Ok, let me preface this by saying I have never told anyone about this before, and I've been really living with this for almost 10 years. This may be a little long, but I want to get it all out in hopes that I can receive some help and prayers on this matter.
For a little background on this....
Back in high school, i had a friend named Amanda (name changed for privacy sake). She was a foster child who recently got put in a foster home in my area. Well, on the first day she was in my school, we met and hit it off almost immediately (as friends). She had gone through A LOT, from seeing a friend commit suicide, to bouncing between homes, to not knowing her real parents...she had so much emotional baggage. Well, over the course of high school, I witnessed her date quite a few of my friends, and I always got extremely jealous, because I had a huge crush on her (typical high school drama stuff). Unfortunately, Jealousy reared its head in our friendship a lot. I acted immaturely. I would show my jealousy and I was just a downright jerk to her (looking back in hindsight I realize this).
We even worked together for a while at a local fast food joint. Well, while we worked together, she got saved. I witnessed her praying for me one day in the back room, and she would often pull me into the walk in cooler to yell at me and try to pull me out of "my hole". One night, i went over to her house just to hang out, and she ended up kissing me...which prompted her to telling me "I had to go home" and I did. I was confused by this, but I figured we were both shocked by the incident and needed time to think. I was happy, nevertheless, because I felt like something could happen between us. A few day's later at work...she acted as if the incident never happened, which kind of hurt me. Well, not only that, but she came up to me and was like "guess what? Chad asked me out and I said yes!"...like I was suppose to be excited for her. Chad also worked with us...and this almost utterly destroyed me. Just 3 days earlier she kissed me, and now she's acting as if it never happened and wants me to be happy that she got asked out by a fellow friend/coworker? Jealousy once again reared its ugly head. We fought, I got fired from the job, and we didn't speak again for a long time. She finally forgave me and we mended our friendship...again.
By this time, i was in college and she was still in high school (I was a year ahead of her). I wrote her a letter explaining my feelings to her. I don't remember exactly what it said, but whatever it did, it caused her to not talk to me again. We didn't talk for a while after this. Eventually, she started going to the same college as me. We would see each other around in the hall's, in the break room(s), but she would just glare at me from across the room.
One day though, she came up to me out of the blue and said Hi...and shook my hand. I took this as a peace offering between us. Well, whenever I would see her around, we would talk some. But I started to sit with her at a break we had together...and I, once again, acted immaturely. I don't remember exactly all that I did, but I was a complete dope to her. She eventually soured on me again. (It was right about this time I got saved myself, and realized what I've been doing). I'll never forget it, one day she was coming out of the building, and I was walked past her exit...and I looked at her and said hey whats up? And she just glared at me with this look...and kept on walking. I'll never forget that look as long as I live. Right then and there, it was over between us. For good. My actions messed up the best friendship I ever had.
Fast forward about 3-4 years, I got a hold of her email address. I found out that she got her life in order and was a cop now. I was happy to see that (cause of her background). I emailed her a nice email just seeing how things where, congratulating her for the police stuff. I never expected what I got back. She emailed me BLASTING me. Saying that at one time she thought all I needed was a friend, and that I needed help and she couldn't do this anymore, and that I had serious issues etc (she was right btw). And told me to never email her again. At the time, I was completely crushed. I didn't understand what just happened. I read the email once, and deleted it...never to hear from her again.
Fast forward to about 2 years ago. Over the years as I found out what I did to her and I matured/sought help, I realized what I did. I realized that I made the biggest mistake in my life by treating my best friend the way I did (I was going through a lot of turmoil as a teen and she was the only person who seemed to care). I didn't realize any of this until much later. I felt HORRIBLE and I desperately wanted to tell her I was sorry. So...after much thought, I emailed her. I emailed her a brief paragraph apologizing for everything I did, and that I wasnt looking for a response, I just wanted her to know I was sorry and that I sought her forgiveness. I never got a response, and I never found out if she actually read the email or not. And thats where it sat.
