Going Crazy Inside!

[precious_one]

Hello everyone,
Its been awhile since I have been on here. I have been having some marriage problems in the past 6 months. I am so confused on what to do. Me and my husband have been having so major issue's about me going out........he hates it when I go out. There's times when I want to go out with him but times when I just want to go out with my friends. He always thinks im out messing around. He blames me all the time for seeing people. And its driving me crazy..... Like he's pushing me to go out and do it!!
Im thinking to myself mine as well go out and do it if he's going to blame me doing it all the time...Anybody eles feel the way I do?? GOING CRAZY HERE!!
HELP!!!!!!

 

[cbudc]

Well what is it that you're doing when you go out with your friends? Going to a club, a bar, out to eat what? I can defineatly understand why he'd be upset if you're going out to a club with your girlfriends. Regardless of what anyone says we all know what goes on at clubs and I can defineatly understand why he would be upset. Yes we all need our own time but if our own time is more time than what you spend with your husband something is wrong.

 

[precious_one]

Me and my friends go out karaoke, out doing our girl things...He shouldnt get upset me with every time I go out...I never say anything to him about what he does.. Im very open minded about things..

 

[alaskamolly]

When I "go out," it's to lunch with a girlfriend or two, or to a bookstore where I can get a mocha and browse the history section to my little heart's content...


I never "go out" at night with a pack of gal pal's, unless it's to a baby shower or something innoculous like that.


When you're married, you're, uh...MARRIED. You're not single anymore--no more "wild and free" stuff. You have to give up those things (while you gain other things by being married that you couldn't have when single). It can't be all about you anymore--now it's about "us." If the marraige is going to work, that is.


If your husband just has major jealousy problems, then, well...I don't really know what to say. There are some guys like that--who think their wife is having an affair everytime she goes grocery shopping without him. Those guys need major help, obviously, and if that describes your husband, then do your best to get him some help. But if he's generally sane and not prone to jealous fits everytime you turn around, and if you are sometimes going out clubbing at night WITHOUT him...then perhaps he's more justified in his response than you might think.


Warm Regards,
Molly

 

[cbudc]

Me and my friends go out karaoke, out doing our girl things...He shouldnt get upset me with every time I go out...I never say anything to him about what he does.. Im very open minded about things..

See this is where the problem is. Now, I gave my wife the freedom to do a lot of things. Sure I'd let her go out with her friends but it ALWAYS bothered me when she'd go out to the clubs or something. IMO he has every right to be a little upset. Especially if this is a normal occurance, I.E. every weekend or at least pretty frequent. It may sound innocent to you but put yourself in his shoes for a minute. How would you like it if he was out at a strip club or at the bar with his buddies. He knows people are looking at you, more than likely talking to you and there is no such thing as innocent friendly talk in a club. If some random person comes up to talk to you I gaurentee he's got a set of motives of why he is. As far as him going out, this is something you need to talk to him about. You 2 should do stuff together. Go out and enjoy each others company. Another think, are these girlfriends that you go out with single? Cause if they are that's just another reason for him to be upset. I have that to blame as a big reason of my marriage falling apart. You hang around single girls that like to go out and party and flirt and stuff it's gonna make you miss it and wish you had it. I may be being a little hard but from my past experience I don't like it.

 

[GirlieGirl]

How many nights a week are you going out without him?

 

[bkg]

See this is where the problem is. Now, I gave my wife the freedom to do a lot of things. Sure I'd let her go out with her friends but it ALWAYS bothered me when she'd go out to the clubs or something. IMO he has every right to be a little upset. Especially if this is a normal occurance, I.E. every weekend or at least pretty frequent. It may sound innocent to you but put yourself in his shoes for a minute. How would you like it if he was out at a strip club or at the bar with his buddies. He knows people are looking at you, more than likely talking to you and there is no such thing as innocent friendly talk in a club. If some random person comes up to talk to you I gaurentee he's got a set of motives of why he is. As far as him going out, this is something you need to talk to him about. You 2 should do stuff together. Go out and enjoy each others company. Another think, are these girlfriends that you go out with single? Cause if they are that's just another reason for him to be upset. I have that to blame as a big reason of my marriage falling apart. You hang around single girls that like to go out and party and flirt and stuff it's gonna make you miss it and wish you had it. I may be being a little hard but from my past experience I don't like it.

