God is a trauma for me....or is it something else?

[Emerald518]

A little background about me....I first started posting on these forums around mid-late 2013 or so under a different account that has long since been deactivated and this coincided with the beginning of my Christian journey. I wont say what my old screenname was, but those who have been on this site for a long time can probably figure out who I was originally. Anyway!

My first two years being a Christian (or at least trying to be one) were very traumatic...my childhood experiences of neglect and abuse as well as being sheltered to the point of isolation left me very naive and vulnerable, and I wound up getting sucked into joining a church that was actually a cult. While I was in it, I was subject to mental-emotional and spiritual abuse, psychological manipulation, false teaching and even exposed to what I now believe was witchcraft. I finally escaped almost two years later in April of 2015 in a very dramatic fashion and the emotional upheaval of what I'd been through lasted until I got baptized at another church I'd started going to later that summer.....when that happened, it was a life-changing experience for me and after that, I finally felt like I had a genuine relationship with God and a new life. But, unfortunately, things didn't last long.

I didn't realize how traumatized or legalistic I still was and I wound up making some not so great decisions that lead me to miss a huge door of opportunity that God opened up for me during that time, and the loss of the life that I could have had has never completely stopped hurting. I believe this was also a re-traumatizing event for me and I ran from God and have been away for a long time. I'm at the place now where I know I need to get back to living life with Him, but when I think about stepping back into closeness with Him, all of the old fear, apprehension and memories of what took place come back and I start having emotional flashbacks that are difficult to handle. I've made some big steps in the last few years, going to pastoral counseling and even just got back into casually (and by casually I mean not studying and dissecting scripture as I used to when I was "going at it hard" like I was back then) reading the Bible, but to walk with God as closely as I was is terrifying to think about...at the same time, I feel awful knowing that I've failed God so badly by missing His intended plan for me and not becoming who I started to be...sometimes I think this is a disappointment to Him.

I guess the point of my post is, how do I untangle God from my trauma to where He's not a trigger anymore? How do I get back the desire to follow Him as closely as I started out doing after baptism? I am especially concerned and anxious about all of this seeing that we may very well be in the End Times, and I'm terrified at the thought of standing before Jesus on the last day having done next to nothing for Him or that He'd planned for me with the life He gave me. But at the same time, I'm just too afraid to get close to God again given my history. Any advice appreciated.

 

[OldAbramBrown]

This is similar to my path, with some additions on my part and certainly no-one around me will admit that I've seen (most of) what I've seen. What you and I call "casual" is probably a lot better than nothing. Our hard won insights aren't going to leave us. If you tell God what you addressed to us is also addressed to Him, He will understand.

 

[Laodicean60]

I'm no doctor but I do have my own skeletons in the closet. I've felt guilty or not being worthy enough because of drug use. We all know babies are like sponges and they can learn two languages before 7 years old. Science says they operate in a Theta brainwave state a form of hypnosis and they pick up Everything (including trauma) and it becomes part of their programming (subconscious or paradigm) and that becomes who they are. After 7 we learn through repetition with our conscious mind like the ABCs. Or think about when you first learned to drive. You had to think about everything to get that car moving but after repeated driving, you are pretty much on autopilot because it then becomes a habit. Now we can text and drive

Meditation to me is a form of prayer or at least I use it for both and to identify any trauma. When I meditate I tell myself I am loved, worthy, and healthy, and I repeat the promises of God from the scripture fear protection peace saved. Above all give gratitude for EVERYTHING. You'll develop your own style.

The reason I found this is that my granddaughter has a severely low self-esteem problem. In order for me to teach I had to learn and it's really been helpful to me. You are going to have to research this for yourself YouTube has been helpful to me and practice practice practice till becomes your new paradigm. Be Blessed

 

[YorkieGal]

I think the only way to unravel God from experience is to read the Bible correctly to understand he is not here, nor did He die on the cross, to prevent or change painful experiences caused by man.

We are to seek him in times of hardship so we do not do anything to imperil our souls during these trials. We are not to forget him or take him for granted when we don't have trials. In this way, our spirits are always with Him and life on earth is separate to these things.

