Going Insane?

[ForeverHis777]

I really fear that I am going insane. I do not think it is an OCD thought. My OCD involves constantly questioning my spouse about his loyalty. I've been told that I have obsessive thoughts and I'm not sure what other diagnoses that I may have.

I literally cried all night because my husband was polite to a food worker. I do not want to wake up in the morning any more. I am just so in knots with all the anxiety, OCD and I feel like I'm in a constant panic attack. It's like I live to wait for the moment I can ask my husband something to ease my mind.

I have been crying for three days straight. I have even considered dying. I know this is not ok and that it's not normal. But all of this has caused also great turmoil in my marriage. My husband threatens to leave now and often calls me names when I act this way. I guess he's fed up but sometimes it feels abusive.

I just don't want to live anymore. I mean, I do. Just not like this. I feel like I am going insane! How do you know when you are truly so mentally ill that you need to be in constant care? I know this isn't normal deep down I think but I have a big problem dividing my obsessions from reality now. I am on anxiety meds. Been on a new kind for three days.

Anyone else feel wits end? Any advice?

 

[sunmicroman]

I understand what you are going through and you are NOT going insane. Your symptoms are VERY typical of OCD. You have the obsessive thought manifestation of the illness.

You can't stop dwelling on the thought of your husband cheating on you (this is the obsessive thought part) so you need constant reassurance (this is called "checking", I think) and then when you get some reassurance this relieves some of the anxiety (and makes you feel a lot better) until the OCD kicks in again with the same thoughts (and maybe worse this time). You probably then start asking others about the problem (this is called "polling") and when they reassure you (as you hope they will) you then get another small time of relief. The problem is the relief never lasts, and you always need to keep getting more reassurance which then drives the other person (the one you need the reassurance from, of course) away from you instead of closer and this creates even more anxiety and the cycle continues.

Does any of this sound familiar?

It is classic OCD. The hideous part is OCD feeds on itself and the more you try and fight it or get reassurance, the more it comes back. I believe the enemy (Satan) uses this against us too.

What I would do is seek therapy. Pray about it (I will for you too) as there are therapists (Christian ones) who specialize or are familiar with OCD and how to treat it. There are also meds to treat it (mainly antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds) so you may have to try and few before they work.

The OCD will cause anxiety, which in turn causes depression, and I believe this is what you are currently experiencing. So when you get the OCD under control (and it can be controlled and go into remission) the other symptoms will lesson and/or be easier to treat.

I hope this information helps, and feel free to contact me anytime if you just need some support. Also know that people here totally understand and you are not alone, nor are you going insane. The Lord will keep His protective Hand on you while you are going through this and will have deep pity on you as you struggle with this. He also will help you through this and you will look back on this someday when you are in remission and see how He carried you through.

 

[ForeverHis777]

Thank you Sun. What you described above is to a tee. That is exactly what I do in every aspect. Thank you for going into such depth. I did not realize that OCD could cause depression. You're right. Perhaps that is why I have been so weepy. I have also been having suicidal thoughts. Because we have children, this keeps me from actually going through with it but I often get so low that I feel that if we didn't have children I may have already hurt myself.

I have actually been asking around here to see if I'm being ridiculous when I treat him this way. I didn't realize that this was a part of the OCD. So that was very enlightening.

Thank you for your prayers as well, Sun. That means more to me than anything. God bless you for taking the time to minister to me and give me some much needed and appreciated advice.

 

[RuthD]

I have felt at wits ends many times, too. When I got the right combination of meds I stopped suffering so badly. I do have a constant mild depression though,still. Nothing is
perfect though it seems. I relate to you and hope you can get more help.

 

[shelovesChrist]

No one wants to be hurt. I don't know if it's your past relationships that is causing you to affect your current but don't worry. Communication is the key. Try talking it out. Although he might not agree with your tendacies it's a way you function and he has to understand.

 

[kaykay9.0]

This does sound like a form of OCD. We used to have a poster on here who said that a LOT of her OCD revolved around questioning her husband and "relationship type OCD." This is just something else your OCD has latched onto.

If I recall and I'm not thinking of someone else, you are desiring to get into therapy and your obstetrician has recently put you on a low dose of meds. I figure pregnancy hormones could exacerbate your emotions/OCD battles too. Just continue to be very pro-active in seeking what you need to treat this. Sounds like you are just battling OCD very strongly right now and it is having a heydey with your emotions...which is common too. You know it takes a few weeks for meds to kick in. Hopefully, this will help.

 

[annrobert]

Hello ForeverHis,
welcome to CF ,
You have got some great support here.
I am sorry you are suffering like this and I hope you feel better soon.
I hope the medications start helping soon.Are you getting therapy?
I find reading the psalms and gospels help me so much.
blessings
annrobert

 

[ForeverHis777]

Thank you Ruth, I appreciate you sharing your story. It helps me to not feel alone.