Fast forward to present day. Just the other week, I did a "friend search" on my Facebook for all emails in my email account...lord behold, here was Amanda's profile. I sat on it for a week...wondering if I should send her a "friend request". Needless to say, I finally ended up doing so a week ago. the friend request still says "pending" (which means she hasnt been on Facebook since, or she denied my request, which is what I think happened). But she didn't block me at least. So thats where it currently sits.
Over the last decade, I've come to realize the error of my actions towards her. I took our friendship for granted and that was a HUGE mistake. She has every right to never speak to me again, but that doesn't take care of the enormous amount of guilt I feel. Ever since I realized my actions, I have been overwhelmed with the shame and guilt. I want her to forgive me. I need her to forgive me. My guilt has eaten me up alive for years....I wish she would talk to me again so i can tell her this. Or for her to at least acknowledge my email to her years ago. All I'm left with is these awful feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and a "pending friend request".
Knowing her, she's probably moved on from her past, and good for her. I'm proud of her for all she's done. Unfortunately, I'm a big part of her high school past, and that means she's moved on and will not talk to me anymore, leaving me with these feelings.
I really don't know what to do, except ask for prayer and guidance. I desperately want this resolved in my heart and want my mind clean of the guilt. I've cried more tears over my loss of friendship with her then anything else in this world. I know I can't make her speak to me again, but how do I get over these feelings and resolve it in my heart? All I would want from her is a "I forgive you" and I'd be happy. But it doesn't look like she's up for ever speaking to me again..ever.
Thank you SO MUCH for reading this. I left out a lot of details but this is the gist of it. Bless you for taking the time to read about my 10 year old problem, and I'm hoping I can get some prayers and advice from people on here. God is the only one that can help me with this. Only God can lay it on Amanda's heart to talk to me again, if that's his will of course. I pray for resolve, I pray for clearance, and I pray for these feelings of guilt and shame to be off my heart.
Please pray for me and my situation....I need them big time. This has been going on for way too long.
For a little background on this....
Back in high school, i had a friend named Amanda (name changed for privacy sake). She was a foster child who recently got put in a foster home in my area. Well, on the first day she was in my school, we met and hit it off almost immediately (as friends). She had gone through A LOT, from seeing a friend commit suicide, to bouncing between homes, to not knowing her real parents...she had so much emotional baggage. Well, over the course of high school, I witnessed her date quite a few of my friends, and I always got extremely jealous, because I had a huge crush on her (typical high school drama stuff). Unfortunately, Jealousy reared its head in our friendship a lot. I acted immaturely. I would show my jealousy and I was just a downright jerk to her (looking back in hindsight I realize this).
We even worked together for a while at a local fast food joint. Well, while we worked together, she got saved. I witnessed her praying for me one day in the back room, and she would often pull me into the walk in cooler to yell at me and try to pull me out of "my hole". One night, i went over to her house just to hang out, and she ended up kissing me...which prompted her to telling me "I had to go home" and I did. I was confused by this, but I figured we were both shocked by the incident and needed time to think. I was happy, nevertheless, because I felt like something could happen between us. A few day's later at work...she acted as if the incident never happened, which kind of hurt me. Well, not only that, but she came up to me and was like "guess what? Chad asked me out and I said yes!"...like I was suppose to be excited for her. Chad also worked with us...and this almost utterly destroyed me. Just 3 days earlier she kissed me, and now she's acting as if it never happened and wants me to be happy that she got asked out by a fellow friend/coworker? Jealousy once again reared its ugly head. We fought, I got fired from the job, and we didn't speak again for a long time. She finally forgave me and we mended our friendship...again.
By this time, i was in college and she was still in high school (I was a year ahead of her). I wrote her a letter explaining my feelings to her. I don't remember exactly what it said, but whatever it did, it caused her to not talk to me again. We didn't talk for a while after this. Eventually, she started going to the same college as me. We would see each other around in the hall's, in the break room(s), but she would just glare at me from across the room.