I have to say that I agree with a lot of these comments - great post.

One thing I want to key in on is something that the op said:

He shouldnt get upset me with every time I go out...I never say anything to him about what he does.. Im very open minded about things..

Seems that there is already a competition for control happening here. I have a friend who used the exact same "I never say anything about what he does" line on me recently and I'll tell you what I told her: SO WHAT? It's not about getting yours because you allowed him to have his! And it certainly is not about living the life of a single person when desired, and then a married person when desired. This same friend said to me "our lives shouldn't change just because we are married!" Wrong again.

What's important here isn't who is "right" - what's important is what is working for the marriage. I suspect there is a very real reason why there is a trust issue here, that we're not hearing about, and it's that issue that needs to be addressed, not the symptoms of the issue. I frankly don't care who is right or wrong here - I care what is going to be best for the marriage. And it seems to me, that right now, going out clubbing with the girlfriends isn't what is best for the marriage.

bkg

 

[Southern Cross]

Guys can feel like this for a few reasons:
1. He doesn't trust you
2. He doesn't trust your friends
3. He doesn't like the place you are going or how late you stay out
4. He is craving time with you and he's get jealous or hurt
5. He is scared of losing you
6. He's got control issues

Do any of the above apply to your husband?

I had major problems with my wife going out with a few of her friends because I felt they were a bad influence on her. I've learned to trust my inner instincts about people - and I did not trust the friends she was hanging out with for reasons I won't mention here... If they were just going to the mall, I'd probably be ok. But if they were going to our local bar/pool hall, I'd get fairly upset, especially if I was left home with the kids until 1 or 2 a.m. after working a 12 hour day. No use in complaining about it, just telling you how I (as the husband) felt about it. It was definitely a big issue in the decline of our marriage, but it wasn't the only one. If I tried to stop it, it would end up as a big argument.

I really tried to encourage my wife to go out with friends that were strong Christians. It wan't that I wanted her hanging out with just Christians, but at this point in our lives I needed to trust her. I had absolutely no worries when she went out with friends from church, etc. In fact, I was really happy about it.

Sit down, talk it over with your husband, let him know where you'll be and who you'll be with. Get home by an agreed upon time. Make darn sure you don't get to be friends with other guys outside of your husband's knowledge.

You know, I have my own worries about the ladies night out stuff, and I'm probably a little bit of a tight wad about it (really, I never used to be). Probably goes for a lot of ladies out there too when their husbands go out with friends. I'm a firm believer that you should try as best you can to surround yourself with a few key Christian friends to spend evenings with. You need to be involved in a circle of friends where you can go out and have fun, but also be a positive influence on each other and hold each other accountable if needed. That way when you hang out with people who don't believe, you at last have someone to fall back on and talk to and confide in.

To bottom line it, if your husband disagrees with you going out or the places you are going, it can contribute to chipping away the foundations of your marriage.

One more thing. Get to know a few other couples, do the double dating thing. And when the time comes for you to go out alone with that friend, your husband will probably feel a bit more secure. I'm sure in some way he is probably scared of losing you. When was the last time you took him on a date to spend time alone with him outside the house? I mean a real date?

 

[andiesmama]

If it's every once in awhile, like once every month or two, then I think your husband should be a little bit more reasonable. But if you're going out every weekend or so to bars, even if it's with married girlfriends, I think he has a valid point.

The bottom line is....if it's making your husband uncomfortable, is it worth it to your marriage to keep on doing it??

