Grounds for divorce?

[christianfilmcrew]

Is there any grounds for divorce for continued unabated unrepentant abuse that threatens your freedom?

I'm wondering if threatening to have a spouse thrown in jail or repeatedly calling 911 or security on a spouse who is actually innocent of doing anything wrong is abusive?

I've been faced with this for the last almost 2 years of marriage. My wife has continously abused me verbally and has called 911 in a disagreement before just because she wasn't getting her way in the disagreement.

She has a long history of calling the police and security on people and living in Las Vegas even if the man is innocent and the police know the woman is abusing he is still the one arrested from what people of both genders at work have told me.

I have never seen any sign of repentance in my wife, no remorse over sin or her violent and aggressive behaviour.

This is what she did one time:

I do feel my life and freedom is currently threatened because of my wife's behaviour... I don't know whether to pray or to file for divorce...

There is no sign of repentance over her behaviour.

 

[Henaynei]

if you feel your life is threatened, then at the very least you need to leave the physical situation - move out - perhaps with an eye toward getting her to agree to therapy - like the partner of an alcoholic you have become her enabler - this is unhealthy for both of you and potentially deadly for one - the cycle of physical abuse always increases without intervention........

 

[Genes!s]

Is she mentally ill? It sounds like there is something deeper to this than her being violent and threatening. My advice would be to take this seriously, but instead of treating the symptom, treat the underlying cause. Have her screened for mental illness. If she has something, and gets it treated, the violence will stop.

 

[Henaynei]

that is good advice Genesis, IF she will go

however, if other members of the family and close friends are aware of this as well, you may be able to do an AA type intervention where you all essentially gently "confront her with the truth" - she can easliy turn one or two people's statements into an argument but it is harder when 3 or more lovingly say the same thing.......

 

[christianfilmcrew]

I wish I could do that, but she has conned people into believing she is the victim. No one else except for me has witnessed her behaviour...

She thinks I am the one who is mentally ill

She thinks I'm the one who needs to be screened. She's seeing a counsellor but she has him convinced that she's the victim and that I'm the one who's mentally ill . I ended up firing him as a counsellor because he was one sided and wouldn't listen to my side of the story... He also told her she was free to go into internet chat rooms and talk with other men...

How am I supposed to stand against that? I can only let God be my defense. Yes I went through an emotional traumatic time, but it came after two years of mental torture, of not being allowed to have feelings etc. Once I processed all I had been through I was back to my normal self...

The problem with legal separation is that I think it will mess up my permanent residency. I think I need to get all the evidence I can to prove battery and extreme cruelty...

I also don't have the money right now for legal action... I never adopted Moriah so I have no rights there. Even if I did it would be too dangerous to go near Moriah because of Phelicia being so out of control.

The only place I think that might be able to help intervene is her old Church who the pastors walked with her through her first divorce. I do know someone who is also an old friend of hers that might be able to help... I should give them a call...

The thing is, I'm not sure I want anything more to do with this woman. My heart just can't take it and for my own sanity I don't think I can have anything more to do with this woman. She's out of control and has everyone convinced she is the victim....

I'm still scratching my head over that. I was the one on the inside of a locked door most all of the time. I was the one who ended up barricading himself inside the bedroom for a week out of sheer fear for my life even when she had left the apartment on one occasion...

I was so afraid I never told her how much life insurance I had for fear she would kill me for the money.

Yeah legal separation looks like the step I might need to take, and to get an immigration lawyer... I think the national domestic violence hotline from what I've said can help me too...

Oh gosh, I remember now calling an immigration officer asking about self petitioning because of battery, and the guy said he'd pray for me... When does that happen??? Was that God?

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

Has she ever been evaluated for Borderline Personality Disorder?

 

[christianfilmcrew]

No she hasn't, but I do believe that's what she has. When I looked it up it matched almost perfectly with what I had been seeing.

 

[christianfilmcrew]

Fluffy thanks for the information. After you were the 3rd person to mention BPD I finally looked into it... It does indeed appear that this is exactly what I have been experiencing.

In fact I came to discover that the Focus on the Family counsellor I spoke with over the phone a while back referred me to a book "Stop Walking on Eggshells", I found out last week that this book is all about BPD!!!

I bought both the book and the workbook... I called FOTF again and have tracked down a counsellor who is experienced in both marriage and personality disorders. I'm seeing her in about 1.5 hours.

When I read through the 'indicators' at www.bpdcentral.com my mouth just dropped open. It described almost perfectly what I had been experiencing..

The more I am reading on BPD the more the last 2 years are making sense. Even her whole family is making sense now, and so is my childhood and my own mum's behaviour. I'm pretty sure I grew up with my mum acting in and then because of the similarities in our families I married a BPD who was acting out in the extreme...

The other day I called her for the first time in weeks after finding out about BPD. She said straight to me, "I won't see a counsellor until you admit you're an abuser" arrrrgggghhhh BPD response of blame and projection..... Trying to paint as all black...

Thank you so so much for pointing me in the right direction. At this point my wife refuses to take responsibility for her part of the problem and she doesn't believe she is a part of the problem. I keep hearing the prognosis for such a situation isn't good and that once a BPD leaves they rarely come back. Most go off and have an affair or get involved in a new relationship (I'm remembering my requests for her to protect the marriage from infidelity and she accused me of being controlling)...

I moved in with a friend at church now, and my bills are going way down... I also got a new position at work with a substantial raise, so now I'm going to have a lot of money to pay down my old debts that I had neglected for so long (to pay my wife's old debts) and will probably have more money than I know what to do with soon...