One day though, she came up to me out of the blue and said Hi...and shook my hand. I took this as a peace offering between us. Well, whenever I would see her around, we would talk some. But I started to sit with her at a break we had together...and I, once again, acted immaturely. I don't remember exactly all that I did, but I was a complete dope to her. She eventually soured on me again. (It was right about this time I got saved myself, and realized what I've been doing). I'll never forget it, one day she was coming out of the building, and I was walked past her exit...and I looked at her and said hey whats up? And she just glared at me with this look...and kept on walking. I'll never forget that look as long as I live. Right then and there, it was over between us. For good. My actions messed up the best friendship I ever had.
Fast forward about 3-4 years, I got a hold of her email address. I found out that she got her life in order and was a cop now. I was happy to see that (cause of her background). I emailed her a nice email just seeing how things where, congratulating her for the police stuff. I never expected what I got back. She emailed me BLASTING me. Saying that at one time she thought all I needed was a friend, and that I needed help and she couldn't do this anymore, and that I had serious issues etc (she was right btw). And told me to never email her again. At the time, I was completely crushed. I didn't understand what just happened. I read the email once, and deleted it...never to hear from her again.
Fast forward to about 2 years ago. Over the years as I found out what I did to her and I matured/sought help, I realized what I did. I realized that I made the biggest mistake in my life by treating my best friend the way I did (I was going through a lot of turmoil as a teen and she was the only person who seemed to care). I didn't realize any of this until much later. I felt HORRIBLE and I desperately wanted to tell her I was sorry. So...after much thought, I emailed her. I emailed her a brief paragraph apologizing for everything I did, and that I wasnt looking for a response, I just wanted her to know I was sorry and that I sought her forgiveness. I never got a response, and I never found out if she actually read the email or not. And thats where it sat.
Fast forward to present day. Just the other week, I did a "friend search" on my Facebook for all emails in my email account...lord behold, here was Amanda's profile. I sat on it for a week...wondering if I should send her a "friend request". Needless to say, I finally ended up doing so a week ago. the friend request still says "pending" (which means she hasnt been on Facebook since, or she denied my request, which is what I think happened). But she didn't block me at least. So thats where it currently sits.
Over the last decade, I've come to realize the error of my actions towards her. I took our friendship for granted and that was a HUGE mistake. She has every right to never speak to me again, but that doesn't take care of the enormous amount of guilt I feel. Ever since I realized my actions, I have been overwhelmed with the shame and guilt. I want her to forgive me. I need her to forgive me. My guilt has eaten me up alive for years....I wish she would talk to me again so i can tell her this. Or for her to at least acknowledge my email to her years ago. All I'm left with is these awful feelings of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and a "pending friend request".
Knowing her, she's probably moved on from her past, and good for her. I'm proud of her for all she's done. Unfortunately, I'm a big part of her high school past, and that means she's moved on and will not talk to me anymore, leaving me with these feelings.
I really don't know what to do, except ask for prayer and guidance. I desperately want this resolved in my heart and want my mind clean of the guilt. I've cried more tears over my loss of friendship with her then anything else in this world. I know I can't make her speak to me again, but how do I get over these feelings and resolve it in my heart? All I would want from her is a "I forgive you" and I'd be happy. But it doesn't look like she's up for ever speaking to me again..ever.
Thank you SO MUCH for reading this. I left out a lot of details but this is the gist of it. Bless you for taking the time to read about my 10 year old problem, and I'm hoping I can get some prayers and advice from people on here. God is the only one that can help me with this. Only God can lay it on Amanda's heart to talk to me again, if that's his will of course. I pray for resolve, I pray for clearance, and I pray for these feelings of guilt and shame to be off my heart.
Please pray for me and my situation....I need them big time. This has been going on for way too long.
God is wonderful and I greatly appreciate the support.
