Grieving

[StarryEyedPea]

I guess dealing with grief, the loss of a loved one, or the loss of something, is one of those life experiences that no one wants to really experience, but it is something we all experience at one time or another right?

Looking it up online, these are two of the definitions that came up when I typed in the word Grief ...

"very great sadness, especially at the death of someone"
"intense sorrow caused by loss of a loved one (especially by death)"

When i first started posting on the CF boards, I remember putting a little message up on this Grief Support board, asking something like, is this a place just for people who have lost loved ones through death, or for anyone suffering any grief.

It is so easy for us not to recognise Grief, within ourselves and within other people because sometimes people are not just grieving because someone has died.

This is something I never realised, until my life was hit by the tragedy that was a close family member dying. It was something I thought would never happen, I never thought this person would go, and you know, like many people, i didnt understand grief. I didnt allow myself to grieve, i just went into automatic.

A long time after that, did I then come to realise I had spent most my life grieving for a person, who, although not dead, was not in my life, when maybe I thought they should be.

Trying to understand the feelings I felt, and still do feel, wasnt and isnt easy, and it isnt for other people, but you know what we have to do?

We have to trust in God, we have to Trust that He is all powerful and has a plan for us, and is wrapping His huge arms around us, and carrying us when we cant walk.

We have to allow ourselves to be open to Him, and to what He wants from us , and sometimes that includes grieving.

Everyone grieves differently, there is no right or wrong way of missing, or grieving for a loved on who has died, or for someone who isnt in your life.

The important thing is to allow ourselves to let it happen. Let ourselves have emotions. No one is going to think any different of us...

I dont know what else to type right now, but i have been spending time praying about all this stuff and really wanting to type something up, to maybe encourage or support someone, if not just to share with you a little about me and some of my experiences. I am sure I will post some more, but right now i shall leave it at this.

god bless
starry eyed pea xx

 

[ArmouredSaint]

thank-you for just being here to understand with everyone THIS GRIEF. they say it soon passes,it does take its place and becomes something else.I'm up and down.God hears me and has given me the thought we're not here long anyways.Shine another day.

 

[StarryEyedPea]

thanks for replying!
its good to hear from you, and also to just share experiences with people sometimes!

like i said maybe above, i have been visiting this board for some time now, but have only just felt the prod to start posting, and joining in.

I can see a fair few people have viewed the post, but havnt replyed, which is cool, but great that you did!

I have found grief to be an up and down thing as well ... sometimes i cope with it better than others, but that is alright, and just the way I am dealing with, and learning to deal with it.

One of the biggest things i had, was allowing and accepting that , I , as a person can and could grieve, and not just be there for everyone else, and be the strong tower for the family, and that i was allowed to go and cry sometimes...

anyway, enough from me for now, god bless!

Starry Eyed Pea xx

 

[ArmouredSaint]

sometimes grief is so very silent all we can do is read. I frequently read and have trouble responding.Some days are better than others.This is a good day.

 

[LiberatedChick]

The important thing is to allow ourselves to let it happen. Let ourselves have emotions. No one is going to think any different of us...

This really hits the nail on the head for me. I didn't allow myself to experience the emotions that the death of my grandfather stirred up. I bottled them up and that seemed good for a time but a few months done the line it all hit me again. It may feel good to just bottle up the emotion and not deal with it but it only works in the short term. There's only so much you can fit in a bottle and then I turned to a different type of bottle to to release said emotions.

So my advice to any grieving person is to allow yourself to feel it. If you feel like crying then cry...don't try to stop yourself. If you feel like sitting and thinking...then sit and think. Go with the flow and let the grief take it's course.

 

[ArmouredSaint]

its hard to accept what you cannot feel.if you don't feel the pain,and block it--- there's just no way of getting over things.no meds or dr can do a thing for you.aint that grand? ----------------

 

[Desert_pea]

Thankyou for posting what you have StarryEyedPea. I am grieving the loss of a boyfriend, the one I thought I'd marry, he didnt die but I grieve for him daily. I especially needed to hear this part "We have to trust in God, we have to Trust that He is all powerful and has a plan for us, and is wrapping His huge arms around us, and carrying us when we cant walk."

Bless you,

DesertPea

 

[shazabella]

i found this a couple of months ago and thought it might be useful

VARIABLES TO YOUR GRIEVING PROCESS
BY Jeanne M. Harper, MPS

Your grieving process is unique...it is YOURS. There are many
reasons...variables...for the differences in your grief-social,
physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual or financial. Some of
the variables may include:

your age - age makes a difference: in our ability to
understand death, dying, future, problems/opportunities, etc; in
our ability to get around (go to store, meetings, church, etc)

your sex - men may grieve quite differently from women due to
old stereotypical roles/rules: men don't cry; men/women may not
know how to shop for food, do the wash, etc; women/men may not know
how to pay the bills, do the taxes, fix the car or sink, etc

your life experiences - how have you dealt with other losses
in your life? when were these losses/deaths? is this your first
death of a loved one? If experienced grieve before, you know what
normal is, like having concentration and memory (short term or long
term) problems. When the right side of the brain is overloaded
with feelings/emotionsl the left side, cognitive-thinking side has
a difficult time functioning. So you may leave the stove on and
forget it...you may lose your keys or other important items,
forgetting where you put them. Grief Support Groups help you learn
what is normal in grief.

