Girl's and weight

[Seraphim19]

My girlfriend has gained about 8 pounds since we started dating about 2.5 years ago, and last week I started feeling concerned about how her health and appearance might be in the decades to come because of the lack of habits she has formed now at age 20.

Well i became a little distant and indifferent last week because I was trying to figure out how to let her know how I was feeling - and she picked up on this indifference. Last night she gnawed her way into my thoughts and I told her how I was feeling. I told her I was concerned about the trend she was leading and wished she were more gym and health conscious. She didn't take this well at all because in her words, "if thinking about how I'll look in 10 years causes you to treat me poorly then that is a major cause of concern."
So now she is really upset with me and emotionally detached.

I am very much in love with her and want to marry her. She knows this. And all I wanted to do was gently tell her I'm concerned about the health habits she has formed now and what that might mean in the future for her attractiveness.

She is quite upset, thinks this is my issue to solve, and has not listened to what I actually said before going nuts.

How can I reassure her but at the same time get my feelings across?

 

[peanutbutter12]

Hahaha, sorry, but you've just touched on one of the cardinal sins men can make. Without intending to, she thinks you just called her fat, and now she's mad as a bull.

Women (and men) are very sensitive about weight. Perhaps bringing her attractiveness into the conversation wasn't the best route to take. I would just apologize, get her some flowers, and drop the issue. It might even open a line of communication about your concerns, but I wouldn't even discuss it unless she asks. And for heavens sake, leave the beauty issue out of it.

 

[DoctorShaft]

Hahaha, sorry, but you've just touched on one of the cardinal sins men can make. Without intending to, she thinks you just called her fat, and now she's mad as a bull.

Women (and men) are very sensitive about weight. Perhaps bringing her attractiveness into the conversation wasn't the best route to take. I would just apologize, get her some flowers, and drop the issue. It might even open a line of communication about your concerns, but I wouldn't even discuss it unless she asks. And for heavens sake, leave the beauty issue out of it.

In other words, TerraSin is telling you to submit. My suggestion would to both not get flowers, but also stand firm in your opinion. You are a person, not a servant, nor a martyr, and it is not your job to smooth over things with the other partner when it ACTUALLY concerns you. Also, don't wait for her to ask about it.

And for heaven's sake, keep the beauty issue in. It's important to you. You do not get into a marriage to sacrifice your wants and desires for the other person. You can do that AFTER you've made the deal and signed the contract/made the covenant. Until then, it's your call. Women do the same thing all the time for different issues. You have the same right to act accordingly.

Let's put it this way. If your partner had a concern that ACTUALLY bothered her, she would tell you, even if it bothered you. Guarenteed. She would NOT be sensitive. She would NOT buy you flowers, nor would she WAIT for you to bring it up.

Correction and/or Clarification:

Maybe she would. But those are the same women that end up coming to a forum and get told by COUNTLESS forum posters that she's going about it all wrong. In other words, she shouldn't do it, and neither should you.

Now, should you be sensitive? Sure. Should you be caring and understanding? Sure. Should you be compromising to the point of just saying, 'I'll marry you anyway, regardless of how life will be"? No.


And while we're on this topic, I'll bring a little side note attention to the bolded section in the quote I responded to.

What is the cardinal sin for women in relationships? Is there even one?

 

[Blank123]

yes sacrifice sensitivity to the other person's feelings that'll prove you're a man ^^

to the OP 8 pounds over a period of 2 and a half years isn't an unhealthy weight gain. 80 pounds over that same period would be, so honestly there was really no need for concern, no matter how well meaning it might have been. i'm actually not sure how you would have noticed 8 pounds unless you were watching for that

I probably would be very offended as well if my bf was disconnecting from me over a lousy 8 pounds, i would start to really wonder how deep our relationship actually was if 8 pounds was that big of an issue. so yeah i can't say i blame your gf too much for being upset

if you wanna see her come around, then relax and stop worrying about a nonissue. A woman's weight will fluctuate over the course of her life, especially once she starts having children. you need to learn how to accept that without making her feel like she's fat. trust me a woman is sensitive enough about her appearance without hearing criticism from her man.

 

[DoctorShaft]

yes sacrifice sensitivity to the other person's feelings that'll prove you're a man ^^

You know that isn't what I said:

Now, should you be sensitive? Sure. Should you be caring and understanding? Sure. Should you be compromising to the point of just saying, 'I'll marry you anyway, regardless of how life will be"? No.

