward and probably won't be home for Christmas... Hey, I hear if you suffer in this life you won't suffer in the next... surely when my time comes God will have a small spot in heaven for a lowly being such as me. I think I need all the prayers I can get even if they are not Catholic. Any religion God is God... so please pray for me

 

[Singin4Him]

Unfortunately when t comes to premarital sex this is the chance you take. If your fiance did not want children to begin with do you really want him to try and "accept" his child? Not to mention, do you really want to marry a man such as this? You both made a choice to have unprotected sex, however as the man who should be head in the relationship he was acting not in your best interest or the best interest of you both as a couple by allowing that to happen. Now that the mistake has been made and the consquences are there to face you say he does not want to own up to them...that would certainly concern me when it comes to marriage.

I'm not going to tell you whether I think keeping this baby is wise or not, that is between you and God. However, I think you need to seriously consider your future relationship with your fiance and if he really is a man that you would like to marry, If you do choose to keep this baby that may be cause a lot of issues between you and your fiance and that is something you should also consider. If you choose to keep this baby my advice would be not to marry because of this child and certainly not to marry until this child came so that you night be able to see how your fiance is going to handle things.

My cousin is in this exact situation and once the baby came her fiance was excited but the newness of a baby has worn off now and he isn't so excited now. They are not having problems and I would be very surprised if he married her. I would strongly encourage you to get some counseling, you could go to your church and get free counseling from a pastor or minister. There are also Christian crisis pregnancy centers who offer free counseling and they are great as well, Please seek some help in this situation, don't go through this alone.

 

[jgonz]

I guess I'm looking at it from a little different angle. Sure, you made a mistake by having premarital sex. And you got pregnant... which was a mistake, but the BABY is not a mistake. G-d has given you this life for a reason. Try to take some deep breaths and relax.

As for your fiance, men (even married men who Wanted a baby) handle their woman's pregnancies all differently. Sure, he may have Thought he never wanted kids, but maybe this is G-d's way of showing him differently?

All I know is that making a major life decision when you're pregnant is NOT smart. Wait and see what happens... Trust in G-d, pray, wait on His timing for things. Believe me, you are Not going to be able to figure this one out in the next few weeks... I got pregnant with my first unexpectedly (and unmarried) and I Still don't quite understand what all happened (and that was 25 years ago!) lol

Hang in there... get quiet before the L-rd.... stay in the Word... wait on Him.

 

[Linnis]

Your child comes before everyone including your fiance or even your husband.

He took the chance of being a father every time he had sex, that's the way it is.

I would not let your fear about him leaving you, push you into doing something you don't want to do. Of course you are attached to that baby it's your baby. If you want to raise him or her, do so and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

I agree with singin4him, don't go through this alone, get help from people willing to do so.

 

[GolfingMom]

Unfortunately when t comes to premarital sex this is the chance you take. If your fiance did not want children to begin with do you really want him to try and "accept" his child? Not to mention, do you really want to marry a man such as this? You both made a choice to have unprotected sex, however as the man who should be head in the relationship he was acting not in your best interest or the best interest of you both as a couple by allowing that to happen. Now that the mistake has been made and the consquences are there to face you say he does not want to own up to them...that would certainly concern me when it comes to marriage.

I'm not going to tell you whether I think keeping this baby is wise or not, that is between you and God. However, I think you need to seriously consider your future relationship with your fiance and if he really is a man that you would like to marry, If you do choose to keep this baby that may be cause a lot of issues between you and your fiance and that is something you should also consider. If you choose to keep this baby my advice would be not to marry because of this child and certainly not to marry until this child came so that you night be able to see how your fiance is going to handle things.

My cousin is in this exact situation and once the baby came her fiance was excited but the newness of a baby has worn off now and he isn't so excited now. They are not having problems and I would be very surprised if he married her. I would strongly encourage you to get some counseling, you could go to your church and get free counseling from a pastor or minister. There are also Christian crisis pregnancy centers who offer free counseling and they are great as well, Please seek some help in this situation, don't go through this alone.

 

[seamonster]

I just wanted to point out that if you do decide to go the adoption route, you can opt for an "open adoption" where the adoptive parents send you pictures and cards a few times a year, and you can have visits occasionally with your child.