your individual personality, coping style, adjustment - are
you the type that holds your feelings/concerns inside? or do you
talk or holler them out for others to hear? or are you the type
that WORKS your feelings and need to keep busy so NOT to feel? are
you the type that will ask for help? will ask questions? is willing
to learn? or are you the type that will work it out on your own?

your family communications, myths and attitudes about loss or
death - was it alright for you to talk of death and dying in your
family? did your family believe and need you to get over it? did
your family believe in life after death? what did they believe in
about death and dying? did they say, death is over so why cry?

your family cultural background and current environment -
stereotypically, was your family culture Italian where they expect
you to cry, wail and lament? or was it German, where they expect
you to not show emotions in public and to be stoic? or was it
Polish or Scotch/Irish, where they celebrated the life that was
with memories, food and friends? or was it Jewish with its time-
honored rituals of shiva, etc? The grieving style of significant
adults around you will make a difference as to how you allow/expect
yourself to grieve now.

your health - are you in good physical health? or do you have
chronic pain or illness? This can deplete your emotional energy as
well and make your grieving process more difficult. Are you having
aches and pains since the death? These are common. Make an
appointment for a complete physical to relieve yourself of negative
thoughts/fears.

your support system - do you have good friends and family who
will allow you to grieve YOUR way? who support you with love, care
and space? does your church support your grief? does your
communlty have a support group for those who are bereaved?

your resources available - does your library or church
library have tapes and books for those who are grieving? does your
community have trained grief counselors who offer individual,
family and/or group therapy? are your funeral directors supportive
and informed to assist you with the many details?

your financial resources - were there lots of medical bills to
be sent to medicare, medicaid, insurance? will your portion of the
bills overwhelm you? was there a will? was there insurance monies
to help with the bills, etc? do you have a good insurance agent
who can be supportive and help you through? do you have a good
lawyer and/or accountant to assist you with the tax and legal
issues? will you have an income? will you need to return to the
workforce? will you need to get trained in order to find work?
will you need babysitting services? what's available in your
community?

your relationship with the deceased - are there secondary
losses due to the death, i.e. widow/er loses mate but also partner
in raising the children and/or cannot stay in the home due to
financial constraints-so now they lose their spouse AND their
home. Did you have a good relationship with the deceased, or was
it up and down or love/hate? what was the last experience with the
deceased like for you? how did the person who died influence your
life? how much of your day involved caring or being with them?
how much did they do FOR you?

your preparedness for the death - did you have time to say "I
love you" "please forgive me"? or was it sudden without time to
clean the slate and say what needed to be said?
SUGGESTION NOTE: If you didn't have time...take the
time now and write them a Goodbye letter telling them everything
you feel you need to...then mail it, as one child did, he dug a
hole at the grave and MAILED IT; or burn it and SEND it
symbolically; or attach it to a helium balloon and SEND it to them
by lettinq it qo to the sky.

the nature of the death - where did the death take place? was
it sudden and no time to prepare or say goodbye? was it expected,
for a few hours, days, weeks? was it lengthy, like with cancer,
where it gets to feel like relief when they die and are no longer
suffering? did the medical profession provide you with information
to help you understand what was happening? was it by suicide where
there maybe lots of questions, fears, guilt, anger, etc? was it by
homicide or negligence (like with drunken or reckless drivers
killing your loved one) where they maybe lots of anger and
questions at the person who caused the death?

These are a few of the variables that can create differences in
your grieving process.

Everyone grieves in differents ways and its all ok to feel like that

- Shaz

 

[Wildwood]

It is so easy for us not to recognise Grief, within ourselves and within other people because sometimes people are not just grieving because someone has died.

Your post blessed me. I'm grieving what Patty Davis (President Reagan's daughter) called "The Long Goodbye" of losing my mother to dementia. I'm thankful for every day that I have with her. And, the moments when she remembers that I'm her daughter are precious, joyful gifts from God. Maybe what's more important, though, than remembering that I'm her daughter, is what she said once when I asked her if she knew who I was: "I know you're somebody that I love."

 

[MarieJo]

My husband died almost suddenly and was unconscious before, so we did not have the chance to say good bye, after almost being married 30years. After his death, I had a dream that he was with me and I was emptying my heart into his heart, it was as if both our hearts were linked and it was all pouring out of my heart into his.
Grieving brings a lot of sadness (I cried for a year and an half, every day, and if I missed a day, I cried twice as much the next!) but something I was unprepared for is another side of grief, I felt totally supported and enveloped in love. It is now six years, since he died. We belonged to a universal charity and worked together to help people, I feel that we are still a team. I had many dreams of him, which have helped me, but the most wonderful dream is that I saw him full of light, he was so full of light and so happy that his skin could hardly hold it in. I hope it was real (deep down I believe it is) but of course I can never be sure that my brain did not make it up to help me. Has anyone else had similar experiences?