Oh, and shaming language "that'll prove you're a man" is weaksauce.

to the OP 8 pounds over a period of 2 and a half years isn't an unhealthy weight gain. 80 pounds over that same period would be, so honestly there was really no need for concern, no matter how well meaning it might have been. i'm actually not sure how you would have noticed 8 pounds unless you were watching for that

Depends on the body type. How he knows it's 8 pounds is perplexing to me, of course, but how do we know she was thin in the first place? We don't. Not that it matters. You like what you like.

I probably would be very offended as well if my bf was disconnecting from me over a lousy 8 pounds, i would start to really wonder how deep our relationship actually was if 8 pounds was that big of an issue. so yeah i can't say i blame your gf too much for being upset

Again, you're calling it lousy. He is showing concern. You aren't him. It's not lousy according to him. Plus, you and I both don't know what she looks like. We don't even know if this 8 pounds is signficant or not. No woman or man is the same. 8 pounds for you may indeed be ridiculously lousy. For someone else, a different story. Perhaps he is an over-perfectionist.

Regardless, he likes what he likes.

if you wanna see her come around, then relax and stop worrying about a nonissue. A woman's weight will fluctuate over the course of her life, especially once she starts having children. you need to learn how to accept that without making her feel like she's fat. trust me a woman is sensitive enough about her appearance without hearing criticism from her man.

In other words, don't criticize women. Ever. Sounds like a good deal...

Anyway, I disagree with most of what you said here in this last paragraph. I think about the only part I can agree with is the part about not making her feel "bad" about it. Sure, he shoudn't heap blame or over-negativity on the issue. In fact, I think he's voiced in his first post that he didn't do that. She got mad before the conversation even got off the ground.

However, deciding not to bring something up because of sensitivity is the absolute worst thing a person can do. For both sexes in a relationship. That's what creates the poor situations we often read about now, where one partner has to secretly voice their frustrations. The things you want and desire need to put out on the table. If he "relaxes" as you suggest, it gives her the impression that she can essentially be however she likes in the relationship. And when that turns out to be untrue, it becomes an issue of trust. "Why didn't you tell me?" "How can you say this now?"

Better to be upfront.


To the OP, people in relationships have to clearly establish what it is that they want and like in a relationship within reason. If this woman is indeed "healthy" and just gained a little weight, then sure, back off. If she hasn't, then don't allow things to slip into a comfort zone where you don't get what you want. Because you'd be checked on something mighty quick if she didn't get something she wanted. Just because women don't always value the same things as men doesn't mean they are less valuable. This works both ways, of course.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

8 pounds in 2 1/2 years? Hell, that can be gained and lost in 2 1/2 days. If that's the worst of your problems with her, then you've overall got yourself a good girlfriend.

 

[none the wiser]

8 pounds in 2 1/2 years? Hell, that can be gained and lost in 2 1/2 days. If that's the worst of your problems with her, then you've overall got yourself a good girlfriend.

QFT.

Also, I really hope you didn't bring her appearance into the discussion. My boyfriend has expressed concern that I don't exercise, but has also told me I'm absolutely beautiful the way I am. I worry about his eating habits, and have told him as much, but it's not about his weight...I don't want him having a heart attack at 40. I think if you approached her this way she may not take it that badly...unless she was already feeling bad about it...that always makes things hard.

 

[JadeTigress]

As others have said, 8 pounds over 2 1/2 years is just not that much at all. Really, unless you were paying insanely close attention, it wouldn't be noticeable, especially if the person wasn't skinny as a rail to begin with.

I'm very thin, and about 4 or 5 years ago I gained 7 pounds just in one summer. And guess what? While I could tell a difference since it was over a short period of time, it just wasn't that much of one. I think it made me go up one jean size, since most of the weight gain was in my hips.

 

[Ave Maria]

8 pounds over 2.5 years is nothing. I gained 30 pounds in a period of a few months. I don't know why either. I think it was my medicine.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

Was she giving you a weekly update on her weight or something?? How in the heck did you even notice 8 lbs in that time period? People gain weight as they get older, and in the grand scheme of things 8 lbs is NOT that big of a deal. If you are that hung up over a measly 8 pounds you aren't mature to even be considering marriage at this point. I honestly feel sorry for your gf.

 

[BoxBunny]

What if ten years from now, she does gain -a lot- of weight? Will you still love her the same? Your girlfriend has brought up a very good point that I do think you need to consider. To me, that what you really did wrong was to treat her indifferently while you gnawed this over for days. Is this the sort of thing thats going to happen again? Will the strain be too much for the relationship? If you do intend to marry this girl, your relationship will be put under tremendous pressure. It happens to most newlywed couples.

As for damage control you are going to have to apologize. Personally I would have reacted the same way if I was in her shoes.

