Getting passed the wife's past.

[LonelyTraveler]

Been years since I posted on this board, and that was in singles.

I love my wife. I believe she loves me. However there are times when we talk and the subject of our pasts come up. She has a past; I pretty much don't. I was a virgin until a few weeks before our wedding. I'd had opportunities before, but didn't pursue because I was clueless to their attraction and in one case because she had a boyfriend she didn't love and I didn't want to be the guy the woman cheated with.

My wife had boyfriends and was even engaged a couple times before we met. We both are pretty open with each other, but I really wish I didn't know. She knows I'm bothered by it and she's always reassuring me that she regrets her past and if she'd known that I was in her future then she wouldn't have done those things.

Part of me wants to be with other women, for no other reason than to know what it's like and if my wife is truly what I wanted or if I just settled for the first woman who was aggressive enough in reeling me in that it overcame my cluelessness, and my panicked reaction was to marry her before I was really ready to be married because I didn't think anyone else would have me and I didn't want to lose my only opportunity at love. My wife always tells me, "just use a condom"..... but I could never bring myself to do that to her. I wouldn't want her to sleep with other guys so why would I willingly do the same thing to her? By the same token, I wouldn't want someone to use me just for sex so why would I do that to the woman that I "experimented" with? I start getting into this cycle of anger where I'm angry at God for the situations in my past, angry at my wife for having a past that I don't, and angry at myself for having morals. My wife blames my parents for not teaching me the signs that a woman is attracted to me.

I'm kinda hoping that by purging my thoughts I can somehow get passed my wife's past.

 

[Svt4Him]

That's a tough one. See, I can give you the obvious answer, you live in the past you get stuck in despair. The fact of the matter is the past is satan's area, God doesn't live there, He's in the now and in the future, only satan uses that.

The obvious question is why exactly do you want to do the same thing that is causing you so much grief? To me that is amazingly selfish, and if you continue down that path, it will destroy your marriage. But I'm also glad you expressed this as hopefully you're read a reply here that will motivate you to get some Godly people in your life that you can be accountable to. Marriage is hard, but it is worth it. If you really love your wife, you will respect her, which causes you to love her more, and respect her more. Respect would never do these things. So if you need to forgive, forgive. But the sin wasn't against you, so I'm not sure why that's an issue.

If it's regret at being married, please, get some help from a professional, as the ramifications to that are huge.

It's a sucky situation, I know. Best of luck to you.

 

[ValleyGal]

Why be angry at God for the things other people do or don't do? And why be angry with your wife, for sharing herself with others she thought she loved and was going to marry? After all, she had sex with you before you married her. She did not do anything with the others that she did not do with you. How can you fault her for that?

She sinned against God (although some people debate that sex before marriage during engagement is not sin), and God is has forgiven her for it. She did not sin against you, and yet you seem unwilling to forgive her and let it go. Are you greater than God that you can expect her sexual perfection without blemish and not forgive her? It's not even you she sinned against.

My question is why does it bother you so much? Are you jealous and wish you'd slept around too? Are you envious? Does she compare you to others and you want to sleep around so you can take your vengeance by comparing her? What exactly is the real issue? I contend the real issue is with you, and not with the fact that your wife was not a virgin....might take some self-reflection and honesty about why it bugs you so much.

 

[LinkH]

If it was a big deal for you not to marry someone who'd had sex, you should have had that as a standard before you were married. It doesn't sound like you were really strongly against premarital sex and did engage in it yourself. Be that as it may, you are married now. Why would you sit around worry about what could have been? Resolve to love your wife.

You should also consider your ethics and morality and whether your heart is right before God on this issue. You didn't have premarital sex with one woman because you didn't want to do wrong by her boyfriend. What about the fact that it is a sin against God? You had premarital sex right before you got married. Did you repent of fornicating? Has your wife repented?

Sinning sexually is a sin against God, not just the other partner. I think you and your wife both need to carefully consider this issue and repent of past sins. It concerns me that your wife says, 'use a condom.' Is she talking about using it with her in case you are scared of some past disease from another man, or is she saying use a condom if you have an affair? If it's the first one, that's pretty sad. If it's the last one, that really concerns me-- as if disease were the only reason not to commit adultery. She could have been saying that just for emotional impact to make a point. I realize that.

