Going craaaaazy!

[ObsessedButBlessed]

ERP has been working exceptionally well for me since I began practicing it almost a month ago. I experience residual (or simmering) anxiety every now and then, but nothing I can't handle. I've been very pleased with the results of ERP so far.

So usually when my main obsession (do I love my husband/am I in the right marriage) dies down, I start to worry about if my husband really loves me. That is old news by now. I know that is just OCD getting at me another way. I have done ERP when those thoughts come up and while they are indeed bothersome exercises, again, it usually desensitizes the thoughts and they stop bothering me.

However, as OCD loves to do, it's thrown another twist my way and it has gripped me a bit. It's not a new twist, I've had it before, and honestly I find it a bit amusing considering when I'm obsessing about "loving my husband," at the same time all I want to know is that he's been faithful to me.

So I was watching a rerun of Dateline or some silly news show about married people who met someone on the internet and began having affairs. I started getting nervous and wondering if my husband has done the same. The show talked about the victimized spouses (the ones who were cheated on) and how they just had this intuition that something was wrong because they had fear or anxiety or something. I have gone through this in the past, where I started checking his cell phone and checking the computer history, not because I thought I'd find something, but because it provided me with reassurance and relief that nothing was amiss. I would go through these periods where I would become incredibly anxious and this would "convince" me that something was wrong and he MUST be cheating on me. Even though he's a great guy and would never do such a thing. And even though he's never done anything in the past for me to even believe he would do it.

Nevertheless, before I knew this was OCD, I used to do this all the time. Now that I know I have OCD, when those compulsive urges to check up on my DH have come up, I've removed myself from the temptation to compulsively check, ask for reassurance, etc. because I know it's the OCD bully.

Sigh... anyway, it's happened again and I wasn't expecting it. I haven't confessed my fears for reassurance, checked or anything of the sort. I've decided to try and tackle this with ERP. It's been very, very hard, because as we all know, OCD basically convinces you that your worst fears are true, it's not really OCD, and I'd better start filing divorce papers because he's out there cheating on me with every woman he comes in contact with! :o The worst part is, my behavior/attitude around him reflects my "belief" that he's guilty.

I have started doing imaginal exposures with this, but it is very hard for me. I'm very anxious over this. I feel this intense NEED TO KNOW FOR SURE. Also, it's rather bothersome as we're going on vacation on Thursday and I'd rather not worry about this during our time away to relax.

I don't even know what I'm really asking, just for prayer or support.

 

[Jayangel81]

Im curious, does youre husband realize youre going through these obsessions about him?

I personally would be weird about telling him id be scared he would think I couldnt trust him, but im curious if you have told him everything. If not it would be best it would help big time i think.

Still praying for you dear sister

I had the same obsessions but about God.. "Does God really love me, Do i love him?" over and over and it drove me crazy so I know how you feel. I guess the best thing about mine was I didnt have to tell Him, He already knew lol..

 

[goldenviolet]

you aren't going crazy... but i'm sure it feels like it! bless your heart! from my own exsperiance with OCD: learning and personal growth helps our habits... we all learn differently; so your personal exsperiances shape your patterns. anyhow, i just wanted to say that many young women face these types of marrital/trust/men/women issues. it's our enviroment, additudes and our knowlege or understanding of these things like adultry, how men treat women, how women act towards men, exspectations... how the sexual additude surrounding us has been and is currently etc.... i'm bring this up because alot of women have thoughts and exspections, plus very real emotions through these things like you describe. it's difficult and even devistating to many women. but even so, exsperiance, growth, and all things things can become the very things that help us not to obcess on these things... or become the very things that give us exsperiance to learn to cope through these things. i'd like to encourage you. though these things are such a big dissapointment, shock, and hurt; they can also turn into the exsperiances that push us past these difficult emotions and OC's. i started to over come these things at 36 . until then, these issues peaked for me (something awful). it helped to know that for most women, even without OCD, this was a common struggle. my isolated childhood and teenage years without girlfriends (normal socializing girl exsperiances)... gave me a set back too... so was being abuised by dad, and others... and then to top it off, my OCD and mental health issues. i thought i'd never be comfy with myself; and would always have behaviors that drove me nuts and people away. anyhow... blah.. blah... blah ... if you relate, or i relate to you, you can have my shoulders for support. my pm box is open xo dee

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Jay and Dee, thank you so much for your words of wisdom!

