Getting Weary

[Conqueror12]

We are facing financial ruin, and that is helping to increase my usually low-level desire to walk. My husband told me again today to ask my parents for a loan. My parents have bailed us out numerous times, and I have no desire to ask them again. Besides that, they already gave us a substantial amount of cash for Christmas, and they are aware of our situation.

My husband chose to lay the responsibility of handling the finances to me, at least as far as the clerical work, paying bills, etc. This was against my wishes because I felt it was the husband's responsibility to carry that burden. The problem with this set-up has been that he has been free of facing the figures month after month, yet would insist on incurring new and greater obligations, and when I would try to tell him that we can't afford it or tried to impress upon him that income wasn't meeting obligations, he would either ignore me, yell at me (as the bad news messenger), or say that he'd get more customers to cover the extra obligations he insisted on incurring, but these new customers have never materialized.

In addition to this, I've been waiting for more than three years for him to follow through on his promise to do "anything" to heal the marriage after his adultery, so I am very weary. Since we are facing losing our home, I'm more and more considering that if that happens I might as well pack up me and the kids and move elsewhere without him. I have three options in three different states open to me, and my family would help me in that case.

I'm so weary of all of it that I'm finding it difficult to think clearly, and I feel so defeated. I guess I just wanted to unload what's going on in my head to see if anyone can help me sort it out. I stayed in the marriage because I thought it was what God wanted me to do, but it has been an ongoing struggle with me repeatedly having to submit my will to His. Now that everything's falling apart, I don't know what He wants me to do.

 

[karla]

I am so sorry for the situation that you are in. Does your husband know how you feel about going to your parents again for financial help? Is it possible for you to work to provide extra income (I'm not sure if you are working or if you are a stay at home mom). You need to talk to you husband and keep talking until he gets it. I know htat it is frustrting for you. Maybe the two of you could sit down together and do the finances i.e. paying the bills and he would see what money is coming in and what is going out. These are just some suggestions, but know that I am praying for you and your family. Trust int he Lord and listen to what He is telling you. I know that there are times in life when that is difficult, but through thses difficulties we can build a stronger relationship with the One who created us.

God Bless

 

[Conqueror12]

Thank you, Karla, especially for the prayer. Yes, I do work. In fact, this is part of the problem. Not only did all the bookkeeping get dumped on me, but I am also expected to hold down a job, homeschool the children, and do all the shopping, cooking, and cleaning, and then be the initiator and aggressor in the bedroom on top of all that.

A perfect example of what he does and how he sees things (or doesn't, as the case may be): A couple of days ago he was home all day due to rain (can't do his job in the rain), and while I was sitting here working (I work on the internet), he brought me two phone numbers to call. One was something to do with insurance for his parents and the other was a loan company to see about getting a loan. It never occurs to him to do these things himself. Since I have been working like a maniac because that is the only way I can see to generate more income, not only did I not have time to make the calls, but I didn't even have time to suggest that he make the calls, nor did I have the time to have the argument that would probably have resulted from that suggestion.

I'm probably one of the few women for which the prospect of being a single mom includes the allure of a reduced workload.

 

[hygienemom]

I'm probably one of the few women for which the prospect of being a single mom includes the allure of a reduced workload.

I have been down that road ( a single mom) and let me reassure you that there is no reduced workload. You will still have to be financially responsible, cooking cleaning, looking after children, etc...so in my opinion it's not the answer.
Pray, listen, Pray, listen, Pray, listen.
He will speak to you...be a faithful servant and keep loving your husband...that is our duty as wives.

 

[Southern Cross]

My wife was taking care of all the bills, too. She does not work outside the home, and we homeschool our children. I got really spoiled because I never had to take care of any of the bills. I'd simply generate money, and she would figure out the finances.

It's debatable if a husband should be the one to pay the bills if the wife stays at home, it's part of home management that one or both people can do. But it sounds clear to me that you are pretty overworked based on what you've said so far.

The financial pressures in my marriage really came to a head as our marriage fell apart for other reasons. As a wake up call, my wife walked in one day and said, "These are the bills you are responsible for paying, starting today. If you don't do it, it will be our credit that suffers." And she handed me a list of bills, and it was fair because she agreed to pay her own bills.

