God help me, but I don't like her!

[E-beth]

My husband has a seventeen year old daughter. We have been married for almost seven years. When we were dating, she was a joy to be around. We would get together once a month, and hubby and SD would go do stuff while I chatted with his ex.

Then she became a teenager. We moved away and couldn't see her, and the ex made it clear that she wouldn't allow us to see her anyway. She started flunking out of middle school, got into fights at school, and all that teenagey stuff. Still, I encouraged hubby to continue to reach out to her, to listen to her and make her know she was still loved by us, even if we couldn't see her.

Then a couple of years ago she came to stay with us over spring break. She lazed around, smelled bad and was overly critical of everything I did. I can handle all that, but she lied to me. She told me she could be pregnant. She told me she has ovarian cancer. She told me LOTS of lies, each one making me an emotional mess, because I wanted to believe her and take care of her.

Then a year ago it was hubby's birthday. He had been hoping for nothing more than a phone call from her to say happy birthday. Keeping in mind that the girl never has sent a card, called, or in any way acknowledged any of us on any holiday, in spite of what we do for her. So it was a miracle when she text messaged him on his birthday. The message? That he was worthless, stupid, expletive expletive expletive. Why? Because we couldn't afford to send her $300 for a prom dress she wanted. I was livid! I messaged her back and let her have it. I told her I was tired of her disrespecting her dad and that she was acting like a spoiled brat.

We haven't seen her much since. She calls when she wants something, and hubby will try to accomodate. Now she calls demanding her child support (we don't pay her directly) and calls him a deadbeat. We are having to sue her mom because she has stolen my husband's identity and has opened up credit accounts in his name...again. Last thing that happened is that SD lied to hubby's family that she was pregnant, demaded a baby shower and later when it would have been time to be found out for sure, she said she had given birth and gave the baby up for adoption. Most do not believe her. I know I don't.

I don't know what to do. I feel like her mother, by keeping her from us and any positive influence we might have had, has ruined her. I don't like what she is, how she acts, or how she treats people. I don't want her around my son. Yet I want to encourage her dad to be there for her, but she is hurting him more than anything else.

I don't like my stepdaughter. I can't wait til December when she is 18 and we are no longer responsible in any way for her. And I hate hate HATE that I feel this way.

Any advice?

 

[lala76]

I know how you feel. I have a 13 year old step daughter who is constantly in some sort of turmoil. All you can do is pray for the situation, pray for yourself and her. Step parenting is so darn hard. I sometimes feel like running away. Each week when she comes to my house I pray for my strength. Good luck

 

[E-beth]

I guess I am blessed that she hardly ever comes to visit then.

My mom once told me she heard an interview with some Pastor who had foster parented and adopted and had children of his own. I believe he had over 20 kids in his home at one time or another. Anyway, they were talking about the teen years, and he said that the teen years are so full of drama and turmoil and drama that his prayer became "Just get them through it." That was his goal because he knew there was no other way to get to maturity and stability than to pass through those years. Still, I am NOT enjoying her teenagehood, and my prayer is to just get ME through it!

 

[homeofmew]

The real question is would you have gotten your OWN daughter that dress? You don't have to like her but you should have thought about all this before your marriage.

 

[PilgrimLady]

Your step-daughter sounds as though she has sociopathic tendencies, as does my fourteen year-old step-daughter (compulsive lying, interest only in material things, living in a false reality, etc.) whose mother is certifiably nuts. Don't discount generational sin, either.
I feel for you and I joined this forum just today because I am myself so frustrated with having to pay for and put up with the behavior of this disruptive child. It sounds as though you've had a better attitude towards a lot of it than I have lately, and I applaud you. If she's seventeen, than one more year and you can release her. I do not believe you have any other obligation to her after that other than prayer.
There are times when I too, beat myself up for having stepped in this situation, but I believe that God meets us where we are. Had I been following Christ from the outset, I would not have dated a non-follower of Christ. However,the Lord restored my relationship with Him and drew in my husband as well. I got to see him baptized last May! Our marriage has grown in the Lord tremendously in the last year, so that is spiritual fruit. I just encourage you.
***NOTE: In response to the unhelpful previous posting - Um, I don't think anything you wrote was very sensitive to this situation.- As far as buying one's own daughter a $300 dress, that is really not the point. I actually know that I will be harder on my own kids than I have my step-children, and for a variety of reasons. One, because I can, and two, because the step-kids are a warning of what happens with over-indulgence and no discipline - namely, rebellion and lack of character. I would never put up with such nonsense in my own offspring.

 

[E-beth]

Thanks for all the advice!

Thanks be to the Lord, He has started moving in her life. Her mother tried to open credit cards in my husband's name and was caught. So during all the court proceedings and the police investigating the ex-wife, our stepdaughter has begun to realize that the lies her mom told about us are bogus. Her mom didn't pay her electric bill and teh power to their home was shut off---for the two weeks mom went away on a cruise and left SD alone in winter with no water or heat or power...and she is online schooling! We didn't know about it at the time, but when we did we notified CPS.

Now SD calls regularly and has a plan for her life...first of which is to get away from mom! She has planned to come visit a couple of times, but was unable to. She called on my birthday just to say hello! She is starting to come around, and knows we support her. We want to encourage her, advise her, but not make it so she doesn't try to work her own way for what she wants. That is what her mom taught her.

Anyway, I am praising God that maturity and His working have helped her life improve and has lead her to reach out to us.

 

[E-beth]

The real question is would you have gotten your OWN daughter that dress? You don't have to like her but you should have thought about all this before your marriage.

The answer is no, I wouldn't have. Even our 7-year-old son knows that he has to save for expensive things he wants. And i would have been happy to save up and help pay for the dress if she had told us about it way ahead of time, and also if she were actually attending the school the prom was for.

 

[MCryer]

E-Beth, I can definitely relate. I have the same problems. It is hard to deal with and my feelings toward her make me feel bad about myself, but I can only take so much. I forgive her when she does something, but I just can't trust her.