Grieving miscarriage not allowed! Help...

[amber2754]

My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years. I come from a history of physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual abuse. My husband has a deep desire to see me have freedom from the pain that my past has on me. He has prayed and prayed for a while now about how to help me. I have gone to counseling, to women bible study groups, I have done workbooks and read books, though I have to admit when it gets difficult, I tend to flee. I do end up returning to the path, but the fleeing has frustrated my husband. Over the past few months he has decided to take a "tough love" approach with me and gave me an ultimatum, that if I didn't go see a counselor (he picked the specific one, which is a male) then he would no longer help out with the children or anything else that he does to help out around the house. We have 2 children (ages 7 1/2 & 1 1/2).

The ultimatum came a few weeks after we had a miscarriage. I felt that he was more intent on staying on the path to "healing from the past" then he was allowing me to grieve. I had already been suffering postpartum depression since my youngest child was born, so the pain of the miscarriage was overwhelming.

We ended up getting pregnant again (unexpected) and again miscarried 6 weeks ago. My husband is still very much directed to the path of healing verses allowing me time to grieve yet another miscarriage. Friends and family have begun to recognize this and have tried to talk to him about backing off for a while to allow me time to grieve, but he says God has convicted his heart that he has been enabling me and not leading me towards healing long enough and says there is no negotiation. He thinks most of my sadness and depression is related to my past abuse and doesn't recognize the pain of the miscarriages. He says he feels that I will only find healing from depression and this sadness through counseling in his time frame and his pick of counselor.

I am at the point where it is too difficult to choose to love him anymore but I don't want a divorce. I am so depressed, but I feel he refuses to give me time to grieve.

I am not sure if the expectations of my husband are reasonable and I should be able to do all of it, or is it unrealistic? I have agreed to the counseling but I feel I have had to put away the ability to grieve for now, but it is making my depression worse.

How to I manage to grieve, and deal with the pain and extra emotion of past abuse as well as the absolute feeling of being controlled all at the same time while my depression swirls to intensely that is too much. All while taking care of my children. Please if you have any suggestions I am open to hear them.

Thanks so much and sorry this is so long.

 

[seeingeyes]

My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years. I come from a history of physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual abuse. My husband has a deep desire to see me have freedom from the pain that my past has on me. He has prayed and prayed for a while now about how to help me. I have gone to counseling, to women bible study groups, I have done workbooks and read books, though I have to admit when it gets difficult, I tend to flee. I do end up returning to the path, but the fleeing has frustrated my husband. Over the past few months he has decided to take a "tough love" approach with me and gave me an ultimatum, that if I didn't go see a counselor (he picked the specific one, which is a male) then he would no longer help out with the children or anything else that he does to help out around the house. We have 2 children (ages 7 1/2 & 1 1/2).

The ultimatum came a few weeks after we had a miscarriage. I felt that he was more intent on staying on the path to "healing from the past" then he was allowing me to grieve. I had already been suffering postpartum depression since my youngest child was born, so the pain of the miscarriage was overwhelming.

We ended up getting pregnant again (unexpected) and again miscarried 6 weeks ago. My husband is still very much directed to the path of healing verses allowing me time to grieve yet another miscarriage. Friends and family have begun to recognize this and have tried to talk to him about backing off for a while to allow me time to grieve, but he says God has convicted his heart that he has been enabling me and not leading me towards healing long enough and says there is no negotiation. He thinks most of my sadness and depression is related to my past abuse and doesn't recognize the pain of the miscarriages. He says he feels that I will only find healing from depression and this sadness through counseling in his time frame and his pick of counselor.

I am at the point where it is too difficult to choose to love him anymore but I don't want a divorce. I am so depressed, but I feel he refuses to give me time to grieve.

I am not sure if the expectations of my husband are reasonable and I should be able to do all of it, or is it unrealistic? I have agreed to the counseling but I feel I have had to put away the ability to grieve for now, but it is making my depression worse.

