Hanging on by a thread.

[madison1101]

Greetings,
I have been extremely busy, and dealing with a lot of life on life's terms stuff that is keeping my head spinning and my mind racing. Praise God I have no desire to drink, but the acting out urges with other behaviors are through the roof.

I got a new sponsor, and was supposed to meet up with her last week at a meeting, but I came down with some flu-like virus and was sick all last weekend. Two weeks ago, I broke a tooth and a crown fell out off another, so I needed emergency dental work. I could not pay my rent, so I got a letter threatening legal action as a result. I still need more dental work, and am dealing with pain like I would not want to wish on my enemies.

Now, I have relapsed on an acting out behavior, not chemical, but still self-defeating and self-destructive. My therapist threw a fit this week, and called my psychiatrist. I am heading to see the therapist in a few hours, as he and I were on the phone several times this week because of the behaviors.

I tried to call my sponsor this week, but got her voice mail and she has not called me back yet, which is fine. I will call her again on the way to my therapist's to see if she is heading to the meeting tonight.

Have a great weekend, and be blessed.

Trish

 

[hotsauce5000]

keep it up. just dont pick up the drink.

 

[BobW188]

Can't argue with that.

Howzitgoin?

 

[BlessEwe]

Hey I thought I replied to this the other day....um

It is sorta like God holding us up while life happens around us. Hoping to hear how things are now.

 

[madison1101]

Thanks everyone for the encouragement and feedback. It is going okay, all things are normal and most importantly, I am sober. I am not making the meetings as I used to, only because my schedule has become discombobulated, and making the early morning meeting is just not going to happen for now. Working in the evening meetings has been a challenge, but I am managing, just not like I had been. I work one evening a week. I attend Bible study one evening a week. I have not found the right fit at some evening meetings, which is okay, but I just have not found MY meetings, if you get my gyst. I will, but just not yet.

I am still struggling with the erratic emotions. My mom is in town, and she and I have not totally resolved a conflict that occurred in June. Then, tomorrow evening, there is going to be a memorial dinner for my brother, who passed into glory three years ago yesterday. Every year, his buddies from a bar where he hung out and worked honor his memory by having a meal at a restaurant that he had once worked at. Adding to it is the bittersweetness of the Phillies, our team, being in the World Series again, something he would have loved to see. I just miss him terribly.

I am still doing an acting out behavior, but it does not involved chemicals, so in one sense I am still sober, just not sane yet.

Trish

 

[madison1101]

Dear Madison, at least you are being honest and not drinking, ask God for the willingness to change, and dont beat yourself up when you slip and fall, confess your sins and he is faithful and just to forgive you and cleans you form all unrighteousenss, God forgets immediately, the hard part is making amends with ourselves huh sister?

God bless you.

PS make a quick amends with your mother if possible, it's us that has the problem.

PPS Your consellors dont really have any right to be having fits with you (in my humble opinion)

Hi Phillip,
Thanks for the encouragement. Some background about Mom and me. I did make an amends for the incident that caused us to be estranged in June, and she refused to speak with me from June, until my grandson was born in August. Since then, she never calls me, nor does she attempt to contact me. She does not accept any invitations I put forth to have her over when she is in town. I chock it up to her bipolar disorder/bitterness, which she has had my entire life. Her mental illness is not my fault, and I refuse to accept responsibility for the estrangement in our relationship when I reached out to her in June.

As for my poor therapist, he has put up with my manipulative acting out for twenty solid years, and he had to have the fit he threw because I was behaving in a manner that could have forced him to have me committed involuntarily to a psychiatric hospital if I had continued the behavior in question. Working in mental health, I totally get his point. Being the mentally ill, dually diagnosed alcoholic that I am, I hate that he is right.

Therapist have the right to have fits when they work with a patient for twenty years, see positive progress, and then see a sudden decline, toward the need to be hospitalized, especially if the patient is being noncompliant with medications and acting out in ways that had been stopped for years. I would do the same thing if I had me for a patient. Working in a psychiatric hospital, I see patients admitted repeatedly for the behaviors I have displayed in recent months.

I hope this makes sense.

Trish

 

[madison1101]

Yes it makes sense Trish, obviously I dont know the background or the behaviours - didnt mean to come accross as a know it all - that said, alcoholics try everything to avoid being honest with themselves and taking the actions required to recover including voluntary and involuntary commitment to institutions - it doesnt work.

Well you've made an effort with your mum, not much you can do but let time works its magic, which it usually does.

Thanks for understanding. Mom and I have had issues from day one, and we have had good periods, and then not so good. Some is my fault, not taking my meds properly, and not doing what I need to do to stay sane.

As for the commitment issue, I am taking it one day at a time. I am fine today. Made a meeting last night on the 11th step. Good reminder.

Trish