To answer your questions...

Jay, yes, he does know I go through these obsessions about him, but mostly because (before I really tried tackling my OCD), I'd let the anxiety grow and grow and grow until I was a weeping, sobbing mess, telling him I didn't think he loved me and oh by the way, are you cheating on me? LOL I realize it's not a funny subject, but the way I can get worked up about it is. I did talk to him a little bit this evening before he went to class, though I was calm and just said that I had a rough day because I was feeling anxious and scared that he would leave me for someone else. Of course this is always news to him But I didn't feel like I got out everything that I was thinking/fearing/feeling, so I still have these burning questions inside. Poor guy. This is so out of the blue. All because of that silly tv show.

Dee, I think that is what is making this one so stinking hard! I was just thinking on the drive home from work that what makes this seem more "real" than my other obsessions (though they all feel incredibly real) is that I could very well possibly come home, log into the computer and find out about another woman. Highly unlikely, but it's always a possibility, I suppose, with anyone and with any marriage... because of sin.

I think what fuels this is that I have been struggling lately with feeling adequate enough, attractive enough, good enough, etc. No particular reason for me to feel that way except for my own insecurities and low self esteem. I also have a lot of trust issues from people in my past and I guess it doesn't surprise me that they transferred onto my husband. At the core of it, after all these years together, I still find myself unloveable and so maybe a part of me just expects it some day.

So I struggle with these questions... what do I even expect to find? What would I gain from any sort of knowledge? I resign myself to "not knowing FOR SURE," and it drives me nuts. It's that OCD certainty factor that comes along and makes things more complicated than they should be.

So I'm left with... sometimes people, especially me, need assurance of other people's love for them. That I do not think is related to OCD. And yet, the anxiety that I'm feeling at this moment sure feels like that familiar old friend. Do I ask for assurance because the emotional, untrusting side of me needs it? Or do I try to let it go because there's probably some OCD (the way that it was triggered is a big indicator) mixed along with it?

 

[RachelZ]

Hi Sad...firstly well done for your success with ERP!! I'm just sorry that OCD has thrown a spanner spike into the works! However, it's brilliant that you do seem to be able to recognise the feelings of OCD in this...I think coming to a place where you can recognise the monster can take at least a little of the panic away and it's a really useful ability to have been able to learn.

OCD is a real dirty player but I think that in its stupidity to play as unfair as possible it shows itself more clearly. You are doing so well with the ERP...you're getting somewhere...so what does OCD do? It twists the spike into a slighltly different shape! So it feels similar but is different enough to get you anxious and doubting all over again. I know it's really hard but maybe if you try to treat this in exactly the same way as your other spikes you'll be able to see more quickly that this is OCD trying to gain strength and get fed...cos you're currently starving it!

It's a real tough one when there's a cross over between what you need in terms of reassurance for your self esteem and what you don't need, (although it feels like you do,) in terms of reassurance for your OCD. Maybe you could ask God to affirm you and your worth so you don't have to go and seek out that affirmation yourself? I for one can honestly say you have a heck of a lot of worth as a person! You're communication skills, empathy, insight and practical love have blessed me and I live all the way over the other side of the world...so heaven knows what a blessing you are to your husband, family, friends and God. Actually heaven does know so I pray God let's you know in more than one way today!!

I wish I could help more but all I can say is you are doing so well Sad...in fact this twisted spike is probabaly an indication of exactly HOW well you're doing! Keep at it...you have come so far with your other obsessions, you can do it with God's help again. Will pray for you, take care, Rachel

 

[RachelZ]

Don't know if this will help but I posted this agaes ago on another site...

"it's funny, on a previous site I put the idea that sometimes you may have spikes within ruminations ending up with a whole hedgehog of lots of spikes. Then I said that hedgehogs curl up so you can't get to the fleshy bits to protect themselves...and that maybe this is like what OCD does...loads of spikes and less chance to defeat it. Thought maybe the hedgehog could become our new mascot! Cute little critters if nothing else!"

OCD might think doing this makes it less likley to be defeated but you have seen the way it works and I believe are able to counter attack and win the war. Hugs, Rachel