When I was 18 I came across a young man who was out preaching the Gospel. I remember when he came up to speak to me, although I was listening I really had a hard time understanding. The seed was planted. Still unchanged, I graduated high school and gained a lot of time. Time to ponder the bigger questions in life. I questioned the existence of aliens and then God. I questioned my purpose here and why I was such a bad person. I have done horrible things. I decided to ask God If he was real to reveal himself to me somehow so I can know he is. Two days later I was walking somewhere in public and there was a homeless man on the sidewalk. I wanted to avoid him but instead I kept walking past and he grabbed my shoulder as I passed him, and I turned and said to me "God wants to see you in his kingdom of heaven". He turned and walked away. I walked home and I knew that was my sign from God that he was real. I don't know why he answered my prayer. He didn't have to and he doesn't answer many of those kinds of prayers at least that's what I hear from atheists.
I didn't become a Christian for another year. In the mean time, I kept looking into aliens and discovered that aliens are actually demons in disguise. I discovered a religion known as the new age movement and how they believe everyone is God and can discover this through meditation and astral travel and other practices. I was still lost. I knew God was real so it wasn't until I questioned "why not Jesus?" that I became a Christian. I went and looked for that young man I met a year before and I found him working at a local walmart and everyone thought he was a weirdo for preaching constantly. I met a lot of good people through him and really was on fire as a new Christian. I had worship, fellowship, and I even went to preach the word with him a few times. unfortunately that didn't last. I had to get a job and get on with life. I got a full time job and I started backsliding. I would remain like this for a complete year and a half or more.
Presently, I struggle tremendously with my flesh. I realize that although I believe the gospel of Jesus Christ, and I trust in him alone for salvation, I don't act like any of it is real. I don't live it out. Can I truly say I am a born again Christian? Did I truly believe? Am I saved? This is the thought process of a lukewarm Christian. I don't see much fruit as evidence of belief in my life. I want to do Good, I just never get around to doing it. Whenever the opportunity arises to Do what is good I jump on it but I don't go out looking for it. If God Is love and the fullness of God is in Jesus Christ, then I should seek him out. Its what is void in my heart, and missing in my life. My own desires get in the way, and I rarely seek God. I know easy believism can't be true because there has to be consequence for using the sacrifice of Jesus as a ticket to continue living as you did before. If you truly believe God is real, You will act like it. Your actions will show it and your mouth will confess it. You don't do these things to prove you believe, you do them as a result of your beliefs. I do it naturally but I haven't nearly done enough for God. I am afraid. I remain unable to make a practice of righteousness. I fall and keep falling. I know I need to find a church and find fellowship with other Christians in my area I just never do it. This world sucks. I can't wait until this nightmare of an existence is all over and I can meet God. I have nothing I count as worth anything on this earth. I live my life on autopilot most days and at night when the house is silent and I am alone with myself and my own thoughts I have to confront these things in me. Do I love God? Do I know God? Being that most people my age and otherwise could care less, I would say yes yes I do. I just feel worthless in both human standards and Gods standard. Where does the good news come in to save me? I say all of these things but in reality, I know that A lot of it is a lie from the deceiver. Where do we draw the line between osas easy believism and lordship salvation junk? If I had unshakable trust in the savior all of these legalistic preachers saying you have to quit sinning to be saved would have no effect on me. same can be said of all doubt.
I will certainly be like the tax collector in Luke 18:10-12. Anyways rant over. pray for me guys. May God have mercy on us all.
