Hi peeps.
So i was diagnosed with BPD on Saturday just gone.
Yay.
Am feeling kind of relieved, a bit confused, cranky at Psychologist who was unqualified to purportedly diagnose me with bipolar and direct me into an unhelpful treatment plan, and all gooey and mellow on the new pills.
My story is too long to expect you to read through it all, and it's also not helpful for me to sum up every trauma that has happened in my life because it just rips open old wounds that i'm trying to heal from in the right context.
But for a very vague background....in point form....
* Family was pretty fluid...lots of halves, steps, people moving in and out and back in again and back out again. Fostered for awhile during an ok phase of family life. Mum was very distant and messed up herself, felt closer to dad but he was an alcoholic. They were both abusive and neglectful in their own ways. They finally split for good when i was 12.
* Sexually abused at 9, then maybe by about 20 different people up to now (i'm now 27). I really lost count.
* Mum started kicking me out from the age of 12. Between 12 and 16, was in refuges, friends couches, ran away once, ended up with dad for about 18 months which was fine up until the last 6 months when he got real bad on the drink and his personality totally changed.
* Started experiencing very disturbing and torturous mental issues at 14. Was ignored and branded an attention seeker. I don't know exactly what it was but it seemed like bipolar sped right up to a daily cycle, including psychotic thinking and paranoia, and the mania was totally out there with the ideas. Mental issues continued on and off to this day.
* Was with a guy for almost 4 years. Was hospitalised at 19, the guy i was with was a pedofile and heavily addicted to pornography, and that was brought right into our intimate life. He raped me on several occassions too.
* Became a Christian at 20. Experienced a couple of wounds in church by Christians, but even so, have improved dramatically. About this time last year, i saw a Psychiatrist briefly through the public system who i gathered wasn't a Christian, and after getting a vague history said that it was as if i was a new creation. His words. I hadn't used any Christian jargon with him. So that is testimony in itself.
So that is as absolutely condensed as i can get my background, i have alot of trouble condensing it and start dissociating real bad half the time. There's more too but i think that's enough for now.
Anyway....
So in June this year, my hubby started having a spiritual experience... i thought he seemed different and my gut feeling was not comfortable with it, but i dismissed it thinking "who am i to say it's not God?". A month later he had the same thing about 10 times stronger and he was manic with psychotic features. He had to be scheduled under the Mental Health Act and was in hospital for 3 weeks.
Since then, i guess there has been some change and disruption going on in my world. When he came out, he was complaining alot, very critical of me, angry that i allowed him to be scheduled, still not well generally. It took him a few months to get to an okay mental state.
Just when he got better, we went to Vanuatu for 10 days with some friends. They wanted to do it a bit more Kontiki and missions, where as i just wanted to relax and recover and hopefully get some healing in my marriage. Well, my skin was paper thin half the time. I had a very short "people quota" (a term i use to describe the amount of time i can spend around other people) and found it terrifying meeting all these new people all the time. Inside i became really angry at the guy friend and was convinced he didn't like me because he always seemed to want to do "man things" with my husband and wasn't interested in group stuff unless it went his way, like missions stuff.
After we got back, we had three weekends in a row where we were away. I was getting triggered alot with being around people and with sexual abuse stuff (like reacting when people accidentally touched me, or when i was squished between two people in the back seat of a car). Hyperventilated alot and almost vomited a few times.
In the end, i began crashing every night. Skin was paper thin and was terrified to be around people because these insecure feelings would get triggered all the time over the dumbest stuff. Even church.
In the end, i was really mad at my pastor because i thought he was doing and saying all this stuff behind my back which i accused him off. He wasn't too happy about it (understandably) and so have been avoiding him since too.
Just got so angry all the time. Couldn't seem to let go of grudges, thinking was becoming more and more suspicious, so afraid of being lied to or tricked.
Finally saw a good Psychiatrist who, after 3 sessions (i told you my history was long) diagnosed me with BPD.
Yay.
I really really really want to get better and i do have hope because i know i have had so much healing already.
A bit devastated about the financial impact all the therapy is gonna have (although it is just manageable), and quite devastated that my medication will not allow me to get pregnant because of the risks. I can't see myself being off it for any period of time in the near future, so at the age of 27, i hope i can afford another couple of years to start trying.
In the past, the idea of having BPD would have seemed like a death sentence to me, and at the time, it was. I think that's because i have read too much rubbish and have been told stuff by a few idiot doctors about it that simply isn't true. Like how one can't recover, or how a sufferer will never experience functional relationships or a steady career, or how sufferers are simply unable to follow through with commitments.
I know who i am because i know who He is.
