God is dealing with me

[writewords]

God is dealing with me in the things that I did wrong. My wife and I have separated that is, she is left me, taking our kids. Some things gets very difficult in my life, the stress gets so bad I just can't deal with it, and a latent pornography addiction resurfaces. It is very difficult to get the devotions and quiet time in my house. For the last 3 months it's been extraordinarily difficult. due to an unhealthy situation. Anyway, we had someone living in our house that shouldn't have been there. A friend of my wife that she had invited to rent a room. It caused a lot of problems between us. That is all I really say about my wife, at least her part regarding the situation in the house. I' m here to talk about me, my sin, that is now an addiction. She has problems that are difficult to deal with, and at the time she thought she was doing a good thing, inviting this person. This isn't to blame it's just to state the facts. I'm definitely not going to blame her for what I did. I am extraordinary guilty. This isn't the first time I have fallen to pornography in our marriage. I don't like it when it happens. I cannot describe to you the same I feel. Anyway she told me that this was the last straw and that she wants a divorce. The words and actions of pretty inconsistent she goes back and forth. Anyway she was worried I was never going to change but it took these last 3 months to see how bad things have gotten and now I am in the process of seeking help.She says she understands I want to get better and seek help but she still doesn't want to reconcile. The house is quiet again and there's no one here. The tenant has left. I've been able to start my devotions again as I would have liked. I never wanted to stop having devotions and spending time with Christ. I'm praying almost constantly that God will preserve and restore this marriage, but she has said to me no amount of praying going to fix that. But I do know that God changes the heart. Even though I may take a while, I am hopeful that he will bring her around. She says she wants to remain friends and cordial. She said she will not hold the kids back and wants to have an online Mutual divorce. I honestly cannot reconcile having a divorce with what I believe scripture teaches. But in her words she is giving me everything but the marriage. But I honestly can't say I trust her completely on this because of some of her problems in her life. I pray constantly that God will shield me from this loneliness that manifests in the morning. It lasts until I go to bed at night. This is incredibly long post I imagine I'm using voice command on my phone because of carpal tunnel surgery recovery. Also please do not turn this into a thread about the proper procedure or what is the exception for divorce and not here to debate nor am I here to listen to someone's position.ask you please if you respond to this post please don't crush me with your words there's enough shame to go around.

 

[Kurt Warner]

What would you like to hear in terms of responses?

 

[writewords]

I'm not interested in hearing what I did wrong because I know what I did nor am I interested in any one being judgmental. I don't need that nor do I need anybody's position on divorce and remarriage. Anything else really is fine.

 

[DZoolander]

After reading that - I have no clue what happened.

What does your wife's friend have to do with your viewing of pornography? What exactly happened?

Did you hit on the wife's friend?

 

[Dave-W]

I'm not interested in hearing what I did wrong because I know what I did nor am I interested in any one being judgmental. I don't need that nor do I need anybody's position on divorce and remarriage. Anything else really is fine.

If you want some help or advice, we need more to go on.

 

[writewords]

If you want some help or advice, we need more to go on.

Both

 

[writewords]

After reading that - I have no clue what happened.

What does your wife's friend have to do with your viewing of pornography? What exactly happened?

Did you hit on the wife's friend?

No. Did not hit on her.

 

[DZoolander]

You're like yanking teeth. lol

I gather from your original post - after re-reading it - that you turn to porn and self gratification when faced with stressful situations. Your wife invited someone in - which created a stressful situation. You went to your vice - she found out - and now has left.

About sums it up?

 

[writewords]

After reading that - I have no clue what happened.

What does your wife's friend have to do with your viewing of pornography? What exactly happened?

Did you hit on the wife's friend?

For several reasons, the tenant's presence in the house was unhealthy. For me it's really caused me to draw into myself and to close off. I am not blaming, or trying to place the blame on anyone else. I'm not trying to justify, an excuse on mitigate what I did. I sinned. I failed. I am just saying that this is what contributed to the situation in the house. I was put in a compromising position. And it was position that I should have tried harder to get out of. If you wish to offer advice on what I should do, I would like to hear it I guess. I feel like a complete failure in terms of being a good husband.

 

[writewords]

You're like yanking teeth. lol

I gather from your original post - after re-reading it - that you turn to porn and self gratification when faced with stressful situations. Your wife invited someone in - which created a stressful situation. You went to your vice - she found out - and now has left.

About sums it up?

Yup. Just posted new.

