Getting Worse With Time.

[Dewjunkie]

Three days ago was the 10 month anniversary of my daughter's death.  It was a bad enough day, but then while at the doctor for my wife's appointment, we saw a little girl wearing a pair of Caira's pants that had been sold at a yard sale (we live in a small town in AZ, and got the pants in TX, so we know they were hers).  That made the day worse, as ten million memories flooded my head.  Later that day at work, I worked a single vehicle rollover, and the initial report was a child had head injuries. (That's how Caira died.  Fortunately, this child was fine.)  Overall, it was an awful, awful day.

So, as I sat mired in misery on Thursday, I realized that contrary to the old adage "it gets better with time", it's getting worse.  I miss her more every day, and I find I am becoming more resentful and jaded every day.  In the first months after her death, I was able to trust that God was in control and everything was happening for His purpose.  I am having a hard time holding on to that belief right now.  I can't see any possible good coming out of my innocent 2 year old daughter being killed in a freak accident.  I can't see any good coming out of the daily suffering my wife endures because of her paralyzation. 

I want to have faith, I want to trust God to work miracles and make all things work for his good, but it's getting harder.  I'm mad at the situation in general, always have been.  But lately I find I am turning some of that anger towards God and not really worrying about it.  That scares me.

I struggled with and eventually turned away from my faith for a long time because of the things I saw my dad go through as a minister.  I had just begun to truly grow in it again when the accident happened.  Now I am beginning to wonder again.  It's easy to say "give it to God"; but when I look at pictures of my daughter and her gorgeous smile, and I remember holding her in my arms as she died; and I realize that I will never again hold her, hear her laugh, watch her play and grow; I can't help but be so angry that I don't want to give it to God.  When I watch my wife cry because she can't get on the floor and play with our other daughter, or do menial household tasks, or use the restroom on her own, I can't bring myself to believe this is in any way anything but punishment for something.  Maybe Catholics have it right, and there is a Purgatory.  I'm just geting mine out of the way now. 

Whoever said it gets better with time obviously never lived through it.   

 

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Somethings, you can't find a place on the shelf to file them away. Or they defy any box you try to pack them away in. There is no answer to the question, "Why?" You go mad trying to get it straight in your head.
How you are feeling is perfectly ok. How could you not feel this way?

A professor of mine is always saying, "Always believe in the goodness of God no matter the situation." I've found this to be very true.

It's funny that I've started a thread on PTSD cause you've probably got it.
Sometimes, getting counseling is what we need to help us through. You might check into it. If you're like me you're hesitant to go. But it gets to the point where you'll try anything.

 

[Blessed-one]

i've found out from my struggle that we cannot disregard our emotions altogether, for emotions are important for a human. If we don't feel, then we're nothing but empty shells, but emotions are also the thing that gets us separated from God.... so there goes the dilemma.

but God's promise is forever with us regardless of how we feel.
you're in my prayers, Dewjunkie.

 

[SpiritPsalmist]

Dewjunkie,

My heart truly does reach out to you and your family. I cannot even begin to understand the pain and anguish you are experiencing.

The only thing I can think of to say is that Jesus loves you all so very much. He's ever ready to hold you while you cry. He's there to comfort and calm. He's there to bring beauty out of ashes.

I think of you often and I'm holding you up before our loving Father Who is everpresent to bring you all through this.

I pray that His light shine brightly in your hearts and chase all the darkness and depression out. I pray that hope spring forth out of hopelessness and that you see, again, His love for you.

In His grip,

Barbara

 

[seebs]

Sometimes, being angry with God is an expression of faith. When you're angry with God, you're showing that you believe in Him, and that you *expected* Him to make things go better for you; that's a fair bit of faith. It's not a state you want to spend all your time in, but it happens to most of us sometimes, and I think He understands. Sometimes, the book of Job is a bit comforting; other times, not so comforting.

 

[GraftMeIn]

My heart goes out to you Dewjunkie

If I remember right you had mentioned something before about feeling guilty because you hadn't found the time to mourn over the loss of your daughter. Maybe that's what God is doing now, giving you a chance to mourn. Don't give up on him yet, instead go ahead and cry and let him know how much it all hurts while you do.

Keeping you and your family in my prayers.

 

[dreamcatcher]

dewjunkie,

 for the simple reason that we know each other and i know your situation, the ONLY thing i can begin to say is PLEASE,PLEASE,PLEASE.. don't do to yourself what I have done to myself in the past over a few "similar",far from the same , but similar situations.i have been trying to deal with my "situation" for 7 1/2 years.

i know you've heard this a BILLION times. but you're gonna hear it at least 1 more...if you need to talk(vent),you know where i am.anytime,i don't care,day or night.have ears,will listen. you should(i hope) know that by now.but don't worry, i will not press the issue.