Anyway, like I said, it was a wakeup call. Ifthis marriage survives (hey, anything can happen, even at the last minute) I will be the one to take on the finances. Why? Well, it just relieves her of that responsibility and lets her attend to other important matters.

Anyway, I mentioned before that I don't see anything wrong with the wife paying the bills. But it's wrong to put the responsibility on her for solving financial crises that the husband is creating.

Hopefully you all can work through this - so it's one less bad thing to add to the stress of working out marriage problems.

 

[Conqueror12]

I'm probably one of the few women for which the prospect of being a single mom includes the allure of a reduced workload.

This probably would have made more sense if I had mentioned that I was speaking from experience, having been a single mom before this (my second) marriage. Because my husband is so high-maintenance, it feels like I'm carrying all 200+ pounds of him on my back, so laying that burden aside and being a single mom with just the children to take care of would truly be a relief. The children actually help with some of the household chores. He does not.

 

[heartnsoul]

First and foremost, I want to applaud you for being a SUPER MOM AND WOMAN!! You deserve a big pat on the back. Women are known to be superwomen. We usually have a bigger workload because we can "multi-task" where a lot of men can't. And you men out there, forgive me for sounding sexist...I realize there are men who can multi-task, but generally speaking--it's the women who have that talent.

But super women as we may be, we can only do so much before we are headed for a nervous breakdown. So it sounds like you recognize where your breaking point is. I suggest you sit down with your husband and speak truthfully to him in a gentle manner. Let him know all the work you are doing...AND be sure to mention and praise him for all the work he is doing. This will get him off the "defensive" immediately and open his mind to hear you out. Ask him for help. I am the financial manager in my marriage also. Sometimes it does get overwhelming for me with all the other things I am doing. We also own a small business of our own so there's a lot of work to be done everyday. Whenever I feel that I need help, I just ask my husband to help me out by letting him know *specifically* what I need his help on. With men, I think you may need to be more direct...meaning, just don't say "I need your help." Say, "honey, I need your help to put the clothes in the dryer for me before you head off to work please...thank you dear." This method of dealing with my husband has worked wonders for me. Maybe try that.

Hope this helps you. Keep plugging away and keep the communication lines open between you two. You're fighting to save the marrriage, true? Good luck! I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Jenna]

My thinking is in line with what heartnsoul has already said.


Also, I think that the proper and gentle use of the word 'no' goes a long way, not only with a spouse, but with other people as well. lol If you have too much on your plate as it is, and two phone calls would really scum up your system for getting stuff done, then exercise the word 'no'. Of course, it doesn't have to be rude or snappy. Just a simple, "Honey, I am terribly overloaded right now. I need for you to make the phone calls this time", would suffice.

I've always found that online banking has been a great help for us. When money was being spent in an irresponsible manner, we (either of us) were able to pay bills and move money so that it was no longer accessable except for the payment of said bills. You just can't spend money on junk when it isn't there to be spent. There have been times when one of us has pouted or thrown a temper tantrum, but after the smoke has cleared, we realized that we were better served by that small measure of responsibility.

God bless

 

[Conqueror12]

Well, I wrote a bunch of stuff giving examples of how I've tried to do all the things you all suggested over the years and how futile it's been, and then that post disappeared when I tried to post it, so I'm going to assume that means that maybe it's time to try those things again.

 

[InTheFlame]

No perfect solutions here sorry. But have you read Boundaries in Marriage (Drs Cloud and Townsend)? It could help you clarify some of the trends and work out effective ways of dealing with them...?

 

[Conqueror12]

I haven't read Boundaries in Marriage, and I just looked, and our library doesn't carry it, but it does have Boundaries Face to Face: How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding, which is by the same authors, so I'll try that one. The title sure seems relevant to my situation!

 

[Agape4u]

Hang In There...we're praying for y'all!!!

 

[InTheFlame]

I haven't read Boundaries in Marriage, and I just looked, and our library doesn't carry it, but it does have Boundaries Face to Face: How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding, which is by the same authors, so I'll try that one. The title sure seems relevant to my situation!

I haven't read it, but it will probably help!