 

[tall73]

I think we are all having some trouble understanding what you are describing. I will try to clarify.

It sounds like you are saying:

- You have a history of porn usage.
- Your wife caught you using porn again and said it was the last straw and took the kids and left
- part of the reason you think you were using porn is that you were under stress.
- another part of the reason was that you had a guest staying with you that disrupted your routine so you could not pray or read.
- You want to reconcile, your wife does not.
- You want to get help, but she says it is too late.
- the guest has left and you are praying again
- you hope God changes your wife's heart
- You indicated your wife is inconsistent in her actions and words (regarding reconciliation)
- Your wife wants to stay friends, and remain cordial.
- She will let you see your children
- she wants an online mutual divorce
- You do not think divorce is biblical
- Your wife has problems---what problems?
- you are struggling with loneliness in the morning and pray about it.
- you are recovering from surgery so you cannot type correctly.
- you don't want to discuss procedure or exceptions for divorce.
- you don't want to be crushed.

Is this accurate?

 

[tall73]

You're like yanking teeth. lol

I gather from your original post - after re-reading it - that you turn to porn and self gratification when faced with stressful situations. Your wife invited someone in - which created a stressful situation. You went to your vice - she found out - and now has left.

About sums it up?

Lol, I should have gone with the short version.

 

[writewords]

This is accurate. I'm sorry this is hard to understand by the way I'm explaining it. My mind has been rather scattered lately. My wife husky behavior issues and that's as far as I'm going to go and describing some of the stuff she deals with for her privacy. Please do cause her to be rather insights o and not stay with decisions that she makes. The way she describing things now may not be how she cheats them later and she may change her mind. This is another reason why I really don't want to get a divorce in addition to the biblical one. The other thing that happened was she withheld some information from me how she was feeling about our sex life during this time and that information would have been useful for me to have in conducting myself in the marriage. She made it seem like she was enjoying it when she really wasn't but she was just doing it under the promise of being a good wife because I wanted that. We were having relations for a while about 1 to 3 times a week then she decided that she couldn't put up with it anymore and it just stopped. then I would love to myself and that made the situation worse for me. This isn't so blame anybody it's just to give you a context ofwhat was happening

 

[DZoolander]

At the time of the final conflict - I'm guessing that you guys weren't being intimate any more. What was the frequency?

 

[writewords]

my wife and I we're having relations about 1 to 3 times a week before the tenants moved in. My wife would instigate these sometimes. Then when the tenant moved in islowed own, and then almost quit. It drops almost to like once a month. And every once in awhile she would want to be with me. So I went from getting it multiple times a week to once a month if I was lucky. She later informed me that she wasn't having a good time when we were having sex 3 times a week and she was just doing it under the premise of trying to be a good wife. This really messed with my head. if I would have known this in the first place then the way I would have conducted myself would have been a lot different. So when the tenant moved in and dropped off quite a bit. And it would have been fine if we would have just stopped and I would have lived with it. but you would still want it like once a month and it would ignite my desire all over again. That was part of the context of what was happening. I am to blame for what happened from me sinning. These are just the circumstances surroundings my sin.

 

[DZoolander]

And how long did that go on for? Was the tenant there for just a short period of time like a couple of months - or are we talking like a long term tenant?

 

[writewords]

3 months. She is one of the most unstable people I've ever met. Her problems greatly increased the problems my wife has. Her presence is basically complicated everything even more. She would also do several things that really just annoyed me too. I never felt comfortable in the house I was stressed out too literally like 3 months. I am disabled so I'm home a good part of the time. This also makes things worse.

 

[writewords]

Again this is just to illustrate how difficult things were for me. I was spread thin and very tired and that's when Temptation comes calling. I sinned my fault. I'm a failure and now I'm trying to get help because it really took these last 3 months for me to see how bad is pornography addiction and the anger at causes had gotten.

 

[tall73]

I understand you are trying not to say much about your wife's "problems" and the guests "problems" but these seem related to your issue here in some way.

You wife has said she doesn't enjoy sex with you
She doesn't want reconciliation
Having the guest around was a problem in a lot of ways.

So what exactly is the issue? Having a person around should not keep you from having devotionals.

-were you tempted by the guest?
- was your wife tempted by the gues?
- was the guest just there and this is just the last straw on the porn?

If she was just fed up with your recurring porn habit, then praying might be all you can do.

 

[DZoolander]

How long have you been married for?