 

[precious_one]

Thanks all who replyed!...I let my husband do whatever he wants to do.. If he wants to go out to a strip club with his friends, it wouldnt bother me.. I have even went to one with him before..im a very open person.. he has even been out to the bars with me. He dont care for it that much.. but thats something that I like to do. I dont go out every weekend.. 2-3 times a month. In my mind being very open should be a good thing!!!!! But for some reason we fight about it all the time.... Southern Cross, you said some few things the were right on about him.. about being scared to lose me,doesnt trust me... Thats what we always fight about... Trust!!...........

 

[Busybee]

If he wants to go out to a strip club with his friends, it wouldnt bother me

I'm definitely no expert, however the fact that you don't mind him doing something that's well, ungodly such as looking at other women, may have led your husband to believe that you don't really care about him. In other words, some people may feel that because you DON'T care about anything they do, you don't care about them.

Also, I would definitely like to encourage you to not open your marriage up to the muck and mire of the strip club world, which may in turn open up a ton of other problems in itself.

I'd also suggest that you sit down with your husband and ASK him what places he feels secure in your going too, if there is a particular time he'd prefer you to be out and back in, and if he is uncomfortable with any of your friends.

Each party in a marriage needs to feel secure in the relationship. He needs to know that what he feels is important to you and that you are willing to bend to accomodate and lift him up. Also, I would set some boundaries also within the relationship. Open is good, but only to an extent.

 

[Changed]

Is he being controlling or just voicing his concerns? Those are two different things! Example- some hubby's don't like their wives to go out at night b/c it's been proven that more crimes etc happen at night.My husband telling me to be careful or "I don't think you should shop at night" is more of him voicing his concern,than being controlling or jealous. Marriage is about compromise.There is much temptation in clubs/bars and affairs happen when COMMITTED ppl aren't even looking for it. It's called temptation and snares that satan will place in our paths to break up happy families. IMO I don't think clubs/ bars should be a place for christians to hang out.There are other things we can do besides place our selves in compromising posistions. I used to go to those places b4 salvation,but would feel EXTREMELY uncomfy if I tried to go now. I'd rather have a hubby who cared than one who didn't! Communicate and keep on communicating

 

[Avaya]

Thanks all who replyed!...I let my husband do whatever he wants to do.. If he wants to go out to a strip club with his friends, it wouldnt bother me.. I have even went to one with him before..im a very open person.. he has even been out to the bars with me. He dont care for it that much.. but thats something that I like to do. I dont go out every weekend.. 2-3 times a month. In my mind being very open should be a good thing!!!!! But for some reason we fight about it all the time.... Southern Cross, you said some few things the were right on about him.. about being scared to lose me,doesnt trust me... Thats what we always fight about... Trust!!...........

I personally don't think that being open minded is always a good thing. In this case, I think it's detrimental to a marriage. Going out 2 or 3 times a month without your husband? Way excessive IMO. I go out 20 or 3 times a YEAR without my husband - and it's NEVER to a bar or a club. Once it was for a movie night with some girls from church. Once it was to visit a friend who'd moved out of state. And outside of my monthly bible study, I just can' t think of other occasions. You're married now, and your loyalties lie with your husband. Whatever fun you're having with your friends should be had with him now. Yes, it's great to maintain those friendships, but not as much as it sounds like you are. And foremost, if it's causing your husband any discomfort, that alone should be enough to make you cut way back on the time you spend out with your friends.

 

[Yitzchak]

People control for different reasons. Some out of fear, some out of frustration, some because they have identity issues and want to feel important.

It sounds like your husband is extremely emotionally wounded and is a bit controlling out of fear. While it stinks to be controlled by someone, it should help to know his motives are not mean spirited but rather out of fear and hurt.

What needs to happen is for the two of you to work on getting to the bottom of what the real problem is. Obviously, the problem of him objecting to you going out is only a symptom of a more deeply rooted problem.

I would suggest that you condescend to him temporarially in the sense of not provoking his issues anymore than you have to. But I would do it with the condition that he is goign to go with you to some counseling to get to the bottom of what the real issue is. Which sounds like it is probably fear of abandonment and likely goes back to his childhood.

