Hello Everyone,
I am new to the CF community and this is my first post. I have been going through the absolute most difficult, darkest, most painful time of my life. I would like to just share my story and vent a little because at time I just feel so alone and not understood. I thank you in advance if you do decide to take the time out to read my story.
I guess I need to start my introducing myself. I am a 25 year old girl (well, I guess that would be "woman" now- time just flies) who was not raised in church and had very little exposure to Jesus Christ or the Bible. I never really gave any deep thought into building a relationship with God. My mother just recently (4 years ago) gave her life to God and has completely transformed into a woman of God.
When I was 19 I met the most amazing guy, we had worked together and were friends for 8 months before we started dating, or should I say before he gathered up enough courage to ask me out on a date. We hit it off instantly. Everything was perfect. I was his very first girlfriend (he wasnt really the type to go out and date a bunch of people, and neither was I- he was my second boyfriend). We came from the same military family background, had endless amounts of the same interests, loved playing video games, we were car enthusiasts, had the same goals in life, his parents were amazing and loved me and my parents loved him also.
Soon we began spending the night at each others house almost every night. After a year of us dating, he surprised me with a beautiful promise ring. A promise that one day we would be married, one day after we get our lives on track and finish school. Soon after, we had the opportunity to live with each other in a 3 bedroom home that my uncle wanted us to house-sit for 2 years. It was great, we got along great, both were going through college and spent everyday just loving each other. We always respected each other. No lying, no cheating, no volatile arguments- in fact we rarely ever argued. He was also more sensitive and open with his feelings then most of the men I had ever met. He was the perfect guy, he made me feel loved every single day, and he treated me like a queen- the way any girl would dream of being loved by her man.
Once my uncle retired form the military and came home- so we moved back into my parents home. I know this sounds so awkward, but it was far from that. My parents loved him like their own son, they never charged us rent and fully supported both of us while we went through college. By this time his parents had retired in a neighboring state. We would visit them and they accepted me just like their own daughter. I got along great with his friends and he got along great with mine.
During our time together we worked at 2 jobs together, traveled to Japan, Texas, Hawaii, Chicago, Ohio, Tennessee, Missouri. We did everything together from visiting Mt. Fuji in Japan, to Climbing Diamond Head Honolulu, to conquering roller coasters in Cedar Point, to shark diving in the warm waters of north shore, to sampling the greatest cuisine at Taste of Chicago, to eating eggs that had been boiled in Japan's sulfur springs, to enjoying the beauty of the Grand Ole Opry of Nashville, to getting splashed by killer whales at Sea World....we did EVERYTHING together, and not just big vacations- the simple things also. Just the weekend trips to the movies with our friends, or dinner at our favorite restaurant, or even just laying around at home talking about how our day has been going, how school or work was.
So you get the picture, he was my best friend, my future husband, the love of my life, my everything. Well during our time together I graduated college, became a nurse in 2009 and began to work. He graduated in 2010 and became a XRay tech and had been contemplating a very important decision- He felt God put it on his heart to become a doctor. That is one intricate piece I left out of our love story- he had been raised in church and had an on and off walk with God. When we started dating began the most time I had ever gone to church. Throughout our relationship we were both not living for God, and I even got to the point of being an unbeliever. We did always plan to do medical missionaries in the future and we had the medical field background as yet another similarity with each other- it just seemed so perfect.
When he told me that he felt God put it on his heart, I was resistant at first- I knew first hand how much doctors worked and how much time it took away from family. He began to take pre-med classes in August 2010 and at times I would be resistant, but I still supported his decision. I helped him study, made note cards, even spent 12 hours one day helping him with a project that he ended up making an A in. During the semester he began having Bible studies and his relationship with God was getting deep and closer. I will be honest, it scared me. We began to have more little fights here and there and towards the end of september he mentioned that "maybe we shouldnt be together because you dont believe the same things I do" I was crushed and heart broken and angry, he left the house and within an hour he called me back crying, saying that it was a mistake, and he doesnt want to leave me. We worked it out the next few days and I cried and cried. I kept asking "What if God wants you to leave me in the future because I dont believe?" and he promised me God would never do that, that God would want him to stay and be a Witness to me one day, and lead me to God.
At this point he wanted to change his lifestyle, no more drinking (which we rarely did anyway), no more cussing, and no more pre-marital sex. It was hard, but I respected his decision. As time went by I began to feel like we didn't have that sexual bond anymore and I also had fears that God would call him away. We had more little fights than ever before, but nothing major- in fact, we use to NEVER argue or fight, so this amount of arguing was probably comparable to a normal couple. He repeatedly promised me over and over again that he would never leave me and would wait for me as long as it took and stay by my side.