Definitely talk to someone who can help you, though You shouldn't have to face this pregnancy alone and we're all here to listen anytime you want to cry/vent/whatever

 

[Marionette]

I guess I'm looking at it from a little different angle. Sure, you made a mistake by having premarital sex. And you got pregnant... which was a mistake, but the BABY is not a mistake. G-d has given you this life for a reason.

Amen to that! Those were the exact things that went through my head as I read the original post and something I was just chatting with my mom about on the way to supper tonight~

Anyhoo! Dear oat, *HUGS* I've told my story on the forums before but here it is again: I started dating this guy in February. We'll call him S. I really liked him and despite our huge differences (He wasn't a Christian, I am. He was a vegetarian to the point of extremist, I'm not. Liberal, Conservative.. you get the idea) I continued to see him. I told him before things got serious that I was saving myself for marraige and he was ok with it. Soon though, he started pushing things a little farther, a little farther until my virginity was gone and a month later I was pregnant. That was the scariest moment in my entire life: seeing "Pregnant" pop up on that home pregnancy test. I knew my whole life was about to get flipped upsidedown and changes were going to have to be made.
At first I tried the compromising thing. So much for that. I wanted my child to grow up in a Christian home, going to church and learning from the Bible. S wanted to take him to a Buddhist temple and teach him that it's wrong to kill animals. We'd go in circles and S even began looking for a house for us even though I knew in my heart that I could never live with him or let him raise our child. Finally, I let myself admit this and I told him I was going to start wearing my promise ring again and would not be having sex with him anymore. He told me he would resent me for it and the remainder of my feelings for him lifted like the burden from my shoulders.

So here I am, expecting my son in a few short weeks and happily on my way to single parenthood. Someday I hope to find him a good father to be his role model but until then, I'll do my best. It's not easy doing it alone but I'd rather this than having to compromise any more of my beliefs. I guess what I'm saying is, don't be afraid to go it alone if that's where things end up. I'm trusting God to provide for me and my child and I know He's looking out for us. He said He would be a Father to the fatherless and I'm counting on Him for that promise.

Don't worry~ Things will work out one way or the other. Don't be afraid to listen to what your heart tells you.

I guess I kinda rambled there but yes, I'm here too! Feel free to PM me if you need to chat~

 

[RoseofLima]

I have been in both places (three actually) I have been unmarried and pregnant and not even known who the father of the baby was (that's a horrifying thing to have to tell your daddy). I have been involved with a guy- and we even got married before the baby- and given the baby up for adoption. (We got divorced about a year after we were married--unrelated to the baby being placed up for adoption) And I have been involved with a guy- got pregnant, kept the baby- and married the dad about two years after our son was born. We are still together and have four children and one on the way. I don't think my husband ever really thought that he would have children--though he wasn't dead set against it, either.

First of all God bless you for not just aborting your sweet baby! That is an immense grace Secondly- CONGRATULATIONS!!!! What a blessing that God has created with your cooperation this new soul, this new being created in His image and likeness!

Only you will be able to discern the right course of action for you to take. And you will only be able to discern that through heartfelt, all out prayer. I absolutely second the recommendation for counselling. Free (or VERY inexpensive) counselling should be available to you through Catholic Social services--or through your diocesan office of family life. The pastor- or someone in the office (see if there is either a pro-life ministry or Project Gabriel at your parish)- should be able to direct you as to how to contact those agencies. They will have help to offer you!

The thing to really focus in on is what decision leaves you with the most peace. I have found in making big decisions, that peace of soul is usually the best indicator of what I ought to chose--even if all options involve struggle and sacrifice.

Maybe this pregnancy and child is God's way of calling you back to Him...I know it really was for me with the children I gave up for adoption (though I was still too broken and wounded to respond fully to that call)--and especially in the case of my husband and my oldest son. That little boy's birth and nursing and my motherhood was the impetus for much, much healing - which enable me to begin to accept the immensity of God's love. My husband is still an aetheist-- and yet is so supportive, so nurturing of not only my faith life- but also of me passing the faith on to our children. I don't know how that came about except through the incerdible perfections of God. And my deep and vulnerable step out in faith -- to cast my net into deep waters-- began with being a mom to my son. I actually didn't really even know how broken I was...but there was a reason I ended up pregnant (again ) outside of marriage. I longed and ached and yearned for love--and felt totally unable to give love and be loved becuase of how broken and wounded I was-- through the actions of others, my own sins, and mental strife from some of those things. Healing for me has and is a hard road....but I have no doubt about where and when I began to travel that road- it was the birth of our oldest son- and the beginning of our family.

