GUYS- ADVICE PLEASE!!!!

[clover5770]

my husband and i have been married a little over a year. we're middle aged, and both were married previously for apx 20 yrs to other poeple. our spouses were the ones to leave the marriages the first time around-- so we're not kids that are quick to run. but i'm so close to leaving this marriage!
at this point, my husband loves me, but he must not be "in love" with me. that hurts. but what i really can't stand is that he's recently started doing yahoo sex cam. now, i'm pretty open, and if he wants to do this- i go along with it - as long as i'm there too. but recently he's started pleasuring himself frequently- about once a day. many times he pleasures himself an hour or two before i get home from work. by the time i get home, he's sleeping on the couch and i'm looking at our empty bed and another night alone. or he'll wake up through the night and go to the computer instead of me. needless to say, he doesn't need me anymore to fulfill his sexual needs. he seems to be getting deeper and deeper into areas that are more bizzare.
in doing so alone- my needs are going unmet. any ideas what i can do? he refuses counceling. of course i pray! but i'm at the end of my rope. he vowed to keep himself only unto me-- and he doesn't think of this as sin. i think this is killing any chance for our marriage. any advice-- please pass on!

 

[DaveKerwin]

remove porn from your marriage.

 

[wheels4Christ]

my husband and i have been married a little over a year. we're middle aged, and both were married previously for apx 20 yrs to other poeple. our spouses were the ones to leave the marriages the first time around-- so we're not kids that are quick to run. but i'm so close to leaving this marriage!
at this point, my husband loves me, but he must not be "in love" with me. that hurts. but what i really can't stand is that he's recently started doing yahoo sex cam. now, i'm pretty open, and if he wants to do this- i go along with it - as long as i'm there too. but recently he's started pleasuring himself frequently- about once a day. many times he pleasures himself an hour or two before i get home from work. by the time i get home, he's sleeping on the couch and i'm looking at our empty bed and another night alone. or he'll wake up through the night and go to the computer instead of me. needless to say, he doesn't need me anymore to fulfill his sexual needs. he seems to be getting deeper and deeper into areas that are more bizzare.
in doing so alone- my needs are going unmet. any ideas what i can do? he refuses counceling. of course i pray! but i'm at the end of my rope. he vowed to keep himself only unto me-- and he doesn't think of this as sin. i think this is killing any chance for our marriage. any advice-- please pass on!

Sorry to hear that. Rest assure God hears your prayer. Keep the faith. That is all we have.

May I ask if you have discussed your concerns to him regarding his addictiviness? Besides unfullfilling your needs, his actions closely resembles porn and lust of that nature.

 

[Jenna]

Hi Clover,

I'm obviously not a guy, but I've been in the same situation as yourself. I don't know that I handled things the right way, but I did what I felt I had to. I threw away all of his porn magazines and I disconnected our computer from the internet and made sure that he couldn't get back online. From that point on, even when he got mad and threw fits, I would just point out to him what the Bible says about withholding one's self from their mate, and adultery. At first he didn't want to recognize the fact that what he was doing WAS adultery, but he eventually stopped yelling long enough to listen to me. It may sound like a very strong reaction, but it was the best that I was capable of. To be honest, I was so hurt and angry, he was lucky that I didn't walk right out the door the first time that he turned me down... and then I caught him doing his thing without me-with the aid of a third party. It may very well work for some people to calmly sit down and talk and not step outside of the "submissive wife" role, but it would have meant divorce for us. My husband's behavior went far beyond curiousity or an occasional foray into porn. It wasn't something for him to deal with on his own, because it was negatively impacting our marriage and hurting me so deeply that I wondered if I could forgive him. I definitely understand what it's like to be rejected and shut out.

If I were in that kind of situation again, I think that I would talk to my spouse about sitting down for a serious conversation. I would let him know exactly how I felt, how the porn and his behavior were affecting me, and how it is changing him. Then I would ask for a change in behavior. If he refuses or makes excuses, it'll have to be up to you to decide what you can live with, and what you cannot. Some people can compromise, and I'm not going to fault them for it. I was unable to. All in all though, the best advice that I could give would to be honest, brutally so, if need be. If you need something, tell him exactly what it is. Encourage him that if he feels that he needs something from you, sexual or otherwise, to tell you what it is- even if he thinks that you'd be repulsed or whatever. Take every bit of your behavior (yours and his) apart and determine what he is getting out of online play that makes it more attractive than real sharing in his marriage bed. Only until you know exactly what you are dealing with, can either of you make lasting changes. If all I had done was to cut off the computer, without finding out what was behind the problems, my husband would have just found another way to indulge himself eventually. Like with all things, taking care of symptoms doesn't necessarily equal a cure.


I'm praying for you both.

 

[DaveKerwin]

Right on Jenna, asking for a change in his behavior, that is the best course of action.

