girlfriend HELP!

[gcajnr21]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 months. Our relationship is great! My question is she has a guy friend that calls her and wants to see her all the time and just talk. Well i have asked her if he likes her or not and she says NO, but i talk to her friends and they say that He sure does come across as liking her. So im thinking that she is just gullable and cant see this. well i told her to try and see and dont be gullable, but she still says she cant see it.(she said that before we met he had told her that he liked her, but now he does not cause he just wants to be friends, this was est. before i met her)

this is were i need advice on:
it makes me uncomfortable for them to go places together alone to get icecream or a starbucks coffee and just hangout(THEY HAVE twice gone alone). i trust her fully but i just get uncomfortable about that cause i have been burned alot from my past girlfriend. What should i do? we kinda talked about this but she sees nothing wrong in it, but i do! i feel that she should not be alone with him. I need help on this one? -thanks

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

As someone who has had to struggle with my (now boyfriend as of tonight) hanging out a fair bit with an ex of his, I think I can understand what you're going through.

The best idea is to talk. Tell her, that whether it seems stupid or not, and even if you can't fully explain why (start thinking about past behaviours in other friends that might be causing you discomfort when she does this), tell her that you just can not resign yourself to the fact that she will go out alone with her guy friend, without you being there. If she respects you, and is willing to put you first over another, she will come to the table with solutions, and be willing to compromise on it, and put a suggestion together to help you in your comfort factor when it comes to them. This is where you come into it - do you want to work on it so you DO feel comfortable seeing them interact (I don't ever think that she and he should be going out alone if you are her partner - that doesn't seem respectful to me), or do you want to exist with your hangup (please don't take that as a bad thing - but it is a hangup) and wish this other guy away? I was willing to work through my issue with this girl, so that I could eventually see her again, however some may not be able to - and it might be wiser in your situation that you don't. I can't give you that advice. Only you know how you would feel if you were eventually to interact with this guy again.

When I had 'the talk', I was crying a lot. Fortunately my boyfriend was able to get through all of that, and understood that whether he had a problem with my reaction or not, it wasn't the point. The point was he was doing something that at that point was unhealthy for us, and made me feel 'second best', so had to curb it until I was able to say, without any sense of anger, that it was safe for us to invite her into our company again.

Some might think I should be a 'big girl' and 'get over it', and not put such a request to my boyfriend, but I needed to. I had big issues in my past that clouded their friendship in my eyes, and him going on and doing it whilst I was struggling did not show me love in my 'growing time', and would have effectively killed our relationship.

This is not selfishness on your part, from what I can see, it is a learned behaviour from past hurts (same as me), and the best way to get through it is to be willing to curb a friendship until you can safely accept the friendship again at the same level.

I hope and pray it works out for both of you, and that you both can come up with good suggestions to protect your relationship, and make you both feel respected, safe and comfortable with interactions with other people.



Sasch

 

[Tuffguy]

Simple situation really....i think everyone has been in this spot before.

First off, don't mandate that she never speak or hang out with him. Don't order her to not do it.
Second. Let her know that this bothers you and why. I look at this as a respect thing. If she respects your point of view, even if you are a little paranoid, she will do what makes you happy. I think you do trust her and she is respecting your wishes up to a point. Is she going to the movies w/him? Is she over at his place or him over at hers? That stuff i would not stand for. If she is doing that you should call her out on it. But if not,,,,i don't really see the problem with her having coffee w/the guy and chatting on the phone w/him as long as its not 100 times a day and as long as shes giving you most of her time.

 

[startingover]

Yeah, never tell her *not* to see him anymore, but let her know that it is uncomfortable for you. I also think it is disrespectful to be going out alone (has she ever heard of a date?) with someone of the opposite sex when you are with someone. But you need to talk to her. If she cares about you, she will have no problem sitting down and listening to your point of view.

If her friends say he likes her, he probably does. Most girls don't admit to their boyfriends when a friend has a crush on her.

 

[gcajnr21]

well we talked and i told her it makes me uncomfortable that she goes out with a guy alone together. well she says she thinks i dont trust her, but i told her i trust her. i said it over and over to reassure her. i kinda told her to be in my shoes about this situation and try and see why its uncomfortable for me. I want her to know i trust her with all my heart. I think she thinks i dont trust her. i wish there was a better way to communicate my uncomfortableness to her. Is there special magic words i could say for her to understand that i trust her but feel wierd about her being alone with another guy. I have never told her she could not talk or see a guy! Is my uncomfortableness me not trusting her or what? Is it okay for me to be this way? Am i blinded? thanks for your replies they have helped me.

 

[Pope Gonzo]

I struggled a LOT with jealousy when my now-fiance would hang out with male friends. And I knew it was dumb... but it just ate and ate at me. The only thing I could do is pray about it and wait it out. Now sometimes it might get under my skin a little, but it really doesn't bug me. Give it time and pray

 

[gcajnr21]

i should just print that last post from BLUE IMPULSE and give it to her maybe then she would understand me! it is exactly what my situation is.

 

[gcajnr21]

yeah she is a christian. We go to church together but we could do more spiritual things together outside of church. The only reason we are together is from GOD cause i was about to give up on girls cause of pain . I took a risk and opened my heart agian to her cause God gave me so much comfort in her. I didnt even try to get with her God just kinda made it happen, so I know 100% that God is in this and will be forever. thanks for talking to me its been great. I dont plan on sending that post to her it was just a joke kinda. I think God will help her understand this and we will overcome.

 

[startingover]

She needs to know that you do trust her, just not him. If she's defensive, then she probably has something to hide. Hopefully, things will work out for you.

 

[Living4Him03]

Well, it would be different if this guy was just a long time friend who could not be a potential romantic interest. In your situation, she is hanging out with her ex AND he seems to still like her. Personally, I do think it's a matter of respect. If you become exclusive with someone new, don't go and hang out with your ex. You can still exchange emails and phone calls with an ex, but I really do believe that when you take the risk of dating one of your friends then break up with them, you cannot reasonably say that you will always be friends with that person. Tell her how you feel about the situation. If she respects you and really cares about you, she will limit her contact with this guy, no matter how wonderful of a friendship they have.