 

[desi]

C12, I would offer a different choice you may not have considered. Fall on your sword, in a manner of speaking. Take the wrap for this and go to pieces over it. Tell him you think you've failed him as a wife and apologize profusely. Then tearfully hand him the check book and swear never to touch it again because you've just somehow managed to wreck everything. Then go on to tell him how your parents cut you off from their money and won't help anymore. Then refuse to handle any area of the finances ever again so long as you are married. Compel him to step up and don't worry if he doesn't, trust in him and God and hold on for the ride.

 

[Kiwi]

I can sympathise with you abit. My husband is wonderful with me and with the kids he is the best dad you could think of, however in the area of finanaces he is not very good. I also do all the budgeting and paying of the bills. Money is the thing we disagree on the most. I was brought up to save and in a financially secure family. My husband was brought up in a family that lived very much on the breadline, so any extra money we get he wants to spend. We also come from two different cultures who have different attitudes to work and money. Trying to get him to stay in one job for any length of time without quitting is difficult. Often I feel like I am nagging him over this area, that I'm his mother not his wife, so I've given up nagging. I see he is changing slowly, and I try not to be so tight with the finances and trust that God will come through for us. And so far he has.

 

[ysl_75]

Not much comment I can give you but I'm sure that God has a plan for you. May God bless you to go thru all this thing and when the time is right I believed that God will do something for you. Take care ya....

 

[Prisca626]

What about seeing a Christian counselor? Our pastor has been extremely knowledgable for other couples in our congregation who are facing marital problems. Remember, God won't lead you into something that He and you can't handle together. Tell your husband its time to step up and FACE the issues at hand. Maybe if someone such as your pastor tells him it's his biblical responsibility to LEAD LOVE AND PROTECT you, he'll have a change of heart. I don't think moving yourself and chilren away is the answer.

 

[Gwenyfur]

C12, I would offer a different choice you may not have considered. Fall on your sword, in a manner of speaking. Take the wrap for this and go to pieces over it. Tell him you think you've failed him as a wife and apologize profusely. Then tearfully hand him the check book and swear never to touch it again because you've just somehow managed to wreck everything. Then go on to tell him how your parents cut you off from their money and won't help anymore. Then refuse to handle any area of the finances ever again so long as you are married. Compel him to step up and don't worry if he doesn't, trust in him and God and hold on for the ride.

Good idea...

I'm praying for a C12

 

[RoyceP]

We are facing financial ruin, and that is helping to increase my usually low-level desire to walk. My husband told me again today to ask my parents for a loan. My parents have bailed us out numerous times, and I have no desire to ask them again. Besides that, they already gave us a substantial amount of cash for Christmas, and they are aware of our situation.

My husband chose to lay the responsibility of handling the finances to me, at least as far as the clerical work, paying bills, etc. This was against my wishes because I felt it was the husband's responsibility to carry that burden. The problem with this set-up has been that he has been free of facing the figures month after month, yet would insist on incurring new and greater obligations, and when I would try to tell him that we can't afford it or tried to impress upon him that income wasn't meeting obligations, he would either ignore me, yell at me (as the bad news messenger), or say that he'd get more customers to cover the extra obligations he insisted on incurring, but these new customers have never materialized.

In addition to this, I've been waiting for more than three years for him to follow through on his promise to do "anything" to heal the marriage after his adultery, so I am very weary. Since we are facing losing our home, I'm more and more considering that if that happens I might as well pack up me and the kids and move elsewhere without him. I have three options in three different states open to me, and my family would help me in that case.

I'm so weary of all of it that I'm finding it difficult to think clearly, and I feel so defeated. I guess I just wanted to unload what's going on in my head to see if anyone can help me sort it out. I stayed in the marriage because I thought it was what God wanted me to do, but it has been an ongoing struggle with me repeatedly having to submit my will to His. Now that everything's falling apart, I don't know what He wants me to do.

I understand your frustration. I have been in a similar situation financially most of my married life. I have learned in the past 5 or so years, that you cannot change your sponse, God has to do that. And most of the time real change only happens when there is real brokeness. As a Christian, you must learn to surrender all these things to Him. When you do so, it may get worse, but do not loose faith. He is with you and through the struggle that may lay ahead, God can work more powerful than any man or woman can. If husband does not change, then you must do what you have to do to project yourself and your children.

Royce.