But I think you should pray about this, study the Bible on sexual morality, and you and your wife both ask God for forgiveness of past sexual sins if you haven't already. And you both need to think of the issue of adultery as a sin against God, rather than just against the other party.

If you had to take a business trip to Thailand or Las Vegas, your wife probably wouldn't go with you. If you cheated on her-- even with a condom-- she couldn't see you. You could justify it with 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her."-- if your only ethical concern was sinning against your wife. You could hide the facts for her (probably not forever) about the sin.

But if you don't commit adultery because you don't want to sin against God, you know that God always sees you, no matter where you are, whether your wife is there or not.

You've already married your wife. Just go ahead and commit. Forget the past. Move forward. She's your wife now. Obsessing about the past isn't going to help. Love her and be committed to her.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

You've already married your wife. Just go ahead and commit. Forget the past. Move forward. She's your wife now. Obsessing about the past isn't going to help. Love her and be committed to her.

Yep. Your married now. Theres no time machine to go back and change things. You are where you are now. Until you let go of the past, it will always control your future.

 

[Cardiffgurl21]

Me and my hubby both have sexual pasts. Mine doesn't bother him, his and one girl particular really upset me. Jealousy is so destructive and I think it's why God intended it to be one man and one woman (not judging because i did not follow it). You don't have a time machine i agree with the comment above, the choice you are left with is your lovely wife with a sexual history or no wife to be honest.

Take it from someone who has been there sex without love is just nothing it really is. Please don't do something you can't take back. Hope you and your wife can find a way to get past this. Focus on all the positives in your relationship and ban talking about the past for a while. You have a bright future together please don't be unfaithful. xx

 

[seeingeyes]

Part of me wants to be with other women, for no other reason than to know what it's like and if my wife is truly what I wanted or if I just settled for the first woman who was aggressive enough in reeling me in that it overcame my cluelessness, and my panicked reaction was to marry her before I was really ready to be married because I didn't think anyone else would have me and I didn't want to lose my only opportunity at love. My wife always tells me, "just use a condom"..... but I could never bring myself to do that to her. I wouldn't want her to sleep with other guys so why would I willingly do the same thing to her?

I think it's awesome that you have a wife that you can talk honestly with about this stuff.

You're being so hung up on some idea of sex that you can't even see the treasure that is sitting right in front of you!

The grass is definitely not greener on the other side of this hill, brother. Love your wife, the woman who chose you above all others. Go all in.

 

[katautumn]

Maybe this makes me a bad person, but I'll never understand people who feel compelled to share every last raunchy detail of their previous sexual encounters with their spouse. If she lied and said she had been a virgin, but had really been with fifty guys *and* had Herpes, that would be one thing, but needing to know specifics creates problems like the one you're in now.

She has a past. I'm sure you do about things that aren't related to sex. And clearly you were willing to relax your morals to sleep with her before being married, so why judge her for doing the same, only with others she thought she was going to spend the rest of her life with?

There is a lot of stuff going on in your post. Clearly you've told her you want to sleep with other women, because you've never been with anyone but her. She says it's okay for you to do it, just "use a condom". Then she blames your parents for not teaching you how to realize when a woman wants to sleep with you? I'm going to be blunt, it sounds like you have a very odd marriage. A really unhealthy one. Are both of you truly right with the Lord, because I can't imagine any Christian woman who would accept you whining about how you feel the need to sleep with other women, because she'd slept with other men.

You need to get some counseling. Get involved in a Bible preaching church. And, for the love of Pete, stop talking about each other's pasts!

 

[Autumnleaf]

Its a little late for you to be this way now. I'm not a fan of the term man up but you need to man up and forgive her and yourself and be a married guy who is a one woman man now.

 

[Inkachu]

I urge you to seek counseling with a trusted pastor or Christian therapist for this. This is a very, very dangerous mindset you've allowed yourself to fall into. If you don't find a way out of it, you're going to wind up doing something destructive to your marriage. Your wife doesn't owe you apologies for her past; she didn't offend you with anything of her past relationships that happened before you were even in the picture. This is completely your issue and yours alone. Don't continue to make her pay a punishment for something she never did to you.