 

[Hisbygrace]

It has been 3 years since my husband passed away, yet it still feels like yesterday. I miss him so much. We were married for 37 years and though we had had our ups and downs a stronger love had grown within us. We had truly become one. Buck had a long illness and was out of work. We were together everyday for 10 years. Both of us being ill, we helped each other. I know my health worried him and his worried me. I used to freeze up with panic when I thought about losing him. Five years before he passed away we found Christ and my fears were silenced, though I still didn't want to lose him. But it wasn't on my mind like it was before Christ came into my life. It's so funny that whether it's a sudden death or one after a long illness you are not prepared for it to happen. I have wonderful children and friends who have been so supportive of me, but still there are too many days when the loneliness for him sets in. I know I will be ok because at the funeral home I felt God's love passing though us both and heard His promise that I would be ok. I am so thankful that God didn't give up on us and brought us to Him before Buck's death, because He is what gets me through each day. Even when I'm sad and feeling alone I know that He is with me and that a part of Buck is still with me. But I do miss the physical part of our relationship. The smiles, hugs and kisses. Hearing him say I love you. It is hard when he took care of everything that broke in the house or on the car. Now I am almost taken back when anything goes wrong. But, again deep down I know I will be ok because God promised me I would. Sorry that I have just rambled on. It felt good to talk about it.

 

[ArmouredSaint]

mariejo:yea I've had dreams but more like I'm watching my dream and my girlfriend appears.it's a cruel joke on me I once thought from God.now I realize it's my own emotions causing these wishful dreams. as far as grief and going on many of you that lost longtime mates have my sympathy.how you replace 30 some years of being with someone is hard for me to even think about.what helps me cope is knowing I can and will meet someone again and this time there will be some normalcy.my loss was suicide so we didn't have years together.is that easier or do you always wish and wonder if things would have been forever.no answers........just time and time goes so slow for me now.

 

[Christdefinesme]

You know, there is a beauty I see at this moment in grief. Bear with me, most of the time I think it's ugly (my grief, anyway)......
But reading these posts, there is a beauty in us sharing our struggles and emotions, there is such beauty in attachment to our loved ones, and and in reaching out to others, to identify with eachother......
It is SO difficult to attach and stay attached, but it is also so beautiful.
Thanks to you all for sharing. It helps me to see the beauty in it all, even if it's just for a moment....
I thank the Lord for His amazing and complex creation.
May the Lord be with you all, May His Holy Spirit Sustain and Heal You.....Each One.
Amen.

 

[marieg]

I guess dealing with grief, the loss of a loved one, or the loss of something, is one of those life experiences that no one wants to really experience, but it is something we all experience at one time or another right?

Looking it up online, these are two of the definitions that came up when I typed in the word Grief ...

"very great sadness, especially at the death of someone"
"intense sorrow caused by loss of a loved one (especially by death)"

When i first started posting on the CF boards, I remember putting a little message up on this Grief Support board, asking something like, is this a place just for people who have lost loved ones through death, or for anyone suffering any grief.

It is so easy for us not to recognise Grief, within ourselves and within other people because sometimes people are not just grieving because someone has died.

This is something I never realised, until my life was hit by the tragedy that was a close family member dying. It was something I thought would never happen, I never thought this person would go, and you know, like many people, i didnt understand grief. I didnt allow myself to grieve, i just went into automatic.

A long time after that, did I then come to realise I had spent most my life grieving for a person, who, although not dead, was not in my life, when maybe I thought they should be.

Trying to understand the feelings I felt, and still do feel, wasnt and isnt easy, and it isnt for other people, but you know what we have to do?

We have to trust in God, we have to Trust that He is all powerful and has a plan for us, and is wrapping His huge arms around us, and carrying us when we cant walk.

We have to allow ourselves to be open to Him, and to what He wants from us , and sometimes that includes grieving.

Everyone grieves differently, there is no right or wrong way of missing, or grieving for a loved on who has died, or for someone who isnt in your life.

The important thing is to allow ourselves to let it happen. Let ourselves have emotions. No one is going to think any different of us...

I dont know what else to type right now, but i have been spending time praying about all this stuff and really wanting to type something up, to maybe encourage or support someone, if not just to share with you a little about me and some of my experiences. I am sure I will post some more, but right now i shall leave it at this.

god bless
starry eyed pea xx

I think this a really good post and stand in agreement with what you have said.

marieg

 

[thepianist]

I must say, grief is one of the hardest things I've personally had to deal with. It's been 7 years since my daddy passed away. I know I'll see him again one day, but that doesn't take away the pain. Yes, we all deal with grief in different ways. It does seem to get easier the farther down the road we get. I've come to see that the feelings are just as terrible when the waves come crashing down on me - they just aren't as close together as they were at the beginning.

Thank you for your post - it did my heart good to read it. May we all remember to pray for the peace and comfort each of us needs.

 

[StarryEyedPea]

I have had a struggle this week a bit, sunday being the two year anniversary of the death of someone

not an easy time, but i had to head away with work on a conference on monday so things were busy

just thought i would check in with you guys, hope everyone is ok !
god bless

Starry