For the first time in our entire relationship we were unable to spend Christmas together (because of my work and he went out of town to visit his Dad) and also New years (once again I had work and he was out of town to visit his Mom). Well I got the most exciting news at the beggining of the year- I got early acceptance into a Master's program I had been working towards since my undergrad!! I immediately packed my stuff and moved 2 hours north of where we stayed. He was still at his Mom's at this time. I began to notice he seemed more distant over the phone. I began to fear his time away from me would make his love fade. We had never been apart for more than 3 days, and it was going on 2 weeks now.
On January 13, after he came back to my parents house form his mom's house, he made the decision to call me and end the relationship. I was devastated, blindsided, crushed- you name it. He said that he felt God was calling him to separate from me and just focus on God and doing God's work. He said he couldnt ignore God's voice anymore. Of course I did not understand, I was confused- How could he leave me?? He promised me...he PROMISED me. That was the absolute worst moment of my life. I begged him for over an hour not to leave me, i begged for us to try Christian counseling, I told him i would go to church more, try harder- please dont leave me! But the next morning he packed up his things, said goodbye to my parents (which were both crying at this point. He had been doing Bible study with my mom- she started her walk with God 4 years ago), he said goodbye to my brother (whom was like his own brother), he dropped his classes he was supposed to take for the spring and he left for his Mom's house.
Once the weekend came I immediately drove to the airport, flew to where his mom lived, rented a car and showed up on his doorstep. I felt like god was leading me there- this break up didnt feel right at all, the circumstances felt wrong, it didnt feel like a God love at all. But I didnt know why I was led there- for closure? To try to change his mind? I knew I couldnt change his mind. So I thought it was for closure. I spent the night there, we talked until 3am, he explained how God has just been opening door for him and leading him this way. He explained how he fasted for 3 days before making the decision. He explained how if it is meant to be then God will reunite us in the future. He explained how much he loves me and will always love me. He explained how he still wanted to be able to call me and check up on me. I thought i could let it go.
We hugged and kissed for the last time and said our goodbyes. I drove away and got back on the plane and flew home. I thought I could just let it go, I thought maybe this is what God wants. then as reality set in in the next few days, I realized I couldnt just "let it go". I was broken, lonely, stressed (keep in mind I just started a full time, VERY intense masters program), I began to call out to God- "Please help me Lord!" I was broken and left with nothing. I needed peace, healing, removal or all unbelief, understanding, strength-- all things I never had to ask God for, all things I always relied on myself or other people for. For the first time in my life I was out of control.
For weeks I still talked to my love on the phone, then he gradually decreased the calls to the point he wouldnt call or answer anymore- just text. And now it has gotten to the point where he does not text me or reply to my messages, or if he does then it is only one sentence if I am lucky. I begged more and pleaded with him- "lets go to God together and tell him we love each other and please forgive us but we want to be with each other", but he was set on the fact that this was Gods Will and he wanted God's perfect Will in his life and in my life. For weeks I reached out to his parents, sister, family, pastor and friends. He even left his 2 best friends behind and did not contact them after he left- until just last week when I told him that his friends were hurting and felt thrown away.
Valentines Day almost killed me, he did not call me or text me- I had to wait until 1030pm and I finally broke down and texted him, I also sent him a card. Then his birthday came a week later and I texted him again but he didnt even want to talk. Then the most painful- last thursday would have been our 6 year anniversary...it was so difficult not to call or text him, but I made it through the day, but then I broke down the next day and texted him. I was confused- how could you say you loved someone so much, but not even send one little 3- word text "I Love You"?? I almost lost it.
Anyway, for the past 2 1/2 months now, I have been seeking God like never before. Trying to build that relationship I never had...and boy has it been the MOST DIFFICULT period of my life. I am to the point it takes almost an hour for me to get out of bed in the morning- I have to read numerous devotional scriptures, etc. I also started seeing a counselor at my school, Im trying to trust in God but its so hard being a new believer. I have periods of unbelief, I am so geared towards science (because of my heavy science background and also the fact I never really was raised in church) I always want proof for everything- proof that this happened, or proof God exists. Its a constant battle in my mind. I pray daily, numerous times throughout the day, just seeking the lord. I want to feel his presence, i want to feel his comfort and guidance. Its hard for me not to get angry at God. I find myself at times asking Why?? Why did he lead him away? What did I do to deserve this? Is it really Gods will? But how? Everything seemed so perfect. If its not you leading him, then why arent you revealing that to him? and the most important one for me....Is it in Your Will to reunite us in the future lord?