Get help. Please.


As kind of a side note: This is one reason I never, ever advise couples to sit around and discuss their sexual histories. Beyond the very basics (are they a virgin? do they have an STD? do they have any kids?), neither of you need to know any more detail than that. The past is what it is, it can't be changed, it needs to be left alone. There are rare people who can handle the intimate, gritty details of their spouse's past without a smidgen of hurt, jealousy, or guilt, but those cases are very rare. All I know about my husband is that he had a very sordid past when he was young. I had a similar past. I don't know his details, he doesn't know mine, and that's because the details are completely irrelevant to our current lives and relationship. Leave the past in the past.

 

[LonelyTraveler]

Points well taken, even though they really don't accomplish anything positive. Yes I realize I pretty much got a raw deal in life. You think that's what I wanted? Divorced parents who warred against each other? Alcoholic father who went on to marry a woman who pretty much robbed my sister and I of what was left of him? You think that I prayed to God every night for 30 years saying, "Hey, umm.... I'm staying away from all these 'desires of the flesh' because You say they're bad. But I guess it's OK if You torture my soul again tomorrow"? Really? And I'm to blame for all this? And I need to go talk to some "counselor" who's gonna say what, the same thing? And I'm supposed to believe them because I'm paying them and because "God can do no wrong"? Then what did I do wrong? So I guess when a girl who's reluctantly dating another guy invites me to a "party" that everyone else that was invited "bailed at the last minute" except for her and I, then I was "wrong" to make good on my promise to show up and unwittingly participate in a "date" that didn't end the way she wanted because I had to work the next day and I really didn't want any suspicions to arise about what happened? What should I have done?

I'll say it again: I LOVE MY WIFE. I'm NOT going to cheat on her. I'm perfectly happy with that decision because that's what my conscience tells me is right. But when I'm open with my wife about my desires and suggest something adventurous and she says, "yeah, I've done that and it's not that great," then I'm just supposed to be happy that I never got the chance to before and that I just have to take my wife's word for it that it's "not that great" after spending all these years wondering? Am I supposed to not be open with my wife?

What's the use of trying to live a moral life before marriage if chances are you're not going to marry someone with the same past as you, and the blame for the lack of a past gets placed squarely on you?

There are times when I try not to dwell on it. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes it gets the better of me and I wonder why I had to miss out on my youth and be blamed for it.

 

[seeingeyes]

What's the use of trying to live a moral life before marriage if chances are you're not going to marry someone with the same past as you, and the blame for the lack of a past gets placed squarely on you?

Were you living a "moral life" in order to earn a good wife? Welp, turns out you didn't need to. You don't earn a wife. You still got one, though.

Do you think that just because you kept your bits in your pants the longest means you don't have a "past"? You do. And it's wrecking your present.

 

[mkgal1]

Points well taken, even though they really don't accomplish anything positive. Yes I realize I pretty much got a raw deal in life. You think that's what I wanted?

What the heck? You aren't suggesting that your wife is part of the "raw deal".....are you?

Like it was posted earlier.......this is all our enemy's territory----trying to tear away at something good. It's wise to know his (the enemy's) devices----and to know how to be on guard and prepared.

 

[mkgal1]

"Hey, umm.... I'm staying away from all these 'desires of the flesh' because You say they're bad. But I guess it's OK if You torture my soul again tomorrow"?

There is SO much in this short comment.

For one thing.......I'm sorry you were only told to abstain because "it's bad". You should have been told WHY....and it's because God is a loving God and wants what's best for you (not that He wants you to sacrifice in order to gain something). This article, IMO, is a bit of an explanation of that: http://powertochange.com/familylife/articles/sex-romance/the-five-levels-of-intimacy/

Secondly......it's not God that "tortures" us. It's the sin of others (and it breaks His heart and tortures Him as well......I imagine).

 

[ValleyGal]

LT, you don't want anybody blaming you, so you know the pain it causes, yet you place blame on others. Let me be clear. Blame does no one any good at all, not others and not yourself, so don't play the blame game with others or self. Don't be passive in that "you were given a raw deal" in life. Instead, why not say "this is what I have to work with, good and bad, and learn to be content with your life, your self, and your situation.