The thing that both of you need to see is that neither one of you is doing what you are doing to be purposely hurtful. It is hard to be gentle with someone when they are smothering and controling and it is equally hard to be gentle when someone is doing things that threaten your security and make you feel unsafe.(that would be him....) You both need to be gentle with each other and work on this issue slowly and not demand the other instantly change. Because it would be real easy to hurt eachother in this whole thing.

One thing I can tell you from personal experience in counseling for marriage problemns I had is this. Everyone wants to be accurately heard and validated for their feelings no matter whether there is agreement or not. The two of you need to slow down and really listen to what the other is saying and then let eachother know that you heard, understood and care about each other's feelings.

 

[Gerry_NY]

Hello everyone,
Its been awhile since I have been on here. I have been having some marriage problems in the past 6 months. I am so confused on what to do. Me and my husband have been having so major issue's about me going out........he hates it when I go out. There's times when I want to go out with him but times when I just want to go out with my friends. He always thinks im out messing around. He blames me all the time for seeing people. And its driving me crazy..... Like he's pushing me to go out and do it!!
Im thinking to myself mine as well go out and do it if he's going to blame me doing it all the time...Anybody eles feel the way I do?? GOING CRAZY HERE!!
HELP!!!!!!

Young marriages are often attacked by Satan. He uses young marriages to destroy the family unit.

Insecurity is a great weapon to the Devil, he has used that to destroy marriages beyond repair. Being young, you will both face different obstacles. Whether it's a security thing or something els...debt, whatever...you must work through it together.

From a guy's point of view...the feeling that the only reason a wife would want to go out without her husband was to cheat on them is a hard feeling to overcome. 6 years and a lot of forgiveness later, my wife and I are still together. I hope that you are as patient and forgiving as my wife is. But, I also hope that your hysband realizes that you are a person too. Everyone needs time away from their spouse...and it doesn't always have to wait until your fuming at each other. People need downtime...whether it's in the other room or out with friends for a few hours, you need time to yourself.

You can tell him until you are blue in the face that you won't cheat on him, but nine times out of ten he won't believe you. Not because he doesn't want to, but because mentally he can't. He wants to, but the marriage is young and Satan is using that to destroy the family unit. Satan hate happy couples. Satan hates happy couples who pray even more. What you need to do is pray together for a sense of security. He must pray for help in trusting you. You must pray for each other. Because a chain is only as strong as its weakest link, and if you aren't praying together, your chain will start to tumble.

God wants marriages to work. He put you two together for a reason. You need each other or God wouldn't have matched you up. Please take it as a hint. Invite Christ into your marriage.

There are three keys to a strong marriage: 1) The love for each other. 2) The love for Christ and 3) Salvation. If all three keys are in place, then regardless of the situation, God will pull the marriage through.

Your husband really needs to realize that you are a person, and that you won't cheat. He needs to realize that you need to spread your wings as much as he does. God didn't promise that marriage was a fairy tale. He did promise that what He put together no man could tear apart...always remember that.

And as far as that feeling of "well, I may as well do it, because he thinks I am anywho..." Not a cool way to think. Yes people will live up to someone's worst expectations, but being a Christian you must not allow Satan to destroy your marriage. And believe it or not...You may already feel like playing the field, but don't. Stick together, pray together...and give each other breathing room. Because, it will make the marriage last.

 

[alaskamolly]

Going out to clubs on a regular basis (which includes 3 times a month) WITHOUT your husband is something I would never find acceptable, and I think my husband would feel the same way!


When you get married, you put away childish things. Clubbing is something that belongs to the single crowd. Clubs are a great place to get a little buzzed, meet the opposite sex, look really sexy and/or cute (and show it off), etc... It's not something a happily married woman should be doing, EXCEPT if her husband loves to do that too (and you both feel comfortable in the Lord with such behaviour).