I recently got Baptized a week ago on the 23rd, it was a great experience and I have really been trying to focus all of my attention on the Lord, but it gets so hard. I still cry everyday, mourning the lost of my best friend, my companion, my love. I have been trying to stop sending text messages and it is just so difficult. My parents and brother still talk to him- because he views them just as his own family. I just dont understand this. I did everything I could possible to provide for him. For the last 6 months of our relationship he did not have a job, but i did not care, money was never an issue, as long as he was happy and cared for. Whats really hard is re-reading his last Christmas card he gave me- in it is said " I want you to walk with me throught this journey as long as we live. Us being together is no coincidence, mistake, nor temporary...God has purpose in EVERYTHING!!" I just feel so abandoned, I feel like trash, like I am worthless. All of my friends and his friends were shocked, our families were shocked, everyone was shocked, including me. I still feel shocked and hurt, abandoned, confused, lost, broken... I try to immerse myself in the Word, but the memories just get so overwhelming sometiems, I cannot do anything but cry and cry and cry. I dont understand how a relationship so full of life and love could come to such a quick demise. I feel like we didnt even give it a chance to work through problems.
He re-assures me that this is not my fault. That he didnt leave because we didnt agree on things, he didnt leave because he wanted to be single, he didnt leave because he wanted to move to his mom's...he left because of faith and faith alone.
I am trying to build a strong faith based relationship with the lord, it is a constant struggle for me, mentally & emotionally. I have great supportive friends and family, i guess I just did not want to wear them out. I wanted to give this forus a try and be a part of an actual christian support group. I appreciate any prayers or words of encouragement. Being a new believer is so hard, this whole year has been difficult- my life has done a complete 180. I live away from all of my friends and family, i am now a full time student in an intense program, my best friend/man I loved has left me, and I am trying to earnestly seek God....I have a lot on my plate and I know that God has his hand in me not going nuts so far.
Thank you for listening to my long, very wordy story. I feel better getting that out.
I am new to the CF community and this is my first post. I have been going through the absolute most difficult, darkest, most painful time of my life. I would like to just share my story and vent a little because at time I just feel so alone and not understood. I thank you in advance if you do decide to take the time out to read my story.
I guess I need to start my introducing myself. I am a 25 year old girl (well, I guess that would be "woman" now- time just flies) who was not raised in church and had very little exposure to Jesus Christ or the Bible. I never really gave any deep thought into building a relationship with God. My mother just recently (4 years ago) gave her life to God and has completely transformed into a woman of God.
When I was 19 I met the most amazing guy, we had worked together and were friends for 8 months before we started dating, or should I say before he gathered up enough courage to ask me out on a date. We hit it off instantly. Everything was perfect. I was his very first girlfriend (he wasnt really the type to go out and date a bunch of people, and neither was I- he was my second boyfriend). We came from the same military family background, had endless amounts of the same interests, loved playing video games, we were car enthusiasts, had the same goals in life, his parents were amazing and loved me and my parents loved him also.
Soon we began spending the night at each others house almost every night. After a year of us dating, he surprised me with a beautiful promise ring. A promise that one day we would be married, one day after we get our lives on track and finish school. Soon after, we had the opportunity to live with each other in a 3 bedroom home that my uncle wanted us to house-sit for 2 years. It was great, we got along great, both were going through college and spent everyday just loving each other. We always respected each other. No lying, no cheating, no volatile arguments- in fact we rarely ever argued. He was also more sensitive and open with his feelings then most of the men I had ever met. He was the perfect guy, he made me feel loved every single day, and he treated me like a queen- the way any girl would dream of being loved by her man.
Once my uncle retired form the military and came home- so we moved back into my parents home. I know this sounds so awkward, but it was far from that. My parents loved him like their own son, they never charged us rent and fully supported both of us while we went through college. By this time his parents had retired in a neighboring state. We would visit them and they accepted me just like their own daughter. I got along great with his friends and he got along great with mine.
