Grieving Doesn't Work.....

[Cooch]

Like all of us, I have my share of painful memories that effect my life, my attitudes and my ability to interact.

I was listening , this afternoon, to a well known and respected psychologist with whom I am often in agreement, but when he got onto this subject.... I started wanting to break things.... or to crawl into a hole and pull the hole in after me. .

The theory that "grieving" is a process that enables healing just does not <deleted> work for me. I can no more "let go" of pain or painful memories than I can "let go" of my right hand. No matter how much I consciously relax , the hand stays attatched to the end of my arm and so do the memories to me.

Rather than permitting healing, grieving just keeps the hurts at the forefront of my attention where they rob me of emotional energy and drive me into depression.

Much as I'd love to have these issue dealt with completely, nothing so far has shown any signs of causing this to happen, so even if what I'm doing - tucking the feelings away - may the equivalent of reaching for a crutch, I believe it better to achieve that level of functionality than doing the equivalent of trying to walk on a broken leg.

I don't know if this is an Aspie thing or not. I have heard that in most people there is a psychological reaction to many kinds of emotional pain in which a switch is flicked when the pain peaks and a different process takes over, but that in a few of us, that switch isn't functional and the process becomes recursive, cycling us back into the pain.

Any suggestions?.

 

[NapoliaDinosaur]

I don't quite have any suggestions, but I do identify with what you're saying, in a sense. I've never really learned how to express things properly, and I didn't find out I had Asperger's until a few months ago...so I basically have my entire life's emotions bottled up inside still. I've done the same thing you have: trying to just bury it all, since I don't know how to deal with it. Grieving is an absolute foreign concept to me. I understand what it means to grieve, but it doesn't work for me. I don't know how to actually cope with death and the loss of loved ones. I have never learned how to (or gained the ability to) cope with any of the traumatic events in my life, so it's essentially still like they all just happened yesterday.

I tried thinking through some of it to try to figure out if I could maybe come up with a working solution for actually dealing with some of it (like the loss of my grandparents, who were the only people I was ever close with), but that only led to the feeling that I was going to have a major meltdown. So instead I have to lie to myself and try to convince myself that it never happened, just to get by.

I don't think our ways of dealing with it are healthy, though they may work for a time. Ultimately, it will get to be too much, and it will all crumble down on top of you. While I don't know what the precise solution is, I do know that dealing with it alone is not an option, and could even be dangerous to mental and emotional health. I'm actually seeing a therapist and hoping that will help. That's the only thing I know of to do.

 

[Cooch]

Please let us know if you do come across an answer.

I'd rather not have - as you say - old hurts coming back to bite me 30 years later.

I'd love to be rid of them, but until I know how, putting them back in their box and fucussing on other things beats the hell out of depression, which is where they take me if I let them out.

 

[gracechick]

We are so sensitive, but yet we think NTs don't experience what we do and I disagree. My bthlw lost his oldest brother not long after the man was married and had a son. His mother grieves still, but she says after awhile the hurt doesn't go away, but you get up everyday and go on. And this is after about 40 plus years have passed.

I know when two of my grandparents passed I shed some tears, but I stood at their grave side knowing they are with Jesus having run their race and received their reward so that has been my focus. The Lord has allowed me to see Jesus briefly twice in a vision while I continue to read believer's accounts of Heaven so with all my heart I do not wish for them to return here. But long to be set free to be home with Jesus and those that have already left and are part of our cloud of witnesses that cheer us to press on.

Truely there is no perfect remedy, but letting go and giving to the Lord grants so much more peace then kicking against the goads. That being said I am still learning how to let God, forgive and search for healing as many here seem to be doing also. To sum this post up I would say may we all continue to press on.

 

[Cooch]

Gracechick...

Your experience very much tallies with mine, with the exception that I've not ever thought that NTs don't feel emotional hurt.. They just seem to do it differently.

I've buried both of my parents. The pain doesn't go away, you never cease to miss them, but you do get more accustomed to their absence.

Likewise, I also take comfort that they are with Christ and that our separation is not permanent. I will see them again.

That's all OK, but how does it deal with the common argument that there is this grieving "process" that, if followed, brings acceptance, healing and a lessening of the pain?

Why are tears supposed to be a part of emotional healing any more than swearing after you've hit your thumb with a hammer is part of physical healing

It doesn't work and I don't see the point.

 

[hedrick]

Here's the result of an empirical study on how people actually grieve: http://jama.ama-assn.org/content/297/7/716.full. It provides some statistical support for the existence of stages of grief. But it certainly does not support a switch being flipped. In particular, acceptance is shown as slowly increasing over time. Also, these are statistical averages. There's plenty of room for individual variation.

Knowing you're an Aspie helps understand some of you your behavior. But there's still plenty of room for you to be different from other people. If you understand how you handle grief, that's great, even if it isn't the same as other people.

 

[gracechick]

I agree with hedrick that each person has to find their way through Jesus of dealing with pain and loss. Different research and studies have their place in understanding basic human behavior, but they will never allow for the needs of each individual per situation. Bottom line is don't let "them" tell you how to feel or how to live through pain only look to prayer and the wisdom and comfort of the Lord. I pray that the Lord continues to comfort and direct you as you continue to live with the loss of your parents.

 

[Cooch]

Thankyou all....

 

[dayhiker]

My experience seems to be quite different than those expressed here.