It turns out that my husband is wild about his kids- and is so ridiculously open to life (especially considering is a pro-choice aetheist)--because he sees that more than anything else in the entire world- his children bring him joy. Yes they are lots of work, and a pain in the rear, and challenging beyond imagination-- but deep inside he experiences that healing power of God giving love and calling us to give love profoundly through his children. When my husband held our son for the first time-- he was hooked....he fell madly in love.

We have had our ups and downs-- we have had some seriously stressful and bad times-- but the joy and peace I feel today- and the love through my husband that I experience today--is so much greater than any that I ever thought I would know. And for us it is all still beginning...it is exciting knowing that there is even more love to experience. It has not been easy- at times I thought it would all kill me for sure- I am not a "natural" mother-- motherhood for me comes with a lot of work and struggle. I am not even a very good wife....but I am so grateful for it all---even, if not especially for the suffering--because it has given me endurance, and compassion, and kindness and hope...that I never would have without the blessed gift of suffering.

Plaese know that you can PM me anytime...or ask me any questions here--about adoption or about keeping your baby---or even just to talk about the wierd mix of emotions- fear and excitement and everything all jumbled.

You all have my prayers

 

[purpleunicorn_Andi]

you are in my prayers. God will provide the answer... I agree about the open adoption thing if you choose to go that route, but listen to your heart, and to what God is telling you... what about talking to your priest/pastor... don't know if it would help or not, but it is a thought.

I'm not going to say anything about pre marital sex.. because I can't throw stones with out being hit there myself... you never know this just might change your fiance's thoughts about having children... hopefully he will be there for you, if not you said your family is very supportive... my brother's wife just had their second child, and he was not thrilled the whole time... he didn't want kids either, but God has other plans for him... he loves his first son, and I am sure he is begining to love his new son as well... ask your fiance to go to your dr visits with you... esspecially if you are having an ultra sound... seeing the baby is an amazing experiance...

 

[BananaCake]

So many awesome responses.

I just want to echo that no baby is ever a mistake. In fact, the Bible says in quite a few places that God knows all things before we know them, especially when it come to little ones!

(Psalm 139:13-16)
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

(Isaiah 49:1)
Listen to me, you islands;
hear this, you distant nations:
Before I was born the LORD called me;
from my birth he has made mention of my name.

(Psalm 100:3)
Know that the LORD is God.
It is he who made us, and we are his...

(Jeremiah 1:5)
Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart;
I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.

My prayers are with you!

 

[oat02351]

Your child comes before everyone including your fiance or even your husband.

He took the chance of being a father every time he had sex, that's the way it is.

I would not let your fear about him leaving you, push you into doing something you don't want to do. Of course you are attached to that baby it's your baby. If you want to raise him or her, do so and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

I agree with singin4him, don't go through this alone, get help from people willing to do so.

I love your avatar!

 

[oat02351]

Thanks for all your posts and for posting you experiences! I hope I will be good mother

 

[Evangelina]

*huggggggggggggggggg*

You've gotten some great comments. About all I can add is - I think I would've found it easier to know I was on my own, than in the situation I was in with my first - with a guy who wasn't interested in any of the responsibility but still hung around because he felt he should.

Get yourself as much support as you can - from church, friends, family, wherever. If your church is unsupportive, maybe look for one in your area which runs a 'young mothers' or 'single mothers' group.

 

[oat02351]

*huggggggggggggggggg*

You've gotten some great comments. About all I can add is - I think I would've found it easier to know I was on my own, than in the situation I was in with my first - with a guy who wasn't interested in any of the responsibility but still hung around because he felt he should.

Get yourself as much support as you can - from church, friends, family, wherever. If your church is unsupportive, maybe look for one in your area which runs a 'young mothers' or 'single mothers' group.

I am so happy because my other half has come around. He actually rubs my belly now and stuff. I've never seen any one guy suffer as he did in the beginning. He was in no way mean, he was just ....suffering. He really loves me too much. Our relationship is still alive. Love conquers all. Love is heart ache, love is pain, love is honest, love is a journey and love is enduring. Thank you so much