During our time together we worked at 2 jobs together, traveled to Japan, Texas, Hawaii, Chicago, Ohio, Tennessee, Missouri. We did everything together from visiting Mt. Fuji in Japan, to Climbing Diamond Head Honolulu, to conquering roller coasters in Cedar Point, to shark diving in the warm waters of north shore, to sampling the greatest cuisine at Taste of Chicago, to eating eggs that had been boiled in Japan's sulfur springs, to enjoying the beauty of the Grand Ole Opry of Nashville, to getting splashed by killer whales at Sea World....we did EVERYTHING together, and not just big vacations- the simple things also. Just the weekend trips to the movies with our friends, or dinner at our favorite restaurant, or even just laying around at home talking about how our day has been going, how school or work was.
So you get the picture, he was my best friend, my future husband, the love of my life, my everything. Well during our time together I graduated college, became a nurse in 2009 and began to work. He graduated in 2010 and became a XRay tech and had been contemplating a very important decision- He felt God put it on his heart to become a doctor. That is one intricate piece I left out of our love story- he had been raised in church and had an on and off walk with God. When we started dating began the most time I had ever gone to church. Throughout our relationship we were both not living for God, and I even got to the point of being an unbeliever. We did always plan to do medical missionaries in the future and we had the medical field background as yet another similarity with each other- it just seemed so perfect.
When he told me that he felt God put it on his heart, I was resistant at first- I knew first hand how much doctors worked and how much time it took away from family. He began to take pre-med classes in August 2010 and at times I would be resistant, but I still supported his decision. I helped him study, made note cards, even spent 12 hours one day helping him with a project that he ended up making an A in. During the semester he began having Bible studies and his relationship with God was getting deep and closer. I will be honest, it scared me. We began to have more little fights here and there and towards the end of september he mentioned that "maybe we shouldnt be together because you dont believe the same things I do" I was crushed and heart broken and angry, he left the house and within an hour he called me back crying, saying that it was a mistake, and he doesnt want to leave me. We worked it out the next few days and I cried and cried. I kept asking "What if God wants you to leave me in the future because I dont believe?" and he promised me God would never do that, that God would want him to stay and be a Witness to me one day, and lead me to God.
At this point he wanted to change his lifestyle, no more drinking (which we rarely did anyway), no more cussing, and no more pre-marital sex. It was hard, but I respected his decision. As time went by I began to feel like we didn't have that sexual bond anymore and I also had fears that God would call him away. We had more little fights than ever before, but nothing major- in fact, we use to NEVER argue or fight, so this amount of arguing was probably comparable to a normal couple. He repeatedly promised me over and over again that he would never leave me and would wait for me as long as it took and stay by my side.
For the first time in our entire relationship we were unable to spend Christmas together (because of my work and he went out of town to visit his Dad) and also New years (once again I had work and he was out of town to visit his Mom). Well I got the most exciting news at the beggining of the year- I got early acceptance into a Master's program I had been working towards since my undergrad!! I immediately packed my stuff and moved 2 hours north of where we stayed. He was still at his Mom's at this time. I began to notice he seemed more distant over the phone. I began to fear his time away from me would make his love fade. We had never been apart for more than 3 days, and it was going on 2 weeks now.
On January 13, after he came back to my parents house form his mom's house, he made the decision to call me and end the relationship. I was devastated, blindsided, crushed- you name it. He said that he felt God was calling him to separate from me and just focus on God and doing God's work. He said he couldnt ignore God's voice anymore. Of course I did not understand, I was confused- How could he leave me?? He promised me...he PROMISED me. That was the absolute worst moment of my life. I begged him for over an hour not to leave me, i begged for us to try Christian counseling, I told him i would go to church more, try harder- please dont leave me! But the next morning he packed up his things, said goodbye to my parents (which were both crying at this point. He had been doing Bible study with my mom- she started her walk with God 4 years ago), he said goodbye to my brother (whom was like his own brother), he dropped his classes he was supposed to take for the spring and he left for his Mom's house.
Once the weekend came I immediately drove to the airport, flew to where his mom lived, rented a car and showed up on his doorstep. I felt like god was leading me there- this break up didnt feel right at all, the circumstances felt wrong, it didnt feel like a God love at all. But I didnt know why I was led there- for closure? To try to change his mind? I knew I couldnt change his mind. So I thought it was for closure. I spent the night there, we talked until 3am, he explained how God has just been opening door for him and leading him this way. He explained how he fasted for 3 days before making the decision. He explained how if it is meant to be then God will reunite us in the future. He explained how much he loves me and will always love me. He explained how he still wanted to be able to call me and check up on me. I thought i could let it go.