And thank you too, She Loves Christ. My past is very rocky. My father actually went to prison for many, many years for things he did to my mother and me. So I'm sure that some of this is related to my mistrust of men because of it.

And thanks, Kay Kay! You are right. That's me. Thanks for sharing about the previous poster with similiar issues. I really never knew if anyone else had this form of OCD so that made me feel more batty. Thank you for encouargingi me. Hopefully the medicine will begin to have positive effects soon.

Last but not least, thank you Ann Robert for your kind reply. I am searching for therapy but my insurance is kind of unsure if they want to cover it. So I've simply been calling around trying to find cheaper therapists in the area who I might be able to afford to go to on my own.

 

[sunmicroman]

I think you hit the nail on the head about the issues with your father and your current OCD.

The meds will help ease the symptoms and help you to cope easier, but getting therapy for the root issues will help solve the problem more permanently.

I agree with the others that your pregnancy and hormones are probably making it worse for now. But that will pass too.

I did not have the issues you had with your father, I just had a father who rejected me and was raised by a single mother that had her own issues. I don't have much family and rejection seems to be the prevailing factor in my life and that is probably my root cause for my OCD, depression, and anxiety. I am in therapy now and hopefully we'll get to these issues soon (been dealing with a few others first) so I can start my recovery from them too.

I have prayed that God will provide a therapist in your area that you can afford. Take Care.

 

[kaykay9.0]

ForeverHis777,
Your type of OCD is really not that uncommon. From what I have read, it is typically termed "relationship OCD" and it often involves the flip side where the person with OCD questions their own love for their spouse. Sometimes it can center around someone continually obsessing about "whether they married the right person." It's just another area that OCD battles can attach themselves to. Don't think you are strange to battle it. It is fairly well known in the field of OCD. OCD battles can unfortunately take so many forms. The common denominator seems to be that it attack the things that are most important to us...our faith, our relationships, our health etc.

 

[ForeverHis777]

Thanks Kay Kay! I appreciate your indepth reply. I have read about "relationship ocd" but I did not know that it could take this form. So that makes me feel better. I wish my husband could understand that this is a real disease and that I cannot get better over night. This has been very difficult.

I know he is fed up with dealing with my problem but I think for a long time I didn't really realize it was a problem. This has always been the normal for me.

As a child I would check things, do number sequences so no one "died", confess thoughts to my mother countlessly, then it moved to religious ocd. Which at the time we didn't know much about. I was telling my mother last night about OCD and she said "Gosh, I really wish we would have known how to help you. I just didn't know what was wrong."

At the beginning of our relationship I did have the "don't know if I love you" relationship OCD. I had intrusive thoughts about others. (None of this happens anymore.) I remember telling him that once a long time ago and he was furious. As rightly so - but I could never get him to understand that this was part of a disease and not related to any other people or him. I did however feel the need to confess this stuff to him from time to time.

So now over the course of time it has grown into me questioning him.

I do notice that I will attach my OCD to the most important figure in my life. In my younger days, with my father being very abusive, my mother was the only one who truly cared for me. So I required my reassurance from her.

When things got really bad at home and mom battled her own depression from the events with my dad, I turned my OCD toward religious things because God was all I had. Now it seems they have turned towards my husband.

I wonder if OCD can jump around like this? I have heard of OCDP when it's an actual personality disorder instead. Does anyone know about this?

 

[shelovesChrist]

And thank you too, She Loves Christ. My past is very rocky. My father actually went to prison for many, many years for things he did to my mother and me. So I'm sure that some of this is related to my mistrust of men because of it.

Don't worry. It's hard for me as well. My mother had an abusive boyfriend, my father wasn't around, every guy that I talked to ended up hurting me real bad, and my brother had went to the army and a part of me had resented him for that because I was left at home with my mom, sister, and her dad ( odd ball out ). Writing this all out makes me feel like woah, and currently I'm talking to someone who is an amazing man of God but everytime I dont hear from him right away or something I get so scared and paranoid that he's going to leave me. Trusting men is very hard for me and God knows this. But God said ( Isaiah 43 :18) Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. (19) Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.

 

[ForeverHis777]

What a lovely verse. This is very cool for me that you quoted that one because when we started having the marriage issues because of my OCD I really felt God speaking to me with that verse but at the time it didn't make much sense.

 

[dabro]

Yes this is very classis pure o but seeking reassurence isn't going to solve it. Meds will help! Therapy is good, staying in the Word and a good Psychatrist who understands OCD. I'm in the process of looking for new P. but with no avail. They require me to come in once for counsling and I live 20 minutes out of town and my car is broke at the moment. Pls also pray for me, I feel I'm getting farther from God. But I feel his conviction or I wouldn't be saying that. Good luck to ya and I pray you find peace in this trial!

 

[dabro]

And that is a awsome scripture to meditate on.

 

[ForeverHis777]

Thanks Dabro. I will be praying for you to find a new way to counseling and also for you to find peace in your own trial. Hang in there!