How to I manage to grieve, and deal with the pain and extra emotion of past abuse as well as the absolute feeling of being controlled all at the same time while my depression swirls to intensely that is too much. All while taking care of my children. Please if you have any suggestions I am open to hear them.

Thanks so much and sorry this is so long.

You are absolutely allowed to grieve, sister. And counseling may even help you do that.

I don't know precisely how your husband sees the situation, of course, but I do know that in depression (even depression that has an actual cause) we tend to fold into ourselves and not want anybody to come into that space - not even if they can help.

I know what grief is. My 7 yr old son died a handful of years back. And I know that you can't go over grief, and you can't go under it, and you can't go around it. You have to go through it.

So whether your husband is being impatient or whether his intentions are pure as the driven snow, I believe that this ultimatum can do you much good.

Don't worry about the kids, they need the example of a mother who handles her business much more than they need one who pretends everything is fine. They will have heartache in their own lives, too, and they will look to you to see how to deal with it.

Would you want your kid to try to get help if she were in your shoes?

It's time, sister. Don't be afraid. Your God is with you every moment.

God bless

 

[SharonL]

Your husband sounds like he is very caring and he said God told him he is enabling you and that is the reason he is trying to bring you out of it and not because he is tired of trying.

Just know that God never loses even one - you have 2 babies waiting on you in Heaven. I had a miscarriage and was so very sad and as I was grieving I talked to God and said my baby didn't even have a name - God put on my heart that the angels had named my baby Rose Mary. It helped me get over it and put a name with my baby and God put on my heart that the angels would teach her the Oracles of God.

Give both your babies a name and know they are waiting on you in Heaven - it helped bring peace to me and at age 76 - I will get to meet my Rose Mary in a few years. So even though you never got to hold your babies, you have not lost them, they are growing in the Lord and you will meet them one day.

Here is a poem that God gave me. Please read it -

​

GOD NEVER LOSES EVEN ONE
​

Your pathway has been carefully
planned and designed.
Whether you walk it out on the earth
or spend it with Jesus, all will be fine.

​

The Word tells us Jesus knew you before you were born.
He tells us your days have been recorded
in the Book of Life where pages are never torn.

Our Father's plans for you will not go astray.
How precious your life is we will still convey.

Although you were not allowed to complete your journey on the earth,
Don't worry my child, your existence is recorded as a birth.

If you have not been allowed to minister
to those our Father designed for you here,
your place with Jesus has already been marked for you,
so have no fear.

Jesus tells us the angels will teach you
the oracles of God and His ways.
He will prepare you and you will still recognize
and welcome that mother and father in only a few days.

Comfort is waiting for those whose heart is heavy
For you see sweet child
"God never looses even one."​

~~ Sharon Lambkin ~~

 

[medieval_lady83]

I am so sorry you're going through this. Counseling for past issues sounds like a good idea, but it seems like it would be a good idea to use counseling to help you with the pain of the two miscarriages first, and then you can move on to other things.

 

[Amber Bird]

Perhaps it hurts to hear this however, it's not meant to be hurtful. It is abusive that your husband is making you adhere to his time frame for your loss.

A counselor would be a God send. However, finding one you trust is the only way you'll be able to progress through this heartbreak.

Maybe some time away, with family if they're close, so you can get out from under his expectations for you and find your own path to healing what you're feeling with all this terrible past experience you have and now the heartbreaking losses of two miscarriages to boot.

Your husband needs to grieve in his own way as well. However, he can not tell you how to do it on his schedule. He means well because you mean the world to him. However, you have to find your own path so that you, who have experienced all that suffering before and now with the loss of your two babies, can find a way to cope, come to grips and let go of the burdens that weigh on you every single day.

God's light surround you with peace. You are in my prayers sister. Cry till you can't cry anymore. God's arms are around you and he catches every tear.Just let them go, so you can begin to come back to where you belong. Free of all the burdens put upon you. There is nothing you can't do with God at your back.

You are much loved. God bless the souls of your lost little one's. (HUG)