When your wife says no to trying something new, she is saying no because it's not great for her. She might even be saying no because she can imagine that it would not be great for her. Everyone has things they would or wouldn't do....so here it is. Your wife has tried and does not like...turned out to not be a good experience for her. Do you wish you had memories of things that turned out not to be good experience? She got to try it but you never....well, I would not see that as a good thing if it creates unpleasant memories. However, even if you had gotten to try things with others, if your wife does not like it, you (hopefully) wouldn't do it anyway, but then you'd have the memory of how great it was, and you would miss doing it. So either way, there is opportunity to have a mindset that your situation stinks....unless you take those thoughts captive to Christ, and honour and love your wife, being grateful that you do not have memories of things you tried and didn't like, or things you tried and liked and your wife won't do.....

 

[Inkachu]

OK, so even though your mindset is completely twisted and warped and will end up wreaking destruction in your marriage, those of us who advise counseling must be absolute idiots. And you know this how? Because you're such a genius? I think not!

You come here for advice and then fall on the ground and kick and scream like a 2 year old because you're not hearing what you want to hear. Tough. Grow up.

Without HELP your marriage will not survive.

 

[mkgal1]

Really? And I'm to blame for all this? And I need to go talk to some "counselor" who's gonna say what, the same thing? And I'm supposed to believe them because I'm paying them and because "God can do no wrong"? Then what did I do wrong? So I guess when a girl who's reluctantly dating another guy invites me to a "party" that everyone else that was invited "bailed at the last minute" except for her and I, then I was "wrong" to make good on my promise to show up and unwittingly participate in a "date" that didn't end the way she wanted because I had to work the next day and I really didn't want any suspicions to arise about what happened? What should I have done?


I'll say it again: I LOVE MY WIFE. I'm NOT going to cheat on her. I'm perfectly happy with that decision because that's what my conscience tells me is right. But when I'm open with my wife about my desires and suggest something adventurous and she says, "yeah, I've done that and it's not that great," then I'm just supposed to be happy that I never got the chance to before and that I just have to take my wife's word for it that it's "not that great" after spending all these years wondering? Am I supposed to not be open with my wife?

What's the use of trying to live a moral life before marriage if chances are you're not going to marry someone with the same past as you, and the blame for the lack of a past gets placed squarely on you?

There are times when I try not to dwell on it. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes it gets the better of me and I wonder why I had to miss out on my youth and be blamed for it.

Maybe you're looking at this wrongly. I don't think *anyone* (including your wife) is "blaming" you for "missing out".......in fact.....I think that's exactly the lie (that you've "missed out"). Maybe instead of seeing it as your wife having something you don't (experience prior to marriage)......maybe it'd help if you saw it as her going before you down a certain path (one that she's sparing you from) and it's something you can trust when she says, "it's not great".

Our enemy tries to use the things we feel most insecure about and use them against us. It sounds like he's winning in this right now. Don't let him!!!

 

[mkgal1]

Do you wish you had memories of things that turned out not to be good experience? She got to try it but you never....well, I would not see that as a good thing if it creates unpleasant memories. However, even if you had gotten to try things with others, if your wife does not like it, you (hopefully) wouldn't do it anyway, but then you'd have the memory of how great it was, and you would miss doing it. So either way, there is opportunity to have a mindset that your situation stinks....unless you take those thoughts captive to Christ, and honour and love your wife, being grateful that you do not have memories of things you tried and didn't like, or things you tried and liked and your wife won't do.....

Excellent way of putting this.

 

[Inkachu]

My gosh, I mean, I know my husband did stuff in his past that I've never done. Do I sit around ruminating and wallowing in it until I'm twisted into knots of bitterness and jealousy? Umm, NO. Because the life I have with him now is the best thing ever. I don't know what is the cause of you being "stuck" in the past like this, but you need to discover it and deal with it ASAP.

 

[Inkachu]

Were you living a "moral life" in order to earn a good wife? Welp, turns out you didn't need to. You don't earn a wife. You still got one, though.

Do you think that just because you kept your bits in your pants the longest means you don't have a "past"? You do. And it's wrecking your present.

/thread