Had a revelation from God.

[Tony Ramirez]

The past last year especially the past two months I was really depressed. I had thoughts that God hated me. He was punishing me for my sins. Because I wanted to be in a relationship and was using him because of this he was purposely hurting me so I would say bad nasty things to him and sin against him. I was even considering leaving the church the second time even though I have a loving community of friends who care for me unlike the last church who abandoned me which made me backslide for 15 years.

I was really sick during the holidays and fell into bad dark sin blaming and cursing God's name. I was getting better health wise for Christmas eve service but I did not feel God and I was still angry and still fell into dark sin.

The new year came and I started to go out more to do my routine since the place I go to in the morning and evening was open. I also started to connect to people online.

Then last Thursday I was randomly swiping and I encounterd this woman doing doing a Bible study online. At first I did not think anything of it. Until she told her story on how she cane to christ in only three years, was so devoted to her faith after living a real sinful life who knew she was going to heaven. Meanwhile me a so called Christian been over 20 years, backslided for 15 years, then still sinned, and hated God and still kept saying that I know I am not going to heaven when I die. I contact that woman and she assures me that God loves and forgives me.

So I talk to my lifegroup and they assure I believe in God. Then that night I pray to God in a long time. Last time it was an angry prayer. I start to apologize, then I start to cry, really cry and beg for his forgiveness.

After that the next day I am filled with his spirit. I can't stop praying. I go to church worship. People greet me. I greet them. Two women who always ignore me say hello to me.

At home I am watching faith videos and reading scripture and I sometimes start to cry. I just can't stop crying because of my past sins and what I did or said. What makes me cry the most was when I was around 18 or 19 years years old as an atheist when I was handed a pamphlet that said Jesus saves and then I looked at it, then walked a few steps and threw it in the trash. Yet the woman I connected too got a pamphlet but when she took it home read it and then came to christ. I felt like I betrayed God and I can't stop crying because of that.

 

[Unqualified]

It’s all right. Maybe in time look forward, to the things God has forward and not back. But that sounds like my complete repentance too. You may find other things in the future that you are sorry for, but not guilty before God anymore.

 

[tturt]

I believe you are experiencing Godly sorrow "For godly sorrow worketh repentance unto salvation, a repentance which bringeth no regret: but the sorrow of the world worketh death." (II Cor 7:10)

Encourage you to just let things continue & when you are finished the Lord will let you know.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

After giving them my testimony in group then later I broke down crying in church on Thursday when people started to talk on how much Jesus loves you and forgives your past and future sins. After I talked to them saying I was sorry they said don't worry it's nothing to be ashamed about.

Also I been reading scripture and crying. Been watching faith based videos and testimony and crying. I also listened to just one worship song and cried. Then I texted my friend on how I received a pamphlet about coming to Jesus when I was about 18 or 19 years old and right away I threw it in the trash. I said what happened after if I would have ignored it then got hit by a car and died. I would have been condemned to hell. My friend said that it did not matter because I end up coming to God later in life anyway and that God planned it. Also when he said God loves me and we all do too I again started to cry again.

Then when I told my mother an abridged version of my testimony who is not a Christian and is more cold hearted even she started to cry. I am just worried about losing my faith again. I want to stay close to God.

 

[tturt]

At this point, might want to consider the differences between condemnation and conviction. Condemnation has guilt and shame while conviction isn't judgemental but makes us aware of what we've done was wrong.

"There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." Compared to The Holy Spirit who convicts us (John 16:8).

After repentance,, the next step is acceptance of God's forgiveness. We can think about or say such Scriptures as "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." I John 1:9). "As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us." (Psa 103:12).

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Sorry if I got it confused. It never happened to me before in my walk with God.

 

[tturt]

With the Lord's help, only you can determine what's going on, Just trying to help, God's faithfulnes & forgiveness is greater than our sin. We all have a lot to be thankful for.