Now in pursuit of your concerns don't approach the subject like you're wanting her to change her lifestyle to soothe your fears. Thats a little selfish, and trust me most girls are already plenty fearful of weight issues. Try to turn this around so that this could be a couple bonding sort of thing. You might want to talk to her about making a commitment to live healthier, -together-. Maybe reserve a weekend day for a morning jog or a trip to the gym or cook for her sometime as a weekly thing or special treat.

I really hope though that your true wish is only that she be healthy and not slim. There is a difference. People gain weight as they get older, its just a normal thing that you've got to accept. Wishing that your partner lived a healtheir life is not wrong. We all want our loved ones to be well and strong. Wanting them to be skinny, that is just not something you have a right to expect.

 

[moerunamida]

What if ten years from now, she does gain -a lot- of weight? Will you still love her the same? Your girlfriend has brought up a very good point that I do think you need to consider. To me, that what you really did wrong was to treat her indifferently while you gnawed this over for days. Is this the sort of thing thats going to happen again? Will the strain be too much for the relationship? If you do intend to marry this girl, your relationship will be put under tremendous pressure. It happens to most newlywed couples.

As for damage control you are going to have to apologize. Personally I would have reacted the same way if I was in her shoes.

Now in pursuit of your concerns don't approach the subject like you're wanting her to change her lifestyle to soothe your fears. Thats a little selfish, and trust me most girls are already plenty fearful of weight issues. Try to turn this around so that this could be a couple bonding sort of thing. You might want to talk to her about making a commitment to live healthier, -together-. Maybe reserve a weekend day for a morning jog or a trip to the gym or cook for her sometime as a weekly thing or special treat.

I really hope though that your true wish is only that she be healthy and not slim. There is a difference. People gain weight as they get older, its just a normal thing that you've got to accept. Wishing that your partner lived a healtheir life is not wrong. We all want our loved ones to be well and strong. Wanting them to be skinny, that is just not something you have a right to expect.

Amen. I would be mad if I was the girlfriend.

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

DoctorShaft,

I have no problem saying to your face that I would never want to be your girlfriend.

This being because...as a wife now, I love my husband no matter what. If he gains, I love him. If he loses, I love him. Same goes for him to me. He will love me no matter what. It's a good thing, because I sure have gained and lost a few pounds over the time I"ve known him! Does not the Bible tell us to SUBMIT one to another? That doesn't mean "obey" in everything but when you get married, you both have to give 100% to eachother, EVEN if that means giving up some of your personal wants.

Looks are a big deal to guys, but what few guys seem to realize is that women WILL change over years, breasts will sag, hips will get larger and/or sag, the tummy won't be toned and flat...because one way or the other, she's going to get old, and SO ARE YOU!

I am so glad that my husband loves me for who I am. I have a little extra. I could stand to lose another 10 pounds. If I gained, he'd STILL love me. He could stand to lose about 25. I still love him. If he gained more I'd love him. I am concerned about his lack of self control in some areas of food but I don't tell him that it might affect his attractiveness, his sexiness, his likeableness in the future. Just as that would be a major slam on some of the macho men who think they're the world, it is a major slam especially on women who ALREADY have trouble seeing themselves as beautiful!!!!

Sure, if she's just eating like crazy and not holding back at all I'd gently say something about it but I would NOT put anything in there about attractiveness because that just hurts her and makes her feel unwanted.

A woman's number one need is to be wanted. She wants to be wanted. She NEEDS to be wanted. She NEEDS to know that even if she changes (and 8 pounds over 2.5 YEARS? Get a life, that's nothing.) you will STILL love her. If I were the girlfriend I'd be mad too.

Heck, I'm an outsider and I am pretty upset. As if you couldn't tell. Sorry, but a marriage is all about loving, being sensitive to eachother, YES submitting to eachother, GIVING 100%, SACRIFICE, and LOVE LOVE LOVE. To you, that means something, whatever it means. To her, that means making her feel beautiful and loving her and her body no matter what.

Honestly, 8 pounds in 2.5 MONTHS isn't scary, never mind years. I have lost 8 pounds in a few days and gained it right back. It can and does happen.

I can tell you love your girlfriend and you want to help her, but please, for her sake and yours as well, make her feel beautiful. It doesn't mean lying to her, but look past the blemishes and love her anyway.

Think about how CHRIST loved the church. Boy, if he had little minor issues with us and he was gonna drop us because of it, we'd all be dead. We have blemishes. Christ loved us anyway. In fact, Christ died for the church. Does it not also say for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church? Think about that, men. Christ was a great leader. Christ loved everyone. Christ washed feet. Christ was a servant. Christ DIED for his FILTHY dirty church which is getting increasingly dirty by the day. Just think about it...I think men take the few verses that say for women to submit to men and they forget all about how Christ loved the church.