We hugged and kissed for the last time and said our goodbyes. I drove away and got back on the plane and flew home. I thought I could just let it go, I thought maybe this is what God wants. then as reality set in in the next few days, I realized I couldnt just "let it go". I was broken, lonely, stressed (keep in mind I just started a full time, VERY intense masters program), I began to call out to God- "Please help me Lord!" I was broken and left with nothing. I needed peace, healing, removal or all unbelief, understanding, strength-- all things I never had to ask God for, all things I always relied on myself or other people for. For the first time in my life I was out of control.
For weeks I still talked to my love on the phone, then he gradually decreased the calls to the point he wouldnt call or answer anymore- just text. And now it has gotten to the point where he does not text me or reply to my messages, or if he does then it is only one sentence if I am lucky. I begged more and pleaded with him- "lets go to God together and tell him we love each other and please forgive us but we want to be with each other", but he was set on the fact that this was Gods Will and he wanted God's perfect Will in his life and in my life. For weeks I reached out to his parents, sister, family, pastor and friends. He even left his 2 best friends behind and did not contact them after he left- until just last week when I told him that his friends were hurting and felt thrown away.
Valentines Day almost killed me, he did not call me or text me- I had to wait until 1030pm and I finally broke down and texted him, I also sent him a card. Then his birthday came a week later and I texted him again but he didnt even want to talk. Then the most painful- last thursday would have been our 6 year anniversary...it was so difficult not to call or text him, but I made it through the day, but then I broke down the next day and texted him. I was confused- how could you say you loved someone so much, but not even send one little 3- word text "I Love You"?? I almost lost it.
Anyway, for the past 2 1/2 months now, I have been seeking God like never before. Trying to build that relationship I never had...and boy has it been the MOST DIFFICULT period of my life. I am to the point it takes almost an hour for me to get out of bed in the morning- I have to read numerous devotional scriptures, etc. I also started seeing a counselor at my school, Im trying to trust in God but its so hard being a new believer. I have periods of unbelief, I am so geared towards science (because of my heavy science background and also the fact I never really was raised in church) I always want proof for everything- proof that this happened, or proof God exists. Its a constant battle in my mind. I pray daily, numerous times throughout the day, just seeking the lord. I want to feel his presence, i want to feel his comfort and guidance. Its hard for me not to get angry at God. I find myself at times asking Why?? Why did he lead him away? What did I do to deserve this? Is it really Gods will? But how? Everything seemed so perfect. If its not you leading him, then why arent you revealing that to him? and the most important one for me....Is it in Your Will to reunite us in the future lord?
I recently got Baptized a week ago on the 23rd, it was a great experience and I have really been trying to focus all of my attention on the Lord, but it gets so hard. I still cry everyday, mourning the lost of my best friend, my companion, my love. I have been trying to stop sending text messages and it is just so difficult. My parents and brother still talk to him- because he views them just as his own family. I just dont understand this. I did everything I could possible to provide for him. For the last 6 months of our relationship he did not have a job, but i did not care, money was never an issue, as long as he was happy and cared for. Whats really hard is re-reading his last Christmas card he gave me- in it is said " I want you to walk with me throught this journey as long as we live. Us being together is no coincidence, mistake, nor temporary...God has purpose in EVERYTHING!!" I just feel so abandoned, I feel like trash, like I am worthless. All of my friends and his friends were shocked, our families were shocked, everyone was shocked, including me. I still feel shocked and hurt, abandoned, confused, lost, broken... I try to immerse myself in the Word, but the memories just get so overwhelming sometiems, I cannot do anything but cry and cry and cry. I dont understand how a relationship so full of life and love could come to such a quick demise. I feel like we didnt even give it a chance to work through problems.
He re-assures me that this is not my fault. That he didnt leave because we didnt agree on things, he didnt leave because he wanted to be single, he didnt leave because he wanted to move to his mom's...he left because of faith and faith alone.
I am trying to build a strong faith based relationship with the lord, it is a constant struggle for me, mentally & emotionally. I have great supportive friends and family, i guess I just did not want to wear them out. I wanted to give this forus a try and be a part of an actual christian support group. I appreciate any prayers or words of encouragement. Being a new believer is so hard, this whole year has been difficult- my life has done a complete 180. I live away from all of my friends and family, i am now a full time student in an intense program, my best friend/man I loved has left me, and I am trying to earnestly seek God....I have a lot on my plate and I know that God has his hand in me not going nuts so far.
Thank you for listening to my long, very wordy story. I feel better getting that out.
