Goodbye

[TCapp]

Darrell: you were too young. The father of my bestest best friends, a pastor trying to get his own church with his own building. A husband of a wonderful woman. You were only in your 50s, and you had lots of plans. You and Pastor Joe married G and me.

You are gone, and you left before your daughters had good men in their lives, let alone getting married and having your grandchildren. They are still spinsters, lonely for men to marry. They miss you too, despite your shortcomings and sometimes difficult nature. But you tried your best. I still don't know why you died. So mysterious. L thinks you were poisoned, but that might just be an overactive imagination on her part.

It was painful for them to watch you get sick, needing dialysis, starting to look like an ancient old man before their very eyes. All the while, I was sitting here in the Yukon. Praying for you to get better. Offering to give you one of my kidneys and being told you would be too weak for the surgery.

You died on August 1, 2001. And with you being in AZ, and me in YT, there was no way I could make it to the funeral. I didn't get to tell you goodbye. So I'm doing it now. I have not really wept for you, as I do not cry anymore. I just do not cry. I malfunction or something.

The last time I saw you was when M was 3 months old, the closest thing you had to a grandchild. You were having problems with constant skin irritations, a little bad health, but for the most part, you looked like regular ol' you. That is what I see in my mind's eye, whenever I picture you. It wasn't until a couple of years later did I see you as you looked before you died. Shriveled, ancient looking.... thin, unrecognizable. Shocking.

You were a little bit younger than my own dad. You were not allowed to die. I certainly did not give you permission to leave. I so much want to tell you to get your tail back here. But it's not to be. You're gone, and you're not coming back. Not ever. Never. Gone. For good. Finito. The end. Kaput.

It's not right.

It was a month later when I took that gastly bus trip to visit your girls and be there for them. Acknowledge their grief and share my own. The stay in Colorado was too short. Shorter than the accumulated days of riding the bus. That long, maddening bus trip. It was good to get home....... only to have terrorists strike the towers several hours later. You missed that. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know.

I was one month pregnant with my second child, a son. He came into our lives on August 4, 2001. Three days after your passing. One life ends, another begins. I think you would like him. Like his little brother too. Also conceived in grief. I heartily invite you to come back and check them all out. But it's not to be. It's not right. But that's the way it is, I guess.

I just cannot say goodbye with profound words. I just can't really say goodbye at all. I've always had trouble letting go when the time ended too soon. Good things and people always end too soon.

Grampa: I'll say goodbye to you too, later.

I love you.

 

[TCapp]

Grandpa: I miss you. You were the most wonderful grandpa in the universe. I gave you permission to go, since I know you were getting old and things just weren't functioning as well as you used. But I still miss you. I didn't get to learn enough from you.

Grandma is lonely, too. I can't go sit by her side and have a nice chat or anything. Nor could I go say goodbye to you, because you were also in AZ. You died on March 21 (my mom's birthday) 2002. When dad called to tell me, his voice was choked up. You had some wonderful sons, one who is a great Pa to me, and three nice uncles that I love a lot.

It hurts to not have you around. The last time I saw you was way back in 2000, when M was 3 months old. You go to hold her and talk to her. She studied your face with great intensity. I remember it so well.

Why did you have to leave, too? You could still be around, you know? You were too wonderful to leave. You, and your other grandchildren, and your great grandchildren miss you.

I remember you pulling me around in that little red wagon, when I was a little thing. You were just sweet and nice and gentle and loving, and the world is a lot sadder without you in it.

I miss you very very much. I'm finally crying, at least a little. I miss you. I love you.

 

[Live4theLord]

TCapp ~
Lifting you up in prayer. I am so sorry for your losses. I pray God grant you peace that passes all understanding.

God Bless,
Charity

 

[TCapp]

I thought I would start this thread to help with the whole grieving process thing. I thought this would be a way to say goodbye. Maybe it's helping, I do not know.

Mary: I miss you too. You were the first friend I made on my own since moving to the Yukon. You came every week, being an employee for Healthy Families. You gave me information on what to expect from my little baby Miriam. Being a young, first time parent was quite scary at times, and I was plagued with doubts. You made me feel like I was doing just fine, like I wasn't screwing up every time I turned around. That while parenting is challenging, I need not be terrified nor let my doubts freeze me into inaction.

You were a mama and a grandmother. You were kind of a grandma to my girl, whose real grandparents were thousands of miles away. I was taken by surprise when you retired from Healthy Families, because you were having a hard time functioning. You were on oxygen. We visited you once, in your home for a change, while Jacob was very little.

It was a couple months later, in November 2002, that Denise came to my door to tell me you were gone forever. It was a blow, so stunned was I. I....... am stunned even still, two years later.

And now, am I plagued with the doubts at parenting again. I feel like I'm screwing up every time I turn around. I am also oppressed with this terrible depression, and you're not here to listen to me tell you my tales of woe.

This Christmas, when they have the tree of life (or whatever it is called) downtown, I will hang up an ornament for you. I wanted to do it a year ago, and never got around to it.