Guilt over cheating

[congregant]

A first note: I recognize I have scrupulosity OCD.

This particular dilemma here started about two and a half years ago, very soon after re-dedicating myself to God. I was raised a Christian, but fell away in high school (lost belief in God and didn't consider myself a Christian at all), and came back to Christ after partying and drugs and stuff in college, realizing I was in a terrible place and needed him in my life.

Well, I cheated in a class in college under a great deal of academic pressure. A lot of kids in the class would work on the homework together, even though it was prohibited, or even get the homework answer key and just copy off it; I was no different. I justified it at the time by telling myself that the professor was a terrible instructor and probably knew this kind of stuff was going on anyway. His tests were recycled from previous years, too.

Well, one night, I went on the professor's website to get the answer sheet for that week's homework (I plain didn't understand the material). I turned it in the next day, and then I started to feel really convicted. I knew what I had been doing in that class was wrong. That taking the homework answer key was probably the single worst cheating I'd done. My school had a very strict honor code, and I was wondering if I admitted to this one thing where it would stop? Would I need to confess all the times I've ever lied and cheated, even going back to high school? Would I need to tell about the other students in the class also cheating?

What I ended up doing is taking the final exam (which was optional, but could still bring my grade down) without any aids (even though students were allowed to have a page with notes). I also changed my major to a less prestigious one in the same department. So, at the end, I didn't need that class to graduate and the C that I got brought down my GPA.

I asked God to forgive me, but I still felt condemnation. I brought the situation to a few spiritual leaders I knew – just one wouldn't satisfy my doubt. I got answers ranging from basically “It's clear you need to confess to the school. If it's the Holy Spirit convicting you, he's not going to let this go. You're just starting out in life. What would you say to your kids?” to “Do what's in your heart, but God forgives you and you should move on. Don't focus your life around this. This does not define you. If you let him, Satan will twist you on a hook about this,” to “God forgives you, but you also sinned against the university and have to get right with them,” to “God forgives you, just let it go.”

As much as I tried to move on, I still felt condemned. I graduated from college. After a few weeks, I told God that I would turn myself in if it was his will. Then, of course, I tried to convince myself that it was his will that I just move on. I was living with my parents and they saw the struggle and pain I was going through. We argued about it. Naturally, they didn't want me to do something to jeopardize my future. I think my mom was even worried I would kill myself. I even quit my job as a research assistant because I felt like I didn't deserve to work in the university and started imagining that I would taint the reputation of the professor I worked under (not the one who taught that one class) if I confessed to cheating.

I got re-baptised that summer but was stressing that I wasn't even worthy to do it, that I was being a fake Christian and not really giving my all to God. I also got back on SSRI medication at the urging of my parents. I felt like medication was a drug though and I really resisted at first.

Since then, I've had times where I've really forgotten about it and can see God working in my life. I'm an assistant leader in the youth group at my church. I believe God has answered some of my prayers. But then, at times like this past week, I have a spike of condemnation and dwell on this particular sin. I wonder if confessing to the school would be like trying to attain works righteousness. When I dwell on sin, I realize I have much less focus on the outside world and act less lovingly toward other people. But, when I try to accept God's forgiveness and move on, I feel like a fake Christian building my future on a lie (lying to people when I put my B.A. on my resume, for example) and trying to preserve my life and not really lay everything down for Christ.

I don't expect that posting on this forum will “solve” my problem. Only God can do that and I beg him to work in me and do whatever he has to do. I wanted to share this with people like you who are more likely to understand my pain. If you read this all, thanks. It's the first time I've told anyone about this in such great detail.

 

[Danny34]

The answer that is lying inside my heart is this: God, Father who loves you as His child, has forgiven you of ALL the things you have done through Jesus Christ, and you are forgiven because you meant it when confessing and regret the sin. You are free, trust me, but our conscious, especially those of people with obsessive compulsion disorder, tend to nag us so much of something that does not exist. YOU ARE FREE, Believe in this! And it's not always the devil that pokes at us about these things, its logical that it IS OCD that is making you condemn yourself because of what happened. I know in mind that there is a verse in the Bible that says that you don't have to confess your sins to man but only to God, no man can forgive you of your sins but GOD.