Clover, if he loves you more than porn, he will get rid of it. Be VERY clear in telling him EXACTLY how you feel.

 

[obuchiteck]

clover5770 , maybe a less common approach would be something to consider. Now I by no means am trying to tell you what to do, (I truly don't know the situation). Sometimes people sin out of frustration, maybe there is something a little more deep threatening the relationship and you all as a couple haven't truly dealt with it? I don't think a combative approach would solve anything, In fact it might make it worse. I'm sure in his heart he knows what he's doing is wrong and possibly he does feel guilty. (it's real easy for us to judge and attack an obvious sin.) It might be the fact that he can't truly express his sexual feelings to you. I think instead of sitting down and talking this out, you all should really seek professional intervention. This isn't something that will be fixed in one conversation. In most cases issues with a married couple are not one sided. Most definitely to get better it will take the both of you to make the commitment.

 

[clover5770]

i guess the reason i'm so frustrated with all this is that as he's said- he's no longer "in love ' with me. i know that in marriage, we all have times that we've not "in love" with our spouces. heck- right now i'm not "in love" with him either. he's acting like a jerk. but if he took his vows seriously, he'd show some signs that he cares. and he doesn't. but what bothers me most is that not only do i know how this addiction of his plays out-- my former husband was addicted to the same thing--and it lead to affairs and finally desertion. but my current husband just "shuts down"- he won't talk, doesn't seem to care about me. it just plain hurts. i don't know whether to stay or to leave. why is it that men seem to value that sense of lust over love and committment? why is it that if a wife can't keep him on the verge of excitement, that they don't see her as valueable at all? just venting., thanks . clover

 

[Mustaphile]

I'd listen to Jenna, Clover. She has some practical experience and good advice. You need to get him out his denial. He can't admit he is wrong. It's pride that stands in the way. He needs to reach a point of humility, and the best way to make that happen is to make him take a serious look at himself and what he is doing. The porn has got to go. You are to be the object of his desires and nothing should come between you. Make a stand. He needs to learn this lesson now or he will go on making the same mistake over and over again. When he says he is not in love with you, I doubt that is what he really means. What he is saying is that he has lost control of a passion and that passion has started to rule his thinking. He's lost control but can't admit that to himself out of pride, so his pride makes him lash out and blame everyone but himself. Humility is what he is lacking. If you can soften his heart and make it known that you want to help him, not hurt him, then there is a chance for both of you to gain strength from this and learn some valuable lessons.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Actually, bibilically speaking, isn't adultery grounds for divorce?? But of course divorce doesn't solve anything, though if you left he might come to his senses, as long as he didn't run to some chick he met on the internet. I'm so glad my hubby doesn't do that- actually, truth be told, I'm the one who gets caught up in porn from time to time, and sometimes he goes along with it. But he'd rather be without it. If it were me, I'd be so extremely hurt. It would be hard to not take that personally. My hubby is faithful, but I've had boyfriends who weren't, and have seen how porn has affected some of my male relatives actions- I really think that it does lead to adultery- atleast in all the cases I've seen in my relatives. (Yes, it is adultery- I'm not denying that- but I'm talking about the actual physical act). Except for my mom and her soon to be husband, she really didn't care if he looked at mags- they didn't have internet until now- and they partook in porn together- so that probably made it easier for him not to want to-but every person is different. And if you feel like he is cheating on you- and he's refusing to quit- that is a problem. Didn't offer solutions, not a guy..... Sorry if I just wasted space.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Uggg, not in love huh??? I guess I've been fortunate in a way compared to some in the fact that I have never "been in love" with my husband. And have gotten to learn very early in our marriage how to "love" him using agape love- unlike those who start out with love and have a good 2-5-10 years of marriage until the feeling is no longer there.

I know i'm just on a soap box right now- but being in a marriage is not about feeling love for someone. It's about being there for someone, being a companion to them, loving them, and meeting their needs first, then your own. And learning how to practice this love, even in hurtful situations. And of course feelings are good- and I realize that most people won't stay in a marriage if there aren't feelings- and it is hard to be in that position of not loving- but staying commited- I know that personally. But on the other hand there is something so sweet about "learning" to love someone. When it becomes about treating them well, and loving them as God would- even forgiving them when they hurt you and don't apologize. If my hubby left me because of the hardness of my heart- and because of adultery- which I have been guilty of- one time once we were seperated, and all the time in my heart because of an unmet need..... then we wouldn't be together.