So i was diagnosed with BPD on Saturday just gone.
Yay.
Am feeling kind of relieved, a bit confused, cranky at Psychologist who was unqualified to purportedly diagnose me with bipolar and direct me into an unhelpful treatment plan, and all gooey and mellow on the new pills.
My story is too long to expect you to read through it all, and it's also not helpful for me to sum up every trauma that has happened in my life because it just rips open old wounds that i'm trying to heal from in the right context.
But for a very vague background....in point form....
* Family was pretty fluid...lots of halves, steps, people moving in and out and back in again and back out again. Fostered for awhile during an ok phase of family life. Mum was very distant and messed up herself, felt closer to dad but he was an alcoholic. They were both abusive and neglectful in their own ways. They finally split for good when i was 12.
* Sexually abused at 9, then maybe by about 20 different people up to now (i'm now 27). I really lost count.
* Mum started kicking me out from the age of 12. Between 12 and 16, was in refuges, friends couches, ran away once, ended up with dad for about 18 months which was fine up until the last 6 months when he got real bad on the drink and his personality totally changed.
* Started experiencing very disturbing and torturous mental issues at 14. Was ignored and branded an attention seeker. I don't know exactly what it was but it seemed like bipolar sped right up to a daily cycle, including psychotic thinking and paranoia, and the mania was totally out there with the ideas. Mental issues continued on and off to this day.
* Was with a guy for almost 4 years. Was hospitalised at 19, the guy i was with was a pedofile and heavily addicted to pornography, and that was brought right into our intimate life. He raped me on several occassions too.
* Became a Christian at 20. Experienced a couple of wounds in church by Christians, but even so, have improved dramatically. About this time last year, i saw a Psychiatrist briefly through the public system who i gathered wasn't a Christian, and after getting a vague history said that it was as if i was a new creation. His words. I hadn't used any Christian jargon with him. So that is testimony in itself.
So that is as absolutely condensed as i can get my background, i have alot of trouble condensing it and start dissociating real bad half the time. There's more too but i think that's enough for now.
Anyway....
So in June this year, my hubby started having a spiritual experience... i thought he seemed different and my gut feeling was not comfortable with it, but i dismissed it thinking "who am i to say it's not God?". A month later he had the same thing about 10 times stronger and he was manic with psychotic features. He had to be scheduled under the Mental Health Act and was in hospital for 3 weeks.
Since then, i guess there has been some change and disruption going on in my world. When he came out, he was complaining alot, very critical of me, angry that i allowed him to be scheduled, still not well generally. It took him a few months to get to an okay mental state.
Just when he got better, we went to Vanuatu for 10 days with some friends. They wanted to do it a bit more Kontiki and missions, where as i just wanted to relax and recover and hopefully get some healing in my marriage. Well, my skin was paper thin half the time. I had a very short "people quota" (a term i use to describe the amount of time i can spend around other people) and found it terrifying meeting all these new people all the time. Inside i became really angry at the guy friend and was convinced he didn't like me because he always seemed to want to do "man things" with my husband and wasn't interested in group stuff unless it went his way, like missions stuff.
After we got back, we had three weekends in a row where we were away. I was getting triggered alot with being around people and with sexual abuse stuff (like reacting when people accidentally touched me, or when i was squished between two people in the back seat of a car). Hyperventilated alot and almost vomited a few times.
In the end, i began crashing every night. Skin was paper thin and was terrified to be around people because these insecure feelings would get triggered all the time over the dumbest stuff. Even church.
In the end, i was really mad at my pastor because i thought he was doing and saying all this stuff behind my back which i accused him off. He wasn't too happy about it (understandably) and so have been avoiding him since too.
Just got so angry all the time. Couldn't seem to let go of grudges, thinking was becoming more and more suspicious, so afraid of being lied to or tricked.
Finally saw a good Psychiatrist who, after 3 sessions (i told you my history was long) diagnosed me with BPD.
Yay.
I really really really want to get better and i do have hope because i know i have had so much healing already.
A bit devastated about the financial impact all the therapy is gonna have (although it is just manageable), and quite devastated that my medication will not allow me to get pregnant because of the risks. I can't see myself being off it for any period of time in the near future, so at the age of 27, i hope i can afford another couple of years to start trying.
In the past, the idea of having BPD would have seemed like a death sentence to me, and at the time, it was. I think that's because i have read too much rubbish and have been told stuff by a few idiot doctors about it that simply isn't true. Like how one can't recover, or how a sufferer will never experience functional relationships or a steady career, or how sufferers are simply unable to follow through with commitments.
I know who i am because i know who He is.