Here is some key advice that, to simply say, is the truth: Confess your sins honestly, remembering that you open them not to a man, but to God Himself. God knows your sins already and only wants your admission of them. You should not be embarrassed before your spiritual father: he is a person just as you are. He knows human shortcomings well, man's tendency towards sin. For this reason your spiritual father cannot be your terrible judge at confession. Is the reason that you are embarrassed before your spiritual father that you are afraid to lose his good opinion of you? On the contrary, your spiritual father will have all the more love for you when he sees your open, honest confession.

God loves you so much, He knows you, and my advice as a human is that you are free of any debt because God will ALWAYS forgive you, that feeling guilt over cheating and over the university is nothing but a feeling that has been portrayed through OCD. Trust me, in the past when I sinned a specific sin, it triggered this obsession that I was not forgiven or I was to be punished and I later found out that this was OCD. And like any other OCD symptom, I just admit that I did do that particular sin and ignored the feeling of guilt. And it worked.

Believe that you are forgiven, because you already are and have been for a while now. Tell yourself that you did cheat, accept that you this did, and then ignore the feeling of guilt because it is an irrational emotion now that all is forgiven. Work hard today and tomorrow, not to justify yourself of what you did in your past but because you are able to now and you have pass through your past and sins. God doesn't want to see you suffer, he lets us go through these things so can learn and become way better people that we are now, but never out of evil.

Again, YOU ARE FREE. I am only human to say this, but God has already forgiven you a long time ago. No more condemning yourself for the past. Tell OCD in the most casual way "Yeah I cheated, but my Lord has forgiven me and I am free of all sins."

By the way, you admitted your sins to me and other 48 anonymous people without needing to.

 

[kaykay9.0]

Well, I don't know what to tell you really, but let me share my story and you can draw your own conclusions. Make a long story short, yes, I also cheated in a couple of classes in college. It bugged me on and off for a couple of years. So I eventually (several years after graduation) went back to my dean and confessed. He said basically he wasn't going to rescind my degree but he thought I ought to re-take at least one course. So I was working full time and I was friends with my boss. She was a Christian and she agreed to give me a couple hours off a week to take this class. So I enrolled and began it. I ended up having to drop it because trying to work full time and run over to the university for this class just wasn't working out well. I intended to try again later, but as it turned out, my husband was laid off from his job and long story, short, we ended up moving out of town abruptly so he could take another job. So I had no further chance to take the class. Even after moving out of town, (making taking the class impossible) a few years later, this issue reared up in my head again, and I felt like the LORD was telling me I didn't need to worry because I didn't re-take the class. I felt like He told me I didn't need to still fret about it because I was "not under the law."
Looking back, I can't say for certain, but I kinda believe that my need to "confess" was my OCD. If I had cheated, felt guilty just a few days later or while STILL in that class, then I would say confession would be in order. But several years later, probably NOT based on my observations of my own experience at least. Again, I could be wrong, but this was my conclusion. Hope my story may help.

 

[congregant]

Thank you both very much for your responses. It still nags me but I really really want to move on.

 

[Seeking His Face]

What is sad is that despite all that you are going through, you are probably closer to God than many other Christians who don't seem to be having any problems. I personally think there is no such thing as scrupulosity, or religious OCD. I have experienced similar guilty pangs in the past over trivial things, and looking back I can chalk it up to being either Satan's accusation or the Holy Spirit's conviction. The difference is that accusation tends to draw you away from God through feelings of worthlessness, self-loathing, etc., and conviction tends to draw you toward God through a sincere desire to repent. In my layman opinion, "scrupulosity" is just a term invented by unsaved psychotherapists and sociologists in order to describe a genuine spiritual phenomenon that is experienced by true believers. It is up to you to decide whether or not these feelings are caused by Satan or the Holy Spirit. Sometimes you are being accused, and other times you are being convicted. Reject whatever seems to be drawing you away from God, and draw near to Him when you feel He is convicting you.