I feel emotions for a short time and then I don't have any desire or energy feel that way any longer. Both my parents are alive. I was fairly close to my grandparents. They have died. I stop by their grave when I'm back home. But I feel very little pain over them being dead. I don't know that I can express it very well, but I've noticed that I accept the way things are very quickly. I have no desire to change the past. To me emotions are judgments. Our emotions tells us what our judgments about what is happening around us are. So it appears to me that to feel pain is to miss them but its also to say that they shouldn't have left me. It seems to be to judge that they shouldn't have died and left me. I accept very quickly that they did what they had to do. They couldn't stay alive any longer. That's how I see it. I know most don't see things the way I do.

Same was true of my divorce. I didn't want my life to leave me. But it was clear at one point that she was leaving and there was nothing else I could do to keep her. So I accepted that she was doing what she had to do. Who am I to tell her she couldn't do what she felt she had to do. So I judge that she is doing what she had to do. Then my emotions are glad for her. She is doing what she had to do. I'd feel bad if she denied her own pain and did what I wanted. So I find when I look at things from her point of view then the pain goes, because I am judging the situation differently.

I've been doing this for almost 50 years. Now I find a way to accept, judge the situation very quickly. This leads the emotional pain leaving very quickly.

I doubt everyone can do this as I do. I just know it works for me.

 

[jackmt]

Like all of us, I have my share of painful memories that effect my life, my attitudes and my ability to interact.

I was listening , this afternoon, to a well known and respected psychologist with whom I am often in agreement, but when he got onto this subject.... I started wanting to break things.... or to crawl into a hole and pull the hole in after me. .

The theory that "grieving" is a process that enables healing just does not <deleted> work for me. I can no more "let go" of pain or painful memories than I can "let go" of my right hand. No matter how much I consciously relax , the hand stays attatched to the end of my arm and so do the memories to me.

Rather than permitting healing, grieving just keeps the hurts at the forefront of my attention where they rob me of emotional energy and drive me into depression.

Much as I'd love to have these issue dealt with completely, nothing so far has shown any signs of causing this to happen, so even if what I'm doing - tucking the feelings away - may the equivalent of reaching for a crutch, I believe it better to achieve that level of functionality than doing the equivalent of trying to walk on a broken leg.

I don't know if this is an Aspie thing or not. I have heard that in most people there is a psychological reaction to many kinds of emotional pain in which a switch is flicked when the pain peaks and a different process takes over, but that in a few of us, that switch isn't functional and the process becomes recursive, cycling us back into the pain.

Any suggestions?.

I can't identify with anyone in this thread. I looked each of my parents in the eyes as they were dying. I was the last person they spoke to on this earth. I felt absolutely nothing then. I thought "Well, that's over, what's next?" I never felt anything later, either. I had a good relationship with my father, and a formerly somewhat hostile, then non-existent one with my mother. I am frequently unaware of being in pain or being hungry and have to rely on awareness of behaviors - usually irritabilty - to know what is needed. I tried to observe behaviors as possible indicators of grieving. I saw nothing to indicate that I was.
My dog recently had a sudden and severe nosebleed. At first, it was an unidentified type tumor with all possibilities offering no good prognosis. I went into a 4 day depression and withdrew from her emotionally in anticipation of her dying. (She is on medications and a second opinion offers us some hope of healing.)
When my daughter was visiting this year, I enjoyed her company immensely (relatively speaking, it seems). But she was annoyed when, for instance, I would greet her in the morning with a perfunctory "Good morning" and I would fawn over my dog, lavishing praise and petting her and being very (pardon the expression) animated with her.
My point is that I feel most human (I am guessing) when I interact with animals. I feel very little about people. I thought this was more typical Aspie stuff than what you all describe. Does anyone identify?

 

[hedrick]

I can't identify with anyone in this thread. I looked each of my parents in the eyes as they were dying. I was the last person they spoke to on this earth. I felt absolutely nothing then. I thought "Well, that's over, what's next?" I never felt anything later, either. I had a good relationship with my father, and a formerly somewhat hostile, then non-existent one with my mother. I am frequently unaware of being in pain or being hungry and have to rely on awareness of behaviors - usually irritabilty - to know what is needed. I tried to observe behaviors as possible indicators of grieving. I saw nothing to indicate that I was.
My dog recently had a sudden and severe nosebleed. At first, it was an unidentified type tumor with all possibilities offering no good prognosis. I went into a 4 day depression and withdrew from her emotionally in anticipation of her dying. (She is on medications and a second opinion offers us some hope of healing.)
When my daughter was visiting this year, I enjoyed her company immensely (relatively speaking, it seems). But she was annoyed when, for instance, I would greet her in the morning with a perfunctory "Good morning" and I would fawn over my dog, lavishing praise and petting her and being very (pardon the expression) animated with her.
My point is that I feel most human (I am guessing) when I interact with animals. I feel very little about people. I thought this was more typical Aspie stuff than what you all describe. Does anyone identify?

I do. I've seldom felt any strong emotion. I haven't had anyone close die while I was around, partly because I haven't been emotionally close to very many people. The major emotion I've felt is loneliness.

I don't claim to be an Aspie, just to having some Aspie characteristics. But this may just be normal human variation. Not everything is explained by labels such as Aspie. You're allowed to be different anyway.