Personally, I think your husband is right on--this is inappropriate behaviour for a wife OR a husband, and you really need to grow up. The fact that he hates it and you keep doing it anyway shows where your love is--more for yourself and your own "fun" than it is for keeping your man happy and feeling loved.

If my husband was generally a reasonable man, but really hated it when I did something (that really didn't matter), I would stop doing whatever it was that didn't really matter...because it bugged him! When you're married, you are supposed to be giving 100% to your spouse--and you make concessions in areas to bless them.

You aren't looking at your husband as a man God has given you to bless and serve. You are still looking at your single life and longing for it. This is a maturity problem on YOUR part, not on your husband's.

I would suggest taking a little time and doing a Scripture study on what God says about being a wife. I think it will answer a LOT of your questions as to what you should do in this situation. And then you'll also have the advantage of knowing you are choosing to obey God, whatever it is that you see Him directing you after you've prayerfully studied the Word. Some good chapters to start in that directly refer to wives: Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3, Colossians 3, and the book of Proverbs.


Blessings,
Molly

 

[Cright]

Personally, I think your husband is right on--this is inappropriate behaviour for a wife OR a husband, and you really need to grow up. The fact that he hates it and you keep doing it anyway shows where your love is--more for yourself and your own "fun" than it is for keeping your man happy and feeling loved.

If my husband was generally a reasonable man, but really hated it when I did something (that really didn't matter), I would stop doing whatever it was that didn't really matter...because it bugged him! When you're married, you are supposed to be giving 100% to your spouse--and you make concessions in areas to bless them.

You aren't looking at your husband as a man God has given you to bless and serve. You are still looking at your single life and longing for it. This is a maturity problem on YOUR part, not on your husband's.

I would suggest taking a little time and doing a Scripture study on what God says about being a wife. I think it will answer a LOT of your questions as to what you should do in this situation. And then you'll also have the advantage of knowing you are choosing to obey God, whatever it is that you see Him directing you after you've prayerfully studied the Word. Some good chapters to start in that directly refer to wives: Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3, Colossians 3, and the book of Proverbs.


Blessings,
Molly

Molly hit the nail on the head ... marriage is wonderful if both spouces are putting 100% of their effort into it ... it is wonderful... but NOT EASY!

Show your husband you love him more than listening to some horrible/drunk singers!!!

God Bless,
Carina

 

[alexia]

Thanks all who replyed!...I let my husband do whatever he wants to do.. If he wants to go out to a strip club with his friends, it wouldnt bother me.. I have even went to one with him before..im a very open person.. he has even been out to the bars with me. He dont care for it that much.. but thats something that I like to do. I dont go out every weekend.. 2-3 times a month. In my mind being very open should be a good thing!!!!! But for some reason we fight about it all the time.... Southern Cross, you said some few things the were right on about him.. about being scared to lose me,doesnt trust me... Thats what we always fight about... Trust!!...........

Thank you for being so honest. A few years ago I would have completely agreed with your husband. But I know that we are all DIFFERENT and have different needs and fears. And sadly I think that you're both ACTING out each other's greatest fears. Perhaps he wanted someone that would bring excitement in his life, but he didn't want a flirt (I'm assuming that's what he would call it). And you probably liked the order and structure that he gave your life...but you didn't want a control freak.

God uses are mates to develop us and make into the people that were meant to be. Your mate is not by any means meant to CHANGE you, but is meant to HELP you become whole. You have an outgoing personality and his personality his more "serious" and laidback...but you BOTH must learn BALANCE. But instead of balancing each other, you're BOTH driving each other CRAZY.

Problems:
1.Your "openess" is what is scaring him. One of the problems is that he doesn't know what your LIMITS are. Let him know what your limits are and pray together about what is and isn't appropiate in marriage.

2. Don't assume: his needs = your needs. TALK about what you each want from the relationship.

3. Recognize that you're both HURT and aren't getting your needs met.

4. You are strong where he is weak and he is strong where you are weak. Use you strengths to build each up and not tear each other down. Your strength is your outgoingness. USE that to make him feel better about himself and not more insecure. And he should do likewise.