 

[Wandering Cat Lady]

Oh and the cardinal sin for women is to disrespect the man, especially behind his back. A man's number one need is honor and respect. That doesn't mean that she becomes a door mat or martyr (however, a LOT of men think that, and so mistreat their partners!!!). It just means that she shows respect to him as her leader.

If a woman degrades her man, in front of his friends especially nothing will get him mad quicker. Behind his back, on the boards, anywhere, he finds out about it and he's gone.

Men also don't like controlling women who try to control their every second. Take away his games, his friends, his free time all the time and he won't be happy.

BUT, it goes both ways too. Each needs to treat the other with respect no questions asked.

 

[BeanMak]

I respectfully submit that you need to evaluate how important physical appearance means to you. If 10 lb is important to you, you need to let your girlfriend know this up front so she can decide if you are someone with whow she would want to spend a life.
a little story- Both my sister and I gained 50 lbs after having babies, not getting out to a gym (cuz we both HATED it and didn't want to make time for it with small babies) and we loved to cook. The difference in our lives is that my husband loved and cherished me as much at +50 as the day we married. My sister on the other hand was married to a health nut who was disgusted by her gain, preferred not to be seen in public with her. She spent lots of time in tears.

I tell this story because if she had known ahead of time how much pain that man would cause her over her weight, she might not have married him.

 

[Bunnymedic]

In the course of the one year my fiance and I have been together,I have lost 8 lbs and regained 5.
That means I am 3 lbs lighter than I was when we first started dating.
At this rate,by the time I am a senior citizen,I will no longer exist.

 

[Weasel7711]

NO NO!!! Thats it, we're taking you to McDonalds right now! And then to KrispyKreme, and then to BK, and then to "Bob's House of Fried Lard"

 

[Weasel7711]

are you not still married?

 

[Nella Fantasia]

Also, I really hope you didn't bring her appearance into the discussion. My boyfriend has expressed concern that I don't exercise, but has also told me I'm absolutely beautiful the way I am. I worry about his eating habits, and have told him as much, but it's not about his weight...I don't want him having a heart attack at 40. I think if you approached her this way she may not take it that badly...unless she was already feeling bad about it...that always makes things hard.

I agree. I'm in the same situation with my boyfriend.

He's told me he worries about me because I've gained in the course of a few months, don't exercise, and my eating habits aren't that great. I told him I'm worried about him because he's in the same boat as me, and I don't want to end up being a young widow.

We told each other our concerns (never bringing appearance into it), and now we've decided to help one another. Sometimes we'll go ride bikes or he'll lift weights while I run on the treadmill. We've stopped going out to eat all the time, and instead took to eating healthier meals at home together. We're trying to be more active and positive.

Perhaps that's what you can do. Obviously she's upset, and probably will be for awhile, but once things settle down try being active with her instead of just telling her to do it.

Until then, go to her and tell her your concerns. If you really love her then let her know her appearance doesn't matter to you, but you just want her to be happy and healthy. If her appearance does matter to you to the point that you don't know how you'll feel if she ends up gaining a lot, then let her know that too so you guys can decide if it's truly right or not. Otherwise it won't be fair for either of you.

 

[khakigirl]

My girlfriend has gained about 8 pounds since we started dating about 2.5 years ago, and last week I started feeling concerned about how her health and appearance might be in the decades to come because of the lack of habits she has formed now at age 20.

Well i became a little distant and indifferent last week because I was trying to figure out how to let her know how I was feeling - and she picked up on this indifference. Last night she gnawed her way into my thoughts and I told her how I was feeling. I told her I was concerned about the trend she was leading and wished she were more gym and health conscious. She didn't take this well at all because in her words, "if thinking about how I'll look in 10 years causes you to treat me poorly then that is a major cause of concern."
So now she is really upset with me and emotionally detached.

I am very much in love with her and want to marry her. She knows this. And all I wanted to do was gently tell her I'm concerned about the health habits she has formed now and what that might mean in the future for her attractiveness.

She is quite upset, thinks this is my issue to solve, and has not listened to what I actually said before going nuts.

How can I reassure her but at the same time get my feelings across?

Wow. You got all bent out of shape because she gained EIGHT POUNDS in 2 and half years! She definitely has reason to be angry with you.

Why don't you suggest developing better eating habits together, instead of just targeting her. Eat healthier foods, don't buy as much dessert or whatever. Go on walks together.