Grieving miscarriage not allowed! Help...

lilismom said:

Yah most of them are in the labor and delivery ward. So that surprised me too. I have an awesome therapist who has helped me and my husband a lot, so im grateful for that. We are adjusting to this new normal, but i think greiving a child is a lifelong process, it gets less painfull as time passes, but we have a resposibility to our children to remember them fondly and become better christians, people and mothers through this.

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lilismom said:

I think God is taking our healing process into his own hands. I appreciate the suggestion and im sure many women would benefit from those groups, but for us God is carrying us and we have some people to talk to who understand. Not all of my friends have known what to say or how to help, but thats ok. And i have total faith that God knows whats best for me. If those hospital groups were what i needed than i would be there already. Thanks again for wanting to help though =)

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lilismom said:

Oh i see what you mean, we will certainly.consider that, maybe have it outside of the hospital. My hubby is sad too, but i am especially blessed in that.department because we communicate so well, and have been brought even closer by this. I never thought i would be sharing life with my best friend and my husband and they would bet he same person. But we are both sad and we.definately both want to help others through this. Good idea =) hope you are having an awesome day! Sorry about the confusion earlier sister!

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lilismom said:

For sure! Great thought thanks! =)

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GloryBeeMe said:

Versesvsvices and christaj hit the nail on the head. Your husband loves you a lot. Men flat out don't feel what we do when we lose babies. I've lost 3 and it's heartwrenching. The emotional, physical pain and the questioning of your faith and God's love etc etc...our husband are sad, no doubt. But it's not the same. You and your hubby will be in my prayers...you will get through this...I have no doubt. The pain is always there, but you and your hubby will be stronger.

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christaj said:

I don't know if you will get this message since I am posting 4 months later (I found your post on a related search), but I am praying for you.

My situation was very similar to yours. I also come from an abuse background, which colors my perceptions of just about everything. About 11 years ago I lost my only baby (7 weeks into the pregnancy) and was not allowed to grieve. I wanted to share a bit about what helped, and about some of the pitfalls I encountered (in hopes you can avoid them).

When I lost my baby, almost everyone in my church told me, "Don't cry, you'll have another baby" (I never did). My husband was not supportive. I ended up in a deep depression, and didn't get help (an antidepressant) till over a year later. I truly believe that if I had been allowed to grieve, I would have gotten over it MUCH sooner. Instead, I was determined to hang on to my grief and remember the baby that everyone else seemed determined to make me forget.

Beware that Satan WILL attack you when you are down. You can count on it. I say that not to scare you, but to make you aware. I was ignorant and it led to my downfall.

I made two major mistakes after I lost my baby.

1. I believed Satan's lie that God killed my baby - that He was mad at me. He was NOT. Just because His children were insensitive or cruel did not mean that He did not care about my pain.

2. I fell for Satan's trap - using my husband's lack of support to contrast the support of two male friends. Satan can use your vulnerability and your marriage struggles against you. (It is very common, by the way, for marriages to start having problems after a child of whatever age dies). Since my husband was not supporting me, Satan found a couple of male friends that did support me - and I ended up having two emotional affairs. One lasted about 3 years; the other about 6 weeks. (If, God forbid, you ever find yourself in this situation, I highly recommend Beth Moore's book When Godly People Do Ungodly Things. She describes the difference between everyday temptation and Satanic seduction, which is what happened to me.) If you and your husband are having difficulties, you would both be wise to see a pastor or counselor who is familiar with grief and/or miscarriage, to help you resolve any issues. And be VERY VERY careful of opening up too much to male friends during this vulnerable time in your life.

The one lifeline I had that did help was a website called Hannah's Prayer (if you Google the name, you can get the link - I haven't posted enough to this board for it to let me post with links). It is a Christian website for pregnancy loss & infertility. They also have message boards where you can post and receive messages on various topics.

Whatever you do, hang on to Jesus with all the faith you can possibly muster (which may not be much, but it doesn't have to be - if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can move mountains). He DOES care about your pain. Ask Him for what you need. He will bring you healing, and after you have healed, will use your pain to help others.

I am praying for you. I can also chat via email (though I admit I don't check my email often). Sending a cyber-hug...

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