 

      p.s. you know(i hope) that my whole house is ALWAYS praying for you and your entire family.

 

[psycmajor]

I will be praying for you, Dewjunkie. I have never experienced what you have, but I will try to see things from your perspective.

Anger is a stage of the healing process in grief, and everyone grieves at their own pace. I can see why you'd be angry at God; after all, it was His decision to allow this to happen. I don't know why He allowed it, but He did. This is an especially difficult blow, as you say you had started to get closer to God. As if you had put trust in Him, but by causing this accident, He betrayed that trust.

And it must be difficult for you, seeing random reminders of your daughter and such. The absence of Caira and your wife's current handicap are a constant reminder of what happened, as well.

I see that you recognize your increasing anger towards God and do not feel comfortable with it. I would interpret that as still desiring to have a relationship with Him. I'm not going to tell you to let go of it or ignore it; that's between you and Him.

Again, I do not understand why God has done this. You don't have to agree with my viewpoint, but I do want to say one thing: your situation might be seen as an example of how God can give strength as much as He can allow times of trouble. I've said before that I believe that God allows us to have difficulties to test our faithfulness to Him, and also to have us depend upon Him as much as possible. I believe He wants us to rely solely on Him, like a Father to their child. You are Caira's father. God is your Father. He loves you like you love Caira. Also, God has grieved His Son on the cross. God is not immune to grief; He experiences it every time someone sins, and especially when a person dies without accepting His gift of love, Jesus.

I did a quick search on the web; check out these websites:
http://www.healingheart.net/
http://www.grieflossrecovery.com/grief-articles/small02.html
http://onemansweb.org/jan/sermons/ser_angrymen.html
http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/ds/cb921/point2.html
http://ourgodreigns.net/overcoming.html
http://www.jesus-ourlord.com/Sermons/TheCrossIwear.htm

I'll leave you with this scripture:

2 Corinthians 12:9
And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

I don't expect you to be jumping for joy about this situation, but remember that God breaks people to reinforce them and make them stronger (i.e.--"He is the potter, I am the clay"?). You're being shaped on the spinning wheel right now. It may be uncomfortable, even torturous, but God knows exactly what He's doing. He's the Master Artist (look at the world around you; He has created everything--even you).

 

[TANKERx]

I'm praying for you Dewjunkie. God bless you and comfort you in this storm.

 

[Hopeful]

 

[DaveKerwin]

Hey, stay strong bro. God is there to bear that burden, hopefully we can help too. Check your PM's

 

[ZiSunka]

You are right Dewjunkie, it doesn't get better with time. But we do get perspective and acceptance with time. And if we let Him, God gets closer with time.

I don't have any idea why God let Caira die. I really don't. Why would He let your family suffer so? The only thing I can say is, God must really trust you to let you suffer so deeply. He can't trust just anyone with the great sorrows, only those He knows will prosper from them.

Rich Mullins's family had a very bad year in 1997. Their house burned down. His sister was diagnosed with advanced cancer. And of course, Rich died in a senseless car wreck. And creepy people crawled out of the woodwork to obsess over him and bother the family. It was the worst year of their lives.

But it was also the year that his brother picked up Rich's mission work and was able to do more with it than Rich, untrained in pastoring, was ever able to do. And it was the year that his niece committed to mission work. And it was the year that the whole family learned to lean entirely on God to make sense of the senseless things that happen.

No one will ever know in this life why God let Caira and Rich die in rollover auto accidents. But neither death took Him by surprise. And neither death was meant as punishment for either family. Somehow, God is not only able to make something good come out of it all, but to make something BETTER come out of it than it would have been otherwise.

It might help to know that there are others who have experienced the same loss you have, and have found a deeper connection to God because of it.

Hang in there! God really does love you.

 

[psycmajor]

Please keep in touch with us, Dewjunkie. I think that people here are concerned about you, and wish to keep tabs on your status. Don't let us worry!

I have experienced feelings of anger that I did not want to give up. To me it seems that anger is somewhat empowering and helps me feel more in control, but in the end it drags me down.

Last semester for me was a difficult one. Several things happened that really bogged me down. I wanted to hold onto that anger. I wanted to remember my thoughts and feelings. The thing is, the longer these negative feelings stayed in my head, the more they poisoned me.

So this is what I did: I typed a list of all the stuff that had been bothering me, and saved it on my computer. I didn't worry about what I said, as no one else would read it. In effect, I wasn't totally discarding those ideas; I was just getting them out of my head. I think it helped me lighten the burden I was carrying around.

I have only looked at this list a few times since I created it. I feel no need to look at it.

One more thing: ask God to reveal to you what He's trying to teach or show you.