 

[congregant]

Probably the biggest hangup to moving on is the feeling that I have partially but not fully repented, since I still have the ill-gotten gain (academic credit). Like, if I had stolen a car, I would think returning the car would be necessary.... And, when I think way back, I even told a (not academically-related) "minor white lie" on my college application. So yeah, I feel like a wreck. Being able to distinguish between the Holy Spirit and the Satan is something I wish I could do with more confidence.

Sometimes, I'll be praying and really feeling close to God, and then I'm reminded of this and feel like he's not even going to listen to me because I'm in sin, and I feel condemned. And I can spend all day ruminating about this.

Anyway, I guess I'll try ignoring these thoughts again and hoping for God's mercy.

 

[Seeking His Face]

Ignoring those thoughts is the best thing to do when you are being accused. And don't just hope for God's mercy, accept it and move on. Walk by faith, not by your emotions. Sometimes how you feel can interfere with having faith and believing that God has truly forgiven you. If you confess your sins to God and ask for His forgiveness, and you believe that He has forgiven you, then how you feel about it afterward has no bearing on what is. Remember 1 John 1:9. Satan will try to hold you back and keep you thinking that you haven't really been forgiven, but it is a lie. You are in Christ. Walk by faith, not by sight ("sight" includes your feelings and emotions). Believing something has nothing to do with how you feel about it. Don't worry about confessing your sin to the school, they might admire your honesty, but they would brush it off as nothing anyway, and chances are, you might feel a sinful self-satisfaction and pride in your flesh over doing "the right thing". We are called to walk after the Spirit, and not after the flesh. If you want to confess to the school, there is nothing wrong with doing so, but be careful not to allow it to puff you up with spiritual pride. I'm sure you have already confessed your sins to God and asked His forgiveness, and it is crystal clear to me from your guilty conscience that you have already repented in your spirit for your wrong-doing, and that is all that matters. Don't trust your feelings. Now have faith and rest in God's assurance that you have been forgiven.

 

[congregant]

Thanks again for your thoughtful response. I had edited my last post before I saw it, but I'm not sure that would've significantly changed your response.

I know I must be wary of works righteousness, too. I know I can't trust my feelings, but trust God.

 

[lilipunzel]

It sounds like you played around as a Christian in the past , but now there has been sincere remorse. We cannot erase our pasts. All we can do is live well in the present.

 

[kaykay9.0]

I had really hoped that my real life story of going back and confessing would register with you more, Congregant. I know that sometimes just because things don't turn out well doesn't mean we shouldn't have done it, but in the case I related I think it was pretty obvious (at least to me) in retrospect that I was acting "in the flesh" in response to OCD, not to God. At least that's what I now think about the issue. I truly believe this is an OCD issue in your life and if you manage to "solve" this issue, your brain will jump to another topic/scenario. That's why it's always important to also work on treating the OCD, not just the symptoms of it. Praying for you~ I've certainly been there.

 

[congregant]

Thanks, Kaykay. It did help quite a bit, at least at first. For some reason, it's easier for me to believe that God forgives you for doing something similar than that he forgives me. Pride? I've been insecure pretty much my whole life (part, I think, is that I'm also a stutterer), and I would get a lot of self-esteem by excelling academically.

I think this problem is really ingrained in my psyche since I've been obsessing over it off and on for almost 3 years now. It's become like a "check" or a "test" that I use for my spiritual life -- like, "Now that I've heard this great preaching, how do I feel about issue X? Do I still feel the same? Nothing's changed in my situation. Can I now really really believe that God forgives me? Does this mean I've never actually been born again and forsaken everything?" Also because I've talked about this to so many people and gotten so many different answers. That's a typical thought loop, like a nagging cloud just waiting for me to shift my attention to it.

I've learned I can never out-think an OCD issue to solve it. Normally, when I have a thought that I'm 100% sure is from OCD, I think something like, "Don't feed the [OCD] beast."