5.You are by nature a social person...that needs your own space and freedom to be an individual sometimes. Your husband isn't like you and from an "outsider's" point of view he can't understand why you have to do the things that you do. I'm more like your husband and I know that if I started being really outgoing then it's because I'm bored with the relationship or I have a hidden agenda. I feel that this is not the case with you, so explain to him why you do what you do.
[You might want to check out stuff on Personality Types. It's makes a world of difference when couples realize that's how he is and he's not being that way to spite me.]

3.By telling him that he can go clubbing, you feel that you are showing him how much you love him...by giving him freedom. But freedom to do as he pleases his not what he needs, it's what you need. So, he probably feels that only your needs are being met. He may think that you want him to go out so that you can have a "license to sin".

4. There are LIMITS to our God given personalities. Is it to "overdo" it the strong parts of your personalities. Don't go by the world's standards and in a way you can't let your husband turn you into a clone of himself. So PRAY and ASK GOD to convict you when you cross the line. Clubbing isn't ok and as you grow closer to God, you'll learn what's ok and what's not.

5. Pray to God about who he made you to be. God gave you your personality for a reason. Until you know that reason you may allow yourself to "Over DO" it. Instead of using your socialiabilty to lift people spirits, you can easily misuse your personality in a flirtatious way without even realizing it.

In a strange way, I understand why you feel that you might as well go ahead and cheat. BUT that is NOT the answer. By cheating you might feel that you can now point your finger at him and say , "Look at what you drove me to do." But that will only prove to him that he was RIGHT all along and that you aren't a person that can be trusted.

*IMPORTANT* In many cases a person's relationship with their spouse is represenative of his/her relationship with God. So actually it takes "Three" to make a marriage work...it wasn't meant to work without God at the center of it. (Otherwise our spouses could easily become "idols" in our lives.)

Also, life brings us all lots of trial and tribulations...and our individual struggles can/will poison our relationships. But God can give you peace during storms that will keep you and your husband strong. For instance, I know of couples who were worried about infidelity but GOD gave them peace that nothing was going on.

- Well, I hope that what I wrote is understandable. I wrote this quickly, so I'm not sure if it's coherent are not...LOL

 

[Gerry_NY]

I would never condone clubbing. Because, and this may be a male chauvanist thing, but I feel a married woman shouldn't be in any type of situation where the possibility of temptation may be. As for married men, I also believe that a married man should not be alone in a club without her husband. That is asking for the enemy to attack. You may as well open your front door and invite him in.

When I said a few hours away with friends, I guess I was picturing maybe a girls night out dinner, or visiting a friend's home or going on a small shopping excursion...but not clubbing. I myself can be a witness that being at a situation like a club without your spouse is just trouble.

Once again, I hope your husband realizes that you are far more than a possession to him. I hope he realizes how fragile love can be. And I hope that he realizes that what he is doing is controlling and could tear the marriage apart. I have been there, and I am lucky to still have my wife...there are still scars, but we are deeply in love and working out what used to be a terrible marriage. But, this post isn't about me...I pray for only the best for you...

 

[CoolWater]

It seems to me that you are caught in a giant cycle. He is insecure and needy. You can sense this, and it drives you away to the karyoke clubs with your friends. You need space from his insecurity. However, when you go out, it makes him even more insecure and exacerbates the problem. His insecurity drives you away and the whole thing continues.

I don't remember who said it, but your husband's jealousy is a symptom of a greater problem. What is it that is driving you to go out with friends? Is there an underlying problem that you or him or the both of you are not addressing? I'm guessing that this has only recently become a problem. If it has developed recently, what are the circumstances in your marriage that have changed?

Look for the problem of the source. If you do, the cycle can break. Marital counseling might be a good place to start.

(And just for the record, I'm sure this is not fully your fault, as its not fully his fault. Both of you had a hand in creating this... just as all marital problems are rarely the fault of any one person. Get to the bottom of it.)