When you remove Him from life experiences, as is the correct thing to do as He is here for our spiritual salvation only, you will free yourself from false and negative association between life events and God.

 

[returntosender]

I think the only way to unravel God from experience is to read the Bible correctly to understand he is not here, nor did He die on the cross, to prevent or change painful experiences caused by man.

We are to seek him in times of hardship so we do not do anything to imperil our souls during these trials. We are not to forget him or take him for granted when we don't have trials. In this way, our spirits are always with Him and life on earth is separate to these things.

When you remove Him from life experiences, as is the correct thing to do as He is here for our spiritual salvation only, you will free yourself from false and negative association between life events and God.

But how can you remove him from life experiences and still put everything in his hands and have faith in him.?

 

[Laodicean60]

But how can you remove him from life experiences and still put everything in his hands and have faith in him.?

I agree with most of what YorkieGal says. We are here on earth to experience life by loving our neighbor and of course God. We have our free will to choose and suffer the consequences of our actions and thoughts. I don't believe God controls everything. Man has dominion on this earth with the negative help of the devil if we allow it. When I read an insurance contract "Acts of God" it bothers me it's an act of nature. If we could truly love God's creation and humankind there wouldn't be sins. Without God, none of this is possible and always give thanks for everything. I give thanks when a plant survives in my garden because He knows how frustrated I get after a few weeks and it dies. Peace

 

[YorkieGal]

But how can you remove him from life experiences and still put everything in his hands and have faith in him.?

I don't know how anyone is having faith in Him if they don't experience life without understanding he isn't controlling it for them or anyone else.

 

[returntosender]

I don't know. In all the teachings I've had the one thing thats prevalent is we must trust in God putting our lives in his hands having faith in him to bring us through the trials, etc. I Guess I'm getting the wrong messages.

 

[YorkieGal]

I don't know. In all the teachings I've had the one thing thats prevalent is we must trust in God putting our lives in his hands having faith in him to bring us through the trials, etc. I Guess I'm getting the wrong messages.

I don't think you're getting the wrong message but I think people are delivering the wrong messages to us.

If we have faith and then it doesn't work, are we supposed to then be mad at God or think we weren't good enough Christians or does it make more sense to suppose that we are blessed with life, and salvation, and ups and downs are just part of a natural cycle while we're here?

Otherwise, unfortunately, God gets treated like a magical genie for wishes and most people will get upset if a wish doesn't come true. Christians hurt, die, are tortured, murdered etc. We pray for ourselves and others but these things still happen. If I thought that praying for delivery of these things was the way to go, I'd be pretty bitter when I or my loved ones experienced them, anyway. I would question where the value of being a Christian was if I was still allowed to hurt despite faith. I see this is a result of a lot of people and that is because they are incorrectly led to believe that Christians are supposed to escape harm on earth if only they pray, believe, have faith etc.

This is where the teachings, I believe, are wrong.

Maybe someone else has a different opinion and will hop on and discuss.

 

[returntosender]

I think you are very wise. What you have said may have relieved a huge burden from some including me.

 

[returntosender]

THANK YOU!

 

[Laodicean60]

We pray for ourselves and others but these things still happen.

This is the only thing I disagree with. I believe we should pray unceasingly for humankind and that includes your own family. We have to trust God hears our prayers and if it doesn't happen oh well. Like you said some get upset if they don't get their red wagon. I had a heart attack last month and had two stints installed. Doc said I needed to exercise to try to recover some heart muscle. The day after release I walked, and half a block later I had extreme shortness of breath, it scared the crap out of me. I crawled home and when I got there I begged God to heal me, crying. The next day I walked 1.5 miles Praise God! I saw the cardiologist 4 days late and when I told him his facial expression would have been a Kodak moment. But if He didn't heal me I wouldn't been butt hurt over it. I would have still walked to strengthen my heart and live my life the best way I could with my situation.
I have unanswered prayers that when I get to heaven I'll ask the Lord. Maybe it's something this peanut brain didn't understand. Our ways aren't God's ways. Be Blessed

 

[YorkieGal]