Clover, this is my advice to you right now in this point in time, at other times it might be different. But apply the bible to your life, and really seek the lord right now in prayer, find out which part of the bible he wants you to apply. But right now I'm thinking of where Jesus told us to love those who curse us, hurt us, persecute us-to turn the other cheek, to give to him who takes from you. To bless those who curse you and so forth. Yes, you ought to let him know- but I recommend not letting this become a point of strife in your home. Yes, it hurts deeply, but I want to recommend that you start "loving" him. Like sit and ask him how his day was, and listen intently. Ask him if you can make him something special to eat, compliment him, suggest that you two go out and do something special. And whatever you do- don't stive!!! Equalling strife. Don't lash out at him in anger and with nagging if he turns you down, rejects you, refuses to give to you what is rightfully yours, and what you ought to have. Oh, just bless him, don't seek your own needs right now- though I'm not saying that you can't tell him how you feel- just don't let it become a point of strife and anger and a continual point of yelling and unforgiveness and manipulation in your home. Because you can't change or control him nor matter how much it hurts and he's wrong- this is the author of frustration writing this right now. And being angry and bitter and making accusations, even if rightfully founded- might just make things worse. Plus this isn't your battle to fight- it's the lord's. I wish you to enter the lord's rest right now, and I'll pray for you regarding this so you don't have to suffer more than you are.

And do your best to not let it still your peace, and hurt you too badly- for your own sake- not as a condoning of it.... but until he does repent. Hope this is good advice, and I hope it is somewhat helpful.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I want to add one more thing, it's the pressure that causes men to withdrawal. They can't take the pressure. Let up on the pressure, he knows it hurts you, you don't have to continually tell him that, but don't particapate in it either- well, whatevfer you feel lead to do..... but do your best to not continually to apply pressure- and love him- not feelings wise, but actions wise. Good Luck.

 

[clover5770]

all good advice- and thank you!! first of all- i disabled his computer. my daughter still has a little laptop for school, which is how i'm able to post now- but she has her own password and has to even sign me on. i don't know if that was the right thing to do or not- but him wanting other people for excitement instead of me- i know that was so wrong and so disrespectful of me-- there was no way that i could tolerate that. this may sound silly- but if he should happen to get the thing up and going again-- i swear i'll just shoot IT- THE COMPUTER, not him..lol
i think he's gotten so into porn, it's become an addiction of lust- and that's all he wants right now-- and he's so into denial that it doesn't matter to him if i stay or leave. i was so ready to leave the last few months-- but then i saw my brother's marriage restored after the same kind of thing. it's given me a new hope, and my brother is even giving his advice to stay and wait it out a little longer. he and his wife started christian counceling- and it's been such a blessing to see the change in them. he too lovedhis wife, but didn't feel "in love" with her. began to want excitement, which did lead to addultery. but somehow god changed his heart- and he's more "in love" than ever.
so, at least for today, i'm not leaving. and you're right blood, i have to find a way to love him even when he's acting like such a jerk. but i learned something really important from my brother's experience too. his councelor showed him, and he showed me, why its so biblically important to put god first, then yourself, THEN your spouce, then your family. i had put myself way down on that list behind spouce and family. i hadn't let myself go-- but i had allowed my husband to walk all over me without standing up for myself and what i know to be godly. and the more i didn't stand up for myself, the less he respected me- even though it was him that was walking all over me - if that makes sence. anyway, i've learned that reguardless of what he does-i won't comprimise what i know to be right. thanks again. and i'll keep posting. i'm so thankful for this board! clover

 

[gary2468]

If he wants a marriage he need to radically amputate this computer. Do whatever it takes to remove the internet or block the internet from your home. That is the only solution.

 

[IslandBreeze]

What Jenna said...she said it all...

 

[gary2468]

his councelor showed him, and he showed me, why its so biblically important to put god first, then yourself, THEN your spouce, then your family. i had put myself way down on that list behind spouce and family.

That is actually incorrect. This is the correct order.

1. God
2. Spouse
3. Family
4. Work, Church, etc.

 

[oldrooster]

Get the porn out of your marrage, it has never been anything but a destroyer of relationships.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

That is actually incorrect. This is the correct order.

1. God
2. Spouse
3. Family
4. Work, Church, etc.

Umm, I don't mean to cause problems here, but I have a question- where do you all get these lists?? Is it what the church has taught you?? And who taught them, because I sure don't see anywhere in the bible an order or method to go by.

And to continue to add my two cents- My opinion is- pray! Seek God! Because he will lead you either way. To the starter of this thread- I know what you mean, there was a time, a couple of times in my life when God lead me to be tough and stand up for myself, and he gave me scripture to back it up.... That was appropriate and needed at the time. And as for what i posted earlier, that is what God has lead me to do in my marriage- which is different from these other circumstances in my life. I think that it is wise to follow your own heart on this, do as you are and continue to seek counsol from others, pray, listen to what your heart wants and says, read your bible and there will bound to be a scripture to jump out at you that comfirms one way or the either- that never fails to happen it seems.