Also, as with a lot of OCD sufferers, I'm worried about blaspheming the Holy Spirit -- like, what if these thought are actually the conviction of the Holy Spirit and not simply OCD or accusations of the enemy? Then if I declare them to be otherwise, it would seem like I would be guilty of blasphemy, too.

It's been getting worse, not better recently. Sometimes I have moments of relief that feel like blessings (like genuinely enjoying a worship practice last week). But at other times I feel like going to God gives me no comfort because I've wronged him. Sometimes I wonder if this particular obsession is sort of a proxy/scapegoat for some other things I'm dissatisfied with about my life. There's a complicated girl problem, too, that's stressing me out a lot.

And, in an unexpected development, in a few months my youth pastor is going to put me in charge of a discipleship/bible study (the most spiritually-related authority I've ever had). I know I have the skills and experience to handle it, but there's the terrifying thought I might be a hypocrite and lead the kids spiritually astray. Why can't I just consider this leadership role as evidence of God's favor?

Edit: Please pray for me.

 

[TowMater]

Congregant,

I am feeling absolutely every emotion and feeling that you have posted. I am presently feeling guilty about 2 instances where I have cheated. I cheated in an AP class in high school by copying off my best friend's test, who did not know I was cheating off of her. I got the AP credits for college by getting a high enough score, and even though I did not cheat on the AP Exam, I feel like I should not have gotten the credit and deceived my teacher. Just recently, maybe about 4 months ago, I was attending a youth service where I am a leader at and the pastor preached about cheating. It brought back up the feelings of when I cheated in high school and made me feel incredibly guilty about that instance. Then I thought of other another time when, a year later after the first cheating incident, I lied on a form where our professor, at the Christian college I attended, told us to sign a paper saying we honestly read the book for the class. I signed the form and did not read the whole book. So these two incidents have been consuming my thoughts, although I have already asked for God's forgiveness for those incidents that happened 3-4 years ago, and promising not to cheat again (I still have 2 years left before I get my degree). These thoughts are commonly intertwined with the many other things I feel guilt about, and I almost always have a thought of my past failures in my mind. It's making me feel depressed, which makes me feel even more guilty because I feel like I'm taking away energy that should be focused on God, my husband, and my infant son. Then I feel horrible for not being the "best" wife and mother I can be, and wishing that my family could have someone better to take care of them. It's hard for me to believe that I am forgiven by God that I question if I was ever born again, and then constantly ask for God's salvation over and over. At this point, I'm so scared that I will be condemned to hell, because if this is God's will than I feel like I'm blatantly ignoring it, even though I am a believer of Christ. Then I hear a sermon, pertain it to my cheating situation, and feel guilty because I feel like this is driving a wedge in my relationship with God because it's not Christian-like for me to have done that.

This is also difficult for me because I feel hypocritical leading the youth at my church. I feel like I will be leading them astray. I feel like I am leading my son astray. I want so badly for my son to have a relationship with God that I feel like he will not because of me.

I believe I have OCD, but have not been diagnosed or been to a doctor about it. I feel like my potential OCD is what drives me to the need to confess. There have been several occasions before I was married and was dating my husband where I have had the need to confess, and I did, yet I still did not feel resolved even after confessing to him and God, which is why I do not want to give into this current need to confess. Actually, I prayed yesterday that if it was God's will for me (because it is hard for me as well to know if my guilt is truly what God wants or my inability to forgive myself) to confess to give me an outward sign so I would know. Later that day, I heard a song on the Christian radio station I listen to with these lyrics,

"I'm praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His."

Finding this thread is really helping me. I believe it was God's hand that lead me to find this forum and this thread. Out of all the posts that could have been on the first page, there was one pertaining exactly to my situation.

I will be praying for you.

 

[kaykay9.0]

Well , to both of you, I would say this and this is is hard to accept because of the OCD battles: Even IF God did or does expect you to confess the cheating and you NEVER do, this is NOT going to be a deal breaker so to speak, in your relationship with God. OCD WILL TELL YOU OTHERWISE. That's a lie. There are things in our lives as Christians, especially if we battle OCD( but even if we don't) that we may not know how to handle. Things that the Bible doesn't specially address. Situations which demand wisdom in the correct application of God's principles.