This is the only thing I disagree with. I believe we should pray unceasingly for humankind and that includes your own family. We have to trust God hears our prayers and if it doesn't happen oh well. Like you said some get upset if they don't get their red wagon. I had a heart attack last month and had two stints installed. Doc said I needed to exercise to try to recover some heart muscle. The day after release I walked, and half a block later I had extreme shortness of breath, it scared the crap out of me. I crawled home and when I got there I begged God to heal me, crying. The next day I walked 1.5 miles Praise God! I saw the cardiologist 4 days late and when I told him his facial expression would have been a Kodak moment. But if He didn't heal me I wouldn't been butt hurt over it. I would have still walked to strengthen my heart and live my life the best way I could with my situation.
I have unanswered prayers that when I get to heaven I'll ask the Lord. Maybe it's something this peanut brain didn't understand. Our ways aren't God's ways. Be Blessed

No problem. No one has to agree with me.

Glad you're doing well! That must've been scary!

 

[Laodicean60]

No problem. No one has to agree with me.

Glad you're doing well! That must've been scary!

Thank You. I agree with most of what you say. Peace

 

[Dave G.]

Unless God is putting us through a trial and in my experience He has given me signs of that coming generally. Then the trauma and ill things that happen to us are more the result of this fallen world and man or even the demonic realm. God isn't doing that but by leaning on Him He will get us through it. Meanwhile your desire to want God in your life is not unnoticed by Him. Look for the signs of that too. A desire to read more scripture maybe, or suddenly someone Christian approaches you or you just meet, you find answers right here in the forum. Little signs present themselves. But God's will, by way of His nature is for you to have a relationship with Him not away from Him. He also understands what you've been through, He has much grace and mercy for what we may call the persecuted, even special blessings . And persecution comes in many forms,some quite small in human eyes. The one that needs to fear God's wrath most is/are those who cause one of His sheep to stumble. Pastors, churches, elders and even your brothers and sisters in Christ have an accountability to not cause stumbling. Course we are only human.

I heard an awesome story from a pastor recently, how someone in church was trying to derail him early on in his ministry. He couldn't understand it but grew to have a severe dislike for this guy. In time he took it to the Lord and He asked for answers. What he received was not expected but understood, to pray for the guy but more than that to bless Him in his prayers. He hated it but did it. In a dream he had he came to a better understanding. In the dream he saw a young boy in a field by himself who obviously had been traumatized. Upon waking the pastor realized this must be that guy. And in this vision more than a dream, he came to like praying for the guy and eventually to have great compassion for him. And it became easy to bless him. And this is a story where all ended well, in fact the pastor, new to the ministry at the time became head pastor of that very church and the man he was nearly hating at one point, was on the board. So even pastors have opposition, had he not taken that situation to prayer with the Lord the ending could have been much different. This is a double win through prayer, one for the pastor and one for the guy causing a riff in the church.

 

[returntosender]

I do wonder if you believe God isn't active in our lives then you must not beieve in angels or judgment day?

 

[linux.poet]

I honestly think this question is holding you back. God may have chosen to traumatise you or he may not, but you still need to try to heal up from that. Just focus on general traumatic healing practices to start.

The lost opportunity was because you pushed yourself spiritually too hard after the cult incident. The reality is that you will need to work through all of the lies that cult told you and replace those lies with Scriptural truth. I would try a practice of reading the Bible for yourself every day and just writing down what you think of each passage. Don't judge yourself for what you think or compare what you think to other commentators. Just let it out for awhile.

The other thing is, don't aim for a sense of euphoria. What you should be looking for is a sense of calm and peace and emotional immovability. Sometimes God doesn't need enthusiasm, He just needs for someone to stand quietly by His side. The trauma has torn up your relationship with God into pieces, so as you read, you will likely feel a lot of emotions and body reactions. If that gets intense, you can try some simple tapping and breathing exercises. Don't go for a large amount of Scripture to start, just a small amount.

After about a week of active reading, look through your notes and see if you can see any common elements that keep coming up. Look for associations between the fragments. This will help you understand your experiences and put your mind back together. Hope this helps.