I'm not here to condem anyone or tell anyone they aren't right. It's just that I think that sometimes we christians get so caught up in mad made rules and teachings, that someone has learned to help them when it comes to their own personal spiritual walk- but these things shouldn't be taught as the ultimate truth- unless the bible says it is.

God bless you all!

 

[momluvsjesus]

Uggg, not in love huh??? I guess I've been fortunate in a way compared to some in the fact that I have never "been in love" with my husband. And have gotten to learn very early in our marriage how to "love" him using agape love- unlike those who start out with love and have a good 2-5-10 years of marriage until the feeling is no longer there.

I know i'm just on a soap box right now- but being in a marriage is not about feeling love for someone. It's about being there for someone, being a companion to them, loving them, and meeting their needs first, then your own. And learning how to practice this love, even in hurtful situations. And of course feelings are good- and I realize that most people won't stay in a marriage if there aren't feelings- and it is hard to be in that position of not loving- but staying commited- I know that personally. But on the other hand there is something so sweet about "learning" to love someone. When it becomes about treating them well, and loving them as God would- even forgiving them when they hurt you and don't apologize. If my hubby left me because of the hardness of my heart- and because of adultery- which I have been guilty of- one time once we were seperated, and all the time in my heart because of an unmet need..... then we wouldn't be together.

Clover, this is my advice to you right now in this point in time, at other times it might be different. But apply the bible to your life, and really seek the lord right now in prayer, find out which part of the bible he wants you to apply. But right now I'm thinking of where Jesus told us to love those who curse us, hurt us, persecute us-to turn the other cheek, to give to him who takes from you. To bless those who curse you and so forth. Yes, you ought to let him know- but I recommend not letting this become a point of strife in your home. Yes, it hurts deeply, but I want to recommend that you start "loving" him. Like sit and ask him how his day was, and listen intently. Ask him if you can make him something special to eat, compliment him, suggest that you two go out and do something special. And whatever you do- don't stive!!! Equalling strife. Don't lash out at him in anger and with nagging if he turns you down, rejects you, refuses to give to you what is rightfully yours, and what you ought to have. Oh, just bless him, don't seek your own needs right now- though I'm not saying that you can't tell him how you feel- just don't let it become a point of strife and anger and a continual point of yelling and unforgiveness and manipulation in your home. Because you can't change or control him nor matter how much it hurts and he's wrong- this is the author of frustration writing this right now. And being angry and bitter and making accusations, even if rightfully founded- might just make things worse. Plus this isn't your battle to fight- it's the lord's. I wish you to enter the lord's rest right now, and I'll pray for you regarding this so you don't have to suffer more than you are.

And do your best to not let it still your peace, and hurt you too badly- for your own sake- not as a condoning of it.... but until he does repent. Hope this is good advice, and I hope it is somewhat helpful.

I definitely agree with most of this. I just think you need to continue praying about it. We aren't supposed to give up until we've prayed through. If you haven't seen your victory yet, then keep standing. I know it's hard. I have been praying for my husband's heart to soften for years now, and God is slowly revealing these changes to me. But more importantly, during the years that my husband was hurting me and verbally abusing me, I was clinging to Jesus with all of my might. It brought me closer to Him than anything else probably would have. I now have a love affair with the Lord and my husband's trippin' doesn't steal me joy anymore. That is priceless!
The more I prayed for my husband's heart to soften towards me, the more my heart softened towards him and all of a sudden I started seeing him in a different light. I stopped focusing on his flaws so much and started seeing the Jesus in Him. Whatever you focus on is what you magnify in your life. I know it sounds cliche but it's true.
The only way you're going to save your marriage and grow in your Christian walk is to do what Jesus would do. I know it hurts, but a few moments in His presence can wipe all that pain away. Keep praying, keep worshiping, keep praising, and you WILL see your marriage restored. Love your husband (according to the 1 Corinthians 13 definition) because that's what you're commanded to do, and eventually it will turn into something you desire to do!
Remember that our entire purpose is to become more like Christ. Sometimes that means going through things that are extrememly painful and unfair. I'm standing in faith with you!
Reading 1 Peter seems to keep me focused when the pain is becoming too much to bear!

 

[usatxmom]

Different take on this. I have a dh that is addicted to porn and masturbation. I have been fighting this for over 5 years now. It's better sometimes and worse sometimes. He rarely comes to bed and spends huge amounts of time on the computer. Then he got into a computer online role playing game that requires 1000's of "moves" each day for over 15 characters. Yet another type of computer addiciton. He has a problem. A big one. I have talked with him about it, cried, screamed, become suicidally depressed over it, seethed, been angry, frustrated, horrified, disgusted and then finally, accepting of it. I'm not going to leave him, after 29 years, I figure that this will pass eventually. And, I am at peace with God over this. I pray for him every moment I can and in the meantime, I get on with life. Recently, within the last few months, I have noticed a definite decrease in his porn activity. Maybe, finally, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.