I totally don't believe that God is going to judge us if we make the wrong call on it. Try to at least settle THAT in your mind. The dilemma with OCD is we have to try to discern what is truly God and what is the screaming, nagging voice of OCD! Otherwise we will just increasingly become a slave to the bidding of OCD. Does that make sense? I think you know what I am saying since you know it's not productive to "feed the OCD beast.". Try to discern to the best of your ability after praying about it, then MOVE ON!
Again the REAL answer to these conundrums is to treat the OCD!

 

[Almighty100]

In the passed two years I have grown tremendously in the Lord. Yesterday I was reminded of an incident were I cheated on one of my finals in college. This occurred over 19 years ago (in 2003) but yesterday I was deeply convicted by the Holy Spirit about it... so much so that it makes me sick. Furthermore, because I fear the Lord so much that when I think that I may need to confess to the school about a time that I cheated on my final by looking at my notes and that this may end up causing my Bachelor's in to be revoked/rescinded really causes me to stress out and lose sleep because then my master's and everything else will also no longer be valid. Everybody and everything I see about it seems to suggest that I am free from the guilt and shame because I truly repent with a contrite heart, but I can't help but remain with an overwhelming amount of guilt. I am waiting to hear from my pastor(s) regarding this and what they suggest. I'm also hoping that you guys are still active on here. The part about conviction vs accuser is especially significant and something I have struggled with. I sincerely hope you guys are still active and can supply an update about your situation. Lord bless.

 

[tampasteve]

In the passed two years I have grown tremendously in the Lord. Yesterday I was reminded of an incident were I cheated on one of my finals in college. This occurred over 19 years ago (in 2003) but yesterday I was deeply convicted by the Holy Spirit about it... so much so that it makes me sick. Furthermore, because I fear the Lord so much that when I think that I may need to confess to the school about a time that I cheated on my final by looking at my notes and that this may end up causing my Bachelor's in to be revoked/rescinded really causes me to stress out and lose sleep because then my master's and everything else will also no longer be valid. Everybody and everything I see about it seems to suggest that I am free from the guilt and shame because I truly repent with a contrite heart, but I can't help but remain with an overwhelming amount of guilt. I am waiting to hear from my pastor(s) regarding this and what they suggest. I'm also hoping that you guys are still active on here. The part about conviction vs accuser is especially significant and something I have struggled with. I sincerely hope you guys are still active and can supply an update about your situation. Lord bless.

I am sorry to hear of your situation, unfortunately the members/guests that posted in here have not been on the site for quite some time. I would recommend posting your question to one of our chaplains:
Ask a Chaplain - Private Area

 

[Mari17]

In the passed two years I have grown tremendously in the Lord. Yesterday I was reminded of an incident were I cheated on one of my finals in college. This occurred over 19 years ago (in 2003) but yesterday I was deeply convicted by the Holy Spirit about it... so much so that it makes me sick. Furthermore, because I fear the Lord so much that when I think that I may need to confess to the school about a time that I cheated on my final by looking at my notes and that this may end up causing my Bachelor's in to be revoked/rescinded really causes me to stress out and lose sleep because then my master's and everything else will also no longer be valid. Everybody and everything I see about it seems to suggest that I am free from the guilt and shame because I truly repent with a contrite heart, but I can't help but remain with an overwhelming amount of guilt. I am waiting to hear from my pastor(s) regarding this and what they suggest. I'm also hoping that you guys are still active on here. The part about conviction vs accuser is especially significant and something I have struggled with. I sincerely hope you guys are still active and can supply an update about your situation. Lord bless.

Hello Almighty100, did you receive help for this question that has been bothering you?

 

[Almighty100]

Thank you for your inquiry. I believe that I was being tested... and I passed the test. When the Lord saw that I was willing to do whatever it takes to follow Him I was relieved of the guilt and burden by the power of the blood. Although they are no longer active, I have prayed for each of the contributors on this thread that they may be relieved of their burden as well. May